Day 36.... getting confronted.

So....

The whole looking up, seeing the sky, and trying to figure out if you want to go back under, or step out into the light... the problem is that most of the world is still under the water, supressed, addicted, controlled, and seeing it is terrrifying because it means you have to take responsibility and partake in the game of life... and help... wherever you can.

Today I was totally confronted.

I have a prof who is an awesome professor, in that he is a really good teacher, he knows how to explain things in a way that people can get it... but if people are talking he totally singles them out, and humiliates them. It makes me pretty angry.

I mean, I get it, they are disturbing him, and the class, but most of the time it happens right after he talks about something  a little confusing, so everyone sort of turns to the person next to them and asks what the fuck...

but god forbid he looks at you when you do that... he will stop everything he's doing and single you out... and it bothers me so much...

So for the past few classes I have seen him do this, and I have this feeling deep inside me that knows I have to speak up, but I am so confronted by that. Today I chose not to say something because I knew it would come from a place of complete emotion and not be powerful... but it scares the shit out of me that I have to say something... that I have to start training myself to stand up for people, or how the hell am I ever going to change the world, if I can't even stand up to my prof?

The weirdest thing is that I am reading this book called Wheels of LIfe by Anodea Judith. I just so happened to be starting the chapter on the 3rd chakra today, and it totally freaked me out because it was talking about how the 3rd is linked to will, power and self esteem, and how we are all raised and conditioned to not speak out, to be compliant.... and man am I ever feeling it, and its terrifying me that I ACTUALLY have to speak out for me to be the person I want to be.

Another thing I am realizing is my triggers for wanting to smoke and drink. Basically when I feel that its all just too big for my little mind and body to grasp I want to smoke.... I want to drink it away because its just too overwhelming....

I want to remain small so I don't have to be responsible for the future of the world... that's a pretty big and daunting task.

going to sleep.