My step brothers post about my step fathers new book showed up.
To put it into context I do not check FB regularly. Maybe a little bit more frequently in the past month. But over the past few years I have gone months without checking or posting. Mostly because so often I scroll through these people I have loved for years and their page says such hateful things - such ignorant and to be honest threatening and terrifying beliefs.
I tell myself to not be afraid. That it's a reflection of their inner dialogue and not mine.... But then the fear comes from those delusions continuing to play out on a mass scale and us finding ourselves in despair where people are being murdered for living a different path.
Us humans are so threatened. So fearful.
I stay on Facebook because I don't want to cancel me. Ive been posting more often lately so these people don't forget their humanity - that I am here. Trying to enjoy my life no matter how many limitations, no matter how many threats and insensitive comments - no matter how much you think I am wrong or are threatened by my position I know this is my cross. I know this is where I will die.
That my children will not grow up in a world where they don't have choice over what goes in their body. Full stop.
What a reentry. Perhaps that's why it lead me back here. My anonymous space where it's not the lighting or my face, not my voice or whether there is food in my teeth. That it's just me and the keyboard. Me and my internal thoughts.
It's been a long time.
I turned 39 last week and I have been struggling. Struggling with a variety of things but I have an inclining it's all rooted in the same thing all showing itself in all the different ways this one aspect of me manifests.
A lady last week sent me a DM mentioning that she noticed I have a line between my eyebrows that goes up... She mentioned she had been studying Chinese facial lines and that this was a block of power and manifestation. My left shoulder behind my scapula and up my neck now further down my spine and tonight in my upper hips I feel tight. Like I am paralyzed. Lactic acid build up.
I am avoiding me and I am coming home to me all at the same time.
Last Thursday I found myself so upset and judgemental about what's going on in my business - a similar pattern playing out - and then with a specific person who publicly tried shaming me and I didn't know how to respond.
Then thursday night james woke me up to share this Archer talking about climate change and how her prediction is Germany was going to run out of natural gas by Feb because of all their climate agreements... And the people would be left without heat.
Then I went and checked my phone to my one core creator responding on my behalf to the comment I didn't have the capacity to address. - I felt in that moment I needed to respond. That it was too harsh - that I really hated this was going on in a public format - that I was annoyed this lady who keeps saying she wants to help is being more and more a bother... And how do I handle ppl who arent vibing with me?
I started telling James hoping he would have insight and instead of waiting until the end of the story he started behaving like the woman - I felt attacked and misunderstood - and the fight wasn't going anywhere.... And so I had to sit with it. This feeling of wanting to escape and having no where to go...
The next day, Friday, I spent the day in quiet researching the line on my for head - the pain in my shoulders and what the fuck was happening in my business and my relationship.
The line in the forehead is called the suspended needle/dagger/sword. 😳
And signifies a breakdown in masculine energy Qi. That it can tend to happen if being cut off from a father or not having a father figure - not being connected to the masculine energy and not knowing where to focus it.
Shoulders grief and anger
Feelings that I hate - anger, frustration feeling attacked.
I always feel like I'm under attack.
I am. Always on the defense.
I am trying to observe my anger that i become most productive when I feel like I have nothing to do/no where to go.. but clean. Trapped-- lash out- production
I've been trying to encourage myself to start using that anger - for things I like. James bought me a practice bow last month. And a real bow for my birthday that has yet to arrive. So on Saturday along with the research I went out and shot the bow a few times.
Then on Saturday I went to the small little rainy rally and handed out stickers.
I ended up going to the mall for the first time in years and got 2 new oracle decks and some books for the kids for Christmas.
I tried to talk to James that morning about what had happened but nothing. He didn't even react and ended up leaving the conversation... More of the same feeling... So what is it? What do I feel?
James went back to work today. It was a good day. I was kind with myself and the kids... And we ended up going for a walk and to the park for an hour before picking him up at work. It's amazing what a walk in the forest can do for my spirits... And yet... I still find it hard to get myself there.
There was a call tonight, like every Monday night. And only Beccie was there. Another layer of the same feeling but this time I just talked to her... She had been there on the phone the night james and I had our fight... She had been there the night of the comment. She had been there the night the initial drama and the 2nd drama happened.... So we just chatted for an hour... About this pattern and it's connection to masculine energy and anger and redirection -
How I feel that I am coming to a place where I have to become the light and step into my stability so that I may create that with others.... To not allow the energy and ebb and flow of others to hinder my trajectory.... To be productive instead of paralyzed... And that there is a lesson here that I can't see yet... But its coming.
Then tonight.... I came across my step brothers post that my step dad's new book came out.
😲😳
Am I more scared to be in it or not?
Am I more afraid that i am not and never was anything significant? Am I afraid of who he thinks I am vs who I am and that I don't meet the cut and will therefor be interpreted for the world to judge me - from my step fathers 82 year old perception?
I spent most of my time after my mom. Died typing up a beautiful book he had written while my mom was sick. It told the story of him and us. It was beautiful.... And then something happened. It ceased to exist...
Years later my friend offered to help get his book published. I suggested it and was immediately reacted to with aggression - defense as though I had done something bad and was pressuring.
5 years later my step siblings would help him get it done.
I read the book when my daughter was 1.
I wasn't in the book - my mother was not in the book minus a sentence that read something like his second wife also died from the cancer they created 😳😲ðŸ˜
So now what? What is this lesson? Maybe it's that I am written in this book and I am a horrible person and that I have to really surrender to any fears I have of outing these people that played such a significant role in my life and yet have completely abandoned me - ostricized - criticized - judged - felt burdened by...
That I owe no one anything and that it is time to come back to my words. To these pages. Of the life I once lived. The single free heart I had... And that I have always been on this path of love and hope.
And that the universe is conspiring in my favor. And one day this struggle will all be in the past - a distant memory.
I have to clear my phone because kindle won't download to read the book. I'll try if not I'll have to order a paperback. I feel like I am on the presupice of being hurt one last time. But then.... I need to rip the Band-Aid off and accept what ever comes from this maybe it's exactly what I need.
November 30, 2021 10:57PM PST
