The shift to self care

Today was really interesting. I felt tangential this morning, and I ended up sitting in the parking lot at school for an hour and a half.. and just couldn't go in. I was feeling overwhelmed and sad.

I have realized that I have tis amazing foundation  of love and nutrition from my mother.. that she truly was the smartest most interesting person I have ever met.. but through moving to my step dads place, her being misunderstood my whole life and her subsequent death.. I have been angry and confused about who she was and who I am.

I feel like my taking care of myself has correlated with my accepting her, and myself fully.

I received some money, finally,this week... and today I found myself looking up vegetarian recipes and going back to hot yoga. I feel like my lack of taking care of myself has been that the way I know how to take care of myself has been so controversial over the years that I have spressed myknowledge... and finally the world isn't so scared of that knowledge anymore.. and I need to embrace it.

I think, ultimately... its been this whole thing with Q and T. I think that meeting two of the loveliest men I have ever met in my life.. and have them be at points in their life where they like me... but are unable to give me any love or care has stripped me down and made me feel like it isn't my fault anymore...

Its weird.. its almost like I don't care about attracting any other men.. because if they are fucked up... then there's no hope in meeting anyone who isn't.

Its not a conscious effort.. its just as though my inner radar has shifted away from men... to myself.. which ultimately is probably the whole point of the universe giving me these men.... to teach me to focus on myself.

I have a goal of losing 2 lbs by summer... for the first time in my life I want to be able to put on a bikini and be proud of my body...

I made a vegetarian sheppards pie tonight... folded my laundry and did the dishes. I am supr proud of myself today.... quiet is coming over me. Satisfaction with the little things... here's to hoping it sticks :)