Hell.... the bottom of everything...pure confusion...just breathe, just believe, just be.

I cannot tell you how much I am avoiding writing... avoiding thinking... avoiding feeling. The past 40 minutes I finally started asking myself how I was feeling... of course its happening during a time where I have a paper tomorrow, an exam on tuesday, an assignment due tomorrow night... I have to pay my phone bill and figure out things with my bank account. There's just so much going on... and here I am in emotional turmoil... AGAIN! Ugh.

I suppose this is what I get from being spontaneous and living from my heart... I get to always live on the edge... lol... awe man the ledge is scary... its scary to stay calm when my emotions are bubbling up inside me.

Ive been feeling completely disconnected from my body and my brain... On Saturday morning I was confused and incoherent... I felt like I was just babbling for the sake of babbling... I ended up talking to a friend of mine for a few hours and it felt like I sorted out some things in my heart....but then again today... I'm being confronted... and so no matter how inconvenient it is for me to have all this due, be 2:45 in the morning, when I have shit loads to do... I have to look at this.. or I will never get through the next two weeks... I will be distracted so I don't have to look.

All I've been feeling in the past couple of days.. whenever I go to do ANYTHING... my heart says... just be. Be quiet. Be receptive. Be available. Be present.... BUT ITS SO HARD... I'm always going.. doing something... trying to avoid....

How can I possibly just be.

Its ironic that I got just breathe, just believe, just be on my wrist... its my mantra... and here I am... at the cornerstone of my life... and those three things are the answer.

So just when I finally let go of the two men in my life that have occupied my heart, my mind and my attention... the two men that I have loved over the past year.... when I realize that I have to do the same with my family... I meet someone.

Completely by surprise... I met Q.

Ok... now that I am actually writing... and asking myself how I felt... wow.. this is really hard.

I met him at the very end of the night last Saturday. It was weird. I wanted to go out.. I ended up texting this guy I had met twice before who was really cool and asked him if he wanted to go for a beer. He told me he was at a house party, I asked if it was intimate or if anyone could come. He said I should come. I went.

When I got there it was a really funky group of people... and I found myself.. just being myself... and found that the vast majority of the people there were drawn to me... without me doing anything.. they listened to what I had to say.. and wanted to be near me... it was a really cool feeling.

But there was a part of me that really wanted to go dancing.... so by 1am... even though I was having a lot of fun... I decided to pull myself away and go dancing.

Two of the guys came with me.

We danced for an hour.. they left and I stayed for the end of the night.

I ran into a group of people that I run into all the time dancing and they invited me to a house party they were having.

I turned around and there was this man behind me. Lets just say he was probably the most handsome man I have ever seen in my entire life. Just standing there.

I promised I wouldn't pick up anyone that night.. that I wasn't going to get attention.. I was going for me... but I found myself wanting to know who he was.. and why the hell he was standing there at the end of the night.. by himself.

I walked up to him and asked him his story. Turned out he was waiting for a friend. It was the first time he went out without his wife who he was breaking up with. He is from South Africa. Immediately we had a connection... I was really honest with him and him with me. I don't even remember everything that was said... but we quickly found ourselves out on the sidewalk mutually trying to figure out how we could continue the conversation. We were going to go to a local restaurant... but then he found out his wife was there... so I asked if he wanted to walk me back to my car... not that I was going to drive it.... he said yes... I remember us both being relatively anxious to keep talking.

We got to my car and I ended up telling him the entire story of L and C. and the car and the newspaper... it took forever.. and I occupied the entire conversation.... at one point he kept texting.. and he didn't want to stay distracted.. so he told me that it was his wife asking him if he would grab a cab with her... I told him that I would prefer if he stayed.. but he has to follow his heart. He told me he didn't want to cause problems and that he should go...

but before he left he said that I was so awesome.. so alive...and asked me if I would go for coffee with him sometime. Absolutely I responded. And then he asked if he could kiss me... absolutely he could. So he kissed me.. and it was the most perfect first kiss ever.. it was hot, and relaxed, sensual and present... it was perfect :) man... writing it and remembering it makes me smile :)

I asked to kiss him again before he got out of the car... he asked me for my phone number.. told me he would call for sure and we would definitely go for the coffee. He was nervous... he was nervous leaving... but he promised.

I ended up needing to go to the bathroom, and so went back to where the party had been.. only to find the host, M. still awake. I haven't mentioned him yet, but when I got to the party he greated me.. he was lovely... and his apartment was quirky, he was quirky and I would totally be lying if I didn't say that I thought about his potential in terms of dating. He writes and produces his own one man play.. and he's smart... he has really good energy about him... and he was totally in to me.

So after Q left, I ended up going back there.... I'm not sure why, peeing was only an excuse.. I knew that he was attracted to me.. we had something buzz between us...

I ended up staying for an hour or so.. and we too were really honest with each other.. I ended up telling him about Q and we talked about relationships... I said that I was ready to find love... but that I needed a man to be bold and confident.. and that I usually don't have faith that men are competent and courageous enough to actually say what they feel... but I need a man who does.. who tells me hes interested in me and doesn't keep me confused.

M. ended up telling me that he thought I was beautiful and cool and would date me. I smiled. I was going to stay.. but then I felt like I should really go to my friend's who had set up a bed in her place for me. I left and M. told me he would call me really soon.

The next day I ended up hanging out with my friend's room mates. They were lovely and I talked most of the time. We ended up all going skating and I left relatively early because I wanted to get caught up on school work so I wouldn't feel behind.

While we were skating M. called me... it was so nice and I was super happy... not scared and not knowing how I felt.. just feeling happy.

Q. didn't call.

The whole day I thought he may have lost my number.. now that I think about it I was worried all day... I hadn't checked it... but I kept telling myself... if its meant to be... he will have the number.. there is nothing I can do about it now.

Then he texted me.

I was so excited.

Hmm.. this is interesting.. I can't remember the sequence of events now... because I've supressed them... probably because of what's happened. This is why I have to write more frequently.. then I can't forget.

We texted that night.. and he told me that we would definitely go for that coffee sometime.. but he felt like it should happen after everything calmed down with his wife moving out. I completely agreed... and was super proud of myself for being ok with just letting it be. Everytime we said good bye... we kept talking...

M called me that day and we ended up having a really good conversation.

The next day Q and I texted.... and then he ended up texting me that she got home so he had to stop.

It was so weird.

The next day, Tuesday, M. called, and invited me to go to a movie. I decided to decline because I had so much school work.....

Q and I texted again.. this time the ended up telling me he had just spent the day helping his wife move out. .

I was shocked. I had thought it was happening in a month...

Finding out it happened that day?

That night I ended up calling Q... and seeing how he was doing. I was going to write a note telling him I think that he shouldn't worry about me or trying to impress me.. that he had to properly close this chapter of his life and that I thought he just needed me to be a friend for right now... but then I decided just to call. I was worried about him.. and I wanted to know that he was ok... it never occurred to me that it may be inappropriate.. I was just concerned. All I could think of was that it would be scary the first night being on my own after 10 years of being with the same person. We ended up talking for atleast an hour...

Wednesday M. called again.. we ended up having a really long conversation... which ended up in a very frank conversation about what we felt about eachother...

I was vague, I didn't know..I thought he was cool, and interesting and attractive.. but when push came to shove...when he flat out asked me what I wanted.... my heart said just friends.

It was weird... It wasn't that I wouldn't sleep with him.. it wasn't that I didn't think he was cool.. he just wasn't the right person... and I didn't want to hurt him.. in that moment I felt what T. must have felt.... a little different because there wasn't that initial intensity... but similar...where I just didn't know why.. Ijust didn't want to be with him... and I didn't want to get his hopes up if he was going to fall in love with me.

That night I got ready for clinical, I had to be p at 5am.... but Q and I were texting... it was light all day... but back and forth... light hearted and friendly...

My assignment took forever to complete... and I had to stop texting but before I went to sleep I texted him... he answered.. I called.

We ended up chatting for a little bit and then he asked me if I would skype.. it was SOOOO late.. but I coulnd't say no... I couldn't wait to see what he looked like again.

And my memory served me right... he was so fucking adorable.. and so hot... He was sitting there with his dog.. and he wanted to see me :) Right away he made a comment about how beautiful I was...one thing lead to another and we were alluding to being sexual... I didn't think it was appropriate until we saw eachother again.. but all the things he said to me turned me on so much...

He told me that I just do something to him... and he wanted to see me naked... I told him.. no way! That that couldn't happen til we were in the same room. He was incorrigeable... at one point I went to the bathroom... and when I came back he didn't have a shirt on anymore. And he is crazy hot.

I convinced him to come help me take care of my friend's kids the next night... and we laughed and chatted and turned each other on...I felt like a million dollars... him telling me that I just do something to him... that he wants me so badly.

I had to get off the phone. It was late... but I will tell you.. getting off the phone I felt completely at ease.. and turned on.. and ok to be honest.

I ended up texting him kissing faces and shit.. like goofy things... that I would never even dare text someone I had just met before.. but that's how we were.

We ended up texting some more and he told me he wanted to hear me breathe.

I wanted to.. but I was worried.. I was worried he was going to feel guilty the next day.. and disappear. I made him promise that he was of sound mind... that he would come help me babysit the next day... and then let him call me.

I let him listen to me breathe.. as I listened to him breathe.. it was fantastically hot.

The next day I texted him...and he didn't respond.. it wasn't like him.

Finally I called on my lunch break... and he told me he felt like he had to pass coming that night. To be honest I was so dissapointed.... I told him I knew he was going to feel guilty... and he said he didn't, but that he didn't want to cause any problems with his wife... and he just didn't think it was a good idea. At first I was arguing.. but then I realized I just wanted him to feel comfortable.. it wasn't supposed to feel weird... Told him to think about it and get back to me.

He texted later to say he had decided to pass. I was totally bummed out, but had to respect where he was at.

I ended up texting him that night and we texted back and forth and I then asked if he was still awake when I was driving home from taking care of the boys.

I was on my way home and realized that I had a really good night... and that I had been scared to take care of the boys by myself because I didn't trust myself with them... I had noticed that I have a short temper with them and had thus been avoiding them since Christmas, trying to deal with myself... becoming calmer so that I wouldn't react poorly to them.

I wanted Q to come because I thought it would be nice to see him in a no pressure place... that it might lift his spirits to be around kids... and also.. that I thought he would be better with them. But having to embrace going by myself... ensuring that I remained calm... I had a wonderful night and ended up falling asleep with the boys.

It was another moment of seeing how when I let life happen it works.

I wanted to talk to Q. but he wasn't awake still.

The next day we texted a little... and then I texted him that night.. and I could still feel him being off.... I invited him out.. and he said no... and fell asleep.

I ended up hanging out with my friend for the night... and texted him drunk texts twice...

The next morning, yesterday I felt discombobulated. Like my brain was in malfunction...

I was really uncomfortable and I didn't know why.

I ended up calling my friend and we spent two hours on the phone... figuring shit out.

This is what I figured out by the end of the conversation.

1. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone... (tonight I realized that in fact I was wrong to make that statement.. but that's how I felt at the time.

Friday night I found myself behaving like I normally behave.. but in the morning feeling uncomfortable.... like I don't want to date anyone unless he is awesome.. I don't want to sleep with anyone who isn't awesome...

2. There's this letter that has been bubbling up inside me for a decade to my step dad.. and I haven't written it yet... but this whole letting go of these men in my life is pushing me towards the strength of letting go of him, as well as the other members of my family that have made me feel like crap

My friend got me to explain to myself that I was hurt, and its their karma to hear it.. that they hurt me and they deserve to hear that they hurt me.

The idea makes me feel so uncomfortable.

3. That I have been trying to get them to love me forever... and I do the same with men.

4. I don't want a relationship and yet its hard to break habit.... So I am left in this space of being completely confused, caught between what I want and how I act.... HELL.

I felt much less confused after our conversation...

I ended up calling Q later that day... and we talked...

He told me that he felt like he just had to focus on him.. and I said I just had to focus on me.. He told me he thought I was a test...which hurt my feelings a little... but I had to convince myself to not take it personally, because clearly he is attracted to me... clearly he likes me.. he just has to focus on himself right now.... and figure out who he is.

In the conversation I realized that we were coming to the same place from two different spaces. He was coming to wanting to be on his own from being in a relationship where he felt completely confined and looking forward to it for a couple of years... and I was coming at it from a place where all I wanted was to be in a relationship... but now I realized that I would rather be alone and in love with myself then in a relationship where I felt like I had to change anything about myself.

It was difficult for him to articulate how he felt...and I helped him out.. now that I'm thinking about it..I maybe should let him speak more and sort out his emotions rather than making suggestions.. lol... But then again.. I think I understand him..

Its so ironic that I just went through this thing with T... the whole married thing... just to find another man who is also getting a divorce.... but now I have been exhausted.

I asked Q. How he feels so sure of his heart.... and he told me about this woman..who has helped him out a lot with her guided meditations and books.

I realized while talking to him that I am always trying to please men..do what they want me to do.. be what they want me to be and I am sick and tired of it. I saw how I was starting to do that with him... instead of just being myself.. I was trying to figure out what he wanted.. which wasn't fair...

I told him that I really wanted to just be his friend for right now....he seemed hesitant...but confronting.

The end of the conversation felt awkward... I guess it was sort of like goodbye... without actuallly saying good bye... just that he's unavailable...and to be honest I don't want to have to go through that again.. waiting... trying to be what he wants.... stressed.

At one point he said “I just don't want to analyze anymore.. or talk about my emotions...I just want to be.”

I felt the same thing.

I ended up texting him last night and he didn't respond.. and so I haven't written him today. Its been excruciating I guess... I haven't been that aware of my agony... until now. When I decided to put my essay down, and smoke a bowl and go have a bath...

2 things came to me.... when I asked myself again what I wanted to write to Frank, it came back “everything you have ever wanted to say but were scared to.” While I started thinking about what are all of the things that I've wanted to say... I started looking at my life more closely.. looking at the effect he and his daughter had on me...and what came up was just how hurt I am, how much I feel like an outsider, unloved, and nappreciated. That they have made me feel like there was something wrong with me... and that I can't be true to myself... because they just don't like it. I think a lot of the things they have done are wrong... and I have spent the past 0 years trying to repair all the parts of me they broke.

That I had no idea how to take care of myself and my space because whenever I did anything I got into trouble..and anytime I didn't do anything I got into trouble..I just stopped caring.

That they set me up to fail...that I wasn't allowed to have parties.. because my brother had had a party 20 years prior.... and it had gotten out of hand.... but my step dad didn't take into account my personality..... I didn't even know people that would have a party get out of hand.

I started to look at how mean he has been to me.... and the voice again said.. “you don't have to do anything.”.

Then I thought about what I said to Q. Whether I want a relationship or not... and the answer? I actually do. I just want it to be with the one. And maybe he's not forever.. but that its completely easy....

Just before I started to write my essay tonight I was begging the universe to explain to me how I stop obsessing... all day I was obsessing over Q. Looking at his fb, thinking about him, wondering if he was going to call..trying to figure out what to say to him... I know its an addiction to male attention... and I wanted to know how to break it...

the answer?

FAITH.

That I have to just believe that he's out there.. that I believe that I am good enough to attract him and to hold my head high... and realize that if he's worth it...he'll come to me.. and that I don't have to do anything. That I just have to believe.

Why is it so difficult to believe.

I have to shift my reality where I think he is better than me.. to where I realize my own value and that if he doesn't see it.. if he is not scared of losing me.... then he's not the right one.. and I don't want to waste my time... and that's why I had to write...

Since then my ego is taking me down.. trying to fight to find out what I need to say to make him feel comfortable again... meanwhile.. I feel uncomfortable... I'm disappointed..and I'm hiding my feelings...

I want to be what he wants... cause I like him.

But my truth is that he isn't right unless he feels the same way... and it sucks that he is so caught up in the logistics of everything but that truly is the situation.. I can't change it.. so I have to move on.. let go....oh but I feel like I'm being torn from my very roots.... my interpretation is completely shifting.

Can I just tell you its so hard to shift your attention away from something that has captivated me my entire life... seeking male attention has been my entire existence... it has me distracted from my inner being.... I mean, obviously it has gotten me here... and that every relationship has been a mirror, pushing me to come to know myself.... pushing me to want more...

but now I want it all. And in my heart I don't think I need to be any better.... I just need to find a man who all he wants to do is encourage me to be me... so that I don't have to worry about losing myself... that we can learn things together... but that we bring ourselves out in eachother.. and that doesn't have to wait... I'm whole now. I am complete now.

That voice is so clear.. every way I turn.. everything I think to say or do.. it keeps coming back. Don't do anything...let whoever he is come to you...all you have to do is be yourself... you don't have to beg anyone for their attention.. either they give it to you freely... or they don't.

And even though Q. is super sexy and interesting and cool...he hasn't written you back.. so he's not worth your time.... I have to get myself over this hump of feeling like he's better than me and I would be lucky to have him... and shift it to.. I am amazing and he would be so lucky to have me.

It seems like it is right there.. but it feels like it is a million miles away. The infamous JUST... all I have to do is JUST change my thoughts to I'm amazing and he would be the luckiest man in the world to have me.... JUST... when I have never felt that way about a man that I love... ever. Shift it to feeling like if he wants me he has to prove that hes going to take care of me... and my heart... and that he will either have that already in him.. or he's not the right one for me.

JUST. ha.

This is the root.... This is where all my insecurities lie. Here. Hell.

Spending my whole life trying to prove myself... I said to the universe that I agreed that their opinions were worth anything... that I valued what they said.. even if what they said was absolutely wrong.... I never wanted to take a stance. I never wanted to say that the way people treated me was wrong... but it was wrong. I will say it now..it was wrong... really really wrong.

Its like as a kid I tried to navigate everyone so not to get into trouble.. case it hurt my heart so much... so I always tried to see their perspective.... and in so doing.. I never saw my own. I never respected how I felt.. because I was scared... I couldn't leave as a child.. I had to agree with them... or I would get yelled at... I would emotionally hurt.

So coming here is literally a turning in... a being in.... actually looking at the world from my own perspective.. not tainted by any other thoughts... only my own...

My ego is still questioning me... trying to force me out of this space of centeredness... because that place is a place where I say whatever I feel.... but not out of anger, simply out of truth.... and the addiction of caring about other people's opinions... worrying that if I don't I will cut myself off from the world... from safety...that I won't be able to take care of myself....

But its that cutting off that will actually allow me to only listen to truth... that up until now.. I have a lot of different voices in my head.. always with opinions.... and I attempt to navigate through them.. trying to dicipher my own voice...

and here I am...knowing what my own voice wants to say... but scared of getting into trouble.. scared of cutting my ties with people... scared of losing people I love... whose opinions are those that have steered me away from my own path.... that I have to step into only the things that allign with my truth.... nothing else. So that I live my own truth and don't have to worry about the opinions of those that don't matter. Anything that is against my own truth is against me.. and therefor must be ignored.

I have preserved myself.. somehow through all of this.. I have risen above.. and become more of who I am... more true to myself... and myself scares the shit out of me.

Who I am scares the fucking shit out of me...because its not anything that is tangible... its who I am that makes me special..its my truth that brings the light in my heart. Its my truth that is the truth of existance.... that I am aligning with the truth of existance... and that is a bold statement.. one that is very easily convinced to be blasphamous to be crazy. But I know it to be true.. because its my full self, being expressed. It is simply who I am.. not what I am doing.

Sitting here, writing this I kept getting this sensation around my head... I've been experiencing random moments of feeling my energy lately... its been exhillerating and terrifying. There have been three times in the past week that I was laying in bed.. trying to fully relax.. and trying to see if I could let go of the attachent I have to my body and see if I could actually feel my soul... 3 times it happened.. and before anything else could happen I got scared and sunk back into my body.

I know I am coming to a place where I am letting go of all my fears..... but man its scary.... its scary to see if what I believe in is true.. and the only way I can find out.. is if I see for myself.. if I truly let go, and just be... trust.. and see where the journey takes me inside.

It really is a shift in being.. not doing.

My internal voice is telling me to go to bed...

and just breathe, just believe, just be.

I'm fising the formatting on this post and I thnk I just came up with the solution to this siuation with Q. To thinking about similar situations.

 

I asked myself... why did you like him?

because I was myself completely and didn't even have to think.

 

What did you like most about the experience?

That I got to be intense, sexual and playful without having to worry about scaring him off.

 

Is he still making you feel that way?

No

 

How is he making you feel now?

like I've done something wrong.. that what we experienced is wrong?

 

Does that make you feel good?

No

 

Then he's not who you think....not yet...and there's got to be someone who is. Who makes you feel all those things... but is also emotionally available.

 

just breathe, just believe, just be.