January 18, 2006

January 18, 2005

I know its an odd day to begin a new journal. No significance no new year... not even then end of another journal, as I have so many unfinnished laying around. No, today I put C. on a plane to Moncton, for one week. It seems sort of silly that not seeing him for a week would upset me, I guess that's change. It's incredible how much one's life can change in a year....or two. Even a moment without him fills me with heart ache. I race home after school and work just to see him smile. Sometimes I wish we could just become one body and then I wouldn't ever have to spend a minute apart from him. It's weird, I don't have a bed time without him around. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch even though I know I'm tired and he's going to be a while on the computer. I just can't bear to fall asleep without him next to me. Even when I'm frustrated o mad with him, I'd pick laying next to him with our backs to eachother,than laying anywhere else.

Sometimes, though it bothers me that I can't talk to him about my mom...It's not that he doesn't listen, is that I feel silly, or that he doesn't care. Sometimes I feel so sad, but don't feel like I should tell anyone. Most of the time I'm fine. I barely think about it, but sometimes it ctches me off guard, it seems surreal. I don't think my body can competely capacitate that I have't heard her voie in almost a year and a half. I just wish sometimes that I could have a mom hug. She was the best hugger.

It's so bizarre that my life really divided on the day she died. There was the 2 months in between her death and the birth of the relationship with CL, but I trully feel like I have a completely different life. It's amazing how much you can change and what love does to you.

 

Somtimes I think that I would give up all my dreams to travel and explore the world, just to have a family and CL beside me forever. Hemakes me laugh....sometimes 'til my tummy hurts.

 

Do you think mom can tell how much I love him? Do you think she knows how much I love her? or miss her?

 

Do you think C. knows the depth of my love for him? I sometimes think he doesn't let it in. I hope he knows how much he is worth and how much I would give for his eternal affection. I think about my life, think about the drinking and sex, how many women play the scene well into their late 20's or early 30s, maybe I'm an old soul, like so many have said. I'm searching for something bigger than this.

 

I think I'm crazy to want a family at my age, bt then I think my mom mst hve been crazy and felt so inadequate, scared and alone, but she did it!

 

So, right now I am laying in bed, with an emptiness in the space beside me. I invited Max (the dog) and Woodley (the cat) to sleep wih me for comfort. Funny how a year and a half ago I went to the bar ad woke up beside whomever the next morning. Sometimes no one, with a faint memory of the night before. Now there is no part of me that won't wake up tomorrow hoping that CL is miraculously beside me.

 

Anyways. I don't want to seem crazy, just in love.

 

AJ