So in all the chaos that I have written about over the past few days I am now starting to realize how deep my addiction to drama and attention really goes. In fact, this blog is a clear sign of that.... although part of me (the healthy part) writes this knowing that it is important to document the shift, and another side of me(the unhealthy/ego side) totally does this, to get attention...
Reading it and even being aware of what I write, I can start to see how dramatic everything is to me. It's not that when you decide to move past a drama addiction drama necessarily disappears, we all are faced with drama, but I am starting to recognize how I deal with the drama that comes up... I make it a big deal in my head... and how that must drive the people around me crazy!
Every time I have a moment where I am feeling overwhelmed, that all knowing voice inside of me comes up and says... come now, this is not THAT bad... its not That tough... you've been through worse... just move along... stop resisting... just freaking surrender to it all already... I am so aware that my drama is my way of resisting.. the more I talk, the less I do... but appear, to both myself, and sometimes the people around me.. that I am changing... its the slowly peeling the bandaid off instead of ripping it off...
The more drama I want, the harder it is... now isn't this one a doozy to process! lol
I was just talking to a friend about this, and I was just about to say.. "I guess when I figure out what it looks like for me to not seek that attention, and not overly dramatize everything, then I'll get past it... " and again that all knowing voice came up and said "nope, that's not what you did to get over the other ones... you tried that and it didn't work.... you just have to do it... rip the bandaid off... " stupid inner voice!! lol... I'll be honest, more than anything I don't want to give this one up... I am totally attached to this as my identity... when people think of me they think of how much I talk, and how much I dramatize everything. I am so attached to that.. I can't even imagine myself as someone who doesn't talk all the time, crave attention and over analyze every freaking little thing...
man that must be an annoying quality about me... crap!
No comments:
Post a Comment