Awakening

So these past few weeks have been pretty fucked up to say the least... I pretty much felt as suicidal as I have felt in years... the culmination of everything.

Honestly it was all my emotions coming barelling at me.. and being completely confronted on every level.

I have analyzed the shit out of it all and this is what I see.

I got to the point where I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life

My family treats me like I don't belong or exist... so I'm clearly a failure in that department
I am still overweight and smoke so I fail in the health department
I have been borrowing money to get by so I fail in the money department
My friend breaking up with me signaled I failed in the friendship department
and then my trusty man attention seeking to console my heart failed when Q deleted me
and then I sprained my ankle - so my body was failing
and then I failed my midterm - for the two things I was most proud of... so I felt like I failed in the person department too...

It was like this wave of self hatred swarmed over me... and I honestly wanted to die

then this week I read 2 books, spirit junkie and radical acceptance.... they have helped emensely

and this is what I have realized...

abandonment is my default pain.

it is what makes me the person I am... how deeply I love and hold on is because I made a rule that I hated being abandoned and I would never abandon anyone... its what caused me to hold on to C. for so many years... its what fueled what happened with T, its what had started to happen with Q.... that I can't let go cause I am scared I am abandoning them.. so I need to actually hear... fuck off for me to leave....

so then out of that I realized that T was there to teach me that at one point its ok to abandon... to break the rule in the name of sanity.

I realized that at the base of that abandonment was the feeling that if I could have loved them enough, if I could give them the best thing.. if I could teach them to love themselves... then they would love me back... funny as I am sitting here writing this I am thinking... it was always a direct course to me learning how to love myself... interesting :)

So I learned that I thought if only I could love them enough.. if only I could teach them they were lovable... then they would love me...

that there was a fundamental flaw with me.. and for years I have been in search of fixing this fundamental flaw... but really there is no flaw... that its not me... that some people are good for me and some are bad for me and if they are bad for me.. its ok to let go.

I can't even begin to imagine giving myself permission to leave a guy the second I see anything I really don't like about him.. to see him for who he is.

wait.. I can.. I can imagine and its liberating... I can imagine what it would be like to find a relationship that is just easy and not a struggle.... that it just happens and I don't have to convince myself of anything... I just like him and he just likes me... and there is nothing else to analyze.

:)

I can imagine not having to look back and analyze any more... to just be here now, talking about what's going on and celebrating instead of peeling away years and years of fucked up ness.

I honestly think this has all been leading here... to a point in my life where I am able to stop analyzing the past to get me to get free from it...

to be able to separate from my longing... to accept myself as my own best friend.

So... in the end I texted T and said that through him I let go of my fear, my insecurities, all the walls that I have built between me and the rest of the world... and that he helped me to see that I thought I had this fundamental flaw which I do not... that through him I realized there really is nothing I could do to change the circumstances... that if he wants to grab coffee when he figures out his shit cool, if not thanks for playing the game of life with me.

and then I deleted him today.

and with Q... a couple weird things happened... its not really important.. except I nw realize that it got complicated fast.. and its not what I want at all. That I turn into this weird person who is trying to cater to a man that she feels is somehow better than her.... so I deleted him from my phone too!

So ya... here is to being able to do this right from moment one. Are you available emotionally. yes? no? no= out.

wish me luck


we'll see