It's an amazing thing the journey into motherhood. Growing slowly into an entirely new human. To spend so many years where I was my sole responsibility and so many years having no one to answer to or be responsible for... 33 years... 13 years without my own mother... And here I am. 10.5 months in and we just found out we are having another.
It's interesting our culture teaches you to not share the news so that it's easier on you if you have a miscarriage. The last pregnancy I told everyone almost right away... I knew if I lost the baby it would be devastating and therefore I chose to share the journey... No matter how it turned out.
Now, 20 months since we found out the first time...we have a beautiful, happy little girl that every day I grow more in love with.
I tell people you grow into life with your kid. Its little steps into being the parent you want to be and the most important thing to be is kind to yourself.
We are still struggling financially, but we are so rich in love... The pull to continue to write my adventure pulls me... If I were to die tomorrow how would I share with my child what I learned from my short time on this planet?
So I write for her... For my unborn child... For all those children that are looking for a light, for hope and the little kid dream inside them.
There's a weird thing that happens with the second pregnancy. All the old fears have disappeared. Originally I was frought with concern that my partner wouldnt still want to be part of my life, of my child's life... I didn't want to corner him.. I wanted to replicate him... He is the best father I could ever ask for... Yes we don't agree on some things and I get frusrated with daily life things... But everyday we are together, everyday we spend with this beautiful little girl I fall more and more in love with him. He is the humour, the light heartedness, the goofiness, he gets her in a way I must have wished someone would have gotten me at that age. He brings joy to our lives... And having another just makes me feel like I can't believe I get even more love in my life.
I know what Labour looks like, and it's a doozy, I know what pregnancy looks like and I know what those first 10 months look like. The fear comes from how to manage 2... But I can only imagine, like this one, you grow into life together as a team. I never had siblings growing up. It was just me and mom... And then to lose her at 20... The trauma broke me in so many ways... And built me into someone I never could have imagined.... I have hoped for love in my life... Yet unconsciously struggled with acepting it... Struggled with accepting me... Struggled with knowing what kind of life I wanted...
Its a huge leap of faith children... To consciously choose to bring life into this world... To create hope where so little exists... To believe I can be a better person, a good mom and somehow make my own dreams come true in order to prove to my own kids that dreams do come true.
I was watching America's got talent tonight and it occured to me one day my kids will do something extraordinary that I will be so moved by and so proud of.... Its overwhelming.
My partner said this morning after I had a little cry... Its hard to believe we get to love even more?
Its true. This journey into parenthood, into a family, into love is splitting your heart into more than one body. Its a risky move... Its vulnerable and raw and wild. It really brings you back to the nature in you... The nature in me... Mother earth.
So cheers to the next chapter.
