I've been waiting all weekend to find the right time to document its events.It is 2:37 am Sunday night/monday morning and I feel that before I go to sleep the time has come.
On Friday night I twisted my ankle walking away from the bar. My friend was falling in front of me and I went to grab her and twisted my ankle both ways, and found myself in the middle of an intersection not able to get up. I moved myself to the side and sat there, trying to decipher if I had broken anything, and if it would be better for me to stand, or to go to the hospital.
after about 15 minutes, I determined that it was a bad sprain and got up. The emotions that came over me were of embarrassment, frustration and anger at my friend and the event. I sat in a local eatery crying.... emotions long pushed away bubbling up inside me.
Desperately wanting to call my mother. Trying to figure out who else I could call for moral support. I wanted a man to comfort me. I texted J, T and Q. And eventually got the courage to call Q. I left a message appologizing for the inconvenience, but wanting moral support.
The emotions that came up were of utter despair, of lonliness and of abandonment. None of them responded.
I was desperately sad that I felt I had no men in my life that cared enough, that were local.
When I got home I called JM, the man who had visited a few times in January, and who I had decided to break things off with because of the shift that occured in me around sex.
We spoke for quite sometime... crying... the ever sea of emotions bubbling up inside me.
The next day I was immediately in a space of asking why this had happened. I woke to discover that Q had deleted me and blocked me off facebook.
Among the pain of my ankle, the day before my friend JR and I broke up. She has always been quite mean in her expression of concern for me... and although her intentions come from a place of wanting to help, she judges me and makes me feel like shit about myself.... something that I have desperately fought with.... allowing myself to accept who I am and who I have been and accepting the journey, no matter how repetitive it is.... she pushes me away.... like so many people do.
A friend of mine came to bring me pain killers and show me love... and as I looked around the apartment at the chaos surrounding me... after she left I realized that in order to feel better I had to clean. No matter how long it took me. To just be with every moment.
I didn't turn on any music... and spent the day cleaning... present to the pain, to my actions, with my mind surprisingly on silent.
The physical pain brought up memories of my emergency surgery in Thailand, how unbelievably scared I was, and how alone I felt.... accepting that I could die in surgery.... but thankful that it had happened on that day,of all days, or I would have been dead.
The only people I spoke to didn't know how to comfort me... didn't understand me....the same way I feel in most of my life.
The emotional pain, coupled with the physical pain, and the loss of both JR and Q all at the same time... along with having 2 papers due this week, plus 2 assigments.... was too much for me... and in order to not fall apart, I had to silent my brain... not give it any energy....
Over the weekend, in my silence I came to realize the depth of myself....
I cut off all my hair... and I saw how I handle emotional and physical pain .. along with understanding how fragile the mind is.. and how easily one could have a nervous breakdown and end up institutionalized.
I am different.
I have a wisdom inside me that I have pushed away and covered with destructive behaviours, with the hope that I can hide.. and yet I talk a lot... always looking for attention and approval.
I have to let it go.
I ended up remembering my friend had sent a digital copy of the tibetan book of living and dying on Friday and so spent the day today reading it. It was interesting reading it, and realizing that I know of all of the wisdom it presents, without ever really having a teacher. My teacher has been life...and random authors,channelers, movies, friends and experiences... but I have come to know the truth of life.... and it scares the shit out of me.
I have come to realize my mother was one of the smartest, most compassionate people I have ever met...and that I too am the same. That I have struggled against the knowledge that is inside me, for fear of being wrong... but now, this year... as I have faced more sadness and fear than I ever have before... I am recognizing who I truly am. Who I was as a child.... and the gift my life can ultimately give others.
I am also coming to terms with the fact that I cannot save everyone... that people see what they see... through their own filter... and that I cannot judge where they are at... and not take things personally.
I finally wrote the letter to my biological father....
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Patrick,
It's takn me 2 monhs to figure out what I wanted to write you... patiently I've waited for the words to creep up inside me. Patience is not normally something that comes easy to me... but with you I somehow feel unrushed.
I've had an interesting 24 hours, week, month, year. Today I cut off al my hair.I've had long hair for a while now - a couple years- and it hasn't been this short since I was probably 22? I've been dying it since I was about 16.. every colour - every style. Most ey its ben blonde with the occasional pink accent when I really want to express myself.
The last time I dyed it was last March - and its been gowing out ever since... I decided I wanted to see my natural colour again before it all gos gray - and today I felt like cutting off all tht remaind of the blond - I am me - more me today thaan I have ever been.
Last night I sprained my ankle. Iwas embarrassed and frustrated - but then decided to figure out why it happene to e. Why now?
I s in so much pain I can't even tell you = and the teasrs just flowed.
The physical pain released memories long pushed away - experiences of my life that I am unaware of.
I talk alot. I think it may be to get me to this point. Where I feel like I finally have foundme.
The past year has put me trough the ringer - painful experiences pilled one on top of the other - the desire to be happy, t figure life out = to finish school driving me.
I feel ike I've been on a tread wheel forever - begging it to stop - wondering how to get off - tosimply realize its getting out of my head - being present - accepting life's experiences that is the answer.
My apartment wasa disaster - and I spent the day cleaning it - slowly. I've never been one to keep my place clean - in fact keeping my place clean is one of the many tasks to take care of myself that I haven't had much experience in.
But now I can't handle my place being very messy - it feels chaotic, when all I want is peace.
So I took it slow - an cleaned. Not getting frustrated, not rushing myself - jut enjoying the experince - reminding myself about how wonderful I'll feel when it's done.
This is the first apartment I've ever had that really feels like home. I finally have all my things in one place. My space is a reflection of me - and there's rainbow coloured lights everywhere - candles, inspiring quots and colour. It's nice to have such a joyous space.
The physical pain last night brought up all sorts of emotions - well mainly sadness - it's been a long time since I have experienced physical pain. Not since Thailand.
I had finished up a year of teaching english in Korea and I had been waiting to go to Thailand, Cambodia, Laos and Vietnam. I was so excited and hadn't decided what I was going to so next - but mytrip had been a dream for a long time. I had 3 weeks where had planned on visiting Laos and Cambodia before I as to meet a man who had sailboat. Like I said, I had always anted to learn how to sail - and we were to sail down the coast of Thailand - me learning along the way. ...
*****
I'll have to finish this some other time. I can't keep my eyes open.
AJ
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