Day 18

What I have learned in the past week.

That it isn't as difficult as you think it will be.

mid week I realized how addicted I am to suffering, that I was almost trying to feel more sad and frustrated than I actually was.

It's weird stepping into all of this. I remember feeling this way at 20, but I was so scared to forge ahead on my own, met the man that would end up being my partner for 3 years, and then man that I have suffered over ever since.... I was so scared to lose him, even though he wasn't supportive of what I was doing... that I gave it all up, I gave up the progress I had made cause it was safer. Now I am confronted with the same circumstances, and have to make the same choice... the special thing about this time is that I have friends around me that are supportive, and I actually see it now, so its easier to make a new step in the right direction.

I was talking to a girl at work today and the knowledge that was coming from me was exceptional. Sometimes, I just give this advice that I don't even know where it comes from, certainly not from experience... but there it is. It's knowledge inside, at my core.... it's just listening and trusting it that's the issue.

So some of the things that have come to me and I want to write down.
One thing that I realized a while ago, and don't think I realized how important it was in shaping the decision I have made to better my life over the past year was...

No matter what you teach your kids, unless you're living htat way they won't learn it, we really teach by example. Specifically I was thinking about going after your dreams... our parents, well most parents tell us when we are little that we can be anything we want to.... but if you have parents like I did... they really don't believe that.... they never fulfilled their dreams, and they sort of know there will be a time in your life where you realize that that is a false dream, but they let you believe that when you are a kid....

The funny thing is there are people all over the world that follow their dreams, and love what they do, maybe not EVERY day... but they would NEVER want to do anything but what they are doing. So its possible. So while I was thinking about this I realized that if I want to teach my kids that their dreams are possible, then I have ot believe that my own dreams are possible.. and how empowering is that???

I've also realized that i have never had a mentor or some one to look up to at any point in my life that is a good role model, I have no one that is successful, has a healthy, happy family, has money and is able to do what they want with their life.... whether that's good or bad is neither here nor there, but what's its resulted in is that I have these ideas of the kind of life that I want, but it feels more of a pipe dream because I've never seen it manifested in other people.

So realizing that I have been watching more of TED. com. These people are thinkers, innovators, entrepreneurs and all of them are passionate and love what they do. This week I've been starting to ask myself what makes them different.... and if you watch Ken Robinson's follow up to his talk about "how education kills creativity" he mentions how most TEDsters go against the grain.... they have followed an existence that doesn't fall under the normal way society views education. I started thinking that.. and asked myself what makes them different, and the answer I got back was that they really, truly believed in themselves. EVEN when NO ONE else did. They trusted themselves to succeed, and because of that they were able to take risks, sometimes they failed and sometimes they didn't but they forged ahead, and now they are successful at whatever they do. I think its what sets the successful from the NOT... its believing in yourself, without a shadow of a doubt.

That's something I am facing right now. I am planning on going off to school,  and school is 25,000$ a year and I need to find someone that will cosign a loan with me. My biggest fear is that I will do all this schooling and then fail in the end and not become a doctor and leave someone else responsible for my debt. Its one thing to be personally responsible, its a whole other thing to leave someone else responsible. As a result I am totally stopped in applying for school... but thinking about these "TEDsters" I'm realizing that what I need to do is KNOW that I will be successful, and plan on being successful and take the steps to get there. Learn what it takes to be successful as though it were a course in school, talk to people, ask question, learn how to set up a good practice. It's really about believing in myself, and really accepting that this is a huge dream of mine... not just some random thought in my head.

I think with that comes being more successful at school, I think I get lost in the day to day school work and forget what I am looking forward to, I lose my inspiration and so I slack on my work and studying... that I need to retain my focus, remember my goal and put everything into it... even though what I am doing right this second isn't necessarily what i want... its to be what I want... to love my life. I think the more I incorporate that into my life, the easier things will be... like quitting smoking. For years I have said I am not ready... and now every day I wake up and say.. you are, you just don't trust yourself enough yet. That's what it all comes down to in the end. TRUST, and loving ourselves.

Its strange when you really start to look at how hard on yourself you are.... that you say the meanest things to yourself all the time, 24 hours a day, and when you start saying nice things to yourself... even if you don't believe them at first, it makes things easier, life doesn't seem so awful. If you are always coming from a place of self love, then life is WAY easier...., no matter what happens... life is easier.

Another thing that I am becoming more aware of is this concept that I have incorporated into my life, but realized I missed the clause. Its the concept of accepting people just as they are. Especially in relationships, I am very aware that people aren't going to change.. how people are, and their day to day existence isn't going to change.... you can never change someone.. and the things that you want them to learn, you can't teach them... as a result I tend to find myself compensating and beating myself up for not being more forgiving... when I'm in a relationship I tell myself when things are really bothering me that I should just accept the person for who they are.... the clause I missed...

accept them for who they are.... but you don't HAVE to have them in your life.

Its really interesting when you realize the people you have in your life that you don't really get along with, but you have them there anyways... I believe its cause we are all addicted to negative things, suffering.. and we don't see that we have an out. We believe that if we walk away we are saying we don't love them... and because we are ll so scared of someone walking away from us, we don't want to do the same for others.... but the reason people walk away from us is totally their shit... sometimes its cause you were a complete pain in the ass, and you need to realize that... and sometimes they are dealing with their own BS.... in the end though they are taking care of themselves, so why ot take care of yourself for once?

Its nice to purge the negative people in your life. Its important to move forward.

Be kinder to yourself. That's what I am doing. And that can manifest itself in many ways... my way is just to not beat myself up so much, when I catch myself doing it I say, its ok... you did what you could, you can't change it, just learn from it, next time do it differently and move on.

say I love you to yourself, every day, even if you don't believe it... it makes getting through the day just that much easier, and after a while its not so uncomfortable... and hopefully one day you believe it!!!

ok, gotta go study physics!