finding fun...

So I'll tell you what happened  with my ex just after I share what brought me here in the first place.

Basically during me trying to change I have constantly asked myself what do you find fun?? I never have an answer and so it has appeared to me that I don't really do anything for fun.... in contemplating why? what caused me not to do anything that makes me happy? I must have done things that were fun when I was little right? isn't that all you do as a kid? find things that make you smile? laugh? be happy? isn't that your goal in any extra free time as a kid? So what did I do as a kid that made me really happy?

Forever I have tried to remember what it was I did as a kid that just made me so happy... one day I remembered that I really liked being in the wood shop at school. I was in there any time I could be... I loved making things, creating something out of a piece of wood....

I remember thinking it was sooo cool that with a chisel you could put dove tails in the end of a piece of wood and have it "lock" I would think... "you mean I can make things? with my own hands? I don't have to pay for it?

It was an awesome feeling to realize that with a few tools you could create tables, candlesticks, jewelery boxes, board games....  and then when I got out of school I couldn't do it anymore... so I forgot about that feelings, that awesome, satisfying feeling. 

So I started asking myself again... what else did you do as a kid that made you most happy? I would ask that all the time... finally one day I remembered horseback riding. I remembered going out to the farm whenever I could.. I just wanted to be with those horses. I loved just chilling out with them... I would go to the barn and just chill out with them... it never bothered me to clean out the barn, or clean out their shoes... it wasn't uncomfortable, or a chore... it was enjoyable for me... because I knew that if I took care of these beautiful animals they would let me ride them in the future... and being on top of a horse there's no better feeling... when this majestic animal gallops under your body, and all you feel is the air in your hair. When you have trust in another creature, it grounds you in a way you will never beat. you feel connected deeply connected to another creature.

Then as I got older I stopped going.. I'm not sure why, I think it was partially money, and partially me convincing myself that horses were for kids.... that i would be judged if I still rode horses in high school.. it was a weird transition for me... I'm not exactly sure what caused this shift in me.... but it happened, and I haven't been on a horse in years and years.

So I've been asking myself again.. what else? I mean shop class and the horses maybe took up 7 hours a week of my life... what else did I do????

Then I remembered I used to dance.... I danced all the time. It was the happiest I've ever felt.... just dancing across a floor... flying through the air.. just because you could. I remember the dancing bars around the room and I would play on them forever... I would hold on and flip myself upside down.. it was sooo much fun being upside down, doing pirouettes(which is just spinning, in a very elegant way) and plies(bending at the knees, just in the most magical way possible)

Dancing was my life...

and then my mother no longer had enough money. and I had to quit. The one thing I loved more than anything in the world.. I stopped.

At about 11 I had so much more time on my hands, after school, on weekends... I used to dance 14 hours a week... so now besides school I really didn't have anything to do... I was bored out of my mind. I didn't really have many friends... and so what did I do then???

Well righrt now I just ended up deciding I was going to make my friends Christmas presents, because I don't have any money and wasn't going to give any presents this year... but then I remembered I had all the supplies to make these butterfly mobiles I've been thinking about making in the past few months.... so anyways, I finally decided today was the day that I was going to make these mobiles. So I sit down, turned on music and begun the process of turning nothing into something. pieces of paper, string, glue, and sticks... into something a friend would want to hang up in their house...

as I was doing it, I rememebered that this is what I used to do.. when I couldn't do anything else because it cost too much money, it required a horse, or expensive machinery.... arts and crafts is what I did, because you could actually make something out of nothing... and that was magical.

So anyways, I really needed to write this down because I knew I would forget how this feels.... in a week or two I will convince myself that its childish and silly, and won't come back to it.... but I wanted to remind myself that in fact this is awesome... and it's not childish.. its ACTUALLY FUN.... so when I feel like crap cause there's nothing that is making me happy... maybe, hopefully I will come back to this... read it and remember that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me, and start embracing more things that I love back into my life.. and then maybe, hopefully I will be able to one day have enough fun in my life where I don't require going for a drink or watching TV.. that I have so much IN MY LIFe that makes me happy and hopefully then I can have the life I love.... because I just do what's fun.. and let go of all the rest....

fingers are crossed.
A