Day 10/morning of day 11

So I spent the day studying for midterms tomorrow... I finally went to bed at about 3:30, and laying here I was overcome with sadness.

I started thinking about how my aunt had invited me to her house for christmas this year and I totally brushed her off. Its been bothering me ever since... and as I was laying here I started to think about Christmas, and asked myself why I don't want to go to her house... and I realize that it scares me.

I have always spent Christmases with people that are busy, or don't celebrate, or on the other side of the world. Because spending it quiet would have me accept that my mother is dead, and that my step father doesn't want me around and well, that's just too much on a day where you are supposed to be happy, and share that with the people you love.

I realized that spending the day with my aunt and uncle would be quiet, and knowing how I can be sometimes... I can see me not even getting out of bed.... being mopey and withdrawn, so not to bother them... if I'm with friends, or a family with kids, I don't have the time to really feel that sadness...

As I was thinking about it... I started to cry.... and my thoughts started rolling into themselves, and I realized how utterly angry at my mother I am. By not writing me in the will she basically made me question her love for me... and evidently other people's faith in that too... so much so that my step father believes it so strongly that we've been fighting for years.

In my heart I know that its not true, and that she did love me.... but actions speak louder than words... and her actions paint a very different picture. She wrote everyone else in our immediate family, but me... she made provisions for my step father, for him and his children, for their children... but not for me.... and I'm desperately hurt by that...

It's weird growing up with a mother that dotes on you so much that you have to tell her to leave you alone as a teenager.. and then have her do something so out of character....

I am thinking now that there was part of me that bought that she didn't love me... that I wasn't worth loving... and if my mother didn't love me... then really? who would ever love me... and that it occured to me that I have been punishing myself ever since... hoping desperately that someone would love me and make all the pain go away.

Starting to love myself... I realize that it was bullshit that was sold to me and I bought into it... and I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to forgive her for that... and forgive myself for that matter.... punishing myself for not being good enough... and trying desperately to prove that I am worth loving.... how tangled it all is.....

I'm not ready to forgive her for that... and how sad it makes me that we can't talk about it.