So, for years and years I have been telling myself that I will lose weight.. get healthy. And days pass, weeks pass, months pass, years pass. So here I am, 27 and still with the health issues I have always had, well atleast in my adult life.
I decided this fall to pursue a career in Naturopathic Medicine. For many reasons, but one reason is because it feels right in my bones... my apprehention, besides money and time lay in the idea that I am not that person yet, I smoke, I drink, I'm overweight, I still have one night stands from time to time....
But.. I realized that in becoming a Naturopath, I would become the person I want to be....
So, I've been back in school now for 4 months... the 4 months were a complete roller coaster ride, from freaking out and feeling overwhelmed, to getting 95 on a Chemistry midterm and feeling like a superstar! I've battled with all my issues over the past 4 months, from lonliness, missing mom, missing my ex cause I am back in the town that we lived in together and the last time I was here was when I found out he was cheating on me and packed up all my shit...
I've spent nights, drunk, stoned, morrnings in bed with complete strangers, have had amazing conversations, and not so amazing conversations, and have been surprised by many of the kids I go to school with.
In the past 4 months I think I have finally started to put to rest many of my demons... like a purge.
Which leads me to this week.
I've been telling myself for years that I am going to change... do a cleanse, and quit smoking, and every time I plan on it, something comes up.. my girlfriends are going out for a big celebration, its a long weekend, its my birthday, its a holiday... there's always an excuse and so I put it off...
With smoking... I told my cousin that smoking was like a crutch for me...like my legs had been broken, and smoking supported me... I started when I was 16 to fit in... to have friends, to be able to make friends, and it has served me well, I have met so many people standing outside having a smoke, asking for a light, or just starting random conversation.... they were my crutches, like so many of my vices are... they are a way for me to feel like I belong.
And so now, at 27 my legs have healed, I am strong and confident...but I`ve been walking with these crutches for so long, that I`m not confident enough to walk on my own 2 legs... until this week...
On Friday I said... if someday... why not today?
I have this vision of myself.. for the first time.. I can actually see myself as this thin, strong, beautiful woman inspiring people by who I am just BEING.
So it's day 5. No alcohol, No wheat, No dairy, No gluten, no sugar... for 21 days.
As for smoking, I've been cutting down over the past 4 days, and yesterday I had 1..... so today is the first day I am going to try to go the entire day without a smoke.
Everytime I feel like this is too much, or want to say that its hard... I say to myself... "you are in charge.. you get to decide.. it's your life, either you make it easy or you make it difficult, which one is it going to be?"
I really believe that my weight and health is at the crux of my issues.. that I've been unhealthy because I've had low self esteem, and I have had low self esteem because I've been unhealthy. So now that I have built up enough self esteem to get me through, I can tackle the weight... which I am sure will just add to my self esteem. I feel so good right now, tackling this... finally!
On Saturday I went to the gym, and I was 211 lbs. ... my goal is 160lbs
So I'll hopefully write on here and talk about what I'm going through... the journey that is the new A.
crazy!!
