Christmas.

Oh Christmas... the holiday every year that reminds me how alone I am in the world.... well... I guess that's what it has felt like every year since my mother died.

Every year I try to come up with the most entertaining thing to do so I don't really feel. I distract myself.... trying so desperately to do anything but think of my mom not being here.

The first year I went back to the farm and tried to spend Christmas with my step dad's family and it was suffocatingly difficult. The next year I did the same but this time my ex was with me which made it tolerable... and the next year I went to his, because I just couldn't spend Christmas with that family again. The next year I went to my brother's. And the next year I was in Korea.. and the following I spent it again at my brother's. This year. This year I am spending it at home. I am not going anywhere... I am not making a big deal of it... I am just experiencing a christmas at my own place.. with no drama.

It's the first year I don't feel sorry for myself. Its the first year that I am starting to see just how wonderful the people in my life are... the people that are concerned for my welbeing. I have been asked where I am going to spend Christmas by numerous people offering me the chance to come to their house.. inviting me to spend Christmas with them. I am so blessed.

Perhaps tomorrow I may have a cry about what I have lost... what I no longer have... but I know I will spend the majority of the day being ok.

Its an interesting feeling free of the intense heaviness in my chest I have felt for years... its amazing to be free from the prison of self pity I have been inside of for years.... it actually feels amazing to let myself be ok without my family... no more guilt. I have accepted what my life is... and I feel euphoric.

The more you think that your life should be different, the more you tell yourself that you aren't good enough, that you should have done that... or this... the more you beat yourself down.... the heaviness grows. The more you embrace it and love every single moment of your life... the more you tell yourself "you've done all you knew how to do. and you did an awesome job.... look!"  the heaviness dispurses. The heaviness lightens....

Who knew?

There's no reason to feel guilty... there's no reason to feel like anything tragic is your fault. life happens... its what you do with life that is the question.

You know when you feel so sad.... and you just wish there was something. ANYTHING to make you not feel what you are feeling? the answer is this.
let it go.