today is the birth of the sun... after three days of staying still upon the southern hemisphere, it begins its 6 month journey back across the sky. The birth of the new year... birth, growth and nourishment. The sun is born today. thank god.
My step father didn't call me today. For the first time in my life.
I didn't really know what I was going to do if he did... because I felt like our relationship had completely disintegrated... and I was finally trying to accept what it is... but I think it surprised me that he didn't. I guess I just feel like he has no reason to hate me that much. I've never done anything to make him hate me.
Never-the-less... whatever he thinks, he thinks... and I can't fight anymore.
I was not sad today. I was neutral. Completely neutral. and here I sit, at the end of the day... pondering. I've been watching a lot of movies this week and observing the characters in each, the different personas each character takes on... and the stories each tells.
It has had me looking at the things I don't understand about people... and myself. I would consider myself someone that always wants to know about how people think... why they think the way they do... what propels them, what shapes them, what makes them think the way they do.
Its amazing how we miscommunicate with everyone.... always the other person hears something different... all we can hope for is they get our intention... at the very least.
Tonight I watched a movie called The secret in which a daughter and her mother get into a car accident and the mother's spirit finds her way into the daughters body.. and learns about her daughters life. After a movie I tend to step back and ponder its meaning.... and this time a very strange thing happened.
I felt like I haven't been myself for years. Like I got lost somewhere... completely desensitized myself, and lost my passion.
I feel like I'm me... but for the recent past I am struggling with who that is. I am in the proccess of saying good bye to my youth. and its sad.. and scary. But at the same time its exciting because in a weird way growing past this point in my life is embracing the person I was before the world got hold of me... and made me into something I am not.
When I was young I hate smoking, in fact I was hell bent on never doing that.. and then something changed... I was lonely and I felt like that was the way I could relate... and somewhere I started identifying with smoking... and started feeling like I couldn't handle life without it.
When I was younger I was an artist... I wrote poetry.. I made things all the time. and in a weird way I know that in order to move into the new stage of my life I need to embrace those parts of me that have been buried for so long, the parts of me I was scared to show.... they are still hiding deep inside me.. waiting til its safe.
As for the dating thing.. I feel like I am a fish out of water... i know that I haven't learned about dating.. and its a learning process... but I just feel crazy. This whole thing with Nick is crazy... I feel so out of my element... and then I do crazy things... and I can't temper myself.. I get obsessive... and hung up on things... its crazy. Why can't I just let things be? why do I have to compartmentalize everything... and control everything? Why I can't just let things be?
I am so scared of falling into the same relationship I had with my ex.... that I don't want to not listen to my intuition.. but when do you know when its your intuition and when do you know its your insecurities?Its difficult to look at behaviour and not take it personally.. but rather look at it with an objective eye and say.. yes I want this.. no I don't want that... this I can live with... this I can't.... and when it becomes all about how I feel.. things get confusing... and dramatic. So how do you maintain balance? between being still engaged... but not having your emotions control your behaviour I had such clarity last night... and yet here I am today wondering if perhaps I am just not giving him enough credit. What I know is I care too much what other people think of me.. and I don't know how to change it... because I will never be at a place I want if I continue sanitizing who I am in order to apeal to a false sense of qualities someone else wants in me.
Its fucking crazy.... the other thing I realize is that I look at the world in many situations in black and white.... but so much is gray.. SOOOOO MUCH... take my personality for instance... if one thing isn't working I think... that everything must not be working... and its taken until recently for me to realize that in fact I am an awesome person with a lot going for her... its just a few things that need tweaking.
I don't have enough going on in my life.... so I obsess over guys. I need more to entertain me... I need a freaking life. but who is that? what does that look like?
I feel like a freaking teenager again... so confused about who I am and what I want, where I want to go... how to handle life... I feel blind.
Despite this feeling of confusion... I am pretty satisfied. I am not pitying myself.. I just have wide eyes for the future. wondering whats going to happen.
Finally accepting the death of my mother in its entirety. I was ok today. In fact I had a lovely day. I was happy... and felt loved. No feeling sorry for myself.
today is the birth of the sun... after three days of staying still upon the southern hemisphere, it begins its 6 month journey back across the sky. The birth of the new year... birth, growth and nourishment. The sun is born today. thank god.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas.
Oh Christmas... the holiday every year that reminds me how alone I am in the world.... well... I guess that's what it has felt like every year since my mother died.
Every year I try to come up with the most entertaining thing to do so I don't really feel. I distract myself.... trying so desperately to do anything but think of my mom not being here.
The first year I went back to the farm and tried to spend Christmas with my step dad's family and it was suffocatingly difficult. The next year I did the same but this time my ex was with me which made it tolerable... and the next year I went to his, because I just couldn't spend Christmas with that family again. The next year I went to my brother's. And the next year I was in Korea.. and the following I spent it again at my brother's. This year. This year I am spending it at home. I am not going anywhere... I am not making a big deal of it... I am just experiencing a christmas at my own place.. with no drama.
It's the first year I don't feel sorry for myself. Its the first year that I am starting to see just how wonderful the people in my life are... the people that are concerned for my welbeing. I have been asked where I am going to spend Christmas by numerous people offering me the chance to come to their house.. inviting me to spend Christmas with them. I am so blessed.
Perhaps tomorrow I may have a cry about what I have lost... what I no longer have... but I know I will spend the majority of the day being ok.
Its an interesting feeling free of the intense heaviness in my chest I have felt for years... its amazing to be free from the prison of self pity I have been inside of for years.... it actually feels amazing to let myself be ok without my family... no more guilt. I have accepted what my life is... and I feel euphoric.
The more you think that your life should be different, the more you tell yourself that you aren't good enough, that you should have done that... or this... the more you beat yourself down.... the heaviness grows. The more you embrace it and love every single moment of your life... the more you tell yourself "you've done all you knew how to do. and you did an awesome job.... look!" the heaviness dispurses. The heaviness lightens....
Who knew?
There's no reason to feel guilty... there's no reason to feel like anything tragic is your fault. life happens... its what you do with life that is the question.
You know when you feel so sad.... and you just wish there was something. ANYTHING to make you not feel what you are feeling? the answer is this.
let it go.
Every year I try to come up with the most entertaining thing to do so I don't really feel. I distract myself.... trying so desperately to do anything but think of my mom not being here.
The first year I went back to the farm and tried to spend Christmas with my step dad's family and it was suffocatingly difficult. The next year I did the same but this time my ex was with me which made it tolerable... and the next year I went to his, because I just couldn't spend Christmas with that family again. The next year I went to my brother's. And the next year I was in Korea.. and the following I spent it again at my brother's. This year. This year I am spending it at home. I am not going anywhere... I am not making a big deal of it... I am just experiencing a christmas at my own place.. with no drama.
It's the first year I don't feel sorry for myself. Its the first year that I am starting to see just how wonderful the people in my life are... the people that are concerned for my welbeing. I have been asked where I am going to spend Christmas by numerous people offering me the chance to come to their house.. inviting me to spend Christmas with them. I am so blessed.
Perhaps tomorrow I may have a cry about what I have lost... what I no longer have... but I know I will spend the majority of the day being ok.
Its an interesting feeling free of the intense heaviness in my chest I have felt for years... its amazing to be free from the prison of self pity I have been inside of for years.... it actually feels amazing to let myself be ok without my family... no more guilt. I have accepted what my life is... and I feel euphoric.
The more you think that your life should be different, the more you tell yourself that you aren't good enough, that you should have done that... or this... the more you beat yourself down.... the heaviness grows. The more you embrace it and love every single moment of your life... the more you tell yourself "you've done all you knew how to do. and you did an awesome job.... look!" the heaviness dispurses. The heaviness lightens....
Who knew?
There's no reason to feel guilty... there's no reason to feel like anything tragic is your fault. life happens... its what you do with life that is the question.
You know when you feel so sad.... and you just wish there was something. ANYTHING to make you not feel what you are feeling? the answer is this.
let it go.
What I would say if I could.
I would say to the guy I'm dating... if I ever had the opportunity... "no thank - you, I'm not interested."
and if he had the decency to ask why I would say...
"Well apparently you've been hanging out with my ratarded self.... the one who thought your behaviour was excusable... you stood me up twice in a week.. TWICE. you made me sit around for you all day... for no fucking reason. yes you apologized... and maybe apologies have worked in the past... but this is bullshit. You made me feel like complete shit.... and for some moronic reason I convinced myself that you were better than me.. you were better at this whole dating thing.. that you have it all together and I'm a retard... but no... really? you are an ass hole. and I'm an idiot for not seeing it the first day.
I like myself better than that.... than to be with a guy that makes her feel like shit. I hope I never find myself even attracted to ass holes like you...so no thank-you.. I'm not interested in seeing you again. .. I'll let you date girls who need you to treat them like shit. .... but I'm not that girl anymore. .."
A
and if he had the decency to ask why I would say...
"Well apparently you've been hanging out with my ratarded self.... the one who thought your behaviour was excusable... you stood me up twice in a week.. TWICE. you made me sit around for you all day... for no fucking reason. yes you apologized... and maybe apologies have worked in the past... but this is bullshit. You made me feel like complete shit.... and for some moronic reason I convinced myself that you were better than me.. you were better at this whole dating thing.. that you have it all together and I'm a retard... but no... really? you are an ass hole. and I'm an idiot for not seeing it the first day.
I like myself better than that.... than to be with a guy that makes her feel like shit. I hope I never find myself even attracted to ass holes like you...so no thank-you.. I'm not interested in seeing you again. .. I'll let you date girls who need you to treat them like shit. .... but I'm not that girl anymore. .."
A
revelation.
My room mate is going through a crisis of sorts and came up to my room for some advice.
I know I give the best advice.... I just have a hard time following my own advice.... its like it doesn't come from me.. but out of me... I don't think about it.. I just speak... and the most logical knowledge comes out of my mouth.
So I've started to try to listen to it... really listen to it.. and try to follow it... which is sometimes harder when you are the one speaking.
I was talking to my room mate... and I realized something.... there I was talking, and I realized that this guy that I am seeing came up with 2 excuses in a week to not see me. 2. In ONE WEEK. and I let it slide.. I wanted to prove how awesome I was soo much that I let them go.
I realized tongiht that my ex used to do that all the time.... he used to tell me things to get out of not seeing him.. or why he wasn't where he said he was going to be... all the time. and I bought it. I knew better because I was mad... but there I was listening to his bullshit... because I wanted to prove how awesome and level headed a girlfriend II was.. meanwhile he was fucking other girls. I knew better and I let him. my gut knew.
and I didn't listen.
And here's this guy who is doing the same thing.. the same thing in the first week of dating.. and I am doing the same thing. I want to be such a good girl that I am blind to what he's actually doing to me.... or not doing to me.... what's wrong with me???
So after this thought came the next question... well what are you going to do about it? and then I realized that my insecurities got the best of me.... and I already ruined it... made him think I was crazy.... and I have been beating myself up all day thinking how retarded I am.... and now... now I feel thankful... thankful that unconsciously.. my subconscious knew that this man was bad for me... so it made me insecure.... so that I would fuck it up.... I took care of myself.... maybe a little more embarrassing... but I took care of myself.
I can trust myself.
I know.
One other thing I wanted to share was this. While I was talking to my roommate we were talking about what she's so scared to do... and I was trying to remember a time where I too felt like that.. where I wanted to say something so badly but I would lose my voice... I just couldn't.... I remembered how that felt.. for a split second.... and I realized that we are so scared we are going to die. Physically we are sooo scared we think poof... right there.. we are going to cease.
And then I realized.... it is a little like death.. because you kill something that you are most scared of.... and you don't REALLY know whats going to happen next.. so.... may just die on the spot. . logically i doesn't make any sense.. and you know that... but it doesn't help.. you are terrified.... stopped by fear.... and when you over come that fear.. there you are. free. alive... and a little part of you died... the fear died... something that you identified with died.... but there you are.. still alive and a new person....
and that my friends is why you should do something everyday that scares you.. because then you start realizing that nothing you do kills you.... be free. cause its a game.. and the person who wins is the person that overcomes all their fears. Every one.
so go. face your fears. have fun.. and know you will survive. you are eternal.
I know I give the best advice.... I just have a hard time following my own advice.... its like it doesn't come from me.. but out of me... I don't think about it.. I just speak... and the most logical knowledge comes out of my mouth.
So I've started to try to listen to it... really listen to it.. and try to follow it... which is sometimes harder when you are the one speaking.
I was talking to my room mate... and I realized something.... there I was talking, and I realized that this guy that I am seeing came up with 2 excuses in a week to not see me. 2. In ONE WEEK. and I let it slide.. I wanted to prove how awesome I was soo much that I let them go.
I realized tongiht that my ex used to do that all the time.... he used to tell me things to get out of not seeing him.. or why he wasn't where he said he was going to be... all the time. and I bought it. I knew better because I was mad... but there I was listening to his bullshit... because I wanted to prove how awesome and level headed a girlfriend II was.. meanwhile he was fucking other girls. I knew better and I let him. my gut knew.
and I didn't listen.
And here's this guy who is doing the same thing.. the same thing in the first week of dating.. and I am doing the same thing. I want to be such a good girl that I am blind to what he's actually doing to me.... or not doing to me.... what's wrong with me???
So after this thought came the next question... well what are you going to do about it? and then I realized that my insecurities got the best of me.... and I already ruined it... made him think I was crazy.... and I have been beating myself up all day thinking how retarded I am.... and now... now I feel thankful... thankful that unconsciously.. my subconscious knew that this man was bad for me... so it made me insecure.... so that I would fuck it up.... I took care of myself.... maybe a little more embarrassing... but I took care of myself.
I can trust myself.
I know.
One other thing I wanted to share was this. While I was talking to my roommate we were talking about what she's so scared to do... and I was trying to remember a time where I too felt like that.. where I wanted to say something so badly but I would lose my voice... I just couldn't.... I remembered how that felt.. for a split second.... and I realized that we are so scared we are going to die. Physically we are sooo scared we think poof... right there.. we are going to cease.
And then I realized.... it is a little like death.. because you kill something that you are most scared of.... and you don't REALLY know whats going to happen next.. so.... may just die on the spot. . logically i doesn't make any sense.. and you know that... but it doesn't help.. you are terrified.... stopped by fear.... and when you over come that fear.. there you are. free. alive... and a little part of you died... the fear died... something that you identified with died.... but there you are.. still alive and a new person....
and that my friends is why you should do something everyday that scares you.. because then you start realizing that nothing you do kills you.... be free. cause its a game.. and the person who wins is the person that overcomes all their fears. Every one.
so go. face your fears. have fun.. and know you will survive. you are eternal.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
what i need/ who I am/what I want.
So I think that most of us have no idea what we want, who we are and what we need... so I've decided that in hopes of answering these questions I am going to start recording what I think I need... with no judgement.
So... this list might be short to begin with.. but I'm going to try to add to it, every time I think of a new thing that I have discovered about myself.
So first thing is that I never know what you are thinking... so I come up with a thousand and one explanations and usually its so far off... so I need to know what you are thinking.. what your motivations are... I need you to explain yourself.. not because I want to judge you or argue with you.. simply because I want to knoww what causes you to do the things you do.
What else. I need you to ask me how things occur for me.. so I can explain myself.. because sometimes what I do may not portray what you think it should... because I think differently...
So if you don't call for a couple of days I am going to start thinking I did something wrong... no matter how the last time I saw you ended... I'm going to come up with 100 reasons why you don't like me anymore.
I need someone to do nice, sweet things for me.... I experience that as caring.
I need you to be enthusiastic about the things that I am enthusiastic about... I want you to be as excited about stupid shit as I am... and not be embarrassed about it.
I need you to be able to spend hours just touching each other... no sex. just touch.. soft, unending touch.
I need you to ask me about me.. I want you to be interested in me... and show me that you really want to get to know me more.
ok that's what I have right now.
So... this list might be short to begin with.. but I'm going to try to add to it, every time I think of a new thing that I have discovered about myself.
So first thing is that I never know what you are thinking... so I come up with a thousand and one explanations and usually its so far off... so I need to know what you are thinking.. what your motivations are... I need you to explain yourself.. not because I want to judge you or argue with you.. simply because I want to knoww what causes you to do the things you do.
What else. I need you to ask me how things occur for me.. so I can explain myself.. because sometimes what I do may not portray what you think it should... because I think differently...
So if you don't call for a couple of days I am going to start thinking I did something wrong... no matter how the last time I saw you ended... I'm going to come up with 100 reasons why you don't like me anymore.
I need someone to do nice, sweet things for me.... I experience that as caring.
I need you to be enthusiastic about the things that I am enthusiastic about... I want you to be as excited about stupid shit as I am... and not be embarrassed about it.
I need you to be able to spend hours just touching each other... no sex. just touch.. soft, unending touch.
I need you to ask me about me.. I want you to be interested in me... and show me that you really want to get to know me more.
ok that's what I have right now.
dating.. again.
So I forgot to fill you in on what's happened recently with N.
Alright, so we went on the 2 dates last week... and they were great... I'm not sure if I mentioned the really awkward kiss at the end of date 2... anyways, it was half hug, half kiss.. totally my fault... lol..so I put him in charge of kissing from now on.
So we ended up texting all week. We talked about seeing each other on Saturday night but I was at family's so we planned a bowling date on Sunday. Anyways... long long story short... we talked at 1pm, and by 7pm he still hadn't shown...
which upset me exponentially.
He ended up texting me about 7:30 and told me that he had slept all day. We had a conversation over text message...he appologized, I accepted his appology. But then things were different...
Finally on Tuesday something happened via text message that got us laughing... and finally I felt like there was a space for us to enjoy ourselves again.... a break in the seriousness of it all.... So he came over on Tuesday night... we got high, watched a documentary on Weed, and ate chinese. It was nice, but I definitely didn't get any vibe that he was interested in me in any other capacity besides friends...
and then at the end when I was saying good bye he kissed me. For the first time in my life someone I like kissed me when I didn't expect it. I can barely remember it... it was so quick, and I was soo surprised.
and although that made me really happy.
We haven't talked or texted since... and so for some reason I think its over... perhaps I kissed poorly??
anyways, that's the most recent drama. Fuck, if only I didn't buy so easily into having drama in my life.... maybe I wouldn't get so worked up about this shit!!!
lol
Alright, so we went on the 2 dates last week... and they were great... I'm not sure if I mentioned the really awkward kiss at the end of date 2... anyways, it was half hug, half kiss.. totally my fault... lol..so I put him in charge of kissing from now on.
So we ended up texting all week. We talked about seeing each other on Saturday night but I was at family's so we planned a bowling date on Sunday. Anyways... long long story short... we talked at 1pm, and by 7pm he still hadn't shown...
which upset me exponentially.
He ended up texting me about 7:30 and told me that he had slept all day. We had a conversation over text message...he appologized, I accepted his appology. But then things were different...
Finally on Tuesday something happened via text message that got us laughing... and finally I felt like there was a space for us to enjoy ourselves again.... a break in the seriousness of it all.... So he came over on Tuesday night... we got high, watched a documentary on Weed, and ate chinese. It was nice, but I definitely didn't get any vibe that he was interested in me in any other capacity besides friends...
and then at the end when I was saying good bye he kissed me. For the first time in my life someone I like kissed me when I didn't expect it. I can barely remember it... it was so quick, and I was soo surprised.
and although that made me really happy.
We haven't talked or texted since... and so for some reason I think its over... perhaps I kissed poorly??
anyways, that's the most recent drama. Fuck, if only I didn't buy so easily into having drama in my life.... maybe I wouldn't get so worked up about this shit!!!
lol
the newest personal realization....
So.. I'll fill you in on what happened with the whole drama around my ex.
I realized that I don't want any more drama in my life.. and that I was done. That I finally wanted to move on.. FINALLY after 7 years of constant drama, never feeling adequate, impossibly frustrated... I have finally given up trying to make that relationship work.. to do the right thing... I don't want any more..
so I chose that its not my fight.. its not my business and I want nothing to do with it... or him. ever again. So.. I deleted him from facebook... and while I was writing this I finally blocked him. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to a point in my life where I felt strong enough to move on...
Its interesting this whole growing up thing...
I've been thinking alot lately about who we get advice from, where wee find information on relationships.. its all just hear say... what worked, what didn't work for people.. but no one really knows... so how do they know that what I do and who I am isn't good enough.
I have decided that I will never settle. I will never be in an unloved relationship, just for the sake of the relationship.
I am finally admitting to myself that I am a hopeless romantic... and with that romance comes a sense of wanting to find someone that I can be with... 100% of myself.
In this process though.. there are certain things that I am having to learn that don't work for me.. and I don't want to be... tis process is sooo important because its learning what workd and what doesnt.... what makes me unique but isn't retarded... like the drama thing.. I don't want to be dramatic anymore... the lut thing has certainly held me back.. and the taking life too seriously sometimes... that also holds me back.
I know for sure that I take what I think everyone else thinks of me too seriously.. and I can't laugh at myself often enough...
But the parts that I love about myself... I need to remind myself everyday that those parts of me make me unique... and the right person for me is just going to love those things about me... no questions asked.
So, maybe is a good time to write down what I love about myself.
I love how many questions I ask... I just want to know... but I'm bad at finding the information on my own.. I much prefer having conversations with people and having the information passed on to me like that...
I like that I can get really really excited about things... like a 5 year old. I love that I still love my birthday...
I love that I love the little things in life like the stars, walks, fireflies, anything that flies in fact.. I am still in awe like a kid is... I am not desensitized to the world around me... everyday I am astonished with how remarkable this world is.. and I love that I haven't lost that wide eyed behaviour.
I love how honest I am, how sincere I am. I love that I don't judge the people that I love... I love that I am the kind of friend that my friends feel they can tell their deepest darkest secrets to, and trust that I will have an opinion that comes from a very loving, non-judgemental place. That's what makes me happiest.. that despite all my retardedness, and my insecurities and craziness, I still have friends that will ask my advice and tell me their most personal things.... because that has to be some form of evidence to the person I am..
So I hope that I can keep my conviction to maintain the awesome parts of me... and let go of the not so productive parts of me... and stay authentic in order to find a man that loves me for everything I am and everything I am not.
I think that at the beginning of relationships we get so scared about not being th eright person for someone we like... that we start sanitizing ourselves... we put on this show of the person we so desperately want to be... nstead of just being ourselves and letting the other person decide for themselves... my biggest problem is I know this.. and yet I still do it.. and when the person doesn't like me... I totally take it personally instead of thinking that they are not good for me... and thank god we figured it out so we could get on with looking for the next person.
OOf course I know there is a balance, and you need to be open minded to people, and not leave them in little boxes... but really... there are the fundamental ways of being that are sooo important.... and communication is paramount.... I need to have someone who is 100% willing to talk... communicate about what they are thinking, and be open to hear what I am thinking.. cause that's the only way you can learn.. and grow, if the other person is completely open and honest.
So that's my piece for today.
Tonight my room mate invited me to get hotchocolate and walk around the park with all the lights... it was AWESOME. We ended up talking to this older gentleman who was volunteering.. and I asked him if there was a story.. and he said yes.. and told us about how the light show came into being 12 years ago... he then talked about how the city I am in was planned out... and told me that the royal winter fair started here....
It was awesome. and I love that I am the kind of person that would ask that question.
I realized that I don't want any more drama in my life.. and that I was done. That I finally wanted to move on.. FINALLY after 7 years of constant drama, never feeling adequate, impossibly frustrated... I have finally given up trying to make that relationship work.. to do the right thing... I don't want any more..
so I chose that its not my fight.. its not my business and I want nothing to do with it... or him. ever again. So.. I deleted him from facebook... and while I was writing this I finally blocked him. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to a point in my life where I felt strong enough to move on...
Its interesting this whole growing up thing...
I've been thinking alot lately about who we get advice from, where wee find information on relationships.. its all just hear say... what worked, what didn't work for people.. but no one really knows... so how do they know that what I do and who I am isn't good enough.
I have decided that I will never settle. I will never be in an unloved relationship, just for the sake of the relationship.
I am finally admitting to myself that I am a hopeless romantic... and with that romance comes a sense of wanting to find someone that I can be with... 100% of myself.
In this process though.. there are certain things that I am having to learn that don't work for me.. and I don't want to be... tis process is sooo important because its learning what workd and what doesnt.... what makes me unique but isn't retarded... like the drama thing.. I don't want to be dramatic anymore... the lut thing has certainly held me back.. and the taking life too seriously sometimes... that also holds me back.
I know for sure that I take what I think everyone else thinks of me too seriously.. and I can't laugh at myself often enough...
But the parts that I love about myself... I need to remind myself everyday that those parts of me make me unique... and the right person for me is just going to love those things about me... no questions asked.
So, maybe is a good time to write down what I love about myself.
I love how many questions I ask... I just want to know... but I'm bad at finding the information on my own.. I much prefer having conversations with people and having the information passed on to me like that...
I like that I can get really really excited about things... like a 5 year old. I love that I still love my birthday...
I love that I love the little things in life like the stars, walks, fireflies, anything that flies in fact.. I am still in awe like a kid is... I am not desensitized to the world around me... everyday I am astonished with how remarkable this world is.. and I love that I haven't lost that wide eyed behaviour.
I love how honest I am, how sincere I am. I love that I don't judge the people that I love... I love that I am the kind of friend that my friends feel they can tell their deepest darkest secrets to, and trust that I will have an opinion that comes from a very loving, non-judgemental place. That's what makes me happiest.. that despite all my retardedness, and my insecurities and craziness, I still have friends that will ask my advice and tell me their most personal things.... because that has to be some form of evidence to the person I am..
So I hope that I can keep my conviction to maintain the awesome parts of me... and let go of the not so productive parts of me... and stay authentic in order to find a man that loves me for everything I am and everything I am not.
I think that at the beginning of relationships we get so scared about not being th eright person for someone we like... that we start sanitizing ourselves... we put on this show of the person we so desperately want to be... nstead of just being ourselves and letting the other person decide for themselves... my biggest problem is I know this.. and yet I still do it.. and when the person doesn't like me... I totally take it personally instead of thinking that they are not good for me... and thank god we figured it out so we could get on with looking for the next person.
OOf course I know there is a balance, and you need to be open minded to people, and not leave them in little boxes... but really... there are the fundamental ways of being that are sooo important.... and communication is paramount.... I need to have someone who is 100% willing to talk... communicate about what they are thinking, and be open to hear what I am thinking.. cause that's the only way you can learn.. and grow, if the other person is completely open and honest.
So that's my piece for today.
Tonight my room mate invited me to get hotchocolate and walk around the park with all the lights... it was AWESOME. We ended up talking to this older gentleman who was volunteering.. and I asked him if there was a story.. and he said yes.. and told us about how the light show came into being 12 years ago... he then talked about how the city I am in was planned out... and told me that the royal winter fair started here....
It was awesome. and I love that I am the kind of person that would ask that question.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
finding fun...
So I'll tell you what happened with my ex just after I share what brought me here in the first place.
Basically during me trying to change I have constantly asked myself what do you find fun?? I never have an answer and so it has appeared to me that I don't really do anything for fun.... in contemplating why? what caused me not to do anything that makes me happy? I must have done things that were fun when I was little right? isn't that all you do as a kid? find things that make you smile? laugh? be happy? isn't that your goal in any extra free time as a kid? So what did I do as a kid that made me really happy?
Forever I have tried to remember what it was I did as a kid that just made me so happy... one day I remembered that I really liked being in the wood shop at school. I was in there any time I could be... I loved making things, creating something out of a piece of wood....
I remember thinking it was sooo cool that with a chisel you could put dove tails in the end of a piece of wood and have it "lock" I would think... "you mean I can make things? with my own hands? I don't have to pay for it?
It was an awesome feeling to realize that with a few tools you could create tables, candlesticks, jewelery boxes, board games.... and then when I got out of school I couldn't do it anymore... so I forgot about that feelings, that awesome, satisfying feeling.
So I started asking myself again... what else did you do as a kid that made you most happy? I would ask that all the time... finally one day I remembered horseback riding. I remembered going out to the farm whenever I could.. I just wanted to be with those horses. I loved just chilling out with them... I would go to the barn and just chill out with them... it never bothered me to clean out the barn, or clean out their shoes... it wasn't uncomfortable, or a chore... it was enjoyable for me... because I knew that if I took care of these beautiful animals they would let me ride them in the future... and being on top of a horse there's no better feeling... when this majestic animal gallops under your body, and all you feel is the air in your hair. When you have trust in another creature, it grounds you in a way you will never beat. you feel connected deeply connected to another creature.
Then as I got older I stopped going.. I'm not sure why, I think it was partially money, and partially me convincing myself that horses were for kids.... that i would be judged if I still rode horses in high school.. it was a weird transition for me... I'm not exactly sure what caused this shift in me.... but it happened, and I haven't been on a horse in years and years.
So I've been asking myself again.. what else? I mean shop class and the horses maybe took up 7 hours a week of my life... what else did I do????
Then I remembered I used to dance.... I danced all the time. It was the happiest I've ever felt.... just dancing across a floor... flying through the air.. just because you could. I remember the dancing bars around the room and I would play on them forever... I would hold on and flip myself upside down.. it was sooo much fun being upside down, doing pirouettes(which is just spinning, in a very elegant way) and plies(bending at the knees, just in the most magical way possible)
Dancing was my life...
and then my mother no longer had enough money. and I had to quit. The one thing I loved more than anything in the world.. I stopped.
At about 11 I had so much more time on my hands, after school, on weekends... I used to dance 14 hours a week... so now besides school I really didn't have anything to do... I was bored out of my mind. I didn't really have many friends... and so what did I do then???
Well righrt now I just ended up deciding I was going to make my friends Christmas presents, because I don't have any money and wasn't going to give any presents this year... but then I remembered I had all the supplies to make these butterfly mobiles I've been thinking about making in the past few months.... so anyways, I finally decided today was the day that I was going to make these mobiles. So I sit down, turned on music and begun the process of turning nothing into something. pieces of paper, string, glue, and sticks... into something a friend would want to hang up in their house...
as I was doing it, I rememebered that this is what I used to do.. when I couldn't do anything else because it cost too much money, it required a horse, or expensive machinery.... arts and crafts is what I did, because you could actually make something out of nothing... and that was magical.
So anyways, I really needed to write this down because I knew I would forget how this feels.... in a week or two I will convince myself that its childish and silly, and won't come back to it.... but I wanted to remind myself that in fact this is awesome... and it's not childish.. its ACTUALLY FUN.... so when I feel like crap cause there's nothing that is making me happy... maybe, hopefully I will come back to this... read it and remember that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, and start embracing more things that I love back into my life.. and then maybe, hopefully I will be able to one day have enough fun in my life where I don't require going for a drink or watching TV.. that I have so much IN MY LIFe that makes me happy and hopefully then I can have the life I love.... because I just do what's fun.. and let go of all the rest....
fingers are crossed.
A
Basically during me trying to change I have constantly asked myself what do you find fun?? I never have an answer and so it has appeared to me that I don't really do anything for fun.... in contemplating why? what caused me not to do anything that makes me happy? I must have done things that were fun when I was little right? isn't that all you do as a kid? find things that make you smile? laugh? be happy? isn't that your goal in any extra free time as a kid? So what did I do as a kid that made me really happy?
Forever I have tried to remember what it was I did as a kid that just made me so happy... one day I remembered that I really liked being in the wood shop at school. I was in there any time I could be... I loved making things, creating something out of a piece of wood....
I remember thinking it was sooo cool that with a chisel you could put dove tails in the end of a piece of wood and have it "lock" I would think... "you mean I can make things? with my own hands? I don't have to pay for it?
It was an awesome feeling to realize that with a few tools you could create tables, candlesticks, jewelery boxes, board games.... and then when I got out of school I couldn't do it anymore... so I forgot about that feelings, that awesome, satisfying feeling.
So I started asking myself again... what else did you do as a kid that made you most happy? I would ask that all the time... finally one day I remembered horseback riding. I remembered going out to the farm whenever I could.. I just wanted to be with those horses. I loved just chilling out with them... I would go to the barn and just chill out with them... it never bothered me to clean out the barn, or clean out their shoes... it wasn't uncomfortable, or a chore... it was enjoyable for me... because I knew that if I took care of these beautiful animals they would let me ride them in the future... and being on top of a horse there's no better feeling... when this majestic animal gallops under your body, and all you feel is the air in your hair. When you have trust in another creature, it grounds you in a way you will never beat. you feel connected deeply connected to another creature.
Then as I got older I stopped going.. I'm not sure why, I think it was partially money, and partially me convincing myself that horses were for kids.... that i would be judged if I still rode horses in high school.. it was a weird transition for me... I'm not exactly sure what caused this shift in me.... but it happened, and I haven't been on a horse in years and years.
So I've been asking myself again.. what else? I mean shop class and the horses maybe took up 7 hours a week of my life... what else did I do????
Then I remembered I used to dance.... I danced all the time. It was the happiest I've ever felt.... just dancing across a floor... flying through the air.. just because you could. I remember the dancing bars around the room and I would play on them forever... I would hold on and flip myself upside down.. it was sooo much fun being upside down, doing pirouettes(which is just spinning, in a very elegant way) and plies(bending at the knees, just in the most magical way possible)
Dancing was my life...
and then my mother no longer had enough money. and I had to quit. The one thing I loved more than anything in the world.. I stopped.
At about 11 I had so much more time on my hands, after school, on weekends... I used to dance 14 hours a week... so now besides school I really didn't have anything to do... I was bored out of my mind. I didn't really have many friends... and so what did I do then???
Well righrt now I just ended up deciding I was going to make my friends Christmas presents, because I don't have any money and wasn't going to give any presents this year... but then I remembered I had all the supplies to make these butterfly mobiles I've been thinking about making in the past few months.... so anyways, I finally decided today was the day that I was going to make these mobiles. So I sit down, turned on music and begun the process of turning nothing into something. pieces of paper, string, glue, and sticks... into something a friend would want to hang up in their house...
as I was doing it, I rememebered that this is what I used to do.. when I couldn't do anything else because it cost too much money, it required a horse, or expensive machinery.... arts and crafts is what I did, because you could actually make something out of nothing... and that was magical.
So anyways, I really needed to write this down because I knew I would forget how this feels.... in a week or two I will convince myself that its childish and silly, and won't come back to it.... but I wanted to remind myself that in fact this is awesome... and it's not childish.. its ACTUALLY FUN.... so when I feel like crap cause there's nothing that is making me happy... maybe, hopefully I will come back to this... read it and remember that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, and start embracing more things that I love back into my life.. and then maybe, hopefully I will be able to one day have enough fun in my life where I don't require going for a drink or watching TV.. that I have so much IN MY LIFe that makes me happy and hopefully then I can have the life I love.... because I just do what's fun.. and let go of all the rest....
fingers are crossed.
A
Thursday, December 16, 2010
day 74 - moral dillemma
I have just discovered that my ex has been in a relationship for years... and I believe that he's therefore cheated on her with me. It has sent my brain whirling... being a relatively moral person I feel obligated to tell her... and then part of me says its none of my business.... but if only the girls that he cheated on me with had the moral sense to tell me.... would I have been less apt to subject myself to so long with being in that relationship?
I have no idea what to do. I don't like fucking with other people's lives... but then again, is it fucking with her life more by not telling her?
I have no idea.
I have no idea what to do. I don't like fucking with other people's lives... but then again, is it fucking with her life more by not telling her?
I have no idea.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Day 71.... I met a man
So the past couple weeks have been interesting. I've gone through a total change, a breakdown, a relapse, a couple of dates... exams... its been an interesting couple of weeks.
So 2 weeks ago, was the last week of school.... on Thursday I went out with a couple of friends... and proceeded to get incredibly intoxicated. I had sooo much fun. At one point there was this guy that I thought was attractive... and eventually he was dancing behind me.... I forced myself to keep to myself and then he shuffled over to this girl a few steps away. I watched them, and he was sooo drunk and was dancing with her... hadn't even seen her face, and I watched as he waited for her to look up to make sre she was attractive enough. It was weird getting that interpretation.. and realizing I've totally been that girl... thinking that the guy liked me, or was attracted to me.. and really he was just hoping I was attractive enough. It was a weird recognization.
At one point I leaned over to my friend and asked if I could go home with her.... and she said it would be my honour!!
So I hung out with her and her friends and we had an awesome end to the night.
At one point the four of us girls were talking and we realized that all of us were from single mothers. More interesting though 2 of them had older brothers and the other girl and I didn't. The other 2 girls were pretty grounded when it came to men, and the 2 of us were not.... so that's interesting.
Anyways, on Saturday I ended up meeting up going out with people from work and ran into friends at the bar, and had another great night... alot of random things happened that night... but at the end of the night I was stoned, drunk and lonely and I was texting this guy that I used to hang out with and we've made out a few times.... he asked if I was coming over and I told him that what I was looking for wasn't what he was looking for.... all I was looking for was cuddling and nothing else could happen. He said that was fine...
so I went over and wee watched the end of some movie and chatted a little.... and then he started touching me.... and it felt sooo damn good....
So many thoughts were running through my head, my body had been craving being held, being touched... so I was caught up for a few moments... I even got caught up enough to start touching him... then I realized how much I would hate myself in the morning if I continued... and I stopped....
It's weird looking back on it.... because he's your typical "oh come on, it's not that big a deal.." kind of guy... and that's totally what I fall for... so saying no... and stopping things was pretty hard, but felt so good when I did it.... in the morning he abruptly kicked me out of his bed... I left, and as I walked home I realized that for some reason I needed to be reminded of what my old life was like... and choose not to do that to myself again... with a man, that I knew wouldn't push things too much.... so I walked away... hoping that I had learned the lesson.
That Sunday night was our staff party... and I didn't drink much until the very end of the night.. and ate a piece of weed shortbread and I got completely fucked.
I had alot of fun with these girls and then somehow this guy Kris walked me home at the end of the night... not sure how we started to chat... but anyways... it was snowing and I was acting like a fool.... I laid down in the middle of the road and made a snow angel....
We got back here and we hung out for a bit, but I wouldn't let him touch me... we just talked, and sseeing as how intoxicated I got I started to tell him about my fucked-up-ness around guys.. and we just talked about that for a while... the next day we talked some more and he ended up taking me for pizza... but he mentioned to me that he doesn't have feelings and doesn't believe in love and I made it clear that I would not date him then...
The second he told me that I thought... there's no way that I would ever do that to myself again... with C. he told me he didn't have emotions in the first couple of weeks, and I thought I could fix him, show him... ya right!!! people know themselves better than you.. and if they say that RUN..... they are uuuuber broken, and there's no fixing themselves but themselves!
On Tuesday I was pretty confused about everthing.. it was alot of drama in a short amount of time and I couldn't really process it all... I had my therapy session, and because of how confused I was, she picked up on that and talked to me about drinking... and told me that I really need to stop drinking... she was pretty hard on me... which I know I need. So everyday since then I have thought about what she said.. I have asked myself what happened, and if I can actually quit drinking entirely. I think I am at the point where I totally agree with her that I need to quit, just beause of the effects it has on my body and my energy.. but I don't have a strong enough foundation to completely erraicate that from my entire social life... so my decision is to not quit drinking yet.... I promised myself I would start going swimming and yoga again once school was done... start cooking healthier.. and I think I want to learn how to curl! but we'll see... then eventually the drinking... but not yet.
So onto the biggest news.... the man. So I have no idea where this is going to go, but I need to share it.
about 3 weeks ago?? I stopped into one of the bars downtown for last call, and I saw these three guys standing at the end of the bar... all three of them were attractive, but one of them caught my eye.... but that was it.
The next morning I woke up and there was a message from this guy on pof.com and it just said that he had read my profile but hadn't looked at my pics yet and wanted to get to know me.... anyways... when I talked to him I reallized that it may have been the same guy that I had seen the night before.
Anyways we started chatting via text.. and have spent the past 3 weeks chatting... we were supposed to go for coffee last week, but he was sick and then he suggested coffee on Friday.
We talked on Thrusday and then I wrote him a couple texts that night and I didn't get a response. The next day I wrote him in the morning and called.. and nothing. finally I wrote "just wondering what time we were getting together today." and still nothing... long story short I spent the whole day obsessing... I totally felt rejected, Like I had done something wrong... it took everything in my power not to write him any more... things to write him that popped into my head were things like
"what did I do wrong?"
"I don't know what changed your mind but is there anything that I can do to fix it?"
"fuck you."
"atleast you could have fucking written me and told me you were going to stand me up!"
lol... but I didn't.
The next morning I wrote again and just said "how are you doing" and again no response... I can't tell you how disappointed I was, we had been talking for three weeks and I felt like we could really get along.... I really was obsessing and taking it very personally... trying to pep talk myself .. I was saying things to myself like"whatever you are better than this!, why worry, obviosly he isn't the greatest guy... better to know now.. etc." but that didn't help... and then on my way to work I asked myself, what the hell was I doing, WHY was I behaving this way... and I realized "this is what it looks like when you are being dramatic! you are totally making a big deal out of nothing, for no reason than to have drama!"
I had realized I was dramatic a while ago now... but to actually catch yourself behaving that way is a whole other thing.... once I realized that.. I was fine.
The next day he ended up texting me and appologizing for not getting back to me... that he had left his phone in his friend's car... I didn't know what to say... I wanted to stand up for myself, but then again I was sper happy that he wrote me, and that it wasn't anything I did or said.
so I told him that I totally felt stood up and disappointed on Friday. He appologized again and I said.. thanks for appologizing. I accept it.
and we spent the day again texting. This time I decided that I would be up for dinner, not just coffee.
So we met last night... although he was 30minutes late... lol...
We had just an awesome night chilling out and chatting, we went for sushi and he had never tried it and totally was willing to try, I taught him how to use chopsticks.. and told him if he gets nothing out of this date, he'll atleast learn how to use chopsticks and always rememebr the girl who taught him!!!
We went for a beer after, and then I asked if he'd walk me to the bus... on our way over he said "it's soo cold, I think I'll come with you and take a cab from your place."
I sort of liked that he was inviting himself over.. but also was a little worried that things were going to lead further and I was a little concerned... anyways, we got home. I made tea for me and coffee for him, and we chatted some more.. spent the night watching funny youtube videos and talking.
It started getting super late, and I started worrying about him, but had to tell myself "he's an adult, he can take care of himself, if he wants to leave he can.... you have no responsibility for him having to get up in the morning. " at the same time, I had promised myself he wouldn't sleep over.
So finally he called a cab, and we went for a smoke on the back patio. When he went to leave he hugged me and pulled away and said "out of respect for you, I don't kiss girls on the first date... I know its weird, but its to prove that I'm not expecting anything." I pulled away and said "that's awesome... I like that!!!" and said good night.
I was sooo giddy when I came inside... and promised myself I wouldn't text him right away.. and he totally texted me and thanked me for a great night and told me he totally felt like he could just be himself around me and it didn't feel like we just met.... and then he invited me over to watch movies tonight!!!
I can't even tell you how happy I am.... so there... things are changing!!!!
So 2 weeks ago, was the last week of school.... on Thursday I went out with a couple of friends... and proceeded to get incredibly intoxicated. I had sooo much fun. At one point there was this guy that I thought was attractive... and eventually he was dancing behind me.... I forced myself to keep to myself and then he shuffled over to this girl a few steps away. I watched them, and he was sooo drunk and was dancing with her... hadn't even seen her face, and I watched as he waited for her to look up to make sre she was attractive enough. It was weird getting that interpretation.. and realizing I've totally been that girl... thinking that the guy liked me, or was attracted to me.. and really he was just hoping I was attractive enough. It was a weird recognization.
At one point I leaned over to my friend and asked if I could go home with her.... and she said it would be my honour!!
So I hung out with her and her friends and we had an awesome end to the night.
At one point the four of us girls were talking and we realized that all of us were from single mothers. More interesting though 2 of them had older brothers and the other girl and I didn't. The other 2 girls were pretty grounded when it came to men, and the 2 of us were not.... so that's interesting.
Anyways, on Saturday I ended up meeting up going out with people from work and ran into friends at the bar, and had another great night... alot of random things happened that night... but at the end of the night I was stoned, drunk and lonely and I was texting this guy that I used to hang out with and we've made out a few times.... he asked if I was coming over and I told him that what I was looking for wasn't what he was looking for.... all I was looking for was cuddling and nothing else could happen. He said that was fine...
so I went over and wee watched the end of some movie and chatted a little.... and then he started touching me.... and it felt sooo damn good....
So many thoughts were running through my head, my body had been craving being held, being touched... so I was caught up for a few moments... I even got caught up enough to start touching him... then I realized how much I would hate myself in the morning if I continued... and I stopped....
It's weird looking back on it.... because he's your typical "oh come on, it's not that big a deal.." kind of guy... and that's totally what I fall for... so saying no... and stopping things was pretty hard, but felt so good when I did it.... in the morning he abruptly kicked me out of his bed... I left, and as I walked home I realized that for some reason I needed to be reminded of what my old life was like... and choose not to do that to myself again... with a man, that I knew wouldn't push things too much.... so I walked away... hoping that I had learned the lesson.
That Sunday night was our staff party... and I didn't drink much until the very end of the night.. and ate a piece of weed shortbread and I got completely fucked.
I had alot of fun with these girls and then somehow this guy Kris walked me home at the end of the night... not sure how we started to chat... but anyways... it was snowing and I was acting like a fool.... I laid down in the middle of the road and made a snow angel....
We got back here and we hung out for a bit, but I wouldn't let him touch me... we just talked, and sseeing as how intoxicated I got I started to tell him about my fucked-up-ness around guys.. and we just talked about that for a while... the next day we talked some more and he ended up taking me for pizza... but he mentioned to me that he doesn't have feelings and doesn't believe in love and I made it clear that I would not date him then...
The second he told me that I thought... there's no way that I would ever do that to myself again... with C. he told me he didn't have emotions in the first couple of weeks, and I thought I could fix him, show him... ya right!!! people know themselves better than you.. and if they say that RUN..... they are uuuuber broken, and there's no fixing themselves but themselves!
On Tuesday I was pretty confused about everthing.. it was alot of drama in a short amount of time and I couldn't really process it all... I had my therapy session, and because of how confused I was, she picked up on that and talked to me about drinking... and told me that I really need to stop drinking... she was pretty hard on me... which I know I need. So everyday since then I have thought about what she said.. I have asked myself what happened, and if I can actually quit drinking entirely. I think I am at the point where I totally agree with her that I need to quit, just beause of the effects it has on my body and my energy.. but I don't have a strong enough foundation to completely erraicate that from my entire social life... so my decision is to not quit drinking yet.... I promised myself I would start going swimming and yoga again once school was done... start cooking healthier.. and I think I want to learn how to curl! but we'll see... then eventually the drinking... but not yet.
So onto the biggest news.... the man. So I have no idea where this is going to go, but I need to share it.
about 3 weeks ago?? I stopped into one of the bars downtown for last call, and I saw these three guys standing at the end of the bar... all three of them were attractive, but one of them caught my eye.... but that was it.
The next morning I woke up and there was a message from this guy on pof.com and it just said that he had read my profile but hadn't looked at my pics yet and wanted to get to know me.... anyways... when I talked to him I reallized that it may have been the same guy that I had seen the night before.
Anyways we started chatting via text.. and have spent the past 3 weeks chatting... we were supposed to go for coffee last week, but he was sick and then he suggested coffee on Friday.
We talked on Thrusday and then I wrote him a couple texts that night and I didn't get a response. The next day I wrote him in the morning and called.. and nothing. finally I wrote "just wondering what time we were getting together today." and still nothing... long story short I spent the whole day obsessing... I totally felt rejected, Like I had done something wrong... it took everything in my power not to write him any more... things to write him that popped into my head were things like
"what did I do wrong?"
"I don't know what changed your mind but is there anything that I can do to fix it?"
"fuck you."
"atleast you could have fucking written me and told me you were going to stand me up!"
lol... but I didn't.
The next morning I wrote again and just said "how are you doing" and again no response... I can't tell you how disappointed I was, we had been talking for three weeks and I felt like we could really get along.... I really was obsessing and taking it very personally... trying to pep talk myself .. I was saying things to myself like"whatever you are better than this!, why worry, obviosly he isn't the greatest guy... better to know now.. etc." but that didn't help... and then on my way to work I asked myself, what the hell was I doing, WHY was I behaving this way... and I realized "this is what it looks like when you are being dramatic! you are totally making a big deal out of nothing, for no reason than to have drama!"
I had realized I was dramatic a while ago now... but to actually catch yourself behaving that way is a whole other thing.... once I realized that.. I was fine.
The next day he ended up texting me and appologizing for not getting back to me... that he had left his phone in his friend's car... I didn't know what to say... I wanted to stand up for myself, but then again I was sper happy that he wrote me, and that it wasn't anything I did or said.
so I told him that I totally felt stood up and disappointed on Friday. He appologized again and I said.. thanks for appologizing. I accept it.
and we spent the day again texting. This time I decided that I would be up for dinner, not just coffee.
So we met last night... although he was 30minutes late... lol...
We had just an awesome night chilling out and chatting, we went for sushi and he had never tried it and totally was willing to try, I taught him how to use chopsticks.. and told him if he gets nothing out of this date, he'll atleast learn how to use chopsticks and always rememebr the girl who taught him!!!
We went for a beer after, and then I asked if he'd walk me to the bus... on our way over he said "it's soo cold, I think I'll come with you and take a cab from your place."
I sort of liked that he was inviting himself over.. but also was a little worried that things were going to lead further and I was a little concerned... anyways, we got home. I made tea for me and coffee for him, and we chatted some more.. spent the night watching funny youtube videos and talking.
It started getting super late, and I started worrying about him, but had to tell myself "he's an adult, he can take care of himself, if he wants to leave he can.... you have no responsibility for him having to get up in the morning. " at the same time, I had promised myself he wouldn't sleep over.
So finally he called a cab, and we went for a smoke on the back patio. When he went to leave he hugged me and pulled away and said "out of respect for you, I don't kiss girls on the first date... I know its weird, but its to prove that I'm not expecting anything." I pulled away and said "that's awesome... I like that!!!" and said good night.
I was sooo giddy when I came inside... and promised myself I wouldn't text him right away.. and he totally texted me and thanked me for a great night and told me he totally felt like he could just be himself around me and it didn't feel like we just met.... and then he invited me over to watch movies tonight!!!
I can't even tell you how happy I am.... so there... things are changing!!!!
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Day 60
In the past 15 days, my 28th birthday arrived, and went. I have started to accept the fact that I cannot pay, nor expect anyone else to pay for my post graduate education, and have started to humour a new plan. One in which I become a nurse. Something that frightens me... and so I know its right.
The idea of always having a job, making sure my foundation is secure and strong.... something I have never had before... and then down the road I will go to school to be a Naturopathic Doctor, when I know that I will be able to succeed, and support myself.
I have recognized the fact that I have spent my life hoping that someone will come and save me, and now I am accepting that I need to take care of myself. I need to be my own knight in shining armour.... and only then, when I can trust myself 100% and know that I will always provide myself with the support, love and security that I long for will the relationship I want emerge.
I have experienced a few experiences in the past couple of weeks that have tested my own convictions... I have had to say no to hooking up with someone that I have felt so close to in the past... I have had to fight with the urges to write my exboyfriend, I have experienced vivid dreams of my mother...
I realize I can never go back to that life... and yet, I am scared for the future, because I can see all the moments that came before me, where I made the decisions that got me there in the first place. I can see how each moment where I made the "wrong"decision, was a moment where I had lost hope.... one by one, digging my hoplessness deeper and deeper, supporting my hopelessness.
I am afraid that I will make those choices again.
I can't go back.... because I don't want to treat myself like that again... and yet there is a part of me that wants that because its better than nothing.... That's what got me there in the first place.... being with strangers was better than nothing.
I long for intimacy, for touch, for security and for love.
It scares me that I can never go back.... and yet what if I never find intimacy, touch, security and love? The thought suffocates me... makes me so sad.
I feel like I'm missing my own life... that I am so focused on finding someone to share my life with me that I am missing out on the journey....
I want to be ok with being alone. I want to be satisfied with my own company.... forever. I know in my heart the only way I will have the relationship I want is to trully be satisfied with myself.... with just me. When I don't need anything from anyone else... and can get everything I need from myself and the love that is in everything around me. Only then can I be in a relationship where we are two trees entangled, but not one... only then can I still remain an individual while in a relationship.. only then will I be ok no matter what happens, and will be able to trust myself, and what ever the future will bring.
Only then will I be able to let my partner be whoever he is, and not expect or need anything from him, just enjoy him being part of my life... for how ever long that may be.
Oh the duality.
I have been so calm this week. So grounded.... so neutral, it feels so different... i feel the edges of my body... my skin, my toes, my fingers. I feel my heart.
Last night I dreamt of my mother... we were in Japan... she embraced me... I felt the complete love, adoration and security that she gave me.... for a brief moment I didn't live inside of not having her... for a brief moment she was alive.... and life was different. I was different... and then I awoke.
I'm getting there.
All changes, even the most longed for have their melancholy. For what we leave behind us is part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another. -Anatole France
The idea of always having a job, making sure my foundation is secure and strong.... something I have never had before... and then down the road I will go to school to be a Naturopathic Doctor, when I know that I will be able to succeed, and support myself.
I have recognized the fact that I have spent my life hoping that someone will come and save me, and now I am accepting that I need to take care of myself. I need to be my own knight in shining armour.... and only then, when I can trust myself 100% and know that I will always provide myself with the support, love and security that I long for will the relationship I want emerge.
I have experienced a few experiences in the past couple of weeks that have tested my own convictions... I have had to say no to hooking up with someone that I have felt so close to in the past... I have had to fight with the urges to write my exboyfriend, I have experienced vivid dreams of my mother...
I realize I can never go back to that life... and yet, I am scared for the future, because I can see all the moments that came before me, where I made the decisions that got me there in the first place. I can see how each moment where I made the "wrong"decision, was a moment where I had lost hope.... one by one, digging my hoplessness deeper and deeper, supporting my hopelessness.
I am afraid that I will make those choices again.
I can't go back.... because I don't want to treat myself like that again... and yet there is a part of me that wants that because its better than nothing.... That's what got me there in the first place.... being with strangers was better than nothing.
I long for intimacy, for touch, for security and for love.
It scares me that I can never go back.... and yet what if I never find intimacy, touch, security and love? The thought suffocates me... makes me so sad.
I feel like I'm missing my own life... that I am so focused on finding someone to share my life with me that I am missing out on the journey....
I want to be ok with being alone. I want to be satisfied with my own company.... forever. I know in my heart the only way I will have the relationship I want is to trully be satisfied with myself.... with just me. When I don't need anything from anyone else... and can get everything I need from myself and the love that is in everything around me. Only then can I be in a relationship where we are two trees entangled, but not one... only then can I still remain an individual while in a relationship.. only then will I be ok no matter what happens, and will be able to trust myself, and what ever the future will bring.
Only then will I be able to let my partner be whoever he is, and not expect or need anything from him, just enjoy him being part of my life... for how ever long that may be.
Oh the duality.
I have been so calm this week. So grounded.... so neutral, it feels so different... i feel the edges of my body... my skin, my toes, my fingers. I feel my heart.
Last night I dreamt of my mother... we were in Japan... she embraced me... I felt the complete love, adoration and security that she gave me.... for a brief moment I didn't live inside of not having her... for a brief moment she was alive.... and life was different. I was different... and then I awoke.
I'm getting there.
All changes, even the most longed for have their melancholy. For what we leave behind us is part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another. -Anatole France
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Day 45- absolutely NO motivation
I have no motivation to do anything. in fact its been 4 days of no motivation.... I have a Chem lab that I have to go to today... but I already skipped all of my classes so far this week.... even though I know they help me exceedingly.
I am rediculously horny, all I want is a smoke... and I am fantasizing about my ex - asshole- boyfriend...... It looks like it's freezing outside. My room is a shambles and I have to study physics because I have another quiz due on Friday that's worth 10% of my mark.....
Right now I just cannot see the light.... I just want to sleep forever.
A.
I am rediculously horny, all I want is a smoke... and I am fantasizing about my ex - asshole- boyfriend...... It looks like it's freezing outside. My room is a shambles and I have to study physics because I have another quiz due on Friday that's worth 10% of my mark.....
Right now I just cannot see the light.... I just want to sleep forever.
A.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Day 44 - lonliness
Lonliness has set it.... Part of me thinks that the rediculous amount of alcohol and the small amount of food I consumed on Saturday may have played a role in my blues... and hormones may also play a role in this uncomfortable state of being... but here I am, sad, lonely and confused.
It's weird being semi- depressed for the first time in my life and not drinking away the sadness, not smoking a pack of cigarettes or trying to find someone to sleep with in order for the pain to go away. I am just here, feeling it.... just feeling it.
For years I have been trying to run from this feeling... and here it is.. in all its glory, its uncomfortable, and upsetting, painful.... but I'm not running from it this time. I'm just experiencing it.
My birthday is in 5 days... my 28th birthday....
every year since I was little I have tried to make the biggest fuss out of my birthday... I always invited as many people as possible. I always wanted to prove that I wasn't a loner, that I had friends... I always wanted to prove that I was somebody and that people loved me...
Right now I am very aware of my deep desire that all my friends come to my birthday party.. and ifthey don't how sad I will be... and even though I know its rediculous to weigh your friendships on who shows up at your birthday party... here I am doing it....
Right now I want to have the strength to just not care.... to just tell all of my friends that this year I am just going to spend the day quietly at home....
I don't feel strong enough to go to the bar... I don't feel strong enough not to drink, not to smoke... not to desperately want to go home with a guy. ....
44 days is a long time....
all I want in the whole world is my innocence back... I want to believe that I can have a man in my life that really does care about me, and wants to get to know me... that just adores me.
I want to have sex that actually means something.... for once in my life.... and I don't want to do anything that sabotages that.
I want a family. my own family.... one that I know is there, and will be there at every birthday, every holiday... in the morning when I wake up and at night when I go to sleep... I just want my own family....
The truth is every birthday I think about my mother... the year she died, 3 months later was my birthday and I realized that 20 years before that it had been her day.... it had been the day that she had her very first child.... it had been our day for 20 years... and now it wasn't.. it was just mine, but really what's the celebration when you don't have the person that looked at you for the very first time, and was just so thankful you were born... healthy and with 10 fingers and 10 toes....
Despite my blues right now.. somehow the adult me got myself to get out of bed this morning and go to a movement class...
One of the first things we did was massage easchothers bodies with our own bodies.... I found myself incredibly self conscious, and uncomfortable.. and the lump in my throat got soo painful.. I just wanted to cry...
I had to stop for a second and just recognize how I was feeling.
I realized that I was sooo sad, because I haven't had physical contact with another human being in so long... my body CRAVES it.... its painful for me not to be touched or to touch someone else... and the recognition.. the simple recognition that I have been so desperate for that that I look for it in unhealthy ways.... I want to be touched so badly.... just touched. That's what I miss most about not sleeping with men.... being touched...
once in a while I would find a man who just touched me.... ran his fingers gently along my back, my arms, my face... just touched me.... as far as I am concerned, that's much more than sex, its much more intimate, and calming... comfortable... just being touched...
it saddens me knowing that it may be years for that to happen again.... and it has to be because I can't ever settle for anything less than what I want...and need. I can never be with another man that I don't trust... and who doesn't value who I am...
I want this sooo badly... I'm just so scared that I am going to give up like I did as a kid... I had the same dream... and then I got to be 19 and there hadn't been anyone who just asked me out... who wanted to get to know me.... so I gave up..... how do I go through that struggle again? without giving up?
I know in my heart its coming... freedom.
Freedom from myself, from doubt and denial, from self hate.... but the door you have to walk through in order to get to the other side is feeling all those feelings you've felt over the years... actually feeling hte rejection, the lies, the abandonment, the truth....
you have to experience the truth in order to free yourself from your own binds.. the limitations you imposed on yourself based on everything that happened in your life... you have to face them in order to see the illusion... see how it was all made up.
See your true self SHINE.
I believe this....
It's weird being semi- depressed for the first time in my life and not drinking away the sadness, not smoking a pack of cigarettes or trying to find someone to sleep with in order for the pain to go away. I am just here, feeling it.... just feeling it.
For years I have been trying to run from this feeling... and here it is.. in all its glory, its uncomfortable, and upsetting, painful.... but I'm not running from it this time. I'm just experiencing it.
My birthday is in 5 days... my 28th birthday....
every year since I was little I have tried to make the biggest fuss out of my birthday... I always invited as many people as possible. I always wanted to prove that I wasn't a loner, that I had friends... I always wanted to prove that I was somebody and that people loved me...
Right now I am very aware of my deep desire that all my friends come to my birthday party.. and ifthey don't how sad I will be... and even though I know its rediculous to weigh your friendships on who shows up at your birthday party... here I am doing it....
Right now I want to have the strength to just not care.... to just tell all of my friends that this year I am just going to spend the day quietly at home....
I don't feel strong enough to go to the bar... I don't feel strong enough not to drink, not to smoke... not to desperately want to go home with a guy. ....
44 days is a long time....
all I want in the whole world is my innocence back... I want to believe that I can have a man in my life that really does care about me, and wants to get to know me... that just adores me.
I want to have sex that actually means something.... for once in my life.... and I don't want to do anything that sabotages that.
I want a family. my own family.... one that I know is there, and will be there at every birthday, every holiday... in the morning when I wake up and at night when I go to sleep... I just want my own family....
The truth is every birthday I think about my mother... the year she died, 3 months later was my birthday and I realized that 20 years before that it had been her day.... it had been the day that she had her very first child.... it had been our day for 20 years... and now it wasn't.. it was just mine, but really what's the celebration when you don't have the person that looked at you for the very first time, and was just so thankful you were born... healthy and with 10 fingers and 10 toes....
Despite my blues right now.. somehow the adult me got myself to get out of bed this morning and go to a movement class...
One of the first things we did was massage easchothers bodies with our own bodies.... I found myself incredibly self conscious, and uncomfortable.. and the lump in my throat got soo painful.. I just wanted to cry...
I had to stop for a second and just recognize how I was feeling.
I realized that I was sooo sad, because I haven't had physical contact with another human being in so long... my body CRAVES it.... its painful for me not to be touched or to touch someone else... and the recognition.. the simple recognition that I have been so desperate for that that I look for it in unhealthy ways.... I want to be touched so badly.... just touched. That's what I miss most about not sleeping with men.... being touched...
once in a while I would find a man who just touched me.... ran his fingers gently along my back, my arms, my face... just touched me.... as far as I am concerned, that's much more than sex, its much more intimate, and calming... comfortable... just being touched...
it saddens me knowing that it may be years for that to happen again.... and it has to be because I can't ever settle for anything less than what I want...and need. I can never be with another man that I don't trust... and who doesn't value who I am...
I want this sooo badly... I'm just so scared that I am going to give up like I did as a kid... I had the same dream... and then I got to be 19 and there hadn't been anyone who just asked me out... who wanted to get to know me.... so I gave up..... how do I go through that struggle again? without giving up?
I know in my heart its coming... freedom.
Freedom from myself, from doubt and denial, from self hate.... but the door you have to walk through in order to get to the other side is feeling all those feelings you've felt over the years... actually feeling hte rejection, the lies, the abandonment, the truth....
you have to experience the truth in order to free yourself from your own binds.. the limitations you imposed on yourself based on everything that happened in your life... you have to face them in order to see the illusion... see how it was all made up.
See your true self SHINE.
I believe this....
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Day 37 - another layer
So in all the chaos that I have written about over the past few days I am now starting to realize how deep my addiction to drama and attention really goes. In fact, this blog is a clear sign of that.... although part of me (the healthy part) writes this knowing that it is important to document the shift, and another side of me(the unhealthy/ego side) totally does this, to get attention...
Reading it and even being aware of what I write, I can start to see how dramatic everything is to me. It's not that when you decide to move past a drama addiction drama necessarily disappears, we all are faced with drama, but I am starting to recognize how I deal with the drama that comes up... I make it a big deal in my head... and how that must drive the people around me crazy!
Every time I have a moment where I am feeling overwhelmed, that all knowing voice inside of me comes up and says... come now, this is not THAT bad... its not That tough... you've been through worse... just move along... stop resisting... just freaking surrender to it all already... I am so aware that my drama is my way of resisting.. the more I talk, the less I do... but appear, to both myself, and sometimes the people around me.. that I am changing... its the slowly peeling the bandaid off instead of ripping it off...
The more drama I want, the harder it is... now isn't this one a doozy to process! lol
I was just talking to a friend about this, and I was just about to say.. "I guess when I figure out what it looks like for me to not seek that attention, and not overly dramatize everything, then I'll get past it... " and again that all knowing voice came up and said "nope, that's not what you did to get over the other ones... you tried that and it didn't work.... you just have to do it... rip the bandaid off... " stupid inner voice!! lol... I'll be honest, more than anything I don't want to give this one up... I am totally attached to this as my identity... when people think of me they think of how much I talk, and how much I dramatize everything. I am so attached to that.. I can't even imagine myself as someone who doesn't talk all the time, crave attention and over analyze every freaking little thing...
man that must be an annoying quality about me... crap!
Reading it and even being aware of what I write, I can start to see how dramatic everything is to me. It's not that when you decide to move past a drama addiction drama necessarily disappears, we all are faced with drama, but I am starting to recognize how I deal with the drama that comes up... I make it a big deal in my head... and how that must drive the people around me crazy!
Every time I have a moment where I am feeling overwhelmed, that all knowing voice inside of me comes up and says... come now, this is not THAT bad... its not That tough... you've been through worse... just move along... stop resisting... just freaking surrender to it all already... I am so aware that my drama is my way of resisting.. the more I talk, the less I do... but appear, to both myself, and sometimes the people around me.. that I am changing... its the slowly peeling the bandaid off instead of ripping it off...
The more drama I want, the harder it is... now isn't this one a doozy to process! lol
I was just talking to a friend about this, and I was just about to say.. "I guess when I figure out what it looks like for me to not seek that attention, and not overly dramatize everything, then I'll get past it... " and again that all knowing voice came up and said "nope, that's not what you did to get over the other ones... you tried that and it didn't work.... you just have to do it... rip the bandaid off... " stupid inner voice!! lol... I'll be honest, more than anything I don't want to give this one up... I am totally attached to this as my identity... when people think of me they think of how much I talk, and how much I dramatize everything. I am so attached to that.. I can't even imagine myself as someone who doesn't talk all the time, crave attention and over analyze every freaking little thing...
man that must be an annoying quality about me... crap!
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Day 37 - wake up
yup, so basically this is the scariest thing I think one can encounter. Nothing compares to realizing.. I mean really getting how insane the world is... and feeling pretty damn alone in it... How is this possible? How did people get here?
Liberating... freeing, and terrifying... because now what? freeing you is a pretty daunting task... because truth is... I don't think people really want to find the truth.... most people couldn't handle it.
Liberating... freeing, and terrifying... because now what? freeing you is a pretty daunting task... because truth is... I don't think people really want to find the truth.... most people couldn't handle it.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Day 36.... getting confronted.
So....
The whole looking up, seeing the sky, and trying to figure out if you want to go back under, or step out into the light... the problem is that most of the world is still under the water, supressed, addicted, controlled, and seeing it is terrrifying because it means you have to take responsibility and partake in the game of life... and help... wherever you can.
Today I was totally confronted.
I have a prof who is an awesome professor, in that he is a really good teacher, he knows how to explain things in a way that people can get it... but if people are talking he totally singles them out, and humiliates them. It makes me pretty angry.
I mean, I get it, they are disturbing him, and the class, but most of the time it happens right after he talks about something a little confusing, so everyone sort of turns to the person next to them and asks what the fuck...
but god forbid he looks at you when you do that... he will stop everything he's doing and single you out... and it bothers me so much...
So for the past few classes I have seen him do this, and I have this feeling deep inside me that knows I have to speak up, but I am so confronted by that. Today I chose not to say something because I knew it would come from a place of complete emotion and not be powerful... but it scares the shit out of me that I have to say something... that I have to start training myself to stand up for people, or how the hell am I ever going to change the world, if I can't even stand up to my prof?
The weirdest thing is that I am reading this book called Wheels of LIfe by Anodea Judith. I just so happened to be starting the chapter on the 3rd chakra today, and it totally freaked me out because it was talking about how the 3rd is linked to will, power and self esteem, and how we are all raised and conditioned to not speak out, to be compliant.... and man am I ever feeling it, and its terrifying me that I ACTUALLY have to speak out for me to be the person I want to be.
Another thing I am realizing is my triggers for wanting to smoke and drink. Basically when I feel that its all just too big for my little mind and body to grasp I want to smoke.... I want to drink it away because its just too overwhelming....
I want to remain small so I don't have to be responsible for the future of the world... that's a pretty big and daunting task.
going to sleep.
The whole looking up, seeing the sky, and trying to figure out if you want to go back under, or step out into the light... the problem is that most of the world is still under the water, supressed, addicted, controlled, and seeing it is terrrifying because it means you have to take responsibility and partake in the game of life... and help... wherever you can.
Today I was totally confronted.
I have a prof who is an awesome professor, in that he is a really good teacher, he knows how to explain things in a way that people can get it... but if people are talking he totally singles them out, and humiliates them. It makes me pretty angry.
I mean, I get it, they are disturbing him, and the class, but most of the time it happens right after he talks about something a little confusing, so everyone sort of turns to the person next to them and asks what the fuck...
but god forbid he looks at you when you do that... he will stop everything he's doing and single you out... and it bothers me so much...
So for the past few classes I have seen him do this, and I have this feeling deep inside me that knows I have to speak up, but I am so confronted by that. Today I chose not to say something because I knew it would come from a place of complete emotion and not be powerful... but it scares the shit out of me that I have to say something... that I have to start training myself to stand up for people, or how the hell am I ever going to change the world, if I can't even stand up to my prof?
The weirdest thing is that I am reading this book called Wheels of LIfe by Anodea Judith. I just so happened to be starting the chapter on the 3rd chakra today, and it totally freaked me out because it was talking about how the 3rd is linked to will, power and self esteem, and how we are all raised and conditioned to not speak out, to be compliant.... and man am I ever feeling it, and its terrifying me that I ACTUALLY have to speak out for me to be the person I want to be.
Another thing I am realizing is my triggers for wanting to smoke and drink. Basically when I feel that its all just too big for my little mind and body to grasp I want to smoke.... I want to drink it away because its just too overwhelming....
I want to remain small so I don't have to be responsible for the future of the world... that's a pretty big and daunting task.
going to sleep.
Day 36 - what I was REALLY feeling.
If you have been on any spiritual journey, addictions are usually referred to as the things that you do to prevent yourself from feeling what you REALLY feel inside.
I have been very aware of this, and have been wondering what could be sooooo bad that I have to use alcohol, smokes, sex, abuse, to cover it up... what could possibly be worse than all this??
Well I am in the process of seeing it for the first time as an adult, and I'm starting to realize why I was so scared to feel it....
The funny thing in doing all those things, I totally fell into the trap so many of us do, forgetting that we chose the trap too.
Basically I am realizing how sad the world is.
When you start really getting connected with yourself, all the injustice in the world, ACTUALLY hurts inside, compassion arises, and it is physically and emotionally painful to realize how dysfunctional the world REALLY is.
When you kill your intuition with alcohol, sex, drugs, drama, abuse.... stupid shit, you don't have the time to connect with the rest of the world and so don't feel how awful it feels.
I dare you, stop every addiction you have.... for 6 months... and you will finally get connected.
All each one of us wants is to be connected, and yet all we have to do is stop our addictions and allow ourselves to get connected, the problem is, that it is PAINFUL. I will be straight with you...
when you wake up and REALLY get how many people are killing themselves, killing others... how more than half the population of the world believes in a FREAKING MAN IN THE SKY!.... that people ACTUALLY believe that when they die they could go to an eternal inferno.... how unbelievably sad that is... IMAGINE? living your whole life scared. terrified of judgment.... how awful that would be.
I am in this state of clarity that is so confronting....
the question... do I take it on, do I accept and try to help, or do I follow the pack?
Its like coming up for air and seeing the sky for the very first time, and realizing you don't have to live in the water anymore.... but almost all the people you know, and love are still living in the water.... what would you choose????
What I have realized?
I was killing myself, I was slowly murdering myself, suffocating myself, restricting myself. I was ACTUALLY killing myself. I used men to beat me, leave scars on my soul. I used cigarettes to suffocate myself, I used food to make me lethargic, sucking the life out of me. I used sex to suck any-other part of love and life out of me... because the gravity of the situation is so severe I didn't think I could handle it... and to be quite frank, I am not sure if I can.
Here's what I believe.
I believe in Love.
I believe in science
I believe what lies between the atoms of our cells, of our bodies, of our surroundings, of the earth, the air, the animals, of cities, of EVERYTHING... is energy.
Any physicist will tell you that is the case, whether you want to believe him or not, it is the truth.
and if everything is PRIMARILY empty space, and in that empty space energy exists.... then energy exists in us all, we are all energy... we are all part of the same thing. There's no way we can be separate.... I need you, you need me. That's it.
And the only way I can be healthy, is if you are healthy... and the only way you can be healthy is if I am healthy... why are so many of us so fucked up? Cause our parents were fucked up... and why were they fucked up? cause their parents were fucked up...
We've been trying to figure out the answer... that's why all these creation myths and crazy ideas get created, because we are LOOKING for the truth.... and we can't explain it, so we have to invent concepts to try and explain it..... the truth is just LOVE. that's it. nothing more.
You have to love yourself.
you have to give up all the stupid shit in your life, that you think you will die without... and you have to respect, and honour YOURSELF. you have to follow your dreams... and you have to LOVE your children. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN LOVE THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
Its a false concept that you are too old to go do something you love... who told you that?
The world is fucked up... the question is are you going to join and play? or are you going to hide beneath the sheets... the sun is out... come play with me!!
I have been very aware of this, and have been wondering what could be sooooo bad that I have to use alcohol, smokes, sex, abuse, to cover it up... what could possibly be worse than all this??
Well I am in the process of seeing it for the first time as an adult, and I'm starting to realize why I was so scared to feel it....
The funny thing in doing all those things, I totally fell into the trap so many of us do, forgetting that we chose the trap too.
Basically I am realizing how sad the world is.
When you start really getting connected with yourself, all the injustice in the world, ACTUALLY hurts inside, compassion arises, and it is physically and emotionally painful to realize how dysfunctional the world REALLY is.
When you kill your intuition with alcohol, sex, drugs, drama, abuse.... stupid shit, you don't have the time to connect with the rest of the world and so don't feel how awful it feels.
I dare you, stop every addiction you have.... for 6 months... and you will finally get connected.
All each one of us wants is to be connected, and yet all we have to do is stop our addictions and allow ourselves to get connected, the problem is, that it is PAINFUL. I will be straight with you...
when you wake up and REALLY get how many people are killing themselves, killing others... how more than half the population of the world believes in a FREAKING MAN IN THE SKY!.... that people ACTUALLY believe that when they die they could go to an eternal inferno.... how unbelievably sad that is... IMAGINE? living your whole life scared. terrified of judgment.... how awful that would be.
I am in this state of clarity that is so confronting....
the question... do I take it on, do I accept and try to help, or do I follow the pack?
Its like coming up for air and seeing the sky for the very first time, and realizing you don't have to live in the water anymore.... but almost all the people you know, and love are still living in the water.... what would you choose????
What I have realized?
I was killing myself, I was slowly murdering myself, suffocating myself, restricting myself. I was ACTUALLY killing myself. I used men to beat me, leave scars on my soul. I used cigarettes to suffocate myself, I used food to make me lethargic, sucking the life out of me. I used sex to suck any-other part of love and life out of me... because the gravity of the situation is so severe I didn't think I could handle it... and to be quite frank, I am not sure if I can.
Here's what I believe.
I believe in Love.
I believe in science
I believe what lies between the atoms of our cells, of our bodies, of our surroundings, of the earth, the air, the animals, of cities, of EVERYTHING... is energy.
Any physicist will tell you that is the case, whether you want to believe him or not, it is the truth.
and if everything is PRIMARILY empty space, and in that empty space energy exists.... then energy exists in us all, we are all energy... we are all part of the same thing. There's no way we can be separate.... I need you, you need me. That's it.
And the only way I can be healthy, is if you are healthy... and the only way you can be healthy is if I am healthy... why are so many of us so fucked up? Cause our parents were fucked up... and why were they fucked up? cause their parents were fucked up...
We've been trying to figure out the answer... that's why all these creation myths and crazy ideas get created, because we are LOOKING for the truth.... and we can't explain it, so we have to invent concepts to try and explain it..... the truth is just LOVE. that's it. nothing more.
You have to love yourself.
you have to give up all the stupid shit in your life, that you think you will die without... and you have to respect, and honour YOURSELF. you have to follow your dreams... and you have to LOVE your children. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN LOVE THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
Its a false concept that you are too old to go do something you love... who told you that?
The world is fucked up... the question is are you going to join and play? or are you going to hide beneath the sheets... the sun is out... come play with me!!
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Day 35... the uncontestible truth.
The incontestable truth is that I play my life small. That I find everything I can to over analyze and dramatize. I am not connected to my body, I am only connected to my head. I do not really reflect on the consequences of my behavior and therefor have no ability to learn from my mistakes. I don't want to admit that I have been steering this ship, called my body, my life, off course for quite sometime. I don't want to admit that I am completely responsible for ALL the hardships in my life.
I have not been happy.... because I CHOOSE to make all these stupid things into really huge problems, when all they are are stupid shit. We distract ourselves from the truth.
I am going through this crazy stage where everything is starting to makes sense, I am so aware of how I have been living my life and I am so clear about how to change that and it scares the freaking shit out of me.
I am finally internalizing all the things that I have been thinking for years... I am finally bringing my thoughts back into my body and ACTUALLY FEELING those thoughts.... getting connected with the impact of those thoughts, and recognizing where I need to change things in order to have the life I want.
I need to go back to how I was as a child, loving life, happy, inspired, caring, and thoughtful.
Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time.... there were a few reasons for this, but specifically I went to my uncle's 60th birthday party... and I was a different person, I took care of people, I was bubbly and excited, and happy...
I made sure that the girls in the back got the food that we had for the buffet. They loved me, because I took care of them, for no other reason that they felt noticed and cared for. and I did that with my family and they opened up to me.
I told my uncle John that once in his life he will be able to think of me and not think of drama. I promised him that.... you should have seen the look on his face! When you say something that you aren't totally sure if its what people think about you, and you say it, and they agree its the most liberating and unbalancing thing you can do.
He doesn't believe me. He thinks that forever I will be a dramatic person... he doesn't believe me, because he has no reason to believe me. I have never done anything to demonstrate that I am capable of such an undertaking.
I am so clear right now that I have to make these huge shifts in my life or I won't be able to be a Naturopathic doctor. It just won't be possible. I have to change everything about me, and I am scared to death of the responsibility that comes with that.
I have to quit smoking
I have to take care of myself, my household and my body.
What this means is I have to really put time out to do the things I love, to cook and eat healthy food, to really start relating to myself.
I have to radiate outwardly the changes on the inside. And unless I am willing to do this NOW, I won't ever become a Naturopath. It just won't happen. It's that simple.
Love yourself, or you are going to miserable. finish. STOP. end of sentence.
there's no way of getting around it. You just have to love yourself, and take care of yourself.
I am so freaking clear about everything right now and I am sooo scared that this clarity is going to go away, and I am going to be stuck behind all of the shit again!
I'll write more later, I have to head home!!!
I have not been happy.... because I CHOOSE to make all these stupid things into really huge problems, when all they are are stupid shit. We distract ourselves from the truth.
I am going through this crazy stage where everything is starting to makes sense, I am so aware of how I have been living my life and I am so clear about how to change that and it scares the freaking shit out of me.
I am finally internalizing all the things that I have been thinking for years... I am finally bringing my thoughts back into my body and ACTUALLY FEELING those thoughts.... getting connected with the impact of those thoughts, and recognizing where I need to change things in order to have the life I want.
I need to go back to how I was as a child, loving life, happy, inspired, caring, and thoughtful.
Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time.... there were a few reasons for this, but specifically I went to my uncle's 60th birthday party... and I was a different person, I took care of people, I was bubbly and excited, and happy...
I made sure that the girls in the back got the food that we had for the buffet. They loved me, because I took care of them, for no other reason that they felt noticed and cared for. and I did that with my family and they opened up to me.
I told my uncle John that once in his life he will be able to think of me and not think of drama. I promised him that.... you should have seen the look on his face! When you say something that you aren't totally sure if its what people think about you, and you say it, and they agree its the most liberating and unbalancing thing you can do.
He doesn't believe me. He thinks that forever I will be a dramatic person... he doesn't believe me, because he has no reason to believe me. I have never done anything to demonstrate that I am capable of such an undertaking.
I am so clear right now that I have to make these huge shifts in my life or I won't be able to be a Naturopathic doctor. It just won't be possible. I have to change everything about me, and I am scared to death of the responsibility that comes with that.
I have to quit smoking
I have to take care of myself, my household and my body.
What this means is I have to really put time out to do the things I love, to cook and eat healthy food, to really start relating to myself.
I have to radiate outwardly the changes on the inside. And unless I am willing to do this NOW, I won't ever become a Naturopath. It just won't happen. It's that simple.
Love yourself, or you are going to miserable. finish. STOP. end of sentence.
there's no way of getting around it. You just have to love yourself, and take care of yourself.
I am so freaking clear about everything right now and I am sooo scared that this clarity is going to go away, and I am going to be stuck behind all of the shit again!
I'll write more later, I have to head home!!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Day 28 - Addicted to Misery
I don't want to write this down.. but I know I need to document how I am feeling today, and hopefully soon this feeling will dissapear into the past, and I will tehn have a reminder of what I had to go through to get to the other side.
Last night I obsessed about going out.... I finally told myself that if I really wanted to go.. then just go and stop feeling miserable. So I went to a party next door. I decided to have a glass of wine and smoke a little bit of a joint.
Within 5 minutes I felt retarded... and then all of a sudden caught myself wanting more than anything in the world want these hot guys' attention... I caught myself fantasizing about sleeping with one of them... trying to convince myself that it would be ok if I just make out with one of them ... I didn't even know the'r names.. and here I was crazing attention from them.... I finally caught myself thinking about this one guy that was rocking back and forth cause he was sooo drunk... and I knew that I was in absolutely no condition to be there... so I left.
Since then I feel so uncomfortable... I feel like I am going crazy...My therapist this week told me that I really should work on not telling everyone everything.... that maybe I could keep some energy for me... and yet today I found myself telling everyone I could about what happened last night.... its like I want this feeling to go away soo badly that I feel if I dump it on everyone else it will....
Its the weirdest feeling... I do all of this behaviour so that I don't feel... and here I am without my vices and I am feeling even worse... it fucking sucks!!!!!
I am soooo aware that on top of feeling like shit, I am now completely obsessing over this shit.. .as though there's nothing else to think about or do... I am totally addicted to my own misery, addicted to feeling like shit, and sharing the drama of it all with everyone around me.... and I can feel this part of me that thinks... if you had none of this struggle in your life, what would you talk about....
?
I totally just caught myself realizing that I totally get people to pay attention to me through drama in my life... and if I didn't have drama, then why would they pay attention to me.. its how I get people to show me they love me.... and if not that.. then how would they show me... how owuld I get their attention...
its's all so fucked up.
I'm so freaking confused. moving from one addiction to the next...
My friend says that I should just give myself a time line and then getover it.... but to be honest I don't know if I want to get over it... its how I've always played my life... I'm scared of being responsible... of not having any excuses as to why I didn't make it.... if I'm totally better than i have nothing to blame in my life, and I am terrified that I will fail, despite it all, and will have no excuses... its all on me then.
Fuck this life thing is so damn complicated and confronting... i am totally addicted to being the victim of EVERYTHING... and I don't know how to stop that... and change that. It feels like it is too big, how could I possibly be in control of it all?
If I fail, then well I have the fact that I was dealing with my shit to blame.... and before that it was the same excuse, if I have no shit to deal with.. then what? then what do I have to blame my failures on???
I don't have the answers yet...
Last night I obsessed about going out.... I finally told myself that if I really wanted to go.. then just go and stop feeling miserable. So I went to a party next door. I decided to have a glass of wine and smoke a little bit of a joint.
Within 5 minutes I felt retarded... and then all of a sudden caught myself wanting more than anything in the world want these hot guys' attention... I caught myself fantasizing about sleeping with one of them... trying to convince myself that it would be ok if I just make out with one of them ... I didn't even know the'r names.. and here I was crazing attention from them.... I finally caught myself thinking about this one guy that was rocking back and forth cause he was sooo drunk... and I knew that I was in absolutely no condition to be there... so I left.
Since then I feel so uncomfortable... I feel like I am going crazy...My therapist this week told me that I really should work on not telling everyone everything.... that maybe I could keep some energy for me... and yet today I found myself telling everyone I could about what happened last night.... its like I want this feeling to go away soo badly that I feel if I dump it on everyone else it will....
Its the weirdest feeling... I do all of this behaviour so that I don't feel... and here I am without my vices and I am feeling even worse... it fucking sucks!!!!!
I am soooo aware that on top of feeling like shit, I am now completely obsessing over this shit.. .as though there's nothing else to think about or do... I am totally addicted to my own misery, addicted to feeling like shit, and sharing the drama of it all with everyone around me.... and I can feel this part of me that thinks... if you had none of this struggle in your life, what would you talk about....
?
I totally just caught myself realizing that I totally get people to pay attention to me through drama in my life... and if I didn't have drama, then why would they pay attention to me.. its how I get people to show me they love me.... and if not that.. then how would they show me... how owuld I get their attention...
its's all so fucked up.
I'm so freaking confused. moving from one addiction to the next...
My friend says that I should just give myself a time line and then getover it.... but to be honest I don't know if I want to get over it... its how I've always played my life... I'm scared of being responsible... of not having any excuses as to why I didn't make it.... if I'm totally better than i have nothing to blame in my life, and I am terrified that I will fail, despite it all, and will have no excuses... its all on me then.
Fuck this life thing is so damn complicated and confronting... i am totally addicted to being the victim of EVERYTHING... and I don't know how to stop that... and change that. It feels like it is too big, how could I possibly be in control of it all?
If I fail, then well I have the fact that I was dealing with my shit to blame.... and before that it was the same excuse, if I have no shit to deal with.. then what? then what do I have to blame my failures on???
I don't have the answers yet...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Day 23.. calmness comes.
I woke up this morning with such calmness. Yesterday my room mate also noticed it. She jjust said something is different about you. I was going to ask you if you had lost weight. You are different.
I feel different.
Just more calm and grounded. My mind isn't racing today. Its not really analyzing anything....or thinking about anything in particular..... except for planning the day, and thinking about quitting smoking.
So this feeling comes after spending three days just miserable.
I've been totally confronted with a lot of things over the past 4 days.
First I went to my meditation course on Friday night and I was sooo frustrated, I couldn't see anything that my teacher was saying... I feel so lost. But I try. I atleast quiet my mind. lol. and don't spend the hour beeating myself up.
At the end of the session I told my teacher that I was really frustrated, and he said that it was totally ok, and that I am on the verge of a huge breakthrough.
That night my friend and I went home and had a good night chatting. Then I watched Shutter Island.... SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you haven't seen this movie... you really should!
At the end I started thinking about how we all create illusions in our lives to protect ourselves from the truth we don't want to see. At that moment it was just sooo clear to me how we convince ourselves of the role people play in our lives in order for us to stay where we are in life.... we are sheep, trying to stay safe by being part of the pack....
This concept has been terrifying me lately. Stepping out, and being different is rocking my world. Its the concept that everytime I get to this point in my growth, when I get confronted with that thought, I give up, I can't bear the thought of being thought of as crazy....
I've always thought it was because my mom was so "out there" to a lot of people and I felt how weird everyone thought she and I were, and I hated that... especially as a kid... as a result I know I've done a lot in my life to make sure that I put the camoflage on, so people think I'm normal...
lately I wonder if that fear is way deeper than just my mother and my childhood. I've been getting this feeling that I've had atleast one if not a few past lives where I was tortured, sent to an insane assylum, burned at the stake for what I believe and I am sooooo terrified of that happening again, deep in my core.
My unconscious doesn't trust the world with my truth.
On Friday night I had such clarity, I ended up writing my thoughts down. Let me preface this letter with this. I am realizing how much I want to be a Naturopathic Doctor, that I need someone to cosign my loan with me... and no one will. I feel overwhelmed with the idea that someone will risk everything for me... and If I fuck up they will be stuck with that debt. I have the potential to ruin their credit.... but more than that I am having a hard time asking anyone to believe in me THAT much. I am also getting some of the people I love most in my life warning me, telling me that they don't think this is a good idea... etc. So this is the letter that I wrote that night.. I won't send it out, but it articulates what I am going through.
***************************************
So the next day I was in a totally different space. By the night I was feeling so overwhelmed. It was the first night I spent in Guelph since deciding to stop my behaviour with men.... every part of my body wanted to go to the bar after work, I was torturing myself.... it was awful!
I ended up going home... and staying up til like 5 in the morning watching movies... trying to distract myself. Then on Sunday I got totally confronted.
So with regards to facing my issues about men.... every weekend for the past 4 weeks, this guy that I slept with in the spring and again about a month and a half ago writes me cause he's in my town. By some amazing grace of God, every time he's here I'm in Toronto.
The first weekend that he wrote me and I was in Toronto I hadn't yet decided to make this move in my life... so the conversation was.. "damn, I'm sorry, I would love to but I'm in Toronto.... "
The next week when the same thing happened I decided not to tell him I was in toronto, but instead tell him what I would hope I would be able to say if I was in Guelph. So I said
"Hey sorry, I've decided no more casual sex anymore."
"What if it isn't casual?"
"Well, no more having sex with someone who doesn't care about me"
"What if I catered to you?"
"No dice, sorry, night."
The next week was similar, basically, "I told you that I'm not doing that anymore, I want something more meaningful in my life."
Then this past weekend it was 2 hours earlier this week lol... and I was polite, but still said"sorry, "I want to be in a relationship, that I want more." , and he asked what i he could be that person, and I said "well why do you only call me only on the weekends then"
"because that's the only time I'm in Guelph"
"Well like I said, I want more."
Everytime this happens I totally feel shitty, cause I know I'm killing any chance of sex in the future, and that scares me.
So Sunday rolled around and I got a text message from this guy that I was sleeping with in the summer. Mid summer he ended up telling me that he was going to stop sleeping with women, that he needed to take a break and reevaluate.... we ended up getting into an argument about something stupid about a week later and haven't talked since. About a month ago I ran into him on the street and told him that if he wanted to come over or hang out sometime.... He told me that he didn't think that would be a good idea, that he's still keeping to his promise, and that he knows what would happen if the two of us hung out.... so I said I understood, and that was his choice, but I would promise nothing would happen if he wanted to be friends.... really, my brain was totally thinking, "and well, if something did happen, it wouldn't be that big a deal!"
Anyways, so I ran into him on Saturday and ended up telling him about my choice, and that I'm changing things in my life....
The next day I get a text from him about coming over and hanging out. I told him that I was at work but maybe after? He then told me that he may go out later... and that he's thinking about breaking his rule tonight... I asked which one, he told me all of them, and then I asked if that's why he texted me. he said "that's not the main reason"
I was pretty pissed off, here was this guy who I had amazing sex with, totally enjoyed his company, and I had not 24 hours before told him that I was trying to fix myself and there he was sabotaging the whole thing! and here I was thinking that he wanted to just hang out cause he knew it would be finally safe!
Anyways, I ended up writing him that I made my rule and I can't break it til I'm in a relationship and that I didn't like that was was trying to sabotage me and that I didn't think it would be a good idea to hang out.
The whole rest of the evening I was soo frustrated, sad.... all these crazy emotions....
I just feel so overwhelmed by all of this, I want to just give up, and go back to my old way of being. I'm so fearful of having this addiction for the rest of my life..... I'm scared that I'm letting go of my family, and that I will eventually have to let go of some of my friends.... I feel sometimes totally overwhelmed and scared that I am making the wrong decision. The voice in my head starts controlling the show telling me that I don't know, that this is all a lie... my heart tells me different, but sometimes the unknown that is awaiting is pretty damn scary.
I'm very aware right now that my ego is in total defense mode, terrified that it is losing control over me, and thus doing everything it can to hold on, but I'm telling you, pretty damn confusing..... and its so easy to second guess yourself.
So that's what the past 4 days have been like, and then yesterday I decided to go swimming, and this morning I feel calm, well other than thinking about those feelings. I feel calm. I hope this lasts for more than a day!!!
I feel different.
Just more calm and grounded. My mind isn't racing today. Its not really analyzing anything....or thinking about anything in particular..... except for planning the day, and thinking about quitting smoking.
So this feeling comes after spending three days just miserable.
I've been totally confronted with a lot of things over the past 4 days.
First I went to my meditation course on Friday night and I was sooo frustrated, I couldn't see anything that my teacher was saying... I feel so lost. But I try. I atleast quiet my mind. lol. and don't spend the hour beeating myself up.
At the end of the session I told my teacher that I was really frustrated, and he said that it was totally ok, and that I am on the verge of a huge breakthrough.
That night my friend and I went home and had a good night chatting. Then I watched Shutter Island.... SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you haven't seen this movie... you really should!
At the end I started thinking about how we all create illusions in our lives to protect ourselves from the truth we don't want to see. At that moment it was just sooo clear to me how we convince ourselves of the role people play in our lives in order for us to stay where we are in life.... we are sheep, trying to stay safe by being part of the pack....
This concept has been terrifying me lately. Stepping out, and being different is rocking my world. Its the concept that everytime I get to this point in my growth, when I get confronted with that thought, I give up, I can't bear the thought of being thought of as crazy....
I've always thought it was because my mom was so "out there" to a lot of people and I felt how weird everyone thought she and I were, and I hated that... especially as a kid... as a result I know I've done a lot in my life to make sure that I put the camoflage on, so people think I'm normal...
lately I wonder if that fear is way deeper than just my mother and my childhood. I've been getting this feeling that I've had atleast one if not a few past lives where I was tortured, sent to an insane assylum, burned at the stake for what I believe and I am sooooo terrified of that happening again, deep in my core.
My unconscious doesn't trust the world with my truth.
On Friday night I had such clarity, I ended up writing my thoughts down. Let me preface this letter with this. I am realizing how much I want to be a Naturopathic Doctor, that I need someone to cosign my loan with me... and no one will. I feel overwhelmed with the idea that someone will risk everything for me... and If I fuck up they will be stuck with that debt. I have the potential to ruin their credit.... but more than that I am having a hard time asking anyone to believe in me THAT much. I am also getting some of the people I love most in my life warning me, telling me that they don't think this is a good idea... etc. So this is the letter that I wrote that night.. I won't send it out, but it articulates what I am going through.
***************************************
My biggest fear in the whole wide world is to really, trully be my authentic self and have everyone in my life reject me. I am terrified that this is going to sound absolutely crazy, and you are all going to want to put me into a mental institution. But for the first time in my life I am finally seeing everything for the illusion that it is, and I am terrified to death, that because we all live in the illusion, if I let the light in I am going to be persecuted, rejected, abandoned, tortured, thrown intoa n insane aylum.
I realize that people kill dreams. That's what we are all trained to do. Kill dreams. Even though we know people have their own self doubts we feel like it is our right to throw our own negative opiniopns.. we call them warnings, because we are looking out for the best interests of those around us... but we are not.... we didn't follow our drams, and we didn't get what we want so now we are certain it doesn't exist.. because if it did hten we would have to face the fact that we were too scared... that we were stopped spo much that we didn't get what we dreamed of as a kid.
When we are children, we know... we know deep in our core why we are here... and then countless people make you feel stupid, question your ability to make choices.. trauma happens, and when you constantly fail, because you are learning people don't see you as learning, no they assume that you will always fail, because they always failed... and then they convince you that your dreams are just that... dreams.. even though each one of us knows our true calling we see it in every thing we do..... in our most authentic self. When we are most happiest and life doesn't seem difficult anymore... that's your real dream, that's your real self... and in order to get it we have to realize that every one else is crazy..... now isn't that a mind trip.
I am finally realizing how much I want my dream. I talk to you like it's not that big a deal cause I'm scared of you breaking this one.... this one has been hidden since I was little, til I was strong enough to not listen to all the people around me that we trying to kill it..... I've kept it hidden, safe guarding it til I was ready, ready to face my biggest fear, that you were all going to abandon me because of it.
and here I am... faced with that fear. Tell you what I am thinking and really risk sounding completely obsurd
I'm sure you all see me as the person who tells everyone everything. But isn't in interesting that for the girl who tells everyone everything I keep this one hidden, I rarely mention it..... I'm not just keeping it from you, I'm keeping it from myself too, cause I have bought into everythinf people have been saying for years....
you're not worth my time, you won't be able to do it, you are risking too much, you aren't smart enough, what this is is crazy, it doesn't work, there are other things that you can do!
I will tell you right now, that I am giving up on those. I AM smart enough, I AM strong enough, I KNOW I can do this, this is my calling, and no one will stop me. No matter what, I will be a Naturopathic doctors, I will use all my gifts, all the pain I have endured and help people, help people to see their lives for what they trully are. We spend so much time hurting ourselves and buying into all the shit that everyone else gives us, its time to say go fuck yourself.
This is my dream.
This is my future.
and no one will be able to get in the way of that again.
I am worth having the life I want with everything, and I'm not going to let you convince me that I don't,, that I don't know what I want for myself. I KNOW. you DON'T.
I will go to school in Seattle next year. I will find the money, I will meet my twin flame, and I will be the most amazing mom. ALL because I SAID so.
you killed my dream once. NEVER again.
now for my request.
I need just ONE person who believes in my dream too. One person that believes that I am good enough, that I am smart enough. Someone that will risk everything for me. I need someone who believes that what I am doing is the right thing to do, and to cosign the loan for me to ensure that I can go to school. ANYONE, that will support my dream, and realize that its scary, but sometimes we just need one flame to help. One light. That's all I am asking for. ONE PERSON to believe in me the way I believe in myself.
***************************************************************8
So the next day I was in a totally different space. By the night I was feeling so overwhelmed. It was the first night I spent in Guelph since deciding to stop my behaviour with men.... every part of my body wanted to go to the bar after work, I was torturing myself.... it was awful!
I ended up going home... and staying up til like 5 in the morning watching movies... trying to distract myself. Then on Sunday I got totally confronted.
So with regards to facing my issues about men.... every weekend for the past 4 weeks, this guy that I slept with in the spring and again about a month and a half ago writes me cause he's in my town. By some amazing grace of God, every time he's here I'm in Toronto.
The first weekend that he wrote me and I was in Toronto I hadn't yet decided to make this move in my life... so the conversation was.. "damn, I'm sorry, I would love to but I'm in Toronto.... "
The next week when the same thing happened I decided not to tell him I was in toronto, but instead tell him what I would hope I would be able to say if I was in Guelph. So I said
"Hey sorry, I've decided no more casual sex anymore."
"What if it isn't casual?"
"Well, no more having sex with someone who doesn't care about me"
"What if I catered to you?"
"No dice, sorry, night."
The next week was similar, basically, "I told you that I'm not doing that anymore, I want something more meaningful in my life."
Then this past weekend it was 2 hours earlier this week lol... and I was polite, but still said"sorry, "I want to be in a relationship, that I want more." , and he asked what i he could be that person, and I said "well why do you only call me only on the weekends then"
"because that's the only time I'm in Guelph"
"Well like I said, I want more."
Everytime this happens I totally feel shitty, cause I know I'm killing any chance of sex in the future, and that scares me.
So Sunday rolled around and I got a text message from this guy that I was sleeping with in the summer. Mid summer he ended up telling me that he was going to stop sleeping with women, that he needed to take a break and reevaluate.... we ended up getting into an argument about something stupid about a week later and haven't talked since. About a month ago I ran into him on the street and told him that if he wanted to come over or hang out sometime.... He told me that he didn't think that would be a good idea, that he's still keeping to his promise, and that he knows what would happen if the two of us hung out.... so I said I understood, and that was his choice, but I would promise nothing would happen if he wanted to be friends.... really, my brain was totally thinking, "and well, if something did happen, it wouldn't be that big a deal!"
Anyways, so I ran into him on Saturday and ended up telling him about my choice, and that I'm changing things in my life....
The next day I get a text from him about coming over and hanging out. I told him that I was at work but maybe after? He then told me that he may go out later... and that he's thinking about breaking his rule tonight... I asked which one, he told me all of them, and then I asked if that's why he texted me. he said "that's not the main reason"
I was pretty pissed off, here was this guy who I had amazing sex with, totally enjoyed his company, and I had not 24 hours before told him that I was trying to fix myself and there he was sabotaging the whole thing! and here I was thinking that he wanted to just hang out cause he knew it would be finally safe!
Anyways, I ended up writing him that I made my rule and I can't break it til I'm in a relationship and that I didn't like that was was trying to sabotage me and that I didn't think it would be a good idea to hang out.
The whole rest of the evening I was soo frustrated, sad.... all these crazy emotions....
I just feel so overwhelmed by all of this, I want to just give up, and go back to my old way of being. I'm so fearful of having this addiction for the rest of my life..... I'm scared that I'm letting go of my family, and that I will eventually have to let go of some of my friends.... I feel sometimes totally overwhelmed and scared that I am making the wrong decision. The voice in my head starts controlling the show telling me that I don't know, that this is all a lie... my heart tells me different, but sometimes the unknown that is awaiting is pretty damn scary.
I'm very aware right now that my ego is in total defense mode, terrified that it is losing control over me, and thus doing everything it can to hold on, but I'm telling you, pretty damn confusing..... and its so easy to second guess yourself.
So that's what the past 4 days have been like, and then yesterday I decided to go swimming, and this morning I feel calm, well other than thinking about those feelings. I feel calm. I hope this lasts for more than a day!!!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Day 18
What I have learned in the past week.
That it isn't as difficult as you think it will be.
mid week I realized how addicted I am to suffering, that I was almost trying to feel more sad and frustrated than I actually was.
It's weird stepping into all of this. I remember feeling this way at 20, but I was so scared to forge ahead on my own, met the man that would end up being my partner for 3 years, and then man that I have suffered over ever since.... I was so scared to lose him, even though he wasn't supportive of what I was doing... that I gave it all up, I gave up the progress I had made cause it was safer. Now I am confronted with the same circumstances, and have to make the same choice... the special thing about this time is that I have friends around me that are supportive, and I actually see it now, so its easier to make a new step in the right direction.
I was talking to a girl at work today and the knowledge that was coming from me was exceptional. Sometimes, I just give this advice that I don't even know where it comes from, certainly not from experience... but there it is. It's knowledge inside, at my core.... it's just listening and trusting it that's the issue.
So some of the things that have come to me and I want to write down.
One thing that I realized a while ago, and don't think I realized how important it was in shaping the decision I have made to better my life over the past year was...
No matter what you teach your kids, unless you're living htat way they won't learn it, we really teach by example. Specifically I was thinking about going after your dreams... our parents, well most parents tell us when we are little that we can be anything we want to.... but if you have parents like I did... they really don't believe that.... they never fulfilled their dreams, and they sort of know there will be a time in your life where you realize that that is a false dream, but they let you believe that when you are a kid....
The funny thing is there are people all over the world that follow their dreams, and love what they do, maybe not EVERY day... but they would NEVER want to do anything but what they are doing. So its possible. So while I was thinking about this I realized that if I want to teach my kids that their dreams are possible, then I have ot believe that my own dreams are possible.. and how empowering is that???
I've also realized that i have never had a mentor or some one to look up to at any point in my life that is a good role model, I have no one that is successful, has a healthy, happy family, has money and is able to do what they want with their life.... whether that's good or bad is neither here nor there, but what's its resulted in is that I have these ideas of the kind of life that I want, but it feels more of a pipe dream because I've never seen it manifested in other people.
So realizing that I have been watching more of TED. com. These people are thinkers, innovators, entrepreneurs and all of them are passionate and love what they do. This week I've been starting to ask myself what makes them different.... and if you watch Ken Robinson's follow up to his talk about "how education kills creativity" he mentions how most TEDsters go against the grain.... they have followed an existence that doesn't fall under the normal way society views education. I started thinking that.. and asked myself what makes them different, and the answer I got back was that they really, truly believed in themselves. EVEN when NO ONE else did. They trusted themselves to succeed, and because of that they were able to take risks, sometimes they failed and sometimes they didn't but they forged ahead, and now they are successful at whatever they do. I think its what sets the successful from the NOT... its believing in yourself, without a shadow of a doubt.
That's something I am facing right now. I am planning on going off to school, and school is 25,000$ a year and I need to find someone that will cosign a loan with me. My biggest fear is that I will do all this schooling and then fail in the end and not become a doctor and leave someone else responsible for my debt. Its one thing to be personally responsible, its a whole other thing to leave someone else responsible. As a result I am totally stopped in applying for school... but thinking about these "TEDsters" I'm realizing that what I need to do is KNOW that I will be successful, and plan on being successful and take the steps to get there. Learn what it takes to be successful as though it were a course in school, talk to people, ask question, learn how to set up a good practice. It's really about believing in myself, and really accepting that this is a huge dream of mine... not just some random thought in my head.
I think with that comes being more successful at school, I think I get lost in the day to day school work and forget what I am looking forward to, I lose my inspiration and so I slack on my work and studying... that I need to retain my focus, remember my goal and put everything into it... even though what I am doing right this second isn't necessarily what i want... its to be what I want... to love my life. I think the more I incorporate that into my life, the easier things will be... like quitting smoking. For years I have said I am not ready... and now every day I wake up and say.. you are, you just don't trust yourself enough yet. That's what it all comes down to in the end. TRUST, and loving ourselves.
Its strange when you really start to look at how hard on yourself you are.... that you say the meanest things to yourself all the time, 24 hours a day, and when you start saying nice things to yourself... even if you don't believe them at first, it makes things easier, life doesn't seem so awful. If you are always coming from a place of self love, then life is WAY easier...., no matter what happens... life is easier.
Another thing that I am becoming more aware of is this concept that I have incorporated into my life, but realized I missed the clause. Its the concept of accepting people just as they are. Especially in relationships, I am very aware that people aren't going to change.. how people are, and their day to day existence isn't going to change.... you can never change someone.. and the things that you want them to learn, you can't teach them... as a result I tend to find myself compensating and beating myself up for not being more forgiving... when I'm in a relationship I tell myself when things are really bothering me that I should just accept the person for who they are.... the clause I missed...
accept them for who they are.... but you don't HAVE to have them in your life.
Its really interesting when you realize the people you have in your life that you don't really get along with, but you have them there anyways... I believe its cause we are all addicted to negative things, suffering.. and we don't see that we have an out. We believe that if we walk away we are saying we don't love them... and because we are ll so scared of someone walking away from us, we don't want to do the same for others.... but the reason people walk away from us is totally their shit... sometimes its cause you were a complete pain in the ass, and you need to realize that... and sometimes they are dealing with their own BS.... in the end though they are taking care of themselves, so why ot take care of yourself for once?
Its nice to purge the negative people in your life. Its important to move forward.
Be kinder to yourself. That's what I am doing. And that can manifest itself in many ways... my way is just to not beat myself up so much, when I catch myself doing it I say, its ok... you did what you could, you can't change it, just learn from it, next time do it differently and move on.
say I love you to yourself, every day, even if you don't believe it... it makes getting through the day just that much easier, and after a while its not so uncomfortable... and hopefully one day you believe it!!!
ok, gotta go study physics!
That it isn't as difficult as you think it will be.
mid week I realized how addicted I am to suffering, that I was almost trying to feel more sad and frustrated than I actually was.
It's weird stepping into all of this. I remember feeling this way at 20, but I was so scared to forge ahead on my own, met the man that would end up being my partner for 3 years, and then man that I have suffered over ever since.... I was so scared to lose him, even though he wasn't supportive of what I was doing... that I gave it all up, I gave up the progress I had made cause it was safer. Now I am confronted with the same circumstances, and have to make the same choice... the special thing about this time is that I have friends around me that are supportive, and I actually see it now, so its easier to make a new step in the right direction.
I was talking to a girl at work today and the knowledge that was coming from me was exceptional. Sometimes, I just give this advice that I don't even know where it comes from, certainly not from experience... but there it is. It's knowledge inside, at my core.... it's just listening and trusting it that's the issue.
So some of the things that have come to me and I want to write down.
One thing that I realized a while ago, and don't think I realized how important it was in shaping the decision I have made to better my life over the past year was...
No matter what you teach your kids, unless you're living htat way they won't learn it, we really teach by example. Specifically I was thinking about going after your dreams... our parents, well most parents tell us when we are little that we can be anything we want to.... but if you have parents like I did... they really don't believe that.... they never fulfilled their dreams, and they sort of know there will be a time in your life where you realize that that is a false dream, but they let you believe that when you are a kid....
The funny thing is there are people all over the world that follow their dreams, and love what they do, maybe not EVERY day... but they would NEVER want to do anything but what they are doing. So its possible. So while I was thinking about this I realized that if I want to teach my kids that their dreams are possible, then I have ot believe that my own dreams are possible.. and how empowering is that???
I've also realized that i have never had a mentor or some one to look up to at any point in my life that is a good role model, I have no one that is successful, has a healthy, happy family, has money and is able to do what they want with their life.... whether that's good or bad is neither here nor there, but what's its resulted in is that I have these ideas of the kind of life that I want, but it feels more of a pipe dream because I've never seen it manifested in other people.
So realizing that I have been watching more of TED. com. These people are thinkers, innovators, entrepreneurs and all of them are passionate and love what they do. This week I've been starting to ask myself what makes them different.... and if you watch Ken Robinson's follow up to his talk about "how education kills creativity" he mentions how most TEDsters go against the grain.... they have followed an existence that doesn't fall under the normal way society views education. I started thinking that.. and asked myself what makes them different, and the answer I got back was that they really, truly believed in themselves. EVEN when NO ONE else did. They trusted themselves to succeed, and because of that they were able to take risks, sometimes they failed and sometimes they didn't but they forged ahead, and now they are successful at whatever they do. I think its what sets the successful from the NOT... its believing in yourself, without a shadow of a doubt.
That's something I am facing right now. I am planning on going off to school, and school is 25,000$ a year and I need to find someone that will cosign a loan with me. My biggest fear is that I will do all this schooling and then fail in the end and not become a doctor and leave someone else responsible for my debt. Its one thing to be personally responsible, its a whole other thing to leave someone else responsible. As a result I am totally stopped in applying for school... but thinking about these "TEDsters" I'm realizing that what I need to do is KNOW that I will be successful, and plan on being successful and take the steps to get there. Learn what it takes to be successful as though it were a course in school, talk to people, ask question, learn how to set up a good practice. It's really about believing in myself, and really accepting that this is a huge dream of mine... not just some random thought in my head.
I think with that comes being more successful at school, I think I get lost in the day to day school work and forget what I am looking forward to, I lose my inspiration and so I slack on my work and studying... that I need to retain my focus, remember my goal and put everything into it... even though what I am doing right this second isn't necessarily what i want... its to be what I want... to love my life. I think the more I incorporate that into my life, the easier things will be... like quitting smoking. For years I have said I am not ready... and now every day I wake up and say.. you are, you just don't trust yourself enough yet. That's what it all comes down to in the end. TRUST, and loving ourselves.
Its strange when you really start to look at how hard on yourself you are.... that you say the meanest things to yourself all the time, 24 hours a day, and when you start saying nice things to yourself... even if you don't believe them at first, it makes things easier, life doesn't seem so awful. If you are always coming from a place of self love, then life is WAY easier...., no matter what happens... life is easier.
Another thing that I am becoming more aware of is this concept that I have incorporated into my life, but realized I missed the clause. Its the concept of accepting people just as they are. Especially in relationships, I am very aware that people aren't going to change.. how people are, and their day to day existence isn't going to change.... you can never change someone.. and the things that you want them to learn, you can't teach them... as a result I tend to find myself compensating and beating myself up for not being more forgiving... when I'm in a relationship I tell myself when things are really bothering me that I should just accept the person for who they are.... the clause I missed...
accept them for who they are.... but you don't HAVE to have them in your life.
Its really interesting when you realize the people you have in your life that you don't really get along with, but you have them there anyways... I believe its cause we are all addicted to negative things, suffering.. and we don't see that we have an out. We believe that if we walk away we are saying we don't love them... and because we are ll so scared of someone walking away from us, we don't want to do the same for others.... but the reason people walk away from us is totally their shit... sometimes its cause you were a complete pain in the ass, and you need to realize that... and sometimes they are dealing with their own BS.... in the end though they are taking care of themselves, so why ot take care of yourself for once?
Its nice to purge the negative people in your life. Its important to move forward.
Be kinder to yourself. That's what I am doing. And that can manifest itself in many ways... my way is just to not beat myself up so much, when I catch myself doing it I say, its ok... you did what you could, you can't change it, just learn from it, next time do it differently and move on.
say I love you to yourself, every day, even if you don't believe it... it makes getting through the day just that much easier, and after a while its not so uncomfortable... and hopefully one day you believe it!!!
ok, gotta go study physics!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Day 10/morning of day 11
So I spent the day studying for midterms tomorrow... I finally went to bed at about 3:30, and laying here I was overcome with sadness.
I started thinking about how my aunt had invited me to her house for christmas this year and I totally brushed her off. Its been bothering me ever since... and as I was laying here I started to think about Christmas, and asked myself why I don't want to go to her house... and I realize that it scares me.
I have always spent Christmases with people that are busy, or don't celebrate, or on the other side of the world. Because spending it quiet would have me accept that my mother is dead, and that my step father doesn't want me around and well, that's just too much on a day where you are supposed to be happy, and share that with the people you love.
I realized that spending the day with my aunt and uncle would be quiet, and knowing how I can be sometimes... I can see me not even getting out of bed.... being mopey and withdrawn, so not to bother them... if I'm with friends, or a family with kids, I don't have the time to really feel that sadness...
As I was thinking about it... I started to cry.... and my thoughts started rolling into themselves, and I realized how utterly angry at my mother I am. By not writing me in the will she basically made me question her love for me... and evidently other people's faith in that too... so much so that my step father believes it so strongly that we've been fighting for years.
In my heart I know that its not true, and that she did love me.... but actions speak louder than words... and her actions paint a very different picture. She wrote everyone else in our immediate family, but me... she made provisions for my step father, for him and his children, for their children... but not for me.... and I'm desperately hurt by that...
It's weird growing up with a mother that dotes on you so much that you have to tell her to leave you alone as a teenager.. and then have her do something so out of character....
I am thinking now that there was part of me that bought that she didn't love me... that I wasn't worth loving... and if my mother didn't love me... then really? who would ever love me... and that it occured to me that I have been punishing myself ever since... hoping desperately that someone would love me and make all the pain go away.
Starting to love myself... I realize that it was bullshit that was sold to me and I bought into it... and I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to forgive her for that... and forgive myself for that matter.... punishing myself for not being good enough... and trying desperately to prove that I am worth loving.... how tangled it all is.....
I'm not ready to forgive her for that... and how sad it makes me that we can't talk about it.
I started thinking about how my aunt had invited me to her house for christmas this year and I totally brushed her off. Its been bothering me ever since... and as I was laying here I started to think about Christmas, and asked myself why I don't want to go to her house... and I realize that it scares me.
I have always spent Christmases with people that are busy, or don't celebrate, or on the other side of the world. Because spending it quiet would have me accept that my mother is dead, and that my step father doesn't want me around and well, that's just too much on a day where you are supposed to be happy, and share that with the people you love.
I realized that spending the day with my aunt and uncle would be quiet, and knowing how I can be sometimes... I can see me not even getting out of bed.... being mopey and withdrawn, so not to bother them... if I'm with friends, or a family with kids, I don't have the time to really feel that sadness...
As I was thinking about it... I started to cry.... and my thoughts started rolling into themselves, and I realized how utterly angry at my mother I am. By not writing me in the will she basically made me question her love for me... and evidently other people's faith in that too... so much so that my step father believes it so strongly that we've been fighting for years.
In my heart I know that its not true, and that she did love me.... but actions speak louder than words... and her actions paint a very different picture. She wrote everyone else in our immediate family, but me... she made provisions for my step father, for him and his children, for their children... but not for me.... and I'm desperately hurt by that...
It's weird growing up with a mother that dotes on you so much that you have to tell her to leave you alone as a teenager.. and then have her do something so out of character....
I am thinking now that there was part of me that bought that she didn't love me... that I wasn't worth loving... and if my mother didn't love me... then really? who would ever love me... and that it occured to me that I have been punishing myself ever since... hoping desperately that someone would love me and make all the pain go away.
Starting to love myself... I realize that it was bullshit that was sold to me and I bought into it... and I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to forgive her for that... and forgive myself for that matter.... punishing myself for not being good enough... and trying desperately to prove that I am worth loving.... how tangled it all is.....
I'm not ready to forgive her for that... and how sad it makes me that we can't talk about it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
day 9
Today was much better. I woke up depressed, and lay in bed for a while, procrastinating... and then my best friend called, and I told her that I was in bed... we hadn't talked since Friday when everything with my family went down. We talked briefly... and basically t one point she just said.. you need to just get out of bed and put this behind you.... so I did...
I'm realizing in order to not let this allow me to continue to play the victim I need to just let it be... and not dwell on it, although my ego is wanting me to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self pity....
I'm also aware that I am still seeking approval of people because I am telling them about what I'm going through... needing reassurance... I'm not sure exactly where needing that or not needing that lays in the whole scheme of things... but I think that when I get to a point where I have accepted that I can make the right choices for me, I won't need to share, and get people approving of the choices I have made.
a weird thing that happened to me today was a guy I know and had fooled around with... who hadn't really been all that great to me wrote me today and appologized for being a douche... we texted back and forth a couple of times.. and that was it...
its all trial and error and observing where in my life I behave a certain way, and trying to change that behaviour.
we'll see.
I'm realizing in order to not let this allow me to continue to play the victim I need to just let it be... and not dwell on it, although my ego is wanting me to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self pity....
I'm also aware that I am still seeking approval of people because I am telling them about what I'm going through... needing reassurance... I'm not sure exactly where needing that or not needing that lays in the whole scheme of things... but I think that when I get to a point where I have accepted that I can make the right choices for me, I won't need to share, and get people approving of the choices I have made.
a weird thing that happened to me today was a guy I know and had fooled around with... who hadn't really been all that great to me wrote me today and appologized for being a douche... we texted back and forth a couple of times.. and that was it...
its all trial and error and observing where in my life I behave a certain way, and trying to change that behaviour.
we'll see.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Day 8
I had a conversation with my brother today. And... by the end of the conversation I was completely second guessing myself... do I really want to let this relationship go? maybe I haven't done enough! maybe its all my fault... maybe if I just hold on a little longer I will prove to them that I am worth it... they will see how great I am, and love me.... I got off the phone questioning how to take care of myself...
and my friend just said ... "how long are you going to fight for their approval"
"you have done everything you can.... you can't do anymore."
"you deserve so much more than this.... "
"people who love you don't make you feel like shit and then don't appologize for it."
"the hardest thing that you are going to face, is watching their reaction to what you do.... when you stop making an effort, watch what happens... see if they chase you down, ask you for your forgiveness... or do they just let you go without a fight.... then you'll know.... and if you see that they don't put up a fight.... it will be so hard... but then you can move on... and let go... and know you didn't fight for them to continue to reject you."
"how dare they make you feel like you have to work for their love, that you had no choice in being part of their family... and they treat you like you need to earn their love.... and yet they have not done anything to earn YOUR love.... to deserve you.... its just circumstantial... you don't owe them anything."
"your mother did the only thing she knew how... and her fault was to trust them with taking care of her only daughter.... you are her only child and she loved you.... how upset she would be to see the struggle you have faced all this time, how angry she would be that she trusted this man and he didn't take care of you"
fuck him. let it go... you have people that love you, that want you, and you don't have to prove anything....
Thank you... for making it no longer a fight in my own head, for me trying to convince myself that I deserve better, thank-you for telling me I do, and for showing me that I do....
this is so freaking hard.
and my friend just said ... "how long are you going to fight for their approval"
"you have done everything you can.... you can't do anymore."
"you deserve so much more than this.... "
"people who love you don't make you feel like shit and then don't appologize for it."
"the hardest thing that you are going to face, is watching their reaction to what you do.... when you stop making an effort, watch what happens... see if they chase you down, ask you for your forgiveness... or do they just let you go without a fight.... then you'll know.... and if you see that they don't put up a fight.... it will be so hard... but then you can move on... and let go... and know you didn't fight for them to continue to reject you."
"how dare they make you feel like you have to work for their love, that you had no choice in being part of their family... and they treat you like you need to earn their love.... and yet they have not done anything to earn YOUR love.... to deserve you.... its just circumstantial... you don't owe them anything."
"your mother did the only thing she knew how... and her fault was to trust them with taking care of her only daughter.... you are her only child and she loved you.... how upset she would be to see the struggle you have faced all this time, how angry she would be that she trusted this man and he didn't take care of you"
fuck him. let it go... you have people that love you, that want you, and you don't have to prove anything....
Thank you... for making it no longer a fight in my own head, for me trying to convince myself that I deserve better, thank-you for telling me I do, and for showing me that I do....
this is so freaking hard.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Day 5, 6 and 7... what next?
So, the past 3 days have proven to be the most difficult by far.... I told the universe that I wasn't going to let people treat me like crap anymore... and it slapped me in the face and said "oh really?, we'll see" and then thew the most impossible choice in front of me.
So on Thursday I decided to start a meditation course with a friend of mine, Friday nights for 5 weeks. So on Friday evening waiting for the bus my other friend calls we'll call her L. She calls and we talk about thanksgiving (which is this weekend by the way) So.... she asks if I'm going home, and I say, naw, you know I never go home... haven't been home on a holiday in 5 years. thanksgiving not since the year we buried my mother.... i don't feel very wanted there.
So she asked if I thought that was mostly me, or them? And I said, "well I think that its a lot of them, but that it is definitely me holding on to things from years past.... that my step father had told me probably 3 or 4 years prior when I asked if I could come home, he said "I don't think that's a good idea.".. he had told me on that occasion, that because his daughter and I don't get along, then he didn't think it would be a good idea.
I remember being so hurt that day... her and my mother never got along, but in all the years we lived at that farm, it was never even suggested that she wouldn't be invited home for a holiday. And then they all moved into the house, her, her husband, her mother and their 2 kids.... and I am not wanted. I was sooo hurt that day and I have never even asked since.
So in that moment on the phone with L I thought.. you know what maybe it is all in my head, maybe I've just convinced myself that I'm unwanted.... so I started scheming, figuring out how to get home this weekend. My other friend is out of the country so I had access to a car... and I worked on Saturday night, but not Sunday... or Monday. And... well I could drive up there on Saturday night!
On the bus I got super excited.... I haven't seen my step brother in so long, and he's been going through a really rough patch, and I don't know when I'll be able to see him again, so I was so freaking excited about seeing him, my step father.... and my niece and nephew. My step sister, her husband and mother, I didn't really care about, but I knew I could put our differences aside.
So as soon as I got off the bus I called Chris, my brother, and asked what he thought about me driving home for thanksgiving. He said, that he would love to see me! I told him that I was scared that they didn't want me... and he said, "well I can't make that call, that's dad's call, so just call them and ask, or just say you are coming."
I got off the phone and called home.... Frank, my step father got on the phone.
We said a couple lines of basic, how are you, how are things... etc.
and then I asked if I could come home for thanksgiving. and he said.... well A. there's no where to sleep here. and I said, I don't care, I'll sleep on the couch.. or the floor.
"well... pause... um.... pause.... i don't think it's a good idea."
my heart sank, like being tossed into an ocean with no life jacket, my heart just dropped into my chest, and started to cry. I said.. "yup exactly what I thought you would say., Can I talk to Laurie. "
"ok! he said.. with severe apprehension in his voice"
So my step sister Laurie got on the phone.. I figured, for all these years I have always just let Frank do her fucking dirty work, and this time I was going to ask her, and have her actually say to my face that I wasn't allowed to come up on Thanksgiving!" I'll be honest... never thought that she would do that, she plays the I'm-so-perfect card so well, I thought there would be no way she'd actually tell me that I wasn't invited.... boy was I wrong.
She got on the phone and I point blatantly asked if I could come home for Thanksgiving.... she made a slight awkward giggle and said "way to put me on the spot!" I said, well I just thought I would ask, Chris is coming home, and I haven't been home in years, and I just wanted to know if I could come home.... and I know you make the decisions.... "
"well, I'd be never one to say to anyone that they didn't have a home and a healthy meal to come home to on thanksgiving... but.... you've done some number on my little family here!" (she was referring especially to an incident that had happened a few months prior where her husband wrote something on facebook that insulted my step father.... and I called him on it... and he told me to fuck myself. I called my brother cause I was so upset, who then wrote him and told him off, then called the house and told my step father and step sister what happened, what happened next, was apparently that they blamed me.... and he stood up for me and told them that this wasn't my fault.)
I said to her "I know we never talked about this, but the thing that happened with Scott was not my fault, he said something about Frank, and stood up for him, and your husband told me to fuck myself. .. I didn't call and talk to you about it cause I didn't want to stir the pot.... I called Chris cause I was upset....
her"well you and chris deleted Scott from facebook, and Chris and scott are just becoming friendly again.. do you think Scott will ever forgive Chris for that?"
while this conversation is going on the dialogue that is going on in my head is a million miles a second, I want to tell her she's a fucking moron, as if Chris would ever want to be friends with your husband he's an asshole, the only reason he's even nice to him is cause you live in the house with his father and he wants to still see his father... but no I don't say any of that, I start apologizing cause I want to come home sooo badly.
she proceeds to tell me that she has bent over backwards to make me feel welcome in that family, and that I have done everything I can to not feel welcome, referring to the last Christmas I came home and didn't even want my presents cause I left them all there... that I came and then left.... I said, that was 5 years ago! I was a kid, now I'm an adult....I'm thinking are you fucking kidding me, my mother had died, and I had broken up with my boyfriend... and i was fucked you fucking bitch!
anyways, there I was saying, yes I played a role in it, but I'm sorry, and that the last time I came home before Korea that she had said to me that it was a pleasure having me home and that I could come home anytime... how quickly we forget what we have said when we want to make someone feel like crap..
I told her that I knew we never have had a great relationship since I was little, but I respect that Scott is her husband, even though he hates me, and hated my mother... I just thought that you not wanting me home was in my head....
that this is my biggest fear... she proceeded to get angry and saying things like, way to guilt trip me... on thanksgiving... that if I want to fix this, call from time to time... come up for a weekend and we can talk about it... RIGHT.... like you have done absolutely anything in my life to make me want you in my life.... and call you?? are you kidding me, you have never fucking called me in my entire life. My mother died... and you never fucking called me!
Sometime when things weren't happening... I could try and fix this... and then got off the phone.
my step father got on the phone and said "I told you I thought it wasn't a good idea."
At this point I was almost hyperventilating I was so upset.... and I responded... "ya I'm sorry, I just thought we've been talking every week for months, and I stood up for you.. and thought that maybe, just maybe you would be able to stand up for me to her... " to which he responded, "now you are guilt tripping me... " to which I responded.. "I'm done. Good-bye...."
After getting off the phone and having experienced this total excitement at the prospect of actually going home, and then having them tell me that I am unwanted I broke down, and started sobbing standing on the street in downtown Toronto. I didn't care what people thought about me, I was just sooo upset.
I called my best friend.... and my step brother...
when I told Christopher his response was "they did what?" "no they didn't say that to you..." "are you kidding me?" "well you'll always have me....my heart is bleeding for you right now.... I'm so sorry."
I have spent 3 days in a state of shock.. so much is going through my mind... I am trying to purge the shit in my life.... but to realize that part of that are people you have thought were family.. is unbelievably difficult.
For the first time in my life I finally feel like I am not crazy... that every time I thought I was overreacting, and convincing myself that they didn't want me.... I was actually right.... realizing that and not playing the poor me, victim role is sooo difficult.
I ended up going to a meditation workshop o Friday night which was very helpful.. and then after my friend and I went to dinner... I felt ok... and I know that I can get through this... its just so freaking hard.
I ended up telling her the entire story of Laurie treating my mother like crap... of the guilt trips and the power struggle that existed over the years... of how her husband is a complete waste of space, and treated my mother like fucking crap.. then the hatred really started when I was 14 and one of Scott's friends who was 15 years older, had befriended me, and my mother didn't approve, so when I wanted to hang out with him.... she asked Scott to chaperon.... he dumped the duty on his sister and accused my mother of not trusting him.... looking back on it, she had every right to be worried, it was a fucked up relationship.. he was incredibly creepy.. and at 17 when he called after a couple years of not talking, I told him that I didn't think we should ever talk again.... It was sick that this man wanted to be my friend at 14, and my mother had every right to be worried, but no Scott had to turn it around and convince my mother she was the crazy one... and my poor mother with no self esteem..... believed him.
She never stood up for herself, and frank, her husband never stood up for her either.
I told my friend about how after my mother had died that despite the fact that my mother had invited them all to our family functions every year, and they had always an excuse, the year she died they came to our family reunion, to our Christmas dinner.... and how mad it made me.... that all my mother ever wanted was for their kids to call her Grandma, and how they had refused to allow their kids to do that, and the day she died, the day my mother died, those kids were saying grandma Dana...
I told her about how when I was in the relationship with C. and I knew things were ending, I had asked to come home when I was done school and had been told that my step father had lived on his own for 2 years and didn't think it was a good idea to live with someone else....
I told her about how my mother hadn't written me in the will, but had written Laurie and her children.... and because of that I spent 4 years fighting for a portion of the money that would pay for my school..... that I'm sure my mother just assumed that I would be taken care of, but her trust in them totally backfired...
I told her about the day I read the will, to realize this and then was told that Laurie, her husband, her two kids and her mother were moving back into the house....
too much for one little mind to digest.
I told her about calling home one night because it had gotten to the point at home where I knew C. was cheating on me... and it was awful... and I asked if I could come home, and my step father had said "I don't want you being here for 6 months, so you can come home for a week, pack everything up... "
That the week I broke up with C. I had come home and spent the week packing up all mine and my mother's belongings... and putting them in the barn.
Her response was "you never had a chance... you never had a chance with them... you and your mother never had a chance... she made sure that you always knew that he would never love you as much as he loved her.... and she has power over you because she got everything she ever wanted...and she's the one that got to keep her parent, and you didn't"
yup.. and I have given her that power because I am so freaking jealous that she's a total bitch and got everything she ever wanted.
where's the karma in that????
I am sooo jealous she got to keep her parent.
my friend said.... knowing all the shit you've been through, I would have lost my mind too.. no wonder you are so fucked up over men! These people do not treat you like family... they are not family, they are not blood, and you need to let them go out of your life.... they do not treat you properly... let them win... they just want you around cause they can abuse you. They have power over you and you let them.
FUCK!
I want so badly for this to be a figment of my imagination. I want so badly to have a functioning family, where I have parents and siblings who love me....
accepting this is really difficult.. I find myself, saying, "no, they didn't really mean that!" I don't want to let them go.... I don't want to admit that I don't have parents.... and no home to go home to.... I don't want to admit that to myself at all.
but I have to.. I have to say... you were sold a total load of bullshit and you bought into it... they convinced you you would never be good enough, that you weren't ever good enough..and you believed them, and its NOT TRUE! that you have a family, and a home to go to.... its just your friend's house... and not the house you grew up in....
That he wasn't a good father and wasn't a good husband, he never stood up for your mother, and your poor mother didn't know any better.... cause she didn't think she deserved any better...
and this time things are going to change... you will never let that happen to you, and you will not teach your children that they don't deserve the very best, because you will love yourself and show them that that's all that matters....
have compassion for them, because how little they must love themselves if they have to prove their power by treating you like crap... someone who just loves and wants their acceptance....
That you deserve people in your life that adore you....
I'm trying to tell myself that this time is different because you don't have to feel sorry for yourself, feel liberated that you can see it all for what it really is.. a total sham... that you are so loved, and adored and wanted, and just cause they don't treat you like that, or feel that way doesn't challenge the validity of your love.
You have to let them go.... you have to stop seeking approval from them..... you HAVE TO STOP.
So...... through all this, I have wanted nothing more than to go get drunk, and find a man who wants to sleep with me... I just don't want to feel this rejection, I want to sleep with a man that proves to me that I am wanted.. even if it is for just one night....
This man that I have slept with a couple of times wrote me on Friday night at 2:30 in the morning... ironically the last time he wrote I was in Toronto too.... and thank-god I was this time, cause I feel like my world just got put into a blender and I am so freaking vulnerable, I wouldn't have been able to say no....
but I am sooo committed to this change in my life.... so committed, that I didn't tell him that I was in Toronto.... I simply wrote "sorry I've decided no more casual sex." he wrote " what if it wasn't casual" and I wrote "no more sex with anyone I'm not dating, that doesn't care about me" he wrote... "well what if I cater to you?" and I wrote "sorry no dice. night"
I can't even tell you how difficult that was. by saying that I have eliminated all the other times he may want to write me...
How I've always dealt with rejection, pain, sadness, loneliness is to get drunk and find a guy... that's the only way I know how to make the pain subside.... and here I am, at this point in my life where I am purging people that I absolutely have loved... and called family for years... and I'm not going to have sex to rid the sadness....
So yesterday the heaviness and the sorrow from this whole thing crept in and I was supposed to go to Oktoberfest with my cousin, and I realized that I was thinking about the men I'd see, and fantasizing about picking up, and realized I am sick.
I have this parasite in my thought process that has convinced me that that's all I can get, and that I don't deserve any better... and that I believe it.... that I can't go, I have to protect myself.... so I decided to come back to Toronto and be with a good friend so that I don't do anything stupid.... I need to protect myself from myself...so I did...
So its Sunday morning... and I am struggling this morning. I am sad.. I'm so sad.
I'm sad for the little girl inside me that never got the love she deserved... I am sad that I couldn't have known any better... I am sad to admit that I will never go back to the farm. That I will never have a father. I am sad to admit to myself that I really am an orphan.... and adult orphan, but nonetheless. I'm grieving this... and all the years I have wasted trying to get them to love me.
and yet.. I am so hopeful. I am hopeful because I am only 28, and I am seeing the truth, I am seeing that it all comes from self love... and I see the endless possibilities if I get to a point where I truly, madly, deeply love myself.... and how unbelievably that will manifest itself in my life... I am excited at creating this love around me, and eliminating the people that bring me down... I am excited about being able to not only tell, and teach, but show my children the difference between someone who loves themselves and someone who doesn't. I'm excited about being a Naturopathic doctor and actually being able to show people how to really love themselves... cause I know what its like to be put through the ringer......
Today... what am I thankful for today??
I am so thankful that I have the strength and the disposition to have never given up.. to finally be able to see the illusion for what it is, and for starting to accept love into my life.
I am so thankful that I am learning all this stuff in my 20s.
I am so thankful to have the friends and family I have.
I am so thankful for the beauty that surrounds us all in the changing leaves, the sun shining down, in rainbows, and thunderstorms.... the sound of walking through fallen leaves, and the smell of fall.
I am thankful for myself. I am so thankful that I am who I am, and not stuck on the roller coaster ride for another millenia.
I love myself.
today I love myself.
and I forgive those that don't know any better.... I forgive myself for not knowing any better.
week 2? can it get any harder? lol.
So on Thursday I decided to start a meditation course with a friend of mine, Friday nights for 5 weeks. So on Friday evening waiting for the bus my other friend calls we'll call her L. She calls and we talk about thanksgiving (which is this weekend by the way) So.... she asks if I'm going home, and I say, naw, you know I never go home... haven't been home on a holiday in 5 years. thanksgiving not since the year we buried my mother.... i don't feel very wanted there.
So she asked if I thought that was mostly me, or them? And I said, "well I think that its a lot of them, but that it is definitely me holding on to things from years past.... that my step father had told me probably 3 or 4 years prior when I asked if I could come home, he said "I don't think that's a good idea.".. he had told me on that occasion, that because his daughter and I don't get along, then he didn't think it would be a good idea.
I remember being so hurt that day... her and my mother never got along, but in all the years we lived at that farm, it was never even suggested that she wouldn't be invited home for a holiday. And then they all moved into the house, her, her husband, her mother and their 2 kids.... and I am not wanted. I was sooo hurt that day and I have never even asked since.
So in that moment on the phone with L I thought.. you know what maybe it is all in my head, maybe I've just convinced myself that I'm unwanted.... so I started scheming, figuring out how to get home this weekend. My other friend is out of the country so I had access to a car... and I worked on Saturday night, but not Sunday... or Monday. And... well I could drive up there on Saturday night!
On the bus I got super excited.... I haven't seen my step brother in so long, and he's been going through a really rough patch, and I don't know when I'll be able to see him again, so I was so freaking excited about seeing him, my step father.... and my niece and nephew. My step sister, her husband and mother, I didn't really care about, but I knew I could put our differences aside.
So as soon as I got off the bus I called Chris, my brother, and asked what he thought about me driving home for thanksgiving. He said, that he would love to see me! I told him that I was scared that they didn't want me... and he said, "well I can't make that call, that's dad's call, so just call them and ask, or just say you are coming."
I got off the phone and called home.... Frank, my step father got on the phone.
We said a couple lines of basic, how are you, how are things... etc.
and then I asked if I could come home for thanksgiving. and he said.... well A. there's no where to sleep here. and I said, I don't care, I'll sleep on the couch.. or the floor.
"well... pause... um.... pause.... i don't think it's a good idea."
my heart sank, like being tossed into an ocean with no life jacket, my heart just dropped into my chest, and started to cry. I said.. "yup exactly what I thought you would say., Can I talk to Laurie. "
"ok! he said.. with severe apprehension in his voice"
So my step sister Laurie got on the phone.. I figured, for all these years I have always just let Frank do her fucking dirty work, and this time I was going to ask her, and have her actually say to my face that I wasn't allowed to come up on Thanksgiving!" I'll be honest... never thought that she would do that, she plays the I'm-so-perfect card so well, I thought there would be no way she'd actually tell me that I wasn't invited.... boy was I wrong.
She got on the phone and I point blatantly asked if I could come home for Thanksgiving.... she made a slight awkward giggle and said "way to put me on the spot!" I said, well I just thought I would ask, Chris is coming home, and I haven't been home in years, and I just wanted to know if I could come home.... and I know you make the decisions.... "
"well, I'd be never one to say to anyone that they didn't have a home and a healthy meal to come home to on thanksgiving... but.... you've done some number on my little family here!" (she was referring especially to an incident that had happened a few months prior where her husband wrote something on facebook that insulted my step father.... and I called him on it... and he told me to fuck myself. I called my brother cause I was so upset, who then wrote him and told him off, then called the house and told my step father and step sister what happened, what happened next, was apparently that they blamed me.... and he stood up for me and told them that this wasn't my fault.)
I said to her "I know we never talked about this, but the thing that happened with Scott was not my fault, he said something about Frank, and stood up for him, and your husband told me to fuck myself. .. I didn't call and talk to you about it cause I didn't want to stir the pot.... I called Chris cause I was upset....
her"well you and chris deleted Scott from facebook, and Chris and scott are just becoming friendly again.. do you think Scott will ever forgive Chris for that?"
while this conversation is going on the dialogue that is going on in my head is a million miles a second, I want to tell her she's a fucking moron, as if Chris would ever want to be friends with your husband he's an asshole, the only reason he's even nice to him is cause you live in the house with his father and he wants to still see his father... but no I don't say any of that, I start apologizing cause I want to come home sooo badly.
she proceeds to tell me that she has bent over backwards to make me feel welcome in that family, and that I have done everything I can to not feel welcome, referring to the last Christmas I came home and didn't even want my presents cause I left them all there... that I came and then left.... I said, that was 5 years ago! I was a kid, now I'm an adult....I'm thinking are you fucking kidding me, my mother had died, and I had broken up with my boyfriend... and i was fucked you fucking bitch!
anyways, there I was saying, yes I played a role in it, but I'm sorry, and that the last time I came home before Korea that she had said to me that it was a pleasure having me home and that I could come home anytime... how quickly we forget what we have said when we want to make someone feel like crap..
I told her that I knew we never have had a great relationship since I was little, but I respect that Scott is her husband, even though he hates me, and hated my mother... I just thought that you not wanting me home was in my head....
that this is my biggest fear... she proceeded to get angry and saying things like, way to guilt trip me... on thanksgiving... that if I want to fix this, call from time to time... come up for a weekend and we can talk about it... RIGHT.... like you have done absolutely anything in my life to make me want you in my life.... and call you?? are you kidding me, you have never fucking called me in my entire life. My mother died... and you never fucking called me!
Sometime when things weren't happening... I could try and fix this... and then got off the phone.
my step father got on the phone and said "I told you I thought it wasn't a good idea."
At this point I was almost hyperventilating I was so upset.... and I responded... "ya I'm sorry, I just thought we've been talking every week for months, and I stood up for you.. and thought that maybe, just maybe you would be able to stand up for me to her... " to which he responded, "now you are guilt tripping me... " to which I responded.. "I'm done. Good-bye...."
After getting off the phone and having experienced this total excitement at the prospect of actually going home, and then having them tell me that I am unwanted I broke down, and started sobbing standing on the street in downtown Toronto. I didn't care what people thought about me, I was just sooo upset.
I called my best friend.... and my step brother...
when I told Christopher his response was "they did what?" "no they didn't say that to you..." "are you kidding me?" "well you'll always have me....my heart is bleeding for you right now.... I'm so sorry."
I have spent 3 days in a state of shock.. so much is going through my mind... I am trying to purge the shit in my life.... but to realize that part of that are people you have thought were family.. is unbelievably difficult.
For the first time in my life I finally feel like I am not crazy... that every time I thought I was overreacting, and convincing myself that they didn't want me.... I was actually right.... realizing that and not playing the poor me, victim role is sooo difficult.
I ended up going to a meditation workshop o Friday night which was very helpful.. and then after my friend and I went to dinner... I felt ok... and I know that I can get through this... its just so freaking hard.
I ended up telling her the entire story of Laurie treating my mother like crap... of the guilt trips and the power struggle that existed over the years... of how her husband is a complete waste of space, and treated my mother like fucking crap.. then the hatred really started when I was 14 and one of Scott's friends who was 15 years older, had befriended me, and my mother didn't approve, so when I wanted to hang out with him.... she asked Scott to chaperon.... he dumped the duty on his sister and accused my mother of not trusting him.... looking back on it, she had every right to be worried, it was a fucked up relationship.. he was incredibly creepy.. and at 17 when he called after a couple years of not talking, I told him that I didn't think we should ever talk again.... It was sick that this man wanted to be my friend at 14, and my mother had every right to be worried, but no Scott had to turn it around and convince my mother she was the crazy one... and my poor mother with no self esteem..... believed him.
She never stood up for herself, and frank, her husband never stood up for her either.
I told my friend about how after my mother had died that despite the fact that my mother had invited them all to our family functions every year, and they had always an excuse, the year she died they came to our family reunion, to our Christmas dinner.... and how mad it made me.... that all my mother ever wanted was for their kids to call her Grandma, and how they had refused to allow their kids to do that, and the day she died, the day my mother died, those kids were saying grandma Dana...
I told her about how when I was in the relationship with C. and I knew things were ending, I had asked to come home when I was done school and had been told that my step father had lived on his own for 2 years and didn't think it was a good idea to live with someone else....
I told her about how my mother hadn't written me in the will, but had written Laurie and her children.... and because of that I spent 4 years fighting for a portion of the money that would pay for my school..... that I'm sure my mother just assumed that I would be taken care of, but her trust in them totally backfired...
I told her about the day I read the will, to realize this and then was told that Laurie, her husband, her two kids and her mother were moving back into the house....
too much for one little mind to digest.
I told her about calling home one night because it had gotten to the point at home where I knew C. was cheating on me... and it was awful... and I asked if I could come home, and my step father had said "I don't want you being here for 6 months, so you can come home for a week, pack everything up... "
That the week I broke up with C. I had come home and spent the week packing up all mine and my mother's belongings... and putting them in the barn.
Her response was "you never had a chance... you never had a chance with them... you and your mother never had a chance... she made sure that you always knew that he would never love you as much as he loved her.... and she has power over you because she got everything she ever wanted...and she's the one that got to keep her parent, and you didn't"
yup.. and I have given her that power because I am so freaking jealous that she's a total bitch and got everything she ever wanted.
where's the karma in that????
I am sooo jealous she got to keep her parent.
my friend said.... knowing all the shit you've been through, I would have lost my mind too.. no wonder you are so fucked up over men! These people do not treat you like family... they are not family, they are not blood, and you need to let them go out of your life.... they do not treat you properly... let them win... they just want you around cause they can abuse you. They have power over you and you let them.
FUCK!
I want so badly for this to be a figment of my imagination. I want so badly to have a functioning family, where I have parents and siblings who love me....
accepting this is really difficult.. I find myself, saying, "no, they didn't really mean that!" I don't want to let them go.... I don't want to admit that I don't have parents.... and no home to go home to.... I don't want to admit that to myself at all.
but I have to.. I have to say... you were sold a total load of bullshit and you bought into it... they convinced you you would never be good enough, that you weren't ever good enough..and you believed them, and its NOT TRUE! that you have a family, and a home to go to.... its just your friend's house... and not the house you grew up in....
That he wasn't a good father and wasn't a good husband, he never stood up for your mother, and your poor mother didn't know any better.... cause she didn't think she deserved any better...
and this time things are going to change... you will never let that happen to you, and you will not teach your children that they don't deserve the very best, because you will love yourself and show them that that's all that matters....
have compassion for them, because how little they must love themselves if they have to prove their power by treating you like crap... someone who just loves and wants their acceptance....
That you deserve people in your life that adore you....
I'm trying to tell myself that this time is different because you don't have to feel sorry for yourself, feel liberated that you can see it all for what it really is.. a total sham... that you are so loved, and adored and wanted, and just cause they don't treat you like that, or feel that way doesn't challenge the validity of your love.
You have to let them go.... you have to stop seeking approval from them..... you HAVE TO STOP.
So...... through all this, I have wanted nothing more than to go get drunk, and find a man who wants to sleep with me... I just don't want to feel this rejection, I want to sleep with a man that proves to me that I am wanted.. even if it is for just one night....
This man that I have slept with a couple of times wrote me on Friday night at 2:30 in the morning... ironically the last time he wrote I was in Toronto too.... and thank-god I was this time, cause I feel like my world just got put into a blender and I am so freaking vulnerable, I wouldn't have been able to say no....
but I am sooo committed to this change in my life.... so committed, that I didn't tell him that I was in Toronto.... I simply wrote "sorry I've decided no more casual sex." he wrote " what if it wasn't casual" and I wrote "no more sex with anyone I'm not dating, that doesn't care about me" he wrote... "well what if I cater to you?" and I wrote "sorry no dice. night"
I can't even tell you how difficult that was. by saying that I have eliminated all the other times he may want to write me...
How I've always dealt with rejection, pain, sadness, loneliness is to get drunk and find a guy... that's the only way I know how to make the pain subside.... and here I am, at this point in my life where I am purging people that I absolutely have loved... and called family for years... and I'm not going to have sex to rid the sadness....
So yesterday the heaviness and the sorrow from this whole thing crept in and I was supposed to go to Oktoberfest with my cousin, and I realized that I was thinking about the men I'd see, and fantasizing about picking up, and realized I am sick.
I have this parasite in my thought process that has convinced me that that's all I can get, and that I don't deserve any better... and that I believe it.... that I can't go, I have to protect myself.... so I decided to come back to Toronto and be with a good friend so that I don't do anything stupid.... I need to protect myself from myself...so I did...
So its Sunday morning... and I am struggling this morning. I am sad.. I'm so sad.
I'm sad for the little girl inside me that never got the love she deserved... I am sad that I couldn't have known any better... I am sad to admit that I will never go back to the farm. That I will never have a father. I am sad to admit to myself that I really am an orphan.... and adult orphan, but nonetheless. I'm grieving this... and all the years I have wasted trying to get them to love me.
and yet.. I am so hopeful. I am hopeful because I am only 28, and I am seeing the truth, I am seeing that it all comes from self love... and I see the endless possibilities if I get to a point where I truly, madly, deeply love myself.... and how unbelievably that will manifest itself in my life... I am excited at creating this love around me, and eliminating the people that bring me down... I am excited about being able to not only tell, and teach, but show my children the difference between someone who loves themselves and someone who doesn't. I'm excited about being a Naturopathic doctor and actually being able to show people how to really love themselves... cause I know what its like to be put through the ringer......
Today... what am I thankful for today??
I am so thankful that I have the strength and the disposition to have never given up.. to finally be able to see the illusion for what it is, and for starting to accept love into my life.
I am so thankful that I am learning all this stuff in my 20s.
I am so thankful to have the friends and family I have.
I am so thankful for the beauty that surrounds us all in the changing leaves, the sun shining down, in rainbows, and thunderstorms.... the sound of walking through fallen leaves, and the smell of fall.
I am thankful for myself. I am so thankful that I am who I am, and not stuck on the roller coaster ride for another millenia.
I love myself.
today I love myself.
and I forgive those that don't know any better.... I forgive myself for not knowing any better.
week 2? can it get any harder? lol.
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