detachment with love

January 23, 2013

I gave T. the letter today.

I don't know if I am numb or I just have come to a place of acceptance about life happenings... nothing really rocks my world anymore.

I feel almost fearless - or I should feel that way considering I stripped myself down to my very core being and gave him everything I had in that letter - I knew I would survive...and I am.

Its difficult accepting life as it is....

I texted him this morning to see if I could drop the letter off to him. I had been debating sending it in the give him the letter. Nothing.

*****

January 26, 2013

I couldn't keep typing, I had to go to sleep in order to be awake to go to clinical. I actually stopped because my cousin called at 12am and we talked for an hour.... towards the end of our conversation she dropped a bomb on me. My ex. J.... got married sometime between christmas and now.

numbness I think.

shock.

and acceptance.

Its been an interesting 4 days. I am so thankful for nursing. It compliments who I am sooooo much... I want this so badly I have learned how to refocus my attention on things that are more important, than to dwell on things that I have no control over. Ie. officially losing both of the men I have loved this year.

on the same day.

2 years ago I would have curled up in a ball and lost myself, making it about me.. feeling worthless... or gone to the bar to drown my sorrows in the company of another man.

But not now.... I think that there is part of me that can't really digest it all, but I know that most of me has.... because I am calm... not trying to push it away... and believing that I will still find true love. Someday...

but letting go.... its insanely difficult.... especially letting go with love.

*****************************************************

January 29, 2013 1:24am

So I have been procrastinating this post.... I have been looking for how I really feel about all this....and I think tonight I am here... ready to sort it out and share my thoughts with you.. and subsequently myself.

Something in me has changed. Shifted. I feel fearless. and I know its the letter I wrote T.

I had, p until the letter, never been able o find the balance between love and self respect.... where you loved so one so much as to not let them take you for granted... or take advantage of you.... I think the love I have for T.,and the subsequent way he treated me gave me the best lesson I could ever learn.... its truly the best gift in the world. How to love and say ...enough... I deserve better.. I will love you to the ends of the universe if you can turn around and apologize. If you can look at yourself and realize you are not being very nice... and if you can't.... I'm so sorry but I have to stay away... even if it kills me... even if every fiber of my being wants to be with you...

So I will tell you the love I have for T.

When I met him, every fiber of my being lit up like a Christmas tree. Thinking back... he literally made my heart skip a beat... I never second guessed anything... I knew how he was feeling.. and he knew how I was feeling. I loved everything about him. There wasn;t anything I didn't like. Even the things I had always thought would bother me... didn't bother me because there he was... in all his perfection.

Not only that but I felt like I was perfect for him...... I was his perfect match and he was mine.

I was beyond excited.... my whole being was on fire.... I was sure he was the one. POSITIVE.

The second night I spent with him he told me I was the most beautiful he's ever met inside and out and I put my head down, turned it and cried. He told me he just wanted to hold me and to come over.... we cuddled on the couch.... he said "what is this".. I said..." I don't know, but if you are who I think you are this is going to be the hardest thing we have ever gone through...because everything you don't like about me is going to be everything you don't like about you... and everything I don't like about you if going to be everything I don't like about me."

That statement is beyond true. He has stripped me down to my core... just by being himself. I can't blame him.. I can't get mad... he hasn't been mean... he's just been hiding.

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about what the difference between him and all the men in my life that I have loved and who haven't loved me back.... the difference? is that not once have I thought he doesn't love me back. Even now.... I think he loves me... I have felt that love. His loved pierced my heart..... and made me explode from the inside... I never knew love like this existed before..... trust.

So the question has been how do I dig him out of his whole so he can see it too?

I have only been able to follow my heart and it has brought me here. Where I had gradually wore myself down.. sharing little bits of my thought process with him..... to ultimately sharing my deepest being with him.

I realized in out correspondence that how I felt in September was totally valid... that it was not ok considering how we both felt about each other for him to treat me the way he was.... but I kept second guessing myself....til now, where I am reliving the experience... and saying.. ENOUGH... except now I have proven myself :)

I have proven my love. I have proven my loyalty. I have proven that I trust him... and I am his greatest ally. I have proven that I believe in him... no matter how he is. I am there... ready to put myself on the line for him..... and by writing me back... he showed me that my heart was true... and he trusts me... deeply trusts me.... and if this is all the case... he has to learn how to treat me properly.... and if he isn't..that's his choice.... but I can't settle for anything less than who I am.

So I wrote him this letter....

It took me 3 days to decide if I was even going it give it to him....if I wanted to type it up or leave it as a hand written letter... if I was going to drop it off or send it in the mail. I even decided to look up his address so I could just put it in the mail.....

I decided I needed to give it to him after I talked to J. when she was in awe of it. I decided to leave it in handwriting because it felt more sincere.... that he could touch a paper that I had written on.... poured myself on. It felt closer...

I was with a friend that day.... and told her about my predicament about sending it in the mail or dropping it off.... I had been trying to get myself to drop it off all day.. and even sucked up the rejection again to text him if he was home today for me to drop the letter off.

5 texts in total... fuck it was brutal.

The next part of his post is the entire correspondence from my point of view. Just remember that the letter I wrote but didn't give til the end.

**************************************************
December 28, 2012 9:29pm.
Hi. ItsA. J. Would you be free to go for a drink tonight?

***
January 2, 2013 3:05 pm.

Hope your New Years  was good. How are your feelings on getting together and making peace.. and starting off the year with a clean slate?

3:32pm
I know you may think I'm crazy for even wanting  to talk to you still after ignoring me for two months. But I would prefer not being intimidated and awkward around you.. And i believe everyday is a new day to be different, I wasn't going to ask but figured I'd give you the benefit of the doubt again.

At this point I am sincerely starting to lose hope.. I didn't want to insult him... but GOD.... I couldn't believe he was still ignoring me.

****

January 5th, 2013

The morning I woke up and felt he would be at the farmers market. I didn't want to get out o bed.... and then this voice said "GET UP T.IS THERE".... the last time I had that feeling.. he was there... so I trusted it.... I got there and he wasn't there... I sat out in the parking lot for an hour wondering if I would see him... I had no clue what I would say if I did... but I just sat there.... I drove around town at one point... thinking about him.. and got to the point where I stopped... and said "A. What the fuck is wrong with you? You are acting crazy..... you have to stop."

I just wanted to see him. That's it.

In desperation I wrote him.

12:02pm
Is there anything I could say to make you feel comfortable seeing me?

 4:27pm
Why am I so scary?

9:44pm

I don't know how you can do this.. I don't know if you are trying to protect me... Or protect yourself but your silence hurts and denies everything we talked about.... Everything we shared. I know I cant do anything more. but I feel incredibly powerless and its very difficult to just let it be. Every time I say goodbye...It hurts and every time I'm vulnerable and put myself out there hoping you'll change your mind and talk to me.. Just to be ignored it hurts. I don't know what to do. 

***

That night... I told myself.. I HAVE to know whats going on for him... its in me somewhere....

January 6th, 2013
3:42 pm.

Well.. I've grown a lot in the past few months... I realize now that I wasn't ready to be receptive ad I didn't respect where you were at in life. I know it would be difficult to believe but I really just want to be a friend... Respect that you don't want to date me and not have me react poorly to that. I really just want to chat... You were the best conversation I have ever had and it would just be nice to have you in my life an forgive me for being an emotional girl and contributing to the chaos. If you change your mind Id like to invite you out to the farm... We can go for a walk and catch up... We don't even have to talk about what happened between us.. Just start from scratch. If not well I guess I have to accept this and see you when I see you. Please just say hi so I don't feel like a parriya.

7:50pm.

Hi. We can start really slowly, I'm open to that. My life is in total flux. I can't handle much beyond getting up each day and getting through it. So added stress is not something I want. Nor any pressure on any level. I honestly don't even have much time for friendships. So take it for what its worth. Don't be offended or weird if it takes time for me to respond.

I can't even begin to explain what I felt like when  got this text... like the light shone through onto me... that all that suffering and rejection and knowing what the right thing to do wasn't in vain... that I was going to be able to find him... I screamed and had to tell myself it was really happening...

I didn't know what to say next.... I didn't want to scare him... but wanted to tell him everything... I wanted to keep it safe.... show him I could understand where he was... and respect it.

Ok. Deal :)

***

The next day I honestly didn't know what to do.... But I wanted to talk to him soooo badly... I didn't want to push... but I was so excited..and I wanted to know how he was.... so after a few hours of contemplating whether I should write... and what I should say I wrote

January 7, 2013
2:58pm

How are you today?

I figured I couldn't go wrong with that. it was safe.

Anxious.

Stressed. Something in the air. Lack of direction and drive.

I couldn't believe he responded.... let alone with the truth.

I didn't know what to say and then all I heard was Breathe.

So I wrote.

3:07pm
Breath

311pm.
Anxiety is the result of a discrepancy between what is happening and what you think should happen. Th key is acceptance....By just breathing... And being present it will help. you are exactly where you need to be. I promise.

I like that. Thank you.

My pleasure

3:20pm
I know you might not be ready to see me yet. But if you need a hug. Let me know. Hugs help too. Physical contact. It calms the parasympathetic nervous system to be squeezed... And gets you present. Being present is the only way to avoid worry.

5:55 pm
Nope. Not ready.

5:57pm
Didn't think so but had to offer.

6:28pm

You just let me know what you can handle from me. And when you cant. Just tell me and I can handle it. I just want to help... So if I'm making you uncomfortable I'm not helping.

***

The next day we had orientation at 7am and went out for breakfast after.... I didn't know after not hearing from him if I should write him again.. but I wanted to see how he was considering the small bit he said made me feel worried about him.

January 8, 2013

10:47 am
How are you today?

11:12am
Honestly, the same. Real weird vibe going on with me. Feeling a little paralyzed. Need a kick in the ass.

11:56am
How long have you felt like this?

11:59am
Bout a week maybe more. Just stressed about life, money,the future, my kids, I don't love my job.. plus stresses with my ex. Like I hit a wall.

I couldn't believe he was opening up to me.... he doesn't want to see me.. but he's really being vulnerable.

12:06am
I felt like that this fall...Everything that could go wrong went wrong and I couldn't handle it anymore....2 things...

1. I was told that I feel like 'm going crazy because the life I was living wasn't working anymore and I was struggling against that I wanted something different for my life.... Its the death of the ego...I got to a point where I had to just give in... Let go and accept that I cant control my life.

12:10pm
Pain is like an arrow to your heart... suffering is important only until its not... Its life asking you to let go and give in to the chaos of it all.... And recognize there is no good or bad....Its just life and it has worked exactly how its supposed to. Take this time to start looking at the rest of your life.. You have survived so much... You somehow survived and you have to recognize you are WAY stronger than you think you are.

12:14pm
2. When I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown this woman I know told me to go out and hug a tree. I resisted.. But did it... And sat under i for two hours and just watched nature... Silent... it changed me. I realized I always see the beauty in everything and I have the evidence from the rest of my life... I don't need to listen to anyone else. Its in me. The beauty of life is in your own experience.. Trust nature. Trust life. Trust your heart. And stop worrying about the future, it will all work. But only if you bite off little pieces. Life only happens right now.. Worrying about tomorrow will make you crazy. Life only happens right now.

12:15pm.
So go hit a tree.. Yell at it and then hug it.

then I sent a picture of a pheonix and it said
Sometimes you have to die a little inside in order to be Reborn and Rise again as a Stronger and Wiser version of You!

12:29pm
Do you have somewhere you can be alone and have privacy with trees?

NOTHING.

4:37pm
Was that helpful?

5:55pm
A bit. Your perspective helps.

6:19pm
Does it fit for you? Or is it too abstract?

NOTHING

9:10pm.
Whoa. I just remembered.. you told me once that you noticed that when you accepted things the way they were.. The next day everything changed. It happened a couple of times in your life. You know all this... You just haven't put all the lessons from your life together yet....figured it all out yet.... But I have so much faith in you.... You'll get there... I promise. And when you do. That's your key to changing the world. Your experience is what is going to change the world. I know it. :)

***

January 10, 2013

9:07 am
Morning :)

9:13am
Morning Feeling much better.

Oh good! :)

What did you do make yourself feel better?

When he didn't write me back... I vowed to not write him again.. but that nigh I was over at a friend's and we went and searched out the newspaper from last week and I got to see myself in it :) I was beyond excited... and my heart told me to text T.

I tried to resist....

6:51pm
Did you see me in the newspaper last week? I just got a copy :)

10:37pm
Sorry no. What for? Are you famous?

Hi! Lol. Of course I am... haven't you figured that out yet? Lol

:)

How was your day?

Decent. Anxiety seems to be on the back burner.

:) How did you manage that? :)

Just got myself busy. I think sometimes if I'm not productive I get down on myself then it spirals. Not super motivated at work makes it challenging.

Ya. I hear that. Have you turned that old gauge into a lamp yet?

Not yet. Still sourcing some particular wiring.

What kind of wiring?

I don't give away my secrets that easy. Lol.

Lol. Dammit! I have an old gauge here and I've been waiting to get your secrets to make a replica... Didn't you know that all I want from you! Lol

Haha!! Fibre optic.

Ooh fancy :)

Have you made any others?

Ya. I made a tree light.... You know for that Christian holiday. Lol.

Ooh fun! Can I see a pic?

I love that Christian holiday! I love all the lights that's my favorite part:)

Nope. I'm in bed. About to Zzz.

Lol. Ironically I was going to ask that. Lol.

Do you often text your friends naked? Lol.

I don't even sleep naked. Lol. Go to bed!! I'm nodding. Gdnight A.

Lol. Who doesn't sleep naked? Lol. Goodnight T.

11:09pm
Don't let the bed bugs bite...

***
January 11, 2013 it was a PA day.... There was also a rally for idle no more... and I really wanted to go... and thought maybe he would want to too.

9:45am
Do you have the girls today/this weekend

9:35am
Yes

9:38am
How are they? Are they out of school today?

Yes. They are great. We are going to toronto to see a basketball game.

Lol. are you kidding me! :)

That sounds like the best day out of school! Lol. Who are you going to watch?

9:45am
Raptors? or a different team?

9:59am
I was going to ask if you were going to take them to idle no more rally... cause I remember you telling me about one of them. A? Learning Ojibwe and being interested in indigenous ppl. But bball game answered that :)

1:58pm
Can you get links on your phone?

6:34pm
Hi.

7:02
:)

9:43
I'm scared to text you too much.. But I'm hoping you had fun at the game and you are having a lovely weekend with the girls. Talk soon.

January 13, 2013

1:30pm
So I had an interesting experience last night. I was asked what my perfect environment would be so I went through all the landscapes in the world that I am familiar with and tried them on to see which one reflects my inner most being.. I found it... And then figured out why that landscape reflects me. I'm really curious what yours would be. Where on earth represents you the most?

So ya, the night before had been wonderful I hung out with my friend all night and we drank and sang and talked... I recorded a lot of our conversation.. so one day I will have the courage to put those up. At one point she got me to lay down and tense everything in my body including my toes and face.... as tight as I could... for as long as I could... and then slowly release... and while I was releasing to go to the place that most represents me... the place I feel the safest.

the first place I went was in T's arms... and then I thought.. this is ridiculous... still think the safest place is a man... how about the earth... where do you feel safest by yourself....

I flashed through every landscape I could think of.... waterfalls and tundra, the arctic and the mountains.. the ocean and the jungle... and then I came across it. The red wood forest.

I stood there in my imagination and asked why? why here?

"what do the trees have in common with me?"
the answer I got back:
They are strong.... unwavering.... deeply rooted in the earth... and their rings are like our lives..... They have survived forever.. and will continue to survive.... then I travelled up the tree.... to the branches... to green to fun... to the birds singing.... that the branches represent a life... but they don't see how much they have grown... they don't see how tall they are.. or how strong.. to them... everything is new.... like us humans... we don't realize we have lifetimes behind us... and our soul is rooted in the earth... we can never die.

and then right at the top.. is a tiny sprout... growth... it must be scared... so vulnerable and open to the elements... but it grows... and stretches and helps the tree grow... bigger... stronger.

Then I looked around.... and saw... these trees stuck together... they supported each other.. and protected each other from the elements.... just like we should. We are trees.

T and I had had a conversation about the red wood forest.. and I was curious if his would be the same.

NOTHING.

*****
January 15, 2013 8:51 am
So random question. Are you driving down Lindsay rd this morning? My cars battery died. I'm supposed to be at school and my room mate just left.

8:54am
So sorry. I'm headed to Ottawa.

No prob. It was a long shot. Just one of those mornings. Ugh. lol.

8:58am
How was your weekend?

11:49am
You truly are an enigma. Lol.

****
January 16, 2013 11:38am
How are you today? Still in Ottawa?

2:12pm
Did I say something wrong?

2:35
Can we just go for a walk? Its gorgeous out and I feel so awkward when we haven't talked in two months. I just want to see you an catch up.

2:54pm
I'm in Ottawa. Sales conference.

3:01pm
Ah ok.

3:05 pm
When are you home?

3:56pm
Tomorrow night.

3:58pm
Ooh fun! You having fun? Or hating it?

All good.

4:05pm
Lol. Man of few words. Are you available this weekend for a couple of hours to get together?

4:21pm
doubtful

4:23pm
Busy or don't want to see me?

9:16pm
Ok. well I'm going to invite you out to my place for a drink. If you want to come. Hang out, laugh and get to know each other better... I promise you'll leave happier than when you came
Hope you are having fun tonight. :)

***

NOTHING

***

January 18th, 2013

10:57pm
Awake?

11:41pm

Just sitting in my living room watching the snow.. drinking tea. Thought I'd see if I could catch you spontaneously on  Friday night to join me.

11:45pm.
Midnight walk in the snow... You know you want to :) even if I'm waking you up to suggest it :)

I smoked a joint and found some paper and a pen and realized that maybe I had something bigger to offer.... that maybe my gift is really understanding why people are the way they are. I don't judge... because I know why people behave the way they do... and I don't tell them because most people don't want to hear the truth about themselves. So I keep it to myself... even though the best thing someone could hear is how they really are. Its hard to hear... but I really like anyone who will tell me.

So I got the courage to believe it was a gift... a gift I had to give T. That maybe he couldn't see what I could see... that its taken forever for me to figure shit out... and maybe if I shared my insight I could speed up the process... I also thought he has no idea how well I know him... and to be honest... neither do I. So I lay down on the floor and wrote him a letter and here it is:

**************************
If what I'm about to write is true then I know that you are who I think you are - that I know you as well as I think I do and that we re on the same frequency. If hat I'm about to write isn't true... then I really don't know you... and the way I feel about you is unfounded.
You've read all the other letters to you... and so you know how I feel - but I'm only behaving based on my assumptions of your behaviour - and so I'm going to share my assumptions of your behavior s you can ask yourself if it rings true or not -lol. I'm laying on my kitchen floor writing this, listening to all my favorite music - and the angle is not very conducive to writing in a straight line apparently :) lol.

Ok - so I'm so scared to share this - I have no idea why - maybe I'm scared to be wrong...but if I'm right..I will change your life.. and subsequently my own. So here goes.

I think the night you found me on PF you felt a deep connection with me - I didn't see what you saw until the night I met you on your patio. You looked at me the whole night feeling what I was feeling - but i as unlike anything you have ever experienced.... 'cosmic'

You felt the lightening bolts I did. They were overwhelming, but exciting, especially in all the chaos in your life - your normal life - and then your mom being down - I was a breath of fresh air - and validation... and that's why you found the courage to kiss me in the rain... Because you wanted to know I felt the same ting.

The next day when I asked to drink tea and sit in the front room made your heart pitter patter a little ad when I told you about my dream house being in the red wood forest you felt the same thing I did a deep connection with a very special  in the world and I honestly felt so privileged that you told me that story. like I was one of very few people who got to know the whole story including what you learned from it and the picture.

When you told me I was the most beautiful girl inside an out you saw me - for me - and you in me. You warned to take care of me. I was a little awkward - I was awkward because I was so overwhelmed by the whole experience. I was thinking - feeling so vulnerable. I was so scared to let you in - to trust you... and then when we kissed in the living room I had to ell myself to be present -   not think and over analyze everything - it was so difficult to just be present with you and let go of even trying to understand what was going on between us.

I think that because we were both so much in our heads - the kiss was hot, but awkward.I remember thinking that you were great but the kiss wasn't spectacular. I remember kissing you I was shaking on the inside, nervous - wondering how could you be so wonderful ad feel the same about me? Could I really be as wonderful as you?

Seeing E with you that night was a treat. I was so nervous...because I remembered being 7 and I still remember the first time I met F, my step dad - kids remember everything and I wanted my first impression to be one of safety and love.

Seeing you hold her made my heart skip a beat. Evey time you talked about E and A your eyes lit up ad I could feel the love you have for them palpate off you. o watching you be t man I saw, with your daughter was incredibly special for me.

I think you had that day on Sunday with your mom and your family and your feelings got ll muddy. I think you feel completely abandoned by your mom - as though she doesn't love you. because she doesn't love you the way you think she should. You love so much about her that you accept and love her an accept that she lives this double life. You love her heart. but maybe really really deep - you equate being free - with abandoning your responsibilities - that you haven't seen yet you can truly have it all -

I honestly think that I remind you of your mom and that scares you on a lot of different levels.


I  think that when you were young you had a free heart - amd always llowed your heart - but then you started to sell out on your heart for what you believed was the 'righ' think - that you blieved that your life would have been so much better if this and that hadn't happened - so you made rules for yourself around your freedom - around your heart - because you felt like your mom was irresponsible - but you love her heart.

I think your parents don't love themselves and they did't love you properly - they could have accepted themselves and taught you how to do the same - except they taught you the opposite - the wy you behave now...  thikyou've been so deeply crushed - hurt and abandoned that your little heart feels like it just can't handle anything else.

I think your marriage was  the result of all the rules. You felt it - but when you finaly gave in to the feeling - wen you let the feeling in - accepted your honest feelings - that it wasn't wha eally wanted - but you would accept it - be true to your heart.

I think when she told you she cheated on you and went with him - I think your heart was rushed - you were willing to give up everything for her - including your happiness - just to do the right thing and she did the complete opposite. Tht she broke the rule you promised you would never break - But at the same time you were relieved.

I think at the time you told me about all this you were so angryat her - but still loved her and you couldn't sort out the feelinsof relief around a rule that you had made such a big deal over for your whole life.

That now he will always be your daughtrers' mother so you have to love her - even though she broke your heart and broke your rules. You don't want to admit that this really is okay - even though it hurts - you don't want to admit that maybe you were wrong about love - that it can come and go - and jut bhankful for what it gave you. 2 beautiful girls - life experience and a tmeplate of a life you don't want and want - I'msure i taught you things you want and things you don't want.

I think I walked into yor life when you were hurting exponentially - that you were so overwhelmed with everything - not only was your mom there that weekend an not spending time with you, but yor ex was being a bitch, it was A's 7t birthday on Tuesay. That you weren't liking your job and trying to figure out why you were there - and what your next step was going to be.

You were feeling guilty hat you weren't going to be able to be there every day when you got them - that you miss them so much you want to spend every moment you can with them and instead of being ok with them being okay with however you are you feel guilty - guilty for not giving them the happy family you always planned of, but guilty for not being the dad you want to be.

On top of all that you had slept with 4 women in th past year - enjoying yourself - but feeling guilty for that too - as though having sex with women you weren't going to marry was somehow unacceptable for a father - guilt, guilt and more guuilt.

And then I showed up. With all my insight and hop and I represented everything you used to be - before you were living the consequences of your rules.

You weren't expecting me - and it was like a bomb went off and nothing made sense anymore so you decided instead of jumping off he sliff and seeing where things could go - you played safe , made new rles - and tstayed where you were most comfortable - in guilt, frustration and isolation.

On top of that I think you truly thought I was amazing and you were aware that you were so caught up in so many things that you didn't want to hurt me - you didn't see that from the moment I kissed you - you couldn't avoid hurting me - you leaving was going to hurt.

Yu don't love yourself to recognize that what hurt me was that you wouldn't let me love you - you couldn't trust me..

You got totally freaked out about my enthusiaasm that I totally confronted you on all your insecurities and yur ego would have nne of that..

I think when you told me you didn't want to hurt me but you were worried about my weit... you were scared that I didn't feel the same way and were scared to tell me about the vasectomy - because you had told yourself you were unlovabl now - or some cousn of that... And to be honest I nderstood because I'm attracted to fit men - so of course you would be attracted to fit women... but what hurt was that you couldn't just see where it was all going. not even one date.

You killed it based on some thing that might not even happen. You inspire me and there is nothing to say what you offer isn't enough tohave mesee what you see in me.

I'll be honest. I haven't lost any weight in the past three months - I've had an intense 3 months - with drama at school, my fiend dying - L's daughter dying, very little money and no one in my family willing to help me with school - NOT getting extensions on assignments while attending funerals and my step dad having a heart attack and 2 strokes -

To J., my ex, finding trus love and gettng engged.I've been pretty stressed out - I haven't had enough of me to do much.

But trough it all I some how found the truth in it all.

When I met you T. I felt like everything - all the good, and all the bad had to happen for me to be sitting there in front of you feeling the way I did. -

So while eerything  happened between us and thoughout every other part of my life I had t believe it was happening as it should - even if I couldn't see it yet.

I think when you saw me you remembered how you felt about me - but i scared you shitless - I think you want to protect me from you... and you haven't made peace with your past , or yourself. That I represent theopposite of the life you've been living. I think I challenge the life you actally hate but dn't know how to leave.

I also think you don't trust women - and as soon as you felt like you were getting too close you wanted to run for the hills so I couldn't hurt you. I think you are also trying to control yor life and your love. As though there is an answer.

****

I fell asleep

January 19, 2013
9:49am

I had a moment of real clarity last night and realized that you and I both don't know if we are on the same page...If we are running at the same frequency... And I have spent three months analyzing you and myself trying to understand everything.

I realize I'm scared to share what I have figured out about you... And so I found courage to write you a letter with my interpretation of what's happened... And maybe whats going on with you now.

It occured to me that you may not even know an maybe I could offer insight and help.

I know if I don't tll tiy biw I'll fold it up and keep t because it scres me so much to share my thoughts.

So I'm just going to tell you I have this letter. If you want to hear an objective opinion of you.

If I'm right it will offer you insight into things you may not have considered and if I'm wrong I really don't nderstand you and we really are on different frequencies.

Me wanting to see you hasno hiddenagenda. I just want to makepeace and see if we can get along as friends.

I know I'm like this little tornado in your life where things feel like they are falling a part and that seeing me may feel unbearable when you are atempting to figure out everything else in your life out...That you don't need me to add to everything.... Bt I think I can help if you let me.

I'm not going to mention this letter again. Its my gift if youll let yourself bevulnerabl... And let me be vlnerable... If you can try  not to be so in control of everything... and thrw caution to the wind and see me... I can share it.

Its hand written because my compter wouldnt work and I fell asleep last night writing it.

To be honest right now I don't even know everything I've written... And if I reread it.. Ill be too scared o tell you... But I think... In my heart I may understan you better than you may think... And maybe I'm supposed to share it... Well thats what my heart is saying.

Do hat scares you the most. This scares me the most... So I'm going to find thecourage to hit send. Before I wake uo too much and reationalize away why its rude to share my insight with you... Accept this all sounds crazy... But hope I'm right that you may just understand my unique craziness... And this is what you are looking for... But it would be impossible to ask.

My heart makes me do rediclously crazy thinkgs like...

An idea of what I'm alluding to?That I realized that when you met me I was like a little bomb went of in your already chaotic and confusing life an you just didn't know what to do wih me... I triggered so much in you that  it was impossible to have me around becauseyou wre tryig to keep everything els afloat... And I threatened that . You didn't know how to not hurt me or yourself and maybe you still don't but you dont know how to expres that... You want to have morestability and be happier before you see me... But maybe just maybe....Seeing me is what might make you happier If I'm right.

If I'm wrong you'll just continue to ignore me life youve been doing again since we started talking  again.. And I''ll just sit here and wait for you to get he courage to tell me whats really going on with you.

9:50am
I'm going to have an anxiety attack sending that to you. I know its a lot and you told me not too much. But my heart said tell you. And I have to listen to it. Sorry.

1:53pm
I don't know if you got that... But if you did its intense... I know I'mintense and scary... I just hope you can find your courage and see that I only have honourably good intentions. Be spontaneous, cancel your plans and come over. See for yourself if what I have to say can help...If who I am helps.. And if you feel better after seeing me. Please.

5:22pm
K. well I live at ... So if you can find your heart again... And stop having to control every little thing in your life for one night... Then I'm free tonight.

I have tutoring from 6-8 and then as far as I know I'm free.

So find your balls. And just come have fun and stop making m hae to tip toe around you like you are  completely fragile. Own up to your heart. I promise itll be fun...no control=freedom=happiness.

A reminder of me. With my cat Sebastian
*picture*

8:39pm
I'm picking p a bottle of wine and heading home. You going to stop being so scared of life and come?

8:53 pm
You said you wanted kick in the ass. This is it. I have nothing else. 

***
January 18th, 2013

That's where I fell asleep. I woke p and texted you about the letter - I stepped out again and threw my faith in you out there - me beinabsolutely vulnerable - to be ignored and rejected again.

I see you are scared - I see that you have so much going on in yoru life you can't have anything else - especially something as big and uncontrollable as me. You can't let go control - you can't leap and see where things can go - youare scared that everything will come down - but that's precisely what it needs to do - break out.

I love you so mch - I believe I hve for many many lives but I can't fix you. I can't find you - you have to find yourself and believe that you want to enjoy the adventre of life again -nd recognize your have survived life d love before - you can do it again and be thankfl for whatever you learned and gained from it.

I think the past few months you were keeping me at bay because you knew n ourheart that you would either hurt me - or I would mess with your life -

I think you had a lot of fn wth e when I came over that night - I knew when I came over that you  probably wouldn't talk to me again because I had aready figured out that you live a life that isn't authentic to your heart. so you feel guilty when you do things against your rles when you lose your inhibitions. I had so much fn that night and when you pretended to not have had fun - when you were upset and worried about my reaction nstead of kissing me and saying thankyou - even though I expected it - it was so dissapointing - your fear of living makes it so you self sabotage your own heart and your own happiness.

I have believed for the pt 3 months that if I just loe you and nderstand then you could maybe see how vable you are -

When you finally texted me bacl I was beyond excited - it proved that following my heart wasn't in vain - and then when you were honest about how you were feeling - I felt like I wasn't wrong - you know that we have a special connection.

The fact tht you can't even answer simple questions isn't fair. Keeping me at bay becase you are scared isn' nice...and totally ndermines both yourself and me.

I know you love me back.... butyou don't want to - and you are scared of hurting me an hurting yourself.

I deserve for you to trust me eter than the people in your life that treat you like shit. I deserve you to be in communication with me - so I'm no left wondering what going on. You push me to the very brink of your life so you can't get hurt.

Meanwhile you are saying no one loves you - no one cares fo you.... you push your own feelings away because you don't trust yourself - or life.

You want to give me what I deserve - but you feel like you can't - but all it would require is for you tostop judging yourself o your life and letting things happen just as they should.

You hve to let love faith in your hart in orfer for things to change in your life - its not changin doing - its changing being - be love - be courage.

Its your choice - you can either let your circumstances control how you feel - or let your heart decide - let yourself feel. So I cn love you too.

My only regret? Not hugging you when you weresharing about your ex and your parents - that you didn't get to feel how much I cared -  was scared to make you feel uncomfortable- but you needed a hug.

Everything else - not one regret. I have now given you everything I could have. Been the most vulnerable than I have ever been and I will survive your not reciprocating

(photo copy cut off a line)

I do - and if I could help you find yourself we could have an epic love.

Your ex was an ass - and she stil is - your parents didn't love you properly - your job sucks.... but you have learned a lot from all of it 0 you are finding yourself and thats all any of us can really ask for.

Your girls will be fine - whether youare rich or poor.Whether they see you everyday or once a month. Children feel love... and stability does't come from anything tangible- t comes from love - and knowing that they can be anywhere and anyone and you'll still love them...but they have to see that in you. Treat yourself the same way you want them to treat themselves.

When you are ready to jump into the abyss of not knowing what tomorrow will bring - when you are ok wih ut enjoyin the ride and being okay when the time comes to part us - when you can let your heat be free and jump into faith and adventure -let me know.

I believe in you - please believe in me.
love
A. J.

Come jump with me I can only promise it will be one hell of a ride.

Om Mani Padme Hum
Angels on your pillow.

********

January 19, 2013
11:08 pm
If you ae going to change anything in your life that isn't going well its going to require a huge leap of faith.

I'm going to tye p the letter and send it to you and when you are ready to leap and trust me and the feelings you feel about me.. You can let me know.

***
January 20, 2013
11:57am

I think you treat straners and people you don't like better than me. You trust me and yet you relegate me to the far corner of your life as though any more is theatening. I love you. But after the distance you created over the past two months.... I atleast deserved honesty and communication. I have earned you respect. In fact I wuld bet I have stuck by you and trusted you more thn most people in your life. I can't believe  haven't been able to get you to see your own worth and that there are far more important things to focus on besides the worries you obsess over.

My dad had a heart attack and two strokes last month, my friend's daughter died and I have literally 40$ in my bank account right now and none of my family will help me out... and the man I feel most like ignores me like the plague. I have been struggling to get through my ife... and school... Believing that its all happening as it should... And you are focused on a woman who treats you like shit, a job that pays you well, money problems based on some crazy future notion... And not now. And your girls who are absolutely fine. If you just efocused your attention... You'd be fine. But I cant force you to be present and happy.

12:10pm

You should be thankful to have me. Not resentful. And its your choice. I think you actually enjoy being sad and feeling like no one loves you... Cause I'm here loving yu and you want nothing to do with me. You make me crazy... you are the most stubborn man I have ever met!

And I think you feel like you are an enigma because yu don't know what your heart wants.. And you do you getmad at yourself. Lieint as aweful or as serious as you think. You are allowed to play and fall down an not have it all rn smoothly. Its unpredictable... And I think I finally understand why you keep me at bay. Because you can't control me.. And you don't like anything you can't control.

12:30pm
But your het loves that I shake things up for you. Craves a change... I think I am your battle between your head and heart. Youdon't have to know the future... Just let me hold your hand while you figure it out.

*********
January 21, 2013- adding to the letter.

I know you cant give me much - I'm simply asking to be friends - I know you are struggling  - you are grieving and I just want to be able to hold your hand while you get through it and be there on the other side.

I'm scared too - I have trust issues around men - and still have more learning to do - I have no idea where a elationship with you would go and I don't expect to - I haveno idea what will happen tomorrow and something my life has taught me is that anything can happen - bt if I try and protect myself - I keep life at bay.

The past 3 months writing you while you ignore me hasbeen a huge lesson in trusting my heart - which is really the only way I can understand what is foinf on with you - because i've been tehre.

Ultimately I can see that no matter what my friends want for me - it takes coming to a point where it comes from inside - which I have found is truly loving myself.

This weekend I arrived at a new point in my relatability to you and subsequently men. I realized thatI have given you everyting I could have - and I deserve to be treated with respect - I haven't known how to respect myslf without giving up on you.... I'm not upset about you not being able to let me in anymore - I know you are simply where ouare - I want so much for you - but I can't change you.... I know, however that you are  fully capable man and that you can afford to atleast be in communication with me - let me know what's going on and not forve me into a place where I feel like I have to walk on eff shells with you.

I've been so scared of letting you down - trying to navigate you blindly.

I feel like you have forced me to the very corner of your lfe because I challenge you.. ad its hard to no get upset - because I'm frstrated - I think challenging you is what you need - but then you push me away so I can't.

I'm no longer asking you to change. I know you will grow at your own pace - you will figure this all out at your own pace and I have no judgements.

There is a little sadness that comes from realizing I can't get you to see how much I care - and reciprocate the care... but I deserve to be loved back... and for the first time in my life I think I have arrived at a point where I love myself enough to be okay with being alone. - that I need to have healthy boundaries - and a friend isn't a friend is they ignore me ndmake me beg for their attention - You've made me beg for your attention - you've made me feel nloved, undeserving and invisible. YOu have been obsessed over problems that leave you miserable - you broke your promises to me.

I deserve love - you deserve love.

I really have nothing more to give- when you are ready to appologize and treat me with love and respect I will always be available - I know I will always love you....

I'm sorry you can't let me in and love me bacj. I never knew even being friends would be so complicated.

I would never change anything about my life - because I'm finally finding peace and calmness... but it certainly has been a roller coaster ride. I hope I've helped.. and that you find your inner peace.

much love.
A
xoxoxo
**********************
January 21, 2013 more additions to the letter.

I've reread the letter so many times in the past few days - asking myself if I've shared all I need to - all I can. If I have given you everything I need to. I know that this is the most vulnerable I have ever been... so I trly have given you my all.

I hope I offer you insight. I nothiced with J. that I could tell him when his problems were... but he got frustrated in what to do about them. I'm wrried I'm leaving everything to you and you may find it overwhelming.

What you need to know.


1. You are allowed to be hurt an disappointed and angry about events in your life that hurt.

2. It is not your fault - life happens - I believe now that life give us the hardest things to accept to see if you can overcome them and really love yourself - its just life.

3. It takes a long time to heal - so don't beat yourself up on the path to wholeness.

4. You are a wonderful soul inside if you just let it out.

5. Accepting your life and not pushing your emotions away is the only answer - becoming crystallized through allowing yourself to let go - feel and heal - as you allow yourself to experience the pain, sorrow and frustration - the feelings will dissipate - and you will feel way stronger - recognizing what you have been through.

6. Forgive yourself and your loved ones for not knowing any better than you did. Life only teaches you so much and there's no sense being upset for not knowing any better.

7. You don't have to have all the answers - to simply live is the answer - loss of control = freedom = happiness even though when its happening it feels like the whole world is caving in.

8. The universe is conspiring for you - always - pushing you... you are never alone.

9. I will always love you. You make my heart skip a beat - and I've learned so much in the past 4 months- I came back to myself - because you gave me hope - you also being a complete mirror to me showed me how some of my behaviours impact my life - you are one of the greatest gifts of my life.

10. You are perfectly you. Your uniqueness - your flaws are what makes you so special - and honestly its what I value the most. You are human, flawed and perfect.

I'm sorry for not being able to give you what you wanted - but hopefully I gave you what you needed and helped you somehow along your journey.

with all my love
A.J

I carry you in my story - I'm going to change the world. You'll see. :)

****
January 23, 2013
10:38 am
Hey. Ihave this letter  for you. Its handwritten and I decided not to change it or type it p. are ou around today if I drop it off to you?

10:41 am
Or I could drop it off when you arent there. I don't care. Just thought I'd give you the option.

***

I debated all day whether I should just drop it in the mail or by his house... I really didn' want to look like a stalker... I didn't want to surprise him and make th rejection worse on me.... But I knew I sort of wanted to give it to him personally.

I was in the car with a friend of mine running errands that afternoon and we drove by his house.. and both cars were in the driveway... so I knew that he had to be there.

***

January 23, 2013
2:40pm
You home now?

Alone?

I don't have much time... Don't need to talk. Just want to give it to you and leave.

****

I talked to my friend about what I should do and she asked me what I would be more proud abou doing. It was official... I had to go to his house... whether he was there or not.

I started reading the letter to her.... and the phone rang... it was him.

Calm. I answered.

I was so nervous I don't remember everything.

It was the first time I had heard his voice in almost three months.... and I knew he was calling for not good.

What I remember about the conversation... tht he appologized a thousand times for not being able to give me anything.... that he's not where I'm at, and its all too much. That I'm a wonderfl person and maybe I'm way ahead of him and he hopes to get there someday... but right now he can't.. he alluded to even more shit with his ex.... I could hear how stressed he was.

I told him I just wanted to be friends... I just wanted to help.

He told me that the texts had to stop... and that it didn't feel like I wanted to be friends.. it felt like I wanted to be more... and asked me if I hadever considered that I was addng to the drama in his life.

I told him yes... and that I had this letter and I wanted to give it to him and then I would leave him alone.

At one point he told me that its not about control like I said ... I spoke up and said "of course it is"

I wanted to cry at different intervals.. but I knew nothingcould happen if I did that.

He seemed reasonable about me dropping off the letter and told me he was just picking up his daughters....

He cut out at the end.

****
January 23, 2013
2:57 pm.

You cut out. Just text me when you are home.

3:01 pm.
You can just drop it in my box now. Before3:30

Before you get home?

3:04
yes

I can be there in 20 minutes is that ok?

yes.

****
I was across the river when thiwent down debating whether I should drop it off.... I could see his house from where we were.... so that decided that. I finished reading the letter... and drove over. It was the first time I had been on his street since the night I was over. The last time I spoke to him besides the random hi/bye at the bar.

I was so nervous. The envelope had the letter I wrote him, the letter I wrote the people who donated the money for L. car, a copy of the newspaper article and a box of happiness magnetic poetry.

Putting it in his mailbox I said good bye. I got into the car and cried a little.

I had given him everything I had..... and I had to finally let it go. I had proven my worth...

I had realized that I felt the same way I did in September when we started talking abain.. being ignored didn't sit well with me... what had changed though is that I had proven my love. I had prove my loyalty... but he was still holding back... hiding.... and I couldn't take it anymore. I deserved better.... and that maybe I would be happier alone with my own love then in any kind of relationship without it.

Since that day I have not heard from him ad I have not texted or written anything. I've been digesting it all.

Some thing is really different for me. I feel fear less... like I tackled my biggest fear... being myself and being abandoned by someone I love deeply... and now I feel like I make no appologies for myself. I am who I am.. and I love me.

I'm athentic and real and honest.. and vlnerable.. and I would never want to be any different.

Who knows what will happen.... all I know is it had to happen the way it did. I have learned so much... and I will never settle for anything less than how I felt that first night with T.

He gave me hope again.... like when I was 15 and still was in love with my bst friend who never reciprocated... when all my beliefs about love came crashing down....... he gave me hope that real love exists... and I will find it.

I feel like I am finally able to be receptive.... know my own worth and know the balance between self respect and loving someone.

I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again... but I know if he actally read the letter.... he will never forget me....

and I am free.

March 6, 2007

I think I just had a breakthrough about men talking to T. tonight. I think that I have a tendency to go for the jock, the smart jock even - but really taht's not what I want and maybe its time to decide really what I want. Above all else - what is always missing in my life is love, loyalty, courage and passion - I want a man who isn't a challenge, who I can say homeopathy, naturopathy, home birth, things that are fundamental to who I am as a human being and not be slighted or questioned. I want a man who loves all of me - who cares about my strength, who is proud of me and who I can be proud of. A. you will not settle til you find this EVER.

if I had nothing else to give - my advice.

So I wrote this letter to T on Friday night.  I have been struggling with sending it to him.... adding to it every couple of days but being scared of whether I feel the need to send it. I have been struggling with just not even caring any more.. with feeling like is none of my business what he's thinking... to being wrong.... it really is interesting to watch myself be so scared about a letter.

I ended up sending him a copy of the letters he wrote me originally, this weekend... and tonight I shared all of it with my best friend. The letters we wrote to eachother when we first met. I explained to her that after we met face to face I was so convinced he was the perfect man for me that I went and saved every correspondance on POF, because I wanted to be able to look back at how we met. I read my friend the letter I wrote T on Friday... and I watched as she was so moved and impresses with the letter and told me at the end that it was a phenomenal letter... it was raw... but amazing. :)

So I'm going to send him the letter.

The 2nd extra page I wrote was yesterday. I feel the need to post it because after my friend and I talked she said that it could change the world... and so.. I don't want to share the personal letter... especially before he reads it... especially considering I gave him this blog address at one point.. so he also may read this.... so I think its important to leave that to him to read personally, in hand writing... but I will share the last page with you... in the hopes that my insight for T. may also help you

 ******

Handwritten January 21, 2013

I've reread this letter so many times in the past few days - asking myself if I've shared all I need to. I know that this is the most vulnerable I have ever been... so I truly have given you my all.

I hope I offer you insight... I noticed with J. that I could tell him what his problems were- but he go frustrated in what to do about them, I'm worried I'm leaving everything to you and you may find it overwhelming - what you need to know.

1. You are allowed to be hurt an disappointed and angry about events in your life that hurt.

2. It is not your fault - life happens - I believe now that life give us the hardest things to accept to see if you can overcome them and really love yourself - its just life.

3. It takes a long time to heal - so don't beat yourself up on the path to wholeness.

4. You are a wonderful soul inside if you just let it out.

5. Accepting your life and not pushing your emotions away is the only answer - becoming crystallized through allowing yourself to let go - feel and heal - as you allow yourself to experience the pain, sorrow and frustration - the feelings will dissipate - and you will feel way stronger - recognizing what you have been through.

6. Forgive yourself and your loved ones for not knowing any better than you did. Life only teaches you so much and there's no sense being upset for not knowing any better.

7. You don't have to have all the answers - to simply live is the answer - loss of control = freedom = happiness even though when its happening it feels like the whole world is caving in.

8. The universe is conspiring for you - always - pushing you... you are never alone.

9. I will always love you. You make my heart skip a beat - and I've learned so much in the past 4 months- I came back to myself - because you gave me hope - you also being a complete mirror to me showed me how some of my behaviours impact my life - you are one of the greatest gifts of my life.

10. You are perfectly you. Your uniqueness - your flaws are what makes you so special - and honestly its what I value the most. You are human, flawed and perfect.

I'm sorry for not being able to give you what you wanted - but hopefully I gave you what you needed and helped you somehow along your journey.

with all my love
A.J

I carry you in my story - I'm going to change the world. You'll see. :)

***********

something shifted

So, I'm not sure what has changed or why... but I found that in the past 24 hours I have shifted into wanting, being ok with being alone.

T stopped responding to my texts. I found myself tip toeing around him again and it gave me an uncomfortable feeling.

JM came to visit me, and while he was here I didn't text T. During his visit, he was lovely but the sex wasn't comfortable for me. The first night all I could think of was that I wished it was T...which validated my feelings completely. The second night I found myself not orgasming, but close enough that emotions I was uncomfortable looking at bubbled to the surface.

I realized that I really want intimacy, that sex isn't fulfilling to me unless there is emotion and care behind it... and I need to feel safe and secure in order to be comfortable really enjoying myself.

and I saw how I cover up my feelings when I am with a man that cant offer me that.

and the third night the sex actually made me feel uncomfortable. I had been drawn to rough sex, controlling sex for a lot of my 20s. Thats the kind of sex I had with my ex C. especially after we broke up... I thought I wanted it... but during it I found myself losing myself in not caring. and after I felt wrong.

I felt as though he didn't care. I asked myself why this was going on for me and my answer was to see how I fall back into that pattern when I start treating myself the way I have been treated by others.

I saw that because T. had stopped responding again that I was feeling unloved and so I resorted to be trusty addiction of sex to cover up how I was feeling. I saw how easily I treat myself like a play thing, and subsequently how I get so dissapointed in men that I treat them the same way, not giving a shit.

After, we talked a little, and JM said something that was interesting... I said I felt like he didn't care and he said "this is me not caring?" it was a fair question... he had taken me to the movies, driven all the way up here and watched a couple of movies and cuddled with me.... so I had to sit with how I felt

after he left I texted T to see if he would be willing to spontaneously come over. no response

I ended up realizing that I am really scared to tell people the insight that I have into who they are and why they act the way they do.... but I looked at it and realized that if I am right, its my gift... I just rarely tell people what I see because I figure they can figure it out... but then it occured to me that its important, and maybe I have insight they don't have.

It occured to me that JM's fantasies that made me feel uncomfortable were maybe a result of wanting to control love. And as I was texting him that.... it occured to me that T. also is trying to control love in a different way... and really we all are. We are all trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt that we try and protect ourselves from love.... and the only way we know how to do that is through control.

The crazy thing about love is it can't be controlled. It comes and it goes.... and if we are to enjoy it we have to accept that it will leave, and be thankful for what it gave us.... be thankful for what that person gave us. ultimately its coming to peace with death.... but before that, its coming to terms with the end of things, with the loss of things.

So.... I ended up writing T a letter. It was all of my interpretation of what has gone on. I realized that I have to honour myself in knowing what I know.... and I felt like it would be great to share it with T, because I have been functioning on the premise that I am right about him.... but I really don't know... and maybe he doesn't even know... so if I shared theletter, maybe he would gain the insight he needs... and I would have confirmation that I DO know him as well as I think.... and that would also prove to him that I know him.

I think him responding and sharing that things weren't going very well for him gave me the proof I needed that he does trust me... and in what ever capacity he can, he loves me. If he didn't like me he would never have responded and he certainly wouldn't have shared so intimately.

So.... the letter came from the validation that how I felt was real.... that he felt it too... but that something happened to make him run away.

The next day I texted him to tell him about the letter and how scared  I was to share it with him, but felt like it may help to bring clarity and that maybe he could come over and I could share it. nothing

By the evening I felt like he needed a kick in the ass, like he had asked, and told him to find his balls and stop being so scared of life and be spontaneous and come over. NOTHING.

Last night I found myself feeling pretty upset that I had waited 3 months.... that T was finally willing to try to come back in mylife.... I supported him when he needed me.... and then I was relegated back to the corners of his life.... that he couldn't even respond pissed me off more than hurt.

I found myself realizing that I feel like I deserve more and that it makes me feel uncomfortable to want more, because its acknowledging that all that someone can give me isn't enough.... and I feel bad as though I am judging them. But I have to realize that I am as special and as wonderful as I am... and I really need to respect that.... and so I texted JM that I think we should stop what we were doing... that I didn't feel cared for during sex and that I should respect him enough to tell him its not working for me before he gets too attached.

I just feel like he is at a totally different space in his life. He doesn't believe in what I believe in, so there is no hope for a relationship, and if its just for sex... and I'm not feeling good about it... then there is no point.

I'll be honest, I have never been in that position before... having to respect that I knew first and to not drag it out. I also felt weird deciding that I wanted to give up sex.... for nothing.

but after I felt relieved.

Which lead me into how I ultimately feel about T.

this is the succession of texts I sent... and the evolution of my emotions.
***********
Jan 19. 9:49am

I had a moment of real clarity last night and realized that you and I both dont know if we are on the same page...If we are running at the same frequency....And I have spent three months analyzing you and myself trying to understant everything.

I realized I'm scared to share wh I have figured out about you...And so I found the courage to write you a letter with my interpretation of whats happened....And maybe whats going on with you now.

It occured to me that you may not even know and maybe I could offer insight. and help.

I know if I dont tell you now, I'll fold it up and keep it because it scares me so much to share my thoughts.

So I'm just going to tell you I have this letter. If you want to hear an objective opinion of you...

If I'm right it will offer you insight into things you may not have considered and if I'm wrong I really dont understand you and we really are on different frequencies.

Me wanting to see you has no hidden agenda. I just want to make peace and see if we can get along as friends.

I know I'm like this little tornado in your life where things feel like they are falling a part and that seeing me may feel unbearable when you are attempting to figure out everything else in your life....that you don't need me to add to everything but I think I can help if you let me.

I'm not going to mention this letter again. Its my gift if you'll let yoursel be vulnerable.... and let me be vulnerable...If you can try not to be so in control of everything... andd throw caution to the wind and see me....I can share it.

Its hand written because my computer wouldn't work and I fell asleep last night writing it.

To be honest right now I dont even know everything Ive written...and if I reread it...Ill be too scared to tell you....but I think...in my heart I may understand you better than you may think...and maybe I'm supposed to share it....Well thats what my heart is saying.

Do what scares you the most. this scares me the most....so Im going to find the courage to hit send. Before I wake up too much and rationalize away why it is rude to share my insight with you.....Accept this all sounds crazy....but hope I'm right that you may just understand  my unique craziness...And this is what you are looking for...But it would be impossible for you to ask.

My heart makes me do rediculously scary things like....

An idea of what I am alluding to? That I realized that when you met me I was like a little bomb went off in your already chaotic life and you just didn't know what to do with me....I triggered so  much in you that it was impossible to have me around because you were trying to keep everything else afloat.... And I threatened that. You didn't know how to not hurt me or yourself and maybe you still dont but you dont know how to express that... you want to have more stability and be happier before you see me... but maybe just maybe... seeing me is what might make you happier. If Im right.

If I'm wrong youll just continue to ignore me like youve been doing again since we started talking again... and Ill just sit here and wait for you to get the courage to tell me whats really going on with you.

*****

I'm going to have an anxiety attack sending that to you. I know its a lot and you told me not too much... but my heart said to tell you.. and I have to listen to it. sorry.
****

January 9,, 2013 1:53 pm

I dont know if you got that. But if you did its intense... I know I'm intense and scary... I just hope you can find your courage and see that I only have honourable good intentions. Be spontaneous. Cancel your plans and come over... see for yourself if what I have to say can help.. if who I am helps.. And if you feel better after seeing me. Please.

******

January 9. 5:22 pm.

K... well I live at ---- So if you can find your heart again... and stop having to control every little thing in your life for one night... then I am free tonight.

I have tutoring from 6-8 and then as far as I know I am free.

So find your balls. And just come have fun and stop making me have to tip toe around you like you are completely fragile. Own up to your heart. I promise itll be fun... no control= freedom=happiness

****

January 19. 8:38pm

Im picking up a bottle of wine and heading home. You going to stop being so scared of life and come?

****January 19. 8:53 pm.

you said you wanted a kick in the ass. This is it. I have nthing else.

*****
January 19 11:02 pm

If you are going to change anything in your life that isnt going well its going to require a huge leap of faith. Thats what your heart needs. A leap of faith.

***
I'm going to type up the letter and send it to you and when you are ready to leap and trust me and the feelings you feel about me... you can let me know.

****

January 20 11:57 am.

I think you treat strangers and people you dont like better than me. You trust me and yet you relegate me to the far corner of your life as though any more is threatening. I love you. But after the distance you created over the past two months.. I atleast deserved honesty and communication. I have earned your respect. In fact I would bet I have stuck by you and trusted you more than most people in your life. I cant believe I havent been able to get you to see your own worth and that there are far more important things to focus on besides the worries you obsess over.

My dad had a heart attack and 2 strokes last month, my friend's daghter dies and I have 40$ in my bank account right now and none of my family will help me out... and the man I feel most like ignores me like the plague. I have been struggling to get through my life... and school... believing its all happening as it should.. and you are focused on a woman who treats you like shit, a job that pays you well, money problems based on some crazy future notion.. and not now.. and your girls who are absolutely fine. If you just refocused your attention... you'd be fine. But I cant force you to be present and happy

****

January 10, 12:10pm

You should be thankful to have me. Not resentful. And its your choice. I think you actually enjoy being sad and feeling like no one loves you... case I'm here loving you and you want nothing to do with me. You make me crazy...you are the most stubborn man I have ever met!

And I think you feel like you are an enigma because you dont know what your heart wants... and if you do you get mad at yourself for wanting what you want... you dont trust yourself. Life isnt as aweful or as serious as you think. You are allowed to play and fall down and not have it all run smoothly. Its unpredictable.. and I think I finally understand why yo keep me at bay. Because you cant control me.. and you dont like anything you cant control.

*****

January 20. 12:30 pm

But your heart loves that I shake things up for you. Craves change.. I think I am your battle between your head and your heart. You dont have to know the future... jst let me hold your hand while you figre it out.

******

*****

and that's where we are. I am not upset.... I know that the past 3 months had to happen precisely as they did. I followed my heart right into knowing I truly deserve more. Before it was forced... before I was trying to convince myself... now I feel it.

I do love him.. and there is no judgment... there's no he's bad or I'm bad... its just I deserve more than hes giving me.

I felt like I deserved more after J. But this is the first time that I am truly choosing to be alone. Its a scary thought... but I can't think about for how long.. or if I am ever going to find him. I simply have to accept right now I no longer want to have men in my life that are going to disrespect me and not value my time or my love.

I have no idea what is going to happen. I had been feeling that the time for T and I wasn't right yet because power was unbalanced... and becase of his behaviours I hadn't been able to be insecure.... that I needed to feel safe before anything could happen... and I didn't.... and don't.

I think that when I get to the point of wanting to leave its usually becase I'm angry, which causes me to push and pull myself from wanting nothing.. to wanting everything... instead of just letting go of trying to control anything.... I think I may have just found my balance.

I knew I couldn't be in a relationship again until I was ready to let them go if they did not treat me properly.. and I think I may have just arrived there.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I wanted to leave J. And I knew that I would have to learn how to cut that time. I thought when I met T... and we subsequently had our issues that I would be able to walk away.. but I just couldn't. Clearly becase I had yet to go through everything I did this fall... and get to the point where I really do believe I am a huge catch.. and value myself enough... know myself well enough, to want what I want and make no appologies for it..... its been a long road.... but I think I may just be getting to the end.... where I can deal with conflict from an objective stand point.. based purely on being present and aware to what is going on... not making any judgments and letting it go the way its going to go.

Like Osho says - the watercourse way.... no competition.. always take the lowest ground.... also known as the path of least resistance.

The other trick I'm finding is it comes from my heart.. not my head. This is not a rationalized slew of texts.... its what my heart was saying... feeling.. in the moment. That I want to be treated better by the man I love.

So we'll see :)
night.

My truth

I cannot write fast enough. I know that how I am feeling right now is my authentic self speaking... just like every other time I have written in here. It comes from my heart, from my spirit, and the relief I feel about letting these emotions come to the surface is a glimpse of the fear and the freedom.

I have been scared of my own truth. I have been scared that my truth is tainted, that it isn't the truth and so I have kept silent in so many ways. Perhaps that is why this blog has been so theraputic. Because I talk about all the parts of me that I can sometimes be fearful of sharing.

I am realizing on this very day, that I have been protecting people from themselves. I carry that burden... why? I think maybe because I don't think they are strong enough.... that they don't see, so how am I supposed to tell them?

I also see I have been scared of telling people my truth because I am scared to lose them.

I finally have someone who has been through a loss as great as mine, and instead of trying to move on and suppress her feelings, she is embracing them. I am teaching her, guiding her through 10 years of my own personal suffering, encouraging her to deal and accept her emotions in a way no one knew how to do for me... and I am finding solace, I am finding peace... and I am finding family.

In her heart she is me. Her daughter died at 20 and my mother died when I was 20 and so we are living the same experience from two different sides of the coin.

and I won't let her make the same mistakes I did.

I was young. I was scared... I didn't know any better, but now I do... and I am attempting to find the courage in me to speak my authentic truth.

I have wondered why I have supressed these emotions for so long, and the truth is that I have known that I could not speak until my emotions could be handled... until I could speak to the facts and not get caught up in my own experience of them... I knew I had to get to a point where I forgave everyone, before I spoke, so that it wouldn't be vindictive.... it was simply the truth... and I feel like I am finally coming into that space....

I love my life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without having struggled... and so the result is that I know that you have to struggle to grow, you have to face your fears to grow... you have to look at yourself and be honest with yourself in order to grow.

and so I have to let go of the burden of trying to save people. I have wanted to love people so they can see they are lovable, but what I see now, is that I am not loving myself because I am supressing myself. I am not loving them because I do not trust they know what's best for them.

So I vow. To find the strength to tell people the truth. Without judgement.... so they can find themselves...

I just wrote this:

Lol. Ya im feeling the same way. Its scaring the shit out of me but I have been feeling it for a very long time.. But I was scared. I was scared id be all alone in the world if I stood up for myself. But with you, and Carissa and my mom in my heart. I have true family. I know im not alone anymore. And the truth is the most important thing. I understand why people make the decisions they do... But they are oblivious to it. My compassion is so deep that I forgive people... But the time is coming for me to step into who I am and open peoples eyes to the truth of their own character. No judgment... just truth. Freedom from suppression... From putting myself in this box my whole life. for everyone who ever took advantage of my kindness. I am coming of age. And the whole world is going to know how you have treated me. So if you have any regrets. My advice. Come clean. Heal. Admit your wrong doings..  the legacy you leave will be my voice. I will always love you. I see in your heart you dont love yourself thats why you have behaved the way you have... Because how we treat others is the way we treat ourselves. Be honest with yourself. I love you even though youve hurt me. You are lovable... But you have to know who you really are to change... And ive been protecting you from yourselves for too long. I cant do it anymore. You create your own life. No wonder ive been struggling for my entire adult life... Ive been holding on to your shit... Im releasing myself from having to navigate you. you have to be  authentic with yourself and with me.its the only way to self love.
Ah I cant wait for the courage. I am no longer going to hold on to anything. I release you from me....into your own being... Into yourselves because I cant save you. You have to save yourselves.
Xoxoxo

*****************************

I've been thinking lately about my future in public speaking, and I have been scared that if I speak the truth about my family I am going to hurt them the way they hurt me..... I have even been thinking I am going to have to not talk about my whole experience because I don't want to hurt them... and now I am seeing, I have to free myself from that burden. I have to free myself from trying to control the situation and find love. That I have love inside of me... I know I am loved, and I can no longer protect people from themselves.

So many people have hurt me.... and they need to know. Not that I need or want anything from them... but that they need to hear the trith of themselves.. and I need to let go controlling myself.

The world can handle my sadness. I have to believe that my truth is the only way to set myself free, and the people I tell, can either embrace the truth and change, or stay the same and suffer. That is their choice. But no longer my own.

I am so scared, and so I know its the right thing to do.

******************************************************************


I have thought I was selfish because of money, but now I see it is not money I was ever after, I was after support to go after my dreams, and there is no shame in that. I have to believe that morlity comes from intention, not outcome... and if the intention is out of love it has to be true.

I have hurt a lot, I have been rejected a lot... and I have been scared to be rejected and hurt again... but through this whole experience I am starting to see that no one could hurt me as deeply as my mother dying, as being hit by the man I love, by having my family not support me when my mother died.... that I have been scared to be hurt because I hadn't dealt with the pain of all of things... and now that I am.... now that I have come to peace with so much in my life.. now that they no longer trigger me to hate my life and hate myself... I am left with truth.

I love people. I love people even when they go on hurting me. I had to forgive them, and myself for not knowing any better, but the little girl inside of me is screaming to be taken care of.. and I am finally coming to the age where I am mature enough to stop taking things personally...accept my life for the beauty it is... and without any pain, share my story.

To my step father:

I have been terrified to write this letter to you for 10 years. I have always been scared to lose you.. you were/are a staple in my life, and its hard to imagine life without you... but I am finally at a point where my truth speaks louder than my fear. My love for myself speaks louder than anything else...and so I am letting go of having to control the outcome of this experience. I have to be true.

I love you. I always have and I always will.

I have felt hurt beyond measure as a result of many of your actions.
I have wanted to be loved so badly that I try and pretend our history has not happened.
I want to be whole and in love with myself.... and so the time has come for me to find the courage to admit my own experience.

You came into my life at a critical moment, and I will forever be thankful for what you did for my mother and I. I have felt in debt to you for taking care of my mother while she died, when I was not emotionally, spiritually or monetarily available to handle the situation.

I have come to terms with my mothers death, along with everything else in my life and as a result I am finally seeing everything in a new light. From truth, not from judgement. Not from pain, but from light.

Everything has happened just as it should. I am not angry. I simply have to be authentic with myself. I now can see I have been protecting myself from more hurt, and protecting you from yourself.... and I can no longer assume that you are too fragile to handle it.

I do not know what will come from this letter. I am not cutting you out, but I am also not going to continue to make an effort when I feel the effort has never been reciprocated.

I believe my mother died because she got off her path.... I have analyzed it and sought truth for 10 years.. I know my mother could have survived but she would have had to have found her own truth, and she was too scared to do that...and so, as death is so dramatic, the stop watch was reset and I have been given the gift of knowledge from my mother and my own life. .. the knowledge that if you don't deal with your shit you get sick.

I refuse to die young... I am scared of the person I am meant to be... but I have to find the courage to embrace my truth... and become everything I was born to be.

****

something came up.. I'll have to finish this some other time.