When can you speak your truth?

Its a question I have been silently searching for for my whole life.. when is it safe to be myself? When is it safe to speak my truth?

I grew up with a mother who was incredibly intuitive and intelligent 50 years ahead of her time.

The things we are speaking about right now as a collective ... I was learning about as a child.
#1 we are one
#2 god is love
#3 when you have emotions let them out... if you don't they will eat away at you
#4 touch is essential for the soul
#5 love everyone... even the ones that hurt you
#6 believe anything is possible... even when the circumstances say they aren't
#7 dance
#8 play music
#9 be who ever you are
#10 follow your dreams

I learned these values from my mother.... I have been trying to figure out how I got all screwed up.... if my mom was so loving and encouraging towards me... and what happened is she couldn't be herself.

I watched throughout my life how my mother was constantly misunderstood, judged, rediculed, hated..... I heard it from family members, from friends, from parents of friends.... and I got scared.

I got really scared that the world was not safe for peple like my mother... and subsequently I internalized that the world was not safe for me.

I have been exponentially hurt by everyone I have ever deeply loved as a child... except for the two girl friends I have, whose mothers were as "crazy" as my own.

so.... in order to survive I have played the game... I have played along with everyone's rules for my life... in order to make sure I have a roof over my head, food, an education..... I have played by the rules...

and the rules are subtle... people give you rules by telling you not to cry and getting mad if you do... by not wanting to listen to what you have to say... or worse.. humiliating you for saying something they don't agree with.... by avoiding you when they hurt you..... people teach you how to treat them... and sbsequently yourself... and it goes on silently... and no one is aware... until I woke up.

I am in the midst of it.. of coming to comeplete clarity... its scary... but it has to happen.

So when does someone speak their truth?

WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.

Through suffering. Through seeing the other side of life..... through recognizing that something has to change... and that the fight for that is worth more than perpetuating the bullshit.

I have not cared for myself for a very long time... I feel like this blog is a complete testement to that suffering... to the pain I received from others.. and the subsequent pain I inflicted on myself.

I believe in people.. I root for their very core... but I do it without wanting to hurt them...

I made a promise to myself after my mom died... that I would never compare my own suffering to another... and that no one can understand the gravity of the pain I have experienced until they too have been through it... so their worst day would still feel like their worst day... even if its that their dog died.... that that pain to them, is as painful as losing my own mother.

It was a good resolve for the subsequent experiment ofmy life... where I then lived a life full of compassion.... but I believe that in making that choice I didn't respect the degree to which I was hurt.

Now... I'm starting to see who I really am... and in order t do that I've had to really look at my life and the people in it... and evaluate them.....and our relationships.

My pain allowed me to see how broken people are... and how easy it is to be broken... that when I didn't deal with the loss of my mother... when I was scared to be myself.... I hurt myself... I lost faith in life... in love... I judged and was annoyed by my mother... and so I subsequently judged and was annoyed with myself....

being able to finally allow myself to accept the pain... I can look at her as a person.... and all the things she taught me.. and all the things she was bad at.... and recognize that everyone ELSE was WRONG about my mother...

and they are wrong about me.

So when do you speak your truth? when your truth is more valuable than the lie. When I realize that I ca't live being afraid to piss people off. I can't be afraid to be controversial.... I just have to do it from love... from speaking to the inner beauty in all people... to let them know who they really are.

The truth is bubbling up inside me..... the truth I have been hiding. ME.

I am no longer willing to put up with people who are mean to me. and I am not going to stay quiet about why.... I will never be deleberately mean.. and I will speak from my heart... with no judgement.. simply the truth.

You made me feel like I was the left over garbage. You never considered how I might be feeling. Yo have never once, in 12 years called me, you got mad at me everytime I did anything wrong....

you rediculed my mother and told lies about her... you didn't support her when she needed you.... you didn't appreciate her properly.

you got frstrated at me when I didn' come home when mom was sick, but you never offered me money to pay the rent... even though you knew that I couldn't afford to come home.. and you had money in the bank.

On the night my mother died you had a tantrum.. and instead of worrying about my mother.. I was worrying about whether or not you would feel guilty for the rest of your life.

You stole that money from me... my mother trusted you to take care of me...and you didn't... she would be ashamed of you....

You took my heart and didn' give a shit about how I felt.

You broke my heart.

You hurt me.... when you...

ignored me...
didn't offer to help me out when I didn't have a job and couldn't find one and couldn't pay rent
you supported J when he wrote the meanest letter to me ever.
instead of offering me money when I am struggling this semester.... you suggested I drop out of school.

you didn't value me
all you cared about was what you got out of it... not me as a human being.

that's my truth so far... now I just have to find the courage... through remembering all the trauma I have been through and that I am still alive.... I can handle anything.