So you know how months ago I talked about the stepping out, the not knowing what would happen once you did... but the not doing it is what you regret?? Well I stepped out.. I've spent the last 2 months in Korea... and I just got back from Thailand. I'm living the life I've always dreamed of, the life that extends to all corners of the globe and allows me the ability to meet countless people and share in their lives.
I'm growing in so many ways.... With men... I find myself... taking baby steps, but growing none-the-less. For the first time last week I told a friend that I couldn't sleep with him cause... even drunk and and lonely I realized the pay and cost and valued his friendship more than a one-night stand.. but more than that.. I realized that sex really does mean something to me... and that I really want to share it with someone...
So for the first time, I didn't just think it, but I stood my ground although some of his argiment was very tempting... I'm proud of my decision. IIt has given me this power over myself... over my impulses... its still in its trial fases... but trial is better than a distant hope.
I'm still the optomist I've always been, and I still believe that I will find that guy to sweep me off my feet evetually, and now that I am doing what I love to do, and that I am happy, it seems more likely to find someone that is compatible with that hope.
As for my spirit, being in Thailand really brought me home... I felt so at peace in that country... and the more I just have faith... life just works.... so, my beliefs... are finally establishing themselves inside myself... and what's very interesting is they are so far from how I usually live life.. they are in a part of me that is not rational or analytical.. its this deep acknowledgment with the universe, its internal and it makes no sense.. and therefor I do not try to defend it or explain it.. it just is. I just am.
I came home to Korea and although its hard to come "home" to a country that isn't home... I know why I am here, I am so clear that this year has a purpose.. and not only do i get to have an adventure by being here, but it will allow me to have the biggest adventure of ALL... to fulfill my dreams. And, well meet people along the way that will be able to share my story with me.
There are times that I am incredibly lonely and miss home... my friends, but knowing the bigger picture, knowing what I really want in life is soo fulfilling.
I am happy.
I made my choice.. and I wouldn't have it any other way!
