Lonliness has set it.... Part of me thinks that the rediculous amount of alcohol and the small amount of food I consumed on Saturday may have played a role in my blues... and hormones may also play a role in this uncomfortable state of being... but here I am, sad, lonely and confused.
It's weird being semi- depressed for the first time in my life and not drinking away the sadness, not smoking a pack of cigarettes or trying to find someone to sleep with in order for the pain to go away. I am just here, feeling it.... just feeling it.
For years I have been trying to run from this feeling... and here it is.. in all its glory, its uncomfortable, and upsetting, painful.... but I'm not running from it this time. I'm just experiencing it.
My birthday is in 5 days... my 28th birthday....
every year since I was little I have tried to make the biggest fuss out of my birthday... I always invited as many people as possible. I always wanted to prove that I wasn't a loner, that I had friends... I always wanted to prove that I was somebody and that people loved me...
Right now I am very aware of my deep desire that all my friends come to my birthday party.. and ifthey don't how sad I will be... and even though I know its rediculous to weigh your friendships on who shows up at your birthday party... here I am doing it....
Right now I want to have the strength to just not care.... to just tell all of my friends that this year I am just going to spend the day quietly at home....
I don't feel strong enough to go to the bar... I don't feel strong enough not to drink, not to smoke... not to desperately want to go home with a guy. ....
44 days is a long time....
all I want in the whole world is my innocence back... I want to believe that I can have a man in my life that really does care about me, and wants to get to know me... that just adores me.
I want to have sex that actually means something.... for once in my life.... and I don't want to do anything that sabotages that.
I want a family. my own family.... one that I know is there, and will be there at every birthday, every holiday... in the morning when I wake up and at night when I go to sleep... I just want my own family....
The truth is every birthday I think about my mother... the year she died, 3 months later was my birthday and I realized that 20 years before that it had been her day.... it had been the day that she had her very first child.... it had been our day for 20 years... and now it wasn't.. it was just mine, but really what's the celebration when you don't have the person that looked at you for the very first time, and was just so thankful you were born... healthy and with 10 fingers and 10 toes....
Despite my blues right now.. somehow the adult me got myself to get out of bed this morning and go to a movement class...
One of the first things we did was massage easchothers bodies with our own bodies.... I found myself incredibly self conscious, and uncomfortable.. and the lump in my throat got soo painful.. I just wanted to cry...
I had to stop for a second and just recognize how I was feeling.
I realized that I was sooo sad, because I haven't had physical contact with another human being in so long... my body CRAVES it.... its painful for me not to be touched or to touch someone else... and the recognition.. the simple recognition that I have been so desperate for that that I look for it in unhealthy ways.... I want to be touched so badly.... just touched. That's what I miss most about not sleeping with men.... being touched...
once in a while I would find a man who just touched me.... ran his fingers gently along my back, my arms, my face... just touched me.... as far as I am concerned, that's much more than sex, its much more intimate, and calming... comfortable... just being touched...
it saddens me knowing that it may be years for that to happen again.... and it has to be because I can't ever settle for anything less than what I want...and need. I can never be with another man that I don't trust... and who doesn't value who I am...
I want this sooo badly... I'm just so scared that I am going to give up like I did as a kid... I had the same dream... and then I got to be 19 and there hadn't been anyone who just asked me out... who wanted to get to know me.... so I gave up..... how do I go through that struggle again? without giving up?
I know in my heart its coming... freedom.
Freedom from myself, from doubt and denial, from self hate.... but the door you have to walk through in order to get to the other side is feeling all those feelings you've felt over the years... actually feeling hte rejection, the lies, the abandonment, the truth....
you have to experience the truth in order to free yourself from your own binds.. the limitations you imposed on yourself based on everything that happened in your life... you have to face them in order to see the illusion... see how it was all made up.
See your true self SHINE.
I believe this....
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