Day 60

In the past 15 days, my 28th birthday arrived, and went. I have started to accept the fact that I cannot pay, nor expect anyone else to pay for my post graduate education, and have started to humour a new plan. One in which I become a nurse. Something that frightens me... and so I know its right.

The idea of always having a job, making sure my foundation is secure and strong.... something I have never had before... and then down the road I will go to school to be a Naturopathic Doctor, when I know that I will be able to succeed, and support myself.

I have recognized the fact that I have spent my life hoping that someone will come and save me, and now I am accepting that I need to take care of myself. I need to be my own knight in shining armour.... and only then, when I can trust myself 100% and know that I will always provide myself with the support, love and security that I long for will the relationship I want emerge.

I have experienced a few experiences in the past couple of weeks that have tested my own convictions... I have had to say no to hooking up with someone that I have felt so close to in the past... I have had to fight with the urges to write my exboyfriend, I have experienced vivid dreams of my mother...

I realize I can never go back to that life... and yet, I am scared for the future, because I can see all the moments that came before me, where I made the decisions that got me there in the first place. I can see how each moment where I made the "wrong"decision, was a moment where I had lost hope.... one by one, digging my hoplessness deeper and deeper, supporting my hopelessness.

I am afraid that I will make those choices again.

I can't go back.... because I don't want to treat myself like that again... and yet there is a part of me that wants that because its better than nothing.... That's what got me there in the first place.... being with strangers was better than nothing.

I long for intimacy, for touch, for security and for love.

It scares me that I can never go back.... and yet what if I never find intimacy, touch, security and love? The thought suffocates me... makes me so sad.

I feel like I'm missing my own life... that I am so focused on finding someone to share my life with me that I am missing out on the journey....

I want to be ok with being alone. I want to be satisfied with my own company.... forever. I know in my heart the only way I will have the relationship I want is to trully be satisfied with myself.... with just me. When I don't need anything from anyone else... and can get everything I need from myself and the love that is in everything around me. Only then can I be in a relationship where we are two trees entangled, but not one... only then can I still remain an individual while in a relationship.. only then will I be ok no matter what happens, and will be able to trust myself, and what ever the future will bring.

Only then will I be able to let my partner be whoever he is, and not expect or need anything from him, just enjoy him being part of my life... for how ever long that may be.

Oh the duality.

I have been so calm this week. So grounded.... so neutral, it feels so different... i feel the edges of my body... my skin, my toes, my fingers. I feel my heart.

Last night I dreamt of my mother... we were in Japan... she embraced me... I felt the complete love, adoration and security that she gave me.... for a brief moment I didn't live inside of not having her... for a brief moment she was alive.... and life was different. I was different... and then I awoke.

I'm getting there.

All changes, even the most longed for have their melancholy. For what we leave behind us is part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another. -Anatole France