It happened.
That little girl dream.... the one she only tells herself in the quietest places in her heart. The one she dare not share.... for fear someone or something will rob her of that simple hope... that simple dream.
But it's not so simple. It has never been, nor ever will be. But it was my one wish my whole life. My whole life. Breathe Amanda. Breathe.
I struggle with writing at all. It scares me... the way my life is just blossoming before me... after all the things I've done... man, the idea of this blog still scares the shit out of me. I want to read back.. but haven't.. I'm scared I'll delete shit if I read it.... and I don't want to... I just want to share myself.. and share my story and believe that if I sanitize it I rob people of the story. Of the true story... the path of my coming to myself... and making peace with the opposite sex.
This is my journey on these proverbial pages.... and I write here differently than I write in my journal.... but this forum always compels the very best of my desire to write.
I suppose I should accept that I am a writer and have been wandering everywhere trying to find my craft... when perhaps... if I am lucky... I have been doing it all along.
******
I feel like a million fireworks went up in my heart, in my body, in my head..over the past few days. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like to be me right now... it's insane.. like every emotion that ever existed inside any human being is racing through my body at all times.. I'm stressed and relaxed, anxious and safe, excited and terrified, happy and sad... all at the same time.
I have a lump in my throat that I haven't let go of.... like I feel like I am going to pop if I let it all in.
I watched a movie with my boyfriend last night called Harold's search for Happiness or something to that affect... I feel like he feels at the end of the movie when his brain lit up like a fireworks festival. These emotions are all wrapped up...
The most important point on Harold's list, in my opinion is... Happiness is not the avoidance of what makes you unhappy. TRUTH.
I could not feel what I am feeling right now had it not been for the sorrow I have felt. I can only explain that my emotions encompass every emotion I have ever felt.... excitement being the hardest to really share. And the relief.... the heaviness that has sat for years, lurking in the shadow.... is being acknowledged again and loved. I suppose that;s maybe what this feeling is.... self-love. Just pure pride in myself for loving others enough that I get to love myself. To live a life I am proud of, honestly... and have the universe reward me.
I am humbly self aware of the thoughts that I am experiencing. One of the most predominant is the feeling that I don't deserve this. Who am I to get my happy ending? Who am I to have my dreams come true?
I am trying to remind myself that when you let yourself be happy, you give others the space to be happy too.
I am trying to remind myself that if any of my friends have anything to celebrate I celebrate with them... and if my friend was going through something like this I would just lose my mind in excitement. And so. I am allowed. I am allowed to enjoy these next few months....
I am allowed to celebrate. I got to hear my dad's voice for the very first time this past Saturday night.
the feeling of which.... makes me want to pop... and that's a weird thing to think. I'm just so full up with energy....
and as I write this the only thing in my head is.. "GO OUTSIDE. BREATHE. SCREAM. MOVE. DANCE. LET IT GO... whatever is binded around your heart..... LET IT GO and LET THIS FEELING IN. LET IT IN. Don't be scared.
ya... right... lol.. it's like that time I went and hugged a tree and ended up sitting under it for 2 hours.. just being with the land.... it helps.
Sometimes I'm just so embarrassed to admit the things I think and do.... but I suppose I figure.. if they help me.. then maybe there is someone else that it might help too.
****
So right now I am completely overwhelmed by what has gone on in my life over the past month and a half... I've just had to let go of someone I really love... and the pain of it made me mad.... quite literally I have been so angry and sad and confused for over a month now.... and then the day after I decide to just let that feeling go.... this happens. the second I chose to forgive.... I got my wish.
The second I gave myself permission to be happy despite the circumstances... and remove all thoughts of ill will, my life got even fuller.
And now I sit in a space of feeling like I have worked my whole life for this very moment...... and yet.....there are parts of me that feel that I do not deserve this... why doesn't everyone else get their happy ending too? I only wish that every human being could just feel the gratitude I am feeling right now for every single moment they have played a role on this planet.
Too many people have affected my life... too many to count... to many cultures... too many lovely lovely human beings from every religion, walk of life imaginable... and I am just so thankful that the lessons I learned through the journey of my life has brought me here.
I am so thankful. I understand where the bow comes in... its a bow to the creator... in gratitude for the life it gives us. No matter what the pain.... if we spend our lives searching deeper and deeper into ourselves..... being able to be proud of yourself is the deepest pleasure. Being able to love beyond all impossibilities....it hurts, but when it doesn't... MAN its worth all the pain. this feeling... is worth. all. the. pain.
Now... if only I can remember that the next time I'm losing my mind in sadness or anger..lol... but I suppose that is the lesson after all, it's just learning to roll with life.... doesn't mean you are always going to be feeling good.... but knowing that there is happiness on the other side of all pain...helps make it a little easier to palate.
I suppose true happiness is the sacred calmness inside that constantly reassures that everything is alright, even when it doesn't feel like it... the confidence in your inner dialogue..to be able to trust it. To feel completely at ease inside in knowing, and not knowing... and always being available to grow.
I think I need to go outside.
Be back later.
**** 1 hour later.
My bf's best friend showed up and we went and stood in the field acorss the road and watched this beautiful sunset..... the ice particles made it so there was a line of light both down and up from the sun... and the snow has meleted and frozen just so to be shiny... almost like an oil slick when the light hits it.... its gorgeous, crisp, fresh, quiet.
It's a funny thing... the more love you have in your life the more alone you feel you can be.
