this week I have felt like I'm in front of a firing squad. I have felt lost and confused. Not knowing for what I should fight for and for what I should let go. I am confused.... my emotions bubbling up inside me.. no time to process, I was left feeling suffocated... suffocated from questioning myself, of having everything I want, everything I am be turned upside down and questioned.
Its difficult looking at my life... of looking at how people have treated me.
I figured out my new tattoo.
on my foot I am going to write
"your legacy is my story... tread lightly."
Looking back on my life I cannot deny the pain people have caused me... and its not that I do not feel like I had to go through what i did... I forgive those that caused me pain... but I have to learn to step out of the way, to no longer put myself in the line of pain.... for others.... that my wellbeing is more important than how they feel.
I cannot ask people to change... I can only let them be them, and with love in my heart bid them farewell. It hurts, llike I am abandoning the people I love.. and my biggest fear is abandonment... but I have to.. I have to let them go and its tearing me apart.. its tearing my very core out...
I am not mad... I just have to protect the child in my heart, and recognize that I know better.... no appology means no change.. and I will continue to subject myself to pain.. I must step out of the suffering I have gotten used to... I have to step out of believing I owe anyone anything... and accept people for who they are.. accept they are on their own journey, and all I can do is show love.. but that doesn't mean give myself... give up my heart to people who cannot even take care of their own.
I must learn to recognize those that take care of themselves are the only ones that can take care of my heart. and those that can't can no longer be in my life... that I have to emulate, embody taking care.. and believe in myself to know that I deserveto be cherished.. to be adored, to be protected and supported.. to be loved.
In the chaos that was this week I wrote a poem... I want to share.
****
DEATH.
The power of a word moves in your soul..envokes fear, sadness, uncertainty, grief.
flashes of loved ones lost - of moments gone
Death like an unopened closet, a monster under the bed of your child self.
We either fear death or we do not.. but the pain of losing someone we love - the idea of losing all those we love -
chest constriction - door slamming shut on emotions too raw to expose
It is our fear of death that leaves us paralyzed.
But what if death were beautiful?
What if death is simply the game of life pushing us to be present - to love unaboundedly - to express ourselves without limitation?
At 20 my life shattered - like the going to seed and blowing away of a dandelion.
I was not prepared to let death in... but it is death that has give me life.. it has been death that has exposed life and all the questions life reveals.
DEATH.
A path lost - a dream lost.. and yet a promise made to be the sacrifice that revealed my life.
Death is meant to show us life, to show us our own strength
to reveal our authenticity and to make us fearless.
I was born from clay hands and paintbrushes
of dance and eclipses and contellations
of flowers and laughing and singing.. of raindrops and bubbles and rainbows.
I was born from poverty, abandonment and a broken heart
I was born from lonliness, despair and fear
I was born from the death of those clay hands
I was created out of the ashes of the deepest loss
I was renewed through depression - through drinking, drugs and sex
I was born from running away - from travelling the earth searching for my happiness
I was born from my questions of how to live.. how to survive.. how to be whole
I was created through self-compassion, perserverance and unconditional love.
I was created from the love of strangers
I was created from tears and my grief cry
the tears melting my broken heart.
tears exposing my fragility, my vulnerability and my subsequent strength
It is through death I found my courage
It is through death I found my heart
It is through death I found my inner voice
It is through death I found my truth
death revealed the authentic being that i am and gave me the courage to be me
anguish only points us to the center of our souls - to our hearts voice
and suffering is only useful until its not.
like a tapestry more beautiful than the fabrics it was weaved from
like a mozaic more beautiful than the glass that broke
i was born from the sorrow of my life
I was born from the determination to heal my soul
I was born from the acceptance of death
i am made whole by my suffering and my inability to stop believing in love
I was born from a dancers rhythm, from clay hands and paintbrushes
I was born from butterfly kisses, and lullabyes and unconditional love
I was born through the death of that soul
The biggest gift of my life is my mother's spirit
I was born from the ashes of my mom and my determination to discover why
DEATH is just life's way of revealing the light of ourselves
In humblest gratitude for the gift of death.
namaste.
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