At the gull - took the day of work. Really overwhelmed with leaving - have been anxious all day and having panick attacks. Thinking about the things I want to do befre I lave. Upset I won't have a home to come home t... Sad. Realized this week that CL is the only guy that I can behave like an idiot around and he'll still be around - still love im - mss im - know that I have to get over him. Talked to him last week and told him I needed to get over him - that I've spent the past 2 years hoping that he will turn around and loveme. Sad tht I'm not the girl that will crack him.
Confused about leaving - not knowing when I'll come home. pset that so mch of my stuf is in the barn - getting ruined. Sad I haven't visited mom's grav site or seen F in over a year. Realize I sabbotage myself with guys - I know sex - nothing else.
Worried about grandma's ring and mom's ring - worried about my pictures from when I was little - Japan etc.
Goin to miss my freds terribly. I reallymiss mom - hoping that I'll see and meet P (my biologicl father) - wan so much from life - not sure what next.
Growing spiritually - knowing I need to let go - realized this week hatI have a really hard time saying no to myself.
Confused - very confused. I kno that I am exactly where I need to be, but overwhelmed with it.
Ironic - that I always was worried about saying/doing something that would scareCL off - only to ealize now that he's the only guy that's still there. Loyal?
Worry about everyhing - especially what people think of me - especially when it comes to sex. Wish I had a partner - think too much - analyze too mch - can't spend time by mself - tried grounding myself during my panick attacks.
Need to move/sell my stuff. see my friends - tie off loose ends - get my visa - figure out how to pay my bills in Korea. get laptop - clothes - luggage. Feel inadequate.
Decided to go to Korea becase I have noreal roots here - at the same time overwhelmed by that truth.
Realzing having to parent myself.Not sure how - Too much thought. Way too much thought.
Wish sometimes life was simpler - but know if it was.. I would be bored.
Not sure wht to expect. Toomuch going on in my head.
Realize first time snce Banff that this change is all on my own - that no one has control but me. Africa - CL broke up wih me - Mom died - it's completely up to me to go - very weird.
Going because I WANT to and not knowing if I'm ready. Hope I am. Will I be able to handle being there? by myelf?
Excitbut have many other thigs to worry about.
Confused. Hopeful - still happy - and thankful that I CAN go anywhere.
Ungle G. said that mom was always about letting life take you wherever - maybe she really wanted this for me. Wanted to give me the freedom to do whatever I wanted.
Realization - that full body buzz I get when I'm sick - that I thought it may be a key to something geater - it comes really easily to me... i's my being - my doorwy beyond this world and when I feel this way it scares me - right now 'm feeling my inner body and it scares me because I'mnot in control - letting go is terrifying because I don't feel in control - maybe I am in contro - that its my ego that isn't - ad it's my ego that's scared - not me.
I'm reading Eckhart Tolle and its making me really think I am whole - being whole - being happy - right now it scares my ego - scares what I relate to as me.
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