I had a conversation with my brother today. And... by the end of the conversation I was completely second guessing myself... do I really want to let this relationship go? maybe I haven't done enough! maybe its all my fault... maybe if I just hold on a little longer I will prove to them that I am worth it... they will see how great I am, and love me.... I got off the phone questioning how to take care of myself...
and my friend just said ... "how long are you going to fight for their approval"
"you have done everything you can.... you can't do anymore."
"you deserve so much more than this.... "
"people who love you don't make you feel like shit and then don't appologize for it."
"the hardest thing that you are going to face, is watching their reaction to what you do.... when you stop making an effort, watch what happens... see if they chase you down, ask you for your forgiveness... or do they just let you go without a fight.... then you'll know.... and if you see that they don't put up a fight.... it will be so hard... but then you can move on... and let go... and know you didn't fight for them to continue to reject you."
"how dare they make you feel like you have to work for their love, that you had no choice in being part of their family... and they treat you like you need to earn their love.... and yet they have not done anything to earn YOUR love.... to deserve you.... its just circumstantial... you don't owe them anything."
"your mother did the only thing she knew how... and her fault was to trust them with taking care of her only daughter.... you are her only child and she loved you.... how upset she would be to see the struggle you have faced all this time, how angry she would be that she trusted this man and he didn't take care of you"
fuck him. let it go... you have people that love you, that want you, and you don't have to prove anything....
Thank you... for making it no longer a fight in my own head, for me trying to convince myself that I deserve better, thank-you for telling me I do, and for showing me that I do....
this is so freaking hard.
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