Day 36 - what I was REALLY feeling.

If you have been on any spiritual journey, addictions are usually referred to as the things that you do to prevent yourself from feeling what you REALLY feel inside.

I have been very aware of this, and have been wondering what could be sooooo bad that I have to use alcohol, smokes, sex, abuse, to cover it up... what could possibly be worse than all this??

Well I am in the process of seeing it for the first time as an adult, and I'm starting to realize why I was so scared to feel it....


The funny thing in doing all those things, I totally fell into the trap so many of us do, forgetting that we chose the trap too.

Basically I am realizing how sad the world is.

When you start really getting connected with yourself, all the injustice in the world, ACTUALLY hurts inside, compassion arises, and it is physically and emotionally painful to realize how dysfunctional the world REALLY is.

When you kill your intuition with alcohol, sex, drugs, drama, abuse.... stupid shit, you don't have the time to connect with the rest of the world and so don't feel how awful it feels.

I dare you, stop every addiction you have.... for  6 months... and you will finally get connected.

All each one of us wants is to be connected, and yet all we have to do is stop our addictions and allow ourselves to get connected, the problem is, that it is PAINFUL. I will be straight with you...

when you wake up and REALLY get how many people are killing themselves, killing others... how more than half the population of the world believes in a FREAKING MAN IN THE SKY!.... that people ACTUALLY believe that when they die they could go to an eternal inferno.... how unbelievably sad that is... IMAGINE? living your whole life scared. terrified of judgment.... how awful that would be.

I am in this state of clarity that is so confronting....
the question... do I take it on, do I accept and try to help, or do I follow the pack?

Its like coming up for air and seeing the sky for the very first time, and realizing you don't have to live in the water anymore.... but almost all the people you know, and love are still living in the water.... what would you choose????


What I have realized?

I was killing myself, I was slowly murdering myself, suffocating myself, restricting myself. I was ACTUALLY killing myself. I used men to beat me, leave scars on my soul. I used cigarettes to suffocate myself, I used food to make me lethargic, sucking the life out of me. I used sex to suck any-other part of love and life out of me... because the gravity of the situation is so severe I didn't think I could handle it... and to be quite frank, I am not sure if I can.

Here's what I believe.
I believe in Love.
I believe in science
I believe what lies between the atoms of our cells, of our bodies, of our surroundings, of the earth, the air, the animals, of cities, of EVERYTHING... is energy.
Any physicist will tell you that is the case, whether you want to believe him or not, it is the truth.

and if everything is PRIMARILY empty space, and in that empty space energy exists.... then energy exists in us all, we are all energy... we are all part of the same thing. There's no way we can be separate.... I need you, you need me. That's it.

And the only way I can be healthy, is if you are healthy... and the only way you can be healthy is if I am healthy... why are so many of us so fucked up? Cause our parents were fucked up... and why were they fucked up? cause their parents were fucked up...

We've been trying to figure out the answer... that's why all these creation myths and crazy ideas get created, because we are LOOKING for the truth.... and we can't explain it, so we have to invent concepts to try and explain it..... the truth is just LOVE. that's it. nothing more.

You have to love yourself.

you have to give up all the stupid shit in your life, that you think you will die without... and you have to respect, and honour YOURSELF. you have to follow your dreams... and you have to LOVE your children. YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN LOVE THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.

Its a false concept that you are too old to go do something you love... who told you that?
The world is fucked up... the question is are you going to join and play? or are you going to hide beneath the sheets... the sun is out... come play with me!!