So the past couple weeks have been interesting. I've gone through a total change, a breakdown, a relapse, a couple of dates... exams... its been an interesting couple of weeks.
So 2 weeks ago, was the last week of school.... on Thursday I went out with a couple of friends... and proceeded to get incredibly intoxicated. I had sooo much fun. At one point there was this guy that I thought was attractive... and eventually he was dancing behind me.... I forced myself to keep to myself and then he shuffled over to this girl a few steps away. I watched them, and he was sooo drunk and was dancing with her... hadn't even seen her face, and I watched as he waited for her to look up to make sre she was attractive enough. It was weird getting that interpretation.. and realizing I've totally been that girl... thinking that the guy liked me, or was attracted to me.. and really he was just hoping I was attractive enough. It was a weird recognization.
At one point I leaned over to my friend and asked if I could go home with her.... and she said it would be my honour!!
So I hung out with her and her friends and we had an awesome end to the night.
At one point the four of us girls were talking and we realized that all of us were from single mothers. More interesting though 2 of them had older brothers and the other girl and I didn't. The other 2 girls were pretty grounded when it came to men, and the 2 of us were not.... so that's interesting.
Anyways, on Saturday I ended up meeting up going out with people from work and ran into friends at the bar, and had another great night... alot of random things happened that night... but at the end of the night I was stoned, drunk and lonely and I was texting this guy that I used to hang out with and we've made out a few times.... he asked if I was coming over and I told him that what I was looking for wasn't what he was looking for.... all I was looking for was cuddling and nothing else could happen. He said that was fine...
so I went over and wee watched the end of some movie and chatted a little.... and then he started touching me.... and it felt sooo damn good....
So many thoughts were running through my head, my body had been craving being held, being touched... so I was caught up for a few moments... I even got caught up enough to start touching him... then I realized how much I would hate myself in the morning if I continued... and I stopped....
It's weird looking back on it.... because he's your typical "oh come on, it's not that big a deal.." kind of guy... and that's totally what I fall for... so saying no... and stopping things was pretty hard, but felt so good when I did it.... in the morning he abruptly kicked me out of his bed... I left, and as I walked home I realized that for some reason I needed to be reminded of what my old life was like... and choose not to do that to myself again... with a man, that I knew wouldn't push things too much.... so I walked away... hoping that I had learned the lesson.
That Sunday night was our staff party... and I didn't drink much until the very end of the night.. and ate a piece of weed shortbread and I got completely fucked.
I had alot of fun with these girls and then somehow this guy Kris walked me home at the end of the night... not sure how we started to chat... but anyways... it was snowing and I was acting like a fool.... I laid down in the middle of the road and made a snow angel....
We got back here and we hung out for a bit, but I wouldn't let him touch me... we just talked, and sseeing as how intoxicated I got I started to tell him about my fucked-up-ness around guys.. and we just talked about that for a while... the next day we talked some more and he ended up taking me for pizza... but he mentioned to me that he doesn't have feelings and doesn't believe in love and I made it clear that I would not date him then...
The second he told me that I thought... there's no way that I would ever do that to myself again... with C. he told me he didn't have emotions in the first couple of weeks, and I thought I could fix him, show him... ya right!!! people know themselves better than you.. and if they say that RUN..... they are uuuuber broken, and there's no fixing themselves but themselves!
On Tuesday I was pretty confused about everthing.. it was alot of drama in a short amount of time and I couldn't really process it all... I had my therapy session, and because of how confused I was, she picked up on that and talked to me about drinking... and told me that I really need to stop drinking... she was pretty hard on me... which I know I need. So everyday since then I have thought about what she said.. I have asked myself what happened, and if I can actually quit drinking entirely. I think I am at the point where I totally agree with her that I need to quit, just beause of the effects it has on my body and my energy.. but I don't have a strong enough foundation to completely erraicate that from my entire social life... so my decision is to not quit drinking yet.... I promised myself I would start going swimming and yoga again once school was done... start cooking healthier.. and I think I want to learn how to curl! but we'll see... then eventually the drinking... but not yet.
So onto the biggest news.... the man. So I have no idea where this is going to go, but I need to share it.
about 3 weeks ago?? I stopped into one of the bars downtown for last call, and I saw these three guys standing at the end of the bar... all three of them were attractive, but one of them caught my eye.... but that was it.
The next morning I woke up and there was a message from this guy on pof.com and it just said that he had read my profile but hadn't looked at my pics yet and wanted to get to know me.... anyways... when I talked to him I reallized that it may have been the same guy that I had seen the night before.
Anyways we started chatting via text.. and have spent the past 3 weeks chatting... we were supposed to go for coffee last week, but he was sick and then he suggested coffee on Friday.
We talked on Thrusday and then I wrote him a couple texts that night and I didn't get a response. The next day I wrote him in the morning and called.. and nothing. finally I wrote "just wondering what time we were getting together today." and still nothing... long story short I spent the whole day obsessing... I totally felt rejected, Like I had done something wrong... it took everything in my power not to write him any more... things to write him that popped into my head were things like
"what did I do wrong?"
"I don't know what changed your mind but is there anything that I can do to fix it?"
"fuck you."
"atleast you could have fucking written me and told me you were going to stand me up!"
lol... but I didn't.
The next morning I wrote again and just said "how are you doing" and again no response... I can't tell you how disappointed I was, we had been talking for three weeks and I felt like we could really get along.... I really was obsessing and taking it very personally... trying to pep talk myself .. I was saying things to myself like"whatever you are better than this!, why worry, obviosly he isn't the greatest guy... better to know now.. etc." but that didn't help... and then on my way to work I asked myself, what the hell was I doing, WHY was I behaving this way... and I realized "this is what it looks like when you are being dramatic! you are totally making a big deal out of nothing, for no reason than to have drama!"
I had realized I was dramatic a while ago now... but to actually catch yourself behaving that way is a whole other thing.... once I realized that.. I was fine.
The next day he ended up texting me and appologizing for not getting back to me... that he had left his phone in his friend's car... I didn't know what to say... I wanted to stand up for myself, but then again I was sper happy that he wrote me, and that it wasn't anything I did or said.
so I told him that I totally felt stood up and disappointed on Friday. He appologized again and I said.. thanks for appologizing. I accept it.
and we spent the day again texting. This time I decided that I would be up for dinner, not just coffee.
So we met last night... although he was 30minutes late... lol...
We had just an awesome night chilling out and chatting, we went for sushi and he had never tried it and totally was willing to try, I taught him how to use chopsticks.. and told him if he gets nothing out of this date, he'll atleast learn how to use chopsticks and always rememebr the girl who taught him!!!
We went for a beer after, and then I asked if he'd walk me to the bus... on our way over he said "it's soo cold, I think I'll come with you and take a cab from your place."
I sort of liked that he was inviting himself over.. but also was a little worried that things were going to lead further and I was a little concerned... anyways, we got home. I made tea for me and coffee for him, and we chatted some more.. spent the night watching funny youtube videos and talking.
It started getting super late, and I started worrying about him, but had to tell myself "he's an adult, he can take care of himself, if he wants to leave he can.... you have no responsibility for him having to get up in the morning. " at the same time, I had promised myself he wouldn't sleep over.
So finally he called a cab, and we went for a smoke on the back patio. When he went to leave he hugged me and pulled away and said "out of respect for you, I don't kiss girls on the first date... I know its weird, but its to prove that I'm not expecting anything." I pulled away and said "that's awesome... I like that!!!" and said good night.
I was sooo giddy when I came inside... and promised myself I wouldn't text him right away.. and he totally texted me and thanked me for a great night and told me he totally felt like he could just be himself around me and it didn't feel like we just met.... and then he invited me over to watch movies tonight!!!
I can't even tell you how happy I am.... so there... things are changing!!!!
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