distractions

So It's sunday afternoon... I am finding myself lazy again today... and so I suppose I am confronted on some level and not really wanting to deal with it... cause sleep is my usual default if things are feeling too overwhelming.

I'm putting off doing a couple of things... none that are too big... well actually... there is one thing that I have been putting off FOREVER.. my taxes...

Money... so I have realized I have a really fucked up relationship to money.... just like everyother component in my life that I avoid.... money is one of those things... its like I get anxiety over it.... fear.... and I have this internal dialogue like.. there's never enough. Honestly I am terrifyingly embarrassed and feel guilty for not having a budget and managing my money properly.

But now I am at a point where I HAVE TO... I have to look at this with open eyes and just learn... practice.... It's like I always hope there's going to be money there... I hate not having money.. but when I have it I'll buy coffee's and things that I don't really need and the money could go to something else more important... but I do it anyways.... I do it cause maybe "its the thing to do"... I don't know.. but I know I'm irresponsible about my money... not that I have ever had a lot of it... but I mean, I don't EVER need to use it for anything but the essentials... anything else is just not neccessary.. and although its nice to do those things... its a lot nicer to have enough money for the bare essentials.

it's weird.. its like this area I am completely blind in.... this is the first time in my life I a actually being honest about my relationship... even honest with myself.... it feels like my weight. Like it feels so overwhelming that I don't want to look at it... like its too daunting.... oooooorrrrr maybe its the emotion that's too scary???????

one minute

I'm going to try and feel the fear of having so little money that I can't do anything other than the bare minimums of life.


****
So it's now hours later and I have quite the afternoon... feeling the feelings was intense.. I realized that I totally equate my self worth to money... and while I was feeling the emotions I had to repeat to myself " your worth is not based on money." it was sooo hard.. I felt like I was battling with myself.. and I just kept repeating myself and repeating myself... telling myself that my worth is inherant... it is not dependent on outside forces....

then I started making myself look at all the parts of my life that I avoid.. that I try and distract myself from feeling. Realizing that I'm scared to look at those parts.. cause I'm scared that I am going to find out that I really am not worthy... and there really is something wrong with me... Its like I don't believe that I truly am worthy of all the beautiful things... because I have these things wrong with me... instead of letting myself feel the fear... look at the problem.. and focus on the solutions.

Through feeling the emotions I ended up talking to one of my best friends J... and our relationship has completely shifted... she's the one who divorced me a little while ago.. and today she completely opened up to me and told me all the details about this man she really really likes.. and I was able to help coach her to see where she is trying to protect her heart and not jump into the game of life....

I was able to send a letter to my friend who is lending me money and get straight with myself that I have to find a job in the next two weeks... that this is really important.... and that I need to stop feeling inadequate. and just give myself a deadline.. and make it happen.. even if it is just Tim Hortons.. atleast it is money coming in.

Fuck its so weird to need money... but I really really don't want to work at Tim Hortons.. I really feel like I deserve a bigger challenge. and I deserve a job that pays more... but maybe I just need to accept that it is what it is.. and that I have to be able to support myself.. and that's all that matters... to feel like I can take care of myself.
Its weird to force myself to feel the feelingsof shame, inadequacy, guilt.... and then force myself to tell myself that money does not equate to who I am.. and the fact that I haven't been able to find a job doesn't mean I won't be able to find a job. to be honest that I really really want to be able to take care of myself...

ultimately thats what all of this is... looking at how and where I don't take care of myself... being honest with myself that I don't... and figuring out how to change that.

It's only through acceptance that we can change...but man accepting that I am still overweight, that I don't know how to manage my money, and that I equate men liking me to my worth is fucking crazy difficult... it's excruciatingly uncomfortable.. and I know its the only way that I can ultimately become who I want to be... and the time has come..

I honestly feel like i have finally handled so much oftheother layers that I was too scared to look at ... like mom, and my family... that as I become ore honest with myself... the more I face my fears.. and the more I become who I want to be...

it is inignoring the parts of me I don't like.. that I stay the same....

By the end of March I want to...

have known where all my money has gone.

Find a job that can bring in 2000$ each month while I am in school.
Figure out how to go toYoga every other day.
start running, by the end of March I want to be able to run 1 straight km.
limit eating gluten and sugar. '

By the end of this year I want to be 145 lbs. Happy, healthy and completely independent from all financial burdens.. that I am completely financially aware. I want to be whole.

well that was a good session :)

so... distractions - they show me where it is that I am avoiding.. so I can look at that specific part of my life. weird.... so whenever you find that you are distracted... maybe you should look at what you are distracted from.. and decide that today is the day you are going to accept that you have to look at it... accept what ever it is that you are scared of.... embrace it... and move forward... head held high... being thankful for having the courage to no longer live the way you always have.

I have three friends right now that I think have met their permanent partners. All three are very new... but all three are very real...and I think I like all three men... and all three of the women told me all about them in the past 24 hours.... so its feeling really cool that they all trust me with the details. I think they are all finally seeing that I always follow my heart.. and they need someone to cheer them on even though their heart is so scared... and I can be that person.

****
Monday, March 5, 2013
So apparently I didn't post this...

and I came to write how I was feeling right now....

This whole awakening thing is totally fucked... its like every person I talk to I think is stupid... its brutal.

The most confronting thing? looking at my two best friends who are iding from me right now... both of them were the ones that when I sent that crazy letter from J out to everyone... they were the ones that said I should give him another chance. And so I think they said that because they can't look at their own lives... because they aren't happy... as though something is wrong with them to admit that the life they thought they wanted really isn't it at all.

But... god... its terrifying to see that... to not be willing to be sold into a life that will make me miserable... I REFUSE to condition myself to not have any feelings or be upset when things are getting to be too much.

The problem with people is that they are miserable... everyone is miserable in their lives.. and instead of making that compel themselves to change their life.. they take drugs to have them cope with the upset and anger that comes from a life that sucks....

its weird... today my prof told me that I should consider going on meds... it appauled me.. and she suggested it a few times.... I couldn't believe it.. I told her I didn't want to 5 or 6 times.. and she still tried to tell me that it wasn't the easy way out.. and sometimes we just need a break... as though I couldn't handle it.. it was like that was the first option??? totally weird...

So ya.... I'm learning how to not be so scared of authority... how to own myself.... and how to confront my fears... believing that i have the wear with all to handle them... I mean really that's the scary part... what do you do with emotions unless you know how to process them... experience the emotion and look for love... accept what you have gone through by integrating them into your psyche.... recognize that you are much stronger and alive than you thought... so you can ultimately have the strength to tackle the deeper emotions...

You know the more and more I go down this road.. the more I realize that I was not even close to being ready to be the kind of person I wanted to be for T's girls... it was a nice idea... but I was not even close... that if it had happened... it wouldn't have worked... and that I needed this time to learn these lessons... get my life in order.... feel in complete control of my existance.... so that I know myself fully... and deeply... and rely solely on myself.

I deleted my profile of POF today.... I went on it for a week.... I had convinced myself that because I met T on there that maybe there would be another... but really in the end I realize that someone is going to have to do a phenomenol job at beating the first words T ever corresponded with me"

Reading your profile brought tears to my eyes, and excitement in my heart. We might be similar spirits, though I think you may have an older soul than I. The world still bewilders me on a regular basis. I have been on and off a spiritual journey all my life and have yet to fully understand or actualize the things I have learned. known truths, and the driving force I feel in my heart and soul. Is this too much for you? It is rare to meet someone with depth of chracter and an understanding of self and not hide behind a veil, or consider oneself complete. I am far from any of these things. I do have a passin for life, people, music, creating and physical exertion. I don't need a lover or necessarily want one butI feel that you mght be someone who could be an excellent friend. I think we could talk about anything and maybe even learn something from eachother. Regardless of what my profile reads I have come to a place where I just want something real without pressure for anything more than a meaningful connection with another human being on a deeper personal level. I have been a teacher, a business owner and am now in sales and my soul is not satisfied, but it is a journey and I am on a step towards something else - something I feel is much bigger and more meaningful. I am afraid to fail, although I know that is when the greatest growth takes plave and I have and will fail again. I have moved around a great deal in my life but have called this area home for the last twelve years. My recent life change has lead me to re-discover a person I had lost. He is really cool, interesting and inerested in the world around him. So no pressure at all in any way. Your words were oving and in many ways speak way beyond your years. If you would like to chat...maybe a friendship could develop. I think you are open minded enough to atleast explore something. I am open as well.


like really? who the fuck on the planet is going to beat that.... lol.

He really fucked me for ever being satisfied again... I'm so stuck... ah well.. guess this is the game of life :)

night.