revelation.

My room mate is going through a crisis of sorts and came up to my room for some advice.

I know I give the best advice.... I just have a hard time following my own advice.... its like it doesn't come from me.. but out of me... I don't think about it.. I just speak... and the most logical knowledge comes out of my mouth.

So I've started to try to listen to it... really listen to it.. and try to follow it... which is sometimes harder when you are the one speaking.

I was talking to my room mate... and I realized something.... there I was talking, and I realized that this guy that I am seeing came up with 2 excuses in a week to not see me. 2. In ONE WEEK. and I let it slide.. I wanted to prove how awesome I was soo much that I let them go.

I realized tongiht that my ex used to do that all the time.... he used to tell me things to get out of not seeing him.. or why he wasn't where he said he was going to be... all the time. and I bought it. I knew better because I was mad... but there I was listening to his bullshit... because I wanted to prove how awesome and level headed a girlfriend II was.. meanwhile he was fucking other girls. I knew better and I let him. my gut knew.
and I didn't listen.

And here's this guy who is doing the same thing.. the same thing in the first week of dating.. and I am doing the same thing. I want to be such a good girl that I am blind to what he's actually doing to me.... or not doing to me.... what's wrong with me???

So after this thought came the next question... well what are you going to do about it? and then I realized that my insecurities got the best of me.... and I already ruined it... made him think I was crazy.... and I have been beating myself up all day thinking how retarded I am.... and now... now I feel thankful... thankful that unconsciously.. my subconscious knew that this man was bad for me... so it made me insecure.... so that I would fuck it up.... I took care of myself.... maybe a little more embarrassing... but I took care of myself.

I can trust myself.
I know.


One other thing I wanted to share was this. While I was talking to my roommate we were talking about what she's so scared to do... and I was trying to remember a time where I too felt like that.. where I wanted to say something so badly but I would lose my voice... I just couldn't.... I remembered how that felt.. for a split second.... and I realized that we are so scared we are going to die. Physically we are sooo scared we think poof... right there.. we are going to cease.

And then I realized.... it is a little like death.. because you kill something that you are most scared of.... and you don't REALLY know whats going to happen next.. so.... may just die on the spot. . logically i doesn't make any sense.. and you know that... but it doesn't help.. you are terrified.... stopped by fear.... and when you over come that fear.. there you are. free. alive... and a little part of you died... the fear died... something that you identified with died.... but there you are.. still alive and a new person....

and that my friends is why you should do something everyday that scares you.. because then you start realizing that nothing you do kills you.... be free. cause its a game.. and the person who wins is the person that overcomes all their fears. Every one.

so go. face your fears. have fun.. and know you will survive. you are eternal.