The incontestable truth is that I play my life small. That I find everything I can to over analyze and dramatize. I am not connected to my body, I am only connected to my head. I do not really reflect on the consequences of my behavior and therefor have no ability to learn from my mistakes. I don't want to admit that I have been steering this ship, called my body, my life, off course for quite sometime. I don't want to admit that I am completely responsible for ALL the hardships in my life.
I have not been happy.... because I CHOOSE to make all these stupid things into really huge problems, when all they are are stupid shit. We distract ourselves from the truth.
I am going through this crazy stage where everything is starting to makes sense, I am so aware of how I have been living my life and I am so clear about how to change that and it scares the freaking shit out of me.
I am finally internalizing all the things that I have been thinking for years... I am finally bringing my thoughts back into my body and ACTUALLY FEELING those thoughts.... getting connected with the impact of those thoughts, and recognizing where I need to change things in order to have the life I want.
I need to go back to how I was as a child, loving life, happy, inspired, caring, and thoughtful.
Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time.... there were a few reasons for this, but specifically I went to my uncle's 60th birthday party... and I was a different person, I took care of people, I was bubbly and excited, and happy...
I made sure that the girls in the back got the food that we had for the buffet. They loved me, because I took care of them, for no other reason that they felt noticed and cared for. and I did that with my family and they opened up to me.
I told my uncle John that once in his life he will be able to think of me and not think of drama. I promised him that.... you should have seen the look on his face! When you say something that you aren't totally sure if its what people think about you, and you say it, and they agree its the most liberating and unbalancing thing you can do.
He doesn't believe me. He thinks that forever I will be a dramatic person... he doesn't believe me, because he has no reason to believe me. I have never done anything to demonstrate that I am capable of such an undertaking.
I am so clear right now that I have to make these huge shifts in my life or I won't be able to be a Naturopathic doctor. It just won't be possible. I have to change everything about me, and I am scared to death of the responsibility that comes with that.
I have to quit smoking
I have to take care of myself, my household and my body.
What this means is I have to really put time out to do the things I love, to cook and eat healthy food, to really start relating to myself.
I have to radiate outwardly the changes on the inside. And unless I am willing to do this NOW, I won't ever become a Naturopath. It just won't happen. It's that simple.
Love yourself, or you are going to miserable. finish. STOP. end of sentence.
there's no way of getting around it. You just have to love yourself, and take care of yourself.
I am so freaking clear about everything right now and I am sooo scared that this clarity is going to go away, and I am going to be stuck behind all of the shit again!
I'll write more later, I have to head home!!!
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