Day 23.. calmness comes.

I woke up this morning with such calmness. Yesterday my room mate also noticed it. She jjust said something is different about you. I was going to ask you if you had lost weight. You are different.

I feel different.

Just more calm and grounded. My mind isn't racing today. Its not really analyzing anything....or thinking about anything in particular..... except for planning the day, and thinking about quitting smoking.

So this feeling comes after spending three days just miserable.

I've been totally confronted with a lot of things over the past 4 days.

First I went to my meditation course on Friday night and I was sooo frustrated, I couldn't see anything that my teacher was saying... I feel so lost. But I try. I atleast quiet my mind. lol. and don't spend the hour beeating myself up.

At the end of the session I told my teacher that I was really frustrated, and he said that it was totally ok, and that I am on the verge of a huge breakthrough.

That night my friend and I went home and had a good night chatting. Then I watched Shutter Island.... SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you haven't seen this movie... you really should!

At the end I started thinking about how we all create illusions in our lives to protect ourselves from the truth we don't want to see. At that moment it was just sooo clear to me how we convince ourselves of the role people play in our lives in order for us to stay where we are in life.... we are sheep, trying to stay safe by being part of the pack....

This concept has been terrifying me lately. Stepping out, and being different is rocking my world. Its the concept that everytime I get to this point in my growth, when I get confronted with that thought, I give up, I can't bear the thought of being thought of as crazy....

I've always thought it was because my mom was so "out there" to a lot of people and I felt how weird everyone thought she and I were, and I hated that... especially as a kid... as a result I know I've done a lot in my life to make sure that I put the camoflage on, so people think I'm normal...

lately I wonder if that fear is way deeper than just my mother and my childhood. I've been getting this feeling that I've had atleast one if not a few past lives where I was tortured, sent to an insane assylum, burned at the stake for what I believe and I am sooooo terrified of that happening again, deep in my core.

My unconscious doesn't trust the world with my truth.

On Friday night I had such clarity, I ended up writing my thoughts down. Let me preface this letter with this. I am realizing how much I want to be a Naturopathic Doctor, that I need someone to cosign my loan with me... and no one will. I feel overwhelmed with the idea that someone will risk everything for me... and If I fuck up they will be stuck with that debt. I have the potential to ruin their credit.... but more than that I am having a hard time asking anyone to believe in me THAT much. I am also getting some of the people I love most in my life warning me, telling me that they don't think this is a good idea... etc. So this is the letter that I wrote that night.. I won't send it out, but it articulates what I am going through.



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My biggest fear in the whole wide world is to really, trully be my authentic self and have everyone in my life reject me. I am terrified that this is going to sound absolutely crazy, and you are all going to want to put me into a mental institution. But for the first time in my life I am finally seeing everything for the illusion that it is, and I am terrified to death, that because we all live in the illusion, if I let the light in I am going to be persecuted, rejected, abandoned, tortured, thrown intoa n insane aylum.

 

I realize that people kill dreams. That's what we are all trained to do. Kill dreams. Even though we know people have their own self doubts we feel like it is our right to throw our own negative opiniopns.. we call them warnings, because we are looking out for the best interests of those around us... but we are not.... we didn't follow our drams, and we didn't get what we want so now we are certain it doesn't exist.. because if it did hten we would have to face the fact that we were too scared... that we were stopped spo much that we didn't get what we dreamed of as a kid.

 

When we are children, we know... we know deep in our core why we are here... and then countless people make you feel stupid, question your ability to make choices.. trauma happens, and when you constantly fail, because you are learning people don't see you as learning, no they assume that you will always fail, because they always failed... and then they convince you that your dreams are just that... dreams.. even though each one of us knows our true calling we see it in every thing we do..... in our most authentic self. When we are most happiest and life doesn't seem difficult anymore... that's your real dream, that's your real self... and in order to get it we have to realize that every one else is crazy..... now isn't that a mind trip.

 

 

I am finally realizing how much I want my dream. I talk to you like it's not that big a deal cause I'm scared of you breaking this one.... this one has been hidden since I was little, til I was strong enough to not listen to all the people around me that we trying to kill it..... I've kept it hidden, safe guarding it til I was ready, ready to face my biggest fear, that you were all going to abandon me because of it.

 

and here I am... faced with that fear. Tell you what I am thinking and really risk sounding completely obsurd

 

I'm sure you all see me as the person who tells everyone everything. But isn't in interesting that for the girl who tells everyone everything I keep this one hidden, I rarely mention it..... I'm not just keeping it from you, I'm keeping it from myself too, cause I have bought into everythinf people have been saying for years....

 

you're not worth my time, you won't be able to do it, you are risking too much, you aren't smart enough, what this is is crazy, it doesn't work, there are other things that you can do!

 

I will tell you right now, that I am giving up on those. I AM smart enough, I AM strong enough, I KNOW I can do this, this is my calling, and no one will stop me. No matter what, I will be a Naturopathic doctors, I will use all my gifts, all the pain I have endured and help people, help people to see their lives for what they trully are. We spend so much time hurting ourselves and buying into all the shit that everyone else gives us, its time to say go fuck yourself.

 

This is my dream.

 

This is my future.

 

and no one will be able to get in the way of that again.

 

I am worth having the life I want with everything, and I'm not going to let you convince me that I don't,, that I don't know what I want for myself. I KNOW. you DON'T.

 

I will go to school in Seattle next year. I will find the money, I will meet my twin flame, and I will be the most amazing mom. ALL because I SAID so.

 

you killed my dream once. NEVER again.

 

now for my request.

 

I need  just ONE person who believes in my dream too. One person that believes that I am good enough, that I am smart enough. Someone that will risk everything for me. I need someone who believes that what I am doing is the right thing to do, and to cosign the loan for me to ensure that I can go to school. ANYONE, that will support my dream, and realize that its scary, but sometimes we just need one flame to help. One light. That's all I am asking for. ONE PERSON to believe in me the way I believe in myself.

 

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 So the next day I was in a totally different space. By the night I was feeling so overwhelmed. It was the first night I spent in Guelph since deciding to stop my behaviour with men.... every part of my body wanted to go to the bar after work, I was torturing myself.... it was awful!

I ended up going home... and staying up til like 5 in the morning watching movies... trying to distract myself. Then on Sunday I got totally confronted.

So with regards to facing my issues about men.... every weekend for the past 4 weeks, this guy that I slept with in the spring and again about a month and a half ago writes me cause he's in my town. By some amazing grace of God, every time he's here I'm in Toronto.

The first weekend that he wrote me and I was in Toronto I hadn't yet decided to make this move in my life... so the conversation was.. "damn, I'm sorry, I would love to but I'm in Toronto.... "

The next week when the same thing happened I decided not to tell him I was in toronto, but instead tell him what I would hope I would be able to say if I was in Guelph. So I said

"Hey sorry, I've decided no more casual sex anymore."
"What if it isn't casual?"
"Well, no more having sex with someone who doesn't care about me"
"What if I catered to you?"
"No dice, sorry, night."

The next week was similar, basically, "I told you that I'm not doing that anymore, I want something more meaningful in my life."

Then this past weekend it was 2 hours earlier this week lol... and I was polite, but still said"sorry, "I want to be in a relationship, that I want more." , and he asked what i he could be that person, and I said "well why do you only call me only on the weekends then"

"because that's the only time I'm in Guelph"
"Well like I said, I want more."

Everytime this happens I totally feel shitty, cause I know I'm killing any chance of sex in the future, and that scares me.

So Sunday rolled around and I got a text message from this guy that I was sleeping with in the summer. Mid summer he ended up telling me that he was going to stop sleeping with women, that he needed to take a break and reevaluate.... we ended up getting into an argument about something stupid about a week later and haven't talked since. About a month ago I ran into him on the street and told him that if he wanted to come over or hang out sometime.... He told me that he didn't think that would be a good idea, that he's still keeping to his promise, and that he knows what would happen if the two of us hung out.... so I said I understood, and that was his choice, but I would promise nothing would happen if he wanted to be friends.... really, my brain was totally thinking, "and well, if something did happen, it wouldn't be that big a deal!"

Anyways, so I ran into him on Saturday and ended up telling him about my choice, and that I'm changing things in my life....

The next day I get a text from him about coming over and hanging out. I told him that I was at work but maybe after? He then told me that he may go out later... and that he's thinking about breaking his rule tonight... I asked which one, he told me all of them, and then I asked if that's why he texted me. he said "that's not the main reason"
I was pretty pissed off, here was this guy who I had amazing sex with, totally enjoyed his company, and I had not 24 hours before told him that I was trying to fix myself and there he was sabotaging the whole thing! and here I was thinking that he wanted to just hang out cause he knew it would be finally safe!

Anyways, I ended up writing him that I made my rule and I can't break it til I'm in a relationship and that I didn't like that was was trying to sabotage me and that I didn't think it would be a good idea to hang out.


The whole rest of the evening I was soo frustrated, sad.... all these crazy emotions....

I just feel so overwhelmed by all of this, I want to just give up, and go back to my old way of being. I'm so fearful of having this addiction for the rest of my life..... I'm scared that I'm letting go of my family, and that I will eventually have to let go of some of my friends.... I feel sometimes totally overwhelmed and scared that I am making the wrong decision. The voice in my head starts controlling the show telling me that I don't know, that this is all a lie... my heart tells me different, but sometimes the unknown that is awaiting is pretty damn scary.

I'm very aware right now that my ego is in total defense mode, terrified that it is losing control over me, and thus doing everything it can to hold on, but I'm telling you, pretty damn confusing..... and its so easy to second guess yourself.

So that's what the past 4 days have been like, and then yesterday I decided to go swimming, and this morning I feel calm, well other than thinking about those feelings. I feel calm. I hope this lasts for more than a day!!!