So its a new Year... 2009. And I suppose its time to give a little update. This year travelling has really given me the space to move forward in my life. I've been getting closer and closer to who I am at my core.
Korea really has given me this amazing space to explore myself. Although I have from time to time flattered my traditional behaviour of finding passion in quick encounters, I have still held fast that its not really, trully who I am. That it was there for a purpose when I was younger, but that who I am in the world is someone who will find someone who will make it all make sense. That, when I lay awake the day after a one night stand and think, how much lonelier I feel. That I have just cheated myself out of seomthing real, that one day it will all make sense.
Over the past few months I keep telling my friends that I know that things are shifting for me and that soon... very soon I will find the partner I've been seeking, but haven't been ready for.
I know, that I wasn't ready before to let anyone in, that my destructive behaviour around men and drinking was the solution to the painful loneliness and betrayal that I felt from so many people that I loved in my life. That my out was just to use people as much as I felt used... and although there was a time where I really enjoyed the detachment, it is NOT in consistency with who I have become over the past year.
I knew when I left canada, that Korea was the next step, that jumping was going to shift my entire existance and has it ever. I have gotten in touch with my spirituality, my love, my confidence, my passion. I feel more in tune with who I am and what I deserve, than ever before. The clarity is amazing.
I finally am confident in what I want and who I am, and with it comes this space for some one amazing to show up. That there is no way that I could have let anyone amazing in my life over the past 5 years because I just wasn't in an amazing place. That your partner is someone that reflects you, and well I deffinately was finding my reflection, people not even worth my time in most cases. All so very superficial.
So here I am, knowing that my life is just spectacular, I am soo thank-ful for everything, for the growth that I have experienced, and am ready for what's next in my life. I am sooo ready for real true, knock your socks off, passionate, profoundly deep, break your heart love.
I haven't slept with anyone in 2 months... the last time I did it was aweful, I hadn't had anything completely superficial with anyone in so long, and I suppose I was just in a stupid head space, and felt like fuck it... well that's exactly what it was. It was really as far as one can get away from making love. It was mechanical, and in the morning I felt soo rejected. It was aweful. And yet, I suppose we all go back and try just one last piece before we let go entirely.
Since then I've flirted with the idea, but the further I get in the year, the less and less I do with men, it just feels more and more unsatisfying. The last time I slept over at a guys house, about a month ago we didn't do anything, not even kissing. And to be honest, leaving his house, I felt like I was finally ready. He was a friend of mine, that I knew was interested in me, but there was just something saying that it wasn't right. That its time to stop these stupid superficial antics cause if I don't I'm going to miss something amazing...
And, then he just showed up.
Like everything that I've wanted in a guy, he is... and soo much more. And yet, the relationship is starting soo slowly, and everything I've ever wanted to happen at the beginning of a relationship is. We connect at such a core level, we have both never met anyone like eachother in our entire lives, and yet, the world just provided and made sure that the patience I lack is taken care of cause he's back home in Canada.
I told myself and my friends that I really didn't want to go home until I found someone to have a family with because I really felt like I wouldn't find my Mr Perfect in Canada, that he would be travelling and before settling down I wanted to share our similar passions. But, I also felt like I wanted to find someone from Canada because I see how difficult it is for some of the couples I know to manage visiting their respective families and live abroad, when their familes are in different parts of the world.
I also really wanted to be able to establish a real friendship with the person I end up spending the rest of my life with. That we give ourselves the time we need to really get to know eachother before diving into a relationship, because like I've said before I feel that once sex gets involved getting to know someone becomes all foggy.
And I'll tell you a little secret, the first time I have sex with the man I marry, I want to be in love with him, and him with me.
But lets be honest, I never knew how that was going to happen because I am crazy impatient, and well lets be honest I love sex...
Its trully amazing how the world provides you with exactly what you need in life, so long as you are open to it.
So he showed up... and he is my very first crush, from grade 4. And we are like two branches from the same tree. We are so similar in our history, in our beliefs and in our experiences. He believes in everything I do and gives me this amazing space to really and trully be the person I've always wanted to be.
Its the most extraordinary feeling. And, to top it all off, he just has this ability to anticipate what I need. Most importantly, taking time to really get to know eachother before we take our relationship to the next level.
So, there you go... slowly but surely I've grown up.
Now I am not going to say I know what's going to happen tomorrow, but at the end of the day, I am so very thank-ful for absolutely everything. And every moment that I have written in this blog is just the path that I needed to take, and for that I am so very thank-ful because it has brought me right to where I'm supposed to be and the view from here is spectacular.
I'm done my year here in 11 weeks and am going to travel South east Asia. My dream trip. And, the most spectacular thing. This amazing man, suggested we travel together. Life really couldn't get any better!!
Just thought I'd update.
Who knew?
