I don't want to write this down.. but I know I need to document how I am feeling today, and hopefully soon this feeling will dissapear into the past, and I will tehn have a reminder of what I had to go through to get to the other side.
Last night I obsessed about going out.... I finally told myself that if I really wanted to go.. then just go and stop feeling miserable. So I went to a party next door. I decided to have a glass of wine and smoke a little bit of a joint.
Within 5 minutes I felt retarded... and then all of a sudden caught myself wanting more than anything in the world want these hot guys' attention... I caught myself fantasizing about sleeping with one of them... trying to convince myself that it would be ok if I just make out with one of them ... I didn't even know the'r names.. and here I was crazing attention from them.... I finally caught myself thinking about this one guy that was rocking back and forth cause he was sooo drunk... and I knew that I was in absolutely no condition to be there... so I left.
Since then I feel so uncomfortable... I feel like I am going crazy...My therapist this week told me that I really should work on not telling everyone everything.... that maybe I could keep some energy for me... and yet today I found myself telling everyone I could about what happened last night.... its like I want this feeling to go away soo badly that I feel if I dump it on everyone else it will....
Its the weirdest feeling... I do all of this behaviour so that I don't feel... and here I am without my vices and I am feeling even worse... it fucking sucks!!!!!
I am soooo aware that on top of feeling like shit, I am now completely obsessing over this shit.. .as though there's nothing else to think about or do... I am totally addicted to my own misery, addicted to feeling like shit, and sharing the drama of it all with everyone around me.... and I can feel this part of me that thinks... if you had none of this struggle in your life, what would you talk about....
?
I totally just caught myself realizing that I totally get people to pay attention to me through drama in my life... and if I didn't have drama, then why would they pay attention to me.. its how I get people to show me they love me.... and if not that.. then how would they show me... how owuld I get their attention...
its's all so fucked up.
I'm so freaking confused. moving from one addiction to the next...
My friend says that I should just give myself a time line and then getover it.... but to be honest I don't know if I want to get over it... its how I've always played my life... I'm scared of being responsible... of not having any excuses as to why I didn't make it.... if I'm totally better than i have nothing to blame in my life, and I am terrified that I will fail, despite it all, and will have no excuses... its all on me then.
Fuck this life thing is so damn complicated and confronting... i am totally addicted to being the victim of EVERYTHING... and I don't know how to stop that... and change that. It feels like it is too big, how could I possibly be in control of it all?
If I fail, then well I have the fact that I was dealing with my shit to blame.... and before that it was the same excuse, if I have no shit to deal with.. then what? then what do I have to blame my failures on???
I don't have the answers yet...
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