the newest personal realization....

So.. I'll fill you in on what happened with the whole drama around my ex.

I realized that I don't want any more drama in my life.. and that I was done. That I finally wanted to move on.. FINALLY after 7 years of constant drama, never feeling adequate, impossibly frustrated... I have finally given up trying to make that relationship work.. to do the right thing... I don't want any more..

so I chose that its not my fight.. its not my business and I want nothing to do with it... or him. ever again. So.. I deleted him from facebook... and while I was writing this I finally blocked him. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to a point in my life where I felt strong enough to move on...

Its interesting this whole growing up thing...

I've been thinking alot lately about who we get advice from, where wee find information on relationships.. its all just hear say... what worked, what didn't work for people.. but no one really knows... so how do they know that what I do and who I am isn't good enough.

I have decided that I will never settle. I will never be in an unloved relationship, just for the sake of the relationship.

I am finally admitting to myself that I am a hopeless romantic... and with that romance comes a sense of wanting to find someone that I can be with... 100% of myself.

In this process though.. there are certain things that I am having to learn that don't work for me.. and I don't want to be... tis process is sooo important because its learning what workd and what doesnt.... what makes me unique but isn't retarded... like the drama thing.. I don't want to be dramatic anymore... the lut thing has certainly held me back.. and the taking life too seriously sometimes... that also holds me back.

I know for sure that I take what I think everyone else thinks of me too seriously.. and I can't laugh at myself often enough...

But the parts that I love about myself... I need to remind myself everyday that those parts of me make me unique... and the right person for me is just going to love those things about me... no questions asked.

So, maybe is a good time to write down what I love about myself.

I love how many questions I ask... I just want to know... but I'm bad at finding the  information on my own.. I much prefer having conversations with people and having the information passed on to me like that...

I like that I can get really really excited about things... like a 5 year old. I love that I still love my birthday...

I love that I love the little things in life like the stars, walks, fireflies, anything that flies in fact.. I am still in awe like a kid is... I am not desensitized to the world around me... everyday I am astonished with how remarkable this world is.. and I love that I haven't lost that wide eyed behaviour.

I love how honest I am, how sincere I am. I love that I don't judge the people that I love... I love that I am the kind of friend that my friends feel they can tell their deepest darkest secrets to, and trust that I will have an opinion that comes from a very loving, non-judgemental place. That's what makes me happiest.. that despite all my retardedness, and my insecurities and craziness, I still have friends that will ask my advice and tell me their most personal things.... because that has to be some form of evidence to the person I am..

So I hope that I can keep my conviction to maintain the awesome parts of me... and let go of the not so productive parts of me... and stay authentic in order to find a man that loves me for everything I am and everything I am not.

I think that at the beginning of relationships we get so scared about not being th eright person for someone we like... that we start sanitizing ourselves... we put on this show of the person we so desperately want to be... nstead of just being ourselves and letting the other person decide for themselves... my biggest problem is I know this.. and yet I still do it.. and when the person doesn't like me... I totally take it personally instead of thinking that they are not good for me... and thank god we figured it out so we could get on with looking for the next person.

OOf course I know there is a balance, and you need to be open minded to people, and not leave them in little boxes... but really... there are the fundamental ways of being that are sooo important.... and communication is paramount.... I need to have someone who is 100% willing to talk... communicate about what they are thinking, and be open to hear what I am thinking.. cause that's the only way you can learn.. and grow, if the other person is completely open and honest.

So that's my piece for today.

Tonight my room mate invited me to get hotchocolate and walk around the park with all the lights... it was AWESOME. We ended up talking to this older gentleman who was volunteering.. and I asked him if there was a story.. and he said yes.. and told us about how the light show came into being 12 years ago... he then talked about how the city I am in was planned out... and told me that the royal winter fair started here....

It was awesome. and I love that I am the kind of person that would ask that question.