Well today I had a conversation with D that was very revealing in many ways, it was what I needed although now a lot has been lost in the day - alot still remains. For certain he told me that I talk a lot about CL, FH and my mother - and that it dismisses a lot of what people are saying. Also it closes the conversation and possibility. We also talked about how being vulnerable is the awkward moments in life and not necessarily those things you think you are vulnerable in. We also talked about how I always want to find the solutions to things - but the solutions take time - and if suurgery were performed right now on development - without the knowledge of how to support the system - people- the system will die.
Finally - we aso talke about the idea that the world is conspiring for you. A concept I had never put into words - or maybe even thought of. Howeverin oder to use you guides - you have to know where you want to go. - this concept makes a lot of sense - however where I think about it most is with CL.
We talked the othr night - more open and honestly than since we broke up - inside him telling me how much he wants to sleep with me - a couple of things were said - first I asked if he thought I was hot - yes he replied - I asked him why he had never told me - that it would have been niceto know and easier - he responded by elling me that he didn't want to be blamed for my insecurities - I wasn't - but told him how convinced I was tat he didn't find me attractive - whether he said it or not - I heard him saying - of I was - and am - I was with you! - something that would seem obvous to everyone but me - that he was with me - and found me attractive.
Another tings was doing things that would have ensured a better sex life - they were as crazy as him coming home and me being naked waiting - even though I convince myself today that I tried - the honest answer is I can hear myself worrying about bothering him - making a fool of myself - not getting what I wanted - being a burden or imposing - something I find I do everything to avod here too - but it was interesting to hear similar things inside both of these conversations. Finally I had asked C. L. whe he wanted so badly to break up with me - he said because he wanted to be alone and single. thinking it was about me was being full of myself. Although I was hrt that he said that - and I said that he was selfish cause whether or not he liked it - his decision impacted me - cause - I was there too - BUT..I did hear his answer - and although he had said it before - I got that it REALLY isn't about me - I asked him if he could see us getting back together - he said he didn't think so - why - he didn't say - I would like to know sometime - but nonetheless it was interesting and revea ling - that everything isn't awayls about me - and I conduct life like it is - and hurt a lot because of it - can you imagine having the knowledge to have known that CL was attracted to me the whole time and never second guessing myself.
And F - I know none of this stuff is about me - but its still hard in a weird way that it isn't. However - I suppose there is some peace in knowing that it isn't about me - and maybe focusing on issues that more effect me - I know I crave drama - but maybe its good to start looking at my life in a less dramatic way being more confident and progressive And - maybe going into my next relationship without drama that he doesn't like me - the whole time - Can you imagine? I was convinced - and still find my brain trying to convince myself that he didn't like me - even though he was withme - a very weird notion. Maybe I can find my peace in that.
AJ
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