Awakening

So these past few weeks have been pretty fucked up to say the least... I pretty much felt as suicidal as I have felt in years... the culmination of everything.

Honestly it was all my emotions coming barelling at me.. and being completely confronted on every level.

I have analyzed the shit out of it all and this is what I see.

I got to the point where I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life

My family treats me like I don't belong or exist... so I'm clearly a failure in that department
I am still overweight and smoke so I fail in the health department
I have been borrowing money to get by so I fail in the money department
My friend breaking up with me signaled I failed in the friendship department
and then my trusty man attention seeking to console my heart failed when Q deleted me
and then I sprained my ankle - so my body was failing
and then I failed my midterm - for the two things I was most proud of... so I felt like I failed in the person department too...

It was like this wave of self hatred swarmed over me... and I honestly wanted to die

then this week I read 2 books, spirit junkie and radical acceptance.... they have helped emensely

and this is what I have realized...

abandonment is my default pain.

it is what makes me the person I am... how deeply I love and hold on is because I made a rule that I hated being abandoned and I would never abandon anyone... its what caused me to hold on to C. for so many years... its what fueled what happened with T, its what had started to happen with Q.... that I can't let go cause I am scared I am abandoning them.. so I need to actually hear... fuck off for me to leave....

so then out of that I realized that T was there to teach me that at one point its ok to abandon... to break the rule in the name of sanity.

I realized that at the base of that abandonment was the feeling that if I could have loved them enough, if I could give them the best thing.. if I could teach them to love themselves... then they would love me back... funny as I am sitting here writing this I am thinking... it was always a direct course to me learning how to love myself... interesting :)

So I learned that I thought if only I could love them enough.. if only I could teach them they were lovable... then they would love me...

that there was a fundamental flaw with me.. and for years I have been in search of fixing this fundamental flaw... but really there is no flaw... that its not me... that some people are good for me and some are bad for me and if they are bad for me.. its ok to let go.

I can't even begin to imagine giving myself permission to leave a guy the second I see anything I really don't like about him.. to see him for who he is.

wait.. I can.. I can imagine and its liberating... I can imagine what it would be like to find a relationship that is just easy and not a struggle.... that it just happens and I don't have to convince myself of anything... I just like him and he just likes me... and there is nothing else to analyze.

:)

I can imagine not having to look back and analyze any more... to just be here now, talking about what's going on and celebrating instead of peeling away years and years of fucked up ness.

I honestly think this has all been leading here... to a point in my life where I am able to stop analyzing the past to get me to get free from it...

to be able to separate from my longing... to accept myself as my own best friend.

So... in the end I texted T and said that through him I let go of my fear, my insecurities, all the walls that I have built between me and the rest of the world... and that he helped me to see that I thought I had this fundamental flaw which I do not... that through him I realized there really is nothing I could do to change the circumstances... that if he wants to grab coffee when he figures out his shit cool, if not thanks for playing the game of life with me.

and then I deleted him today.

and with Q... a couple weird things happened... its not really important.. except I nw realize that it got complicated fast.. and its not what I want at all. That I turn into this weird person who is trying to cater to a man that she feels is somehow better than her.... so I deleted him from my phone too!

So ya... here is to being able to do this right from moment one. Are you available emotionally. yes? no? no= out.

wish me luck


we'll see

My humblest gratitude for death

this week I have felt like I'm in front of a firing squad. I have felt lost and confused. Not knowing for what I should fight for and for what I should let go. I am confused.... my emotions bubbling up inside me.. no time to process, I was left feeling suffocated... suffocated from questioning myself, of having everything I want, everything I am be turned upside down and questioned.

Its difficult looking at my life... of looking at how people have treated me.

I figured out my new tattoo.

on my foot I am going to write
"your legacy is my story... tread lightly."

Looking back on my life I cannot deny the pain people have caused me... and its not that I do not feel like I had to go through what i did... I forgive those that caused me pain... but I have to learn to step out of the way, to no longer put myself in the line of pain.... for others.... that my wellbeing is more important than how they feel.

I cannot ask people to change... I can only let them be them, and with love in my heart bid them farewell. It hurts, llike I am abandoning the people I love.. and my biggest fear is abandonment... but I have to.. I have to let them go and its tearing me apart.. its tearing my very core out...

I am not mad... I just have to protect the child in my heart, and recognize that I know better.... no appology means no change.. and I will continue to subject myself to pain.. I must step out of the suffering I have gotten used to... I have to step out of believing I owe anyone anything... and accept people for who they are.. accept they are on their own journey, and all I can do is show love.. but that doesn't mean give myself... give up my heart to people who cannot even take care of their own.

I must learn to recognize those that take care of themselves are the only ones that can take care of my heart.  and those that can't can no longer be in my life... that I have to emulate, embody taking care.. and believe in myself to know that I deserveto be cherished.. to be adored, to be protected and supported.. to be loved.

In the chaos that was this week I wrote a poem... I want to share.

****
DEATH.

The power of a word moves in your soul..envokes fear, sadness, uncertainty, grief.
flashes of loved ones lost - of moments gone
Death like an unopened closet, a monster under the bed of your child self.
We either fear death or we do not.. but the pain of losing someone we love -  the idea of losing all those we love -
chest constriction - door slamming shut on emotions too raw to expose
It is our fear of death that leaves us paralyzed.

But what if death were beautiful?

What if death is simply the game of life pushing us to be present - to love unaboundedly - to express ourselves without limitation?

At 20 my life shattered - like the going to seed and blowing away of a dandelion.
I was not prepared to let death in... but it is death that has give me life.. it has been death that has exposed life and all the questions life reveals.

DEATH.

A path lost - a dream lost.. and yet a promise made to be the sacrifice that revealed my life.
Death is meant to show us life, to show us our own strength
to reveal our authenticity and to make us fearless.

I was born from clay hands and paintbrushes
of dance and eclipses and contellations
of flowers and laughing and singing.. of raindrops and bubbles and rainbows.

I was born from poverty, abandonment and a broken heart
I was born from lonliness, despair and fear
I was born from the death of those clay hands
I was created out of the ashes of the deepest loss
I was renewed through depression - through drinking, drugs and sex
I was born from running away - from travelling the earth searching for my happiness
I was born from my questions of how to live.. how to survive.. how to be whole
I was created through self-compassion, perserverance and unconditional love.
I was created from the love of strangers
I was created from tears and my grief cry
the tears melting my broken heart.
tears exposing my fragility, my vulnerability and my subsequent strength

It is through death I found my courage
It is through death I found my heart
It is through death I found my inner voice
It is through death I found my truth

death revealed the authentic being that i am and gave me the courage to be me

anguish only points us to the center of our souls - to our hearts voice
and suffering is only useful until its not.

like a tapestry more beautiful than the fabrics it was weaved from
like a mozaic more beautiful than the glass that broke

i was born from the sorrow of my life
I was born from the determination to heal my soul
I was born from the acceptance of death
i am made whole by my suffering and my inability to stop believing in love

I was born from a dancers rhythm, from clay hands and paintbrushes
I was born from butterfly kisses, and lullabyes and unconditional love
I was born through the death of that soul


The biggest gift of my life is my mother's spirit
I was born from the ashes of my mom and my determination to discover why

DEATH is just life's way of revealing the light of ourselves
In humblest gratitude for the gift of death.

namaste.

being stopped in my tracks - gratitude through pain

I've been waiting all weekend to find the right time to document its events.It is 2:37 am Sunday night/monday morning and I feel that before I go to sleep the time has come.

On Friday night I twisted my ankle walking away from the bar. My friend was falling in front of me and I went to grab her and twisted my ankle both ways, and found myself in the middle of an intersection not able to get up. I moved myself to the side and sat there, trying to decipher if I had broken anything, and if it would be better for me to stand, or to go to the hospital.

after about 15 minutes, I determined that it was a bad sprain and got up. The emotions that came over me were of embarrassment, frustration and anger at my friend and the event. I sat in a local eatery crying.... emotions long pushed away bubbling up inside me.

Desperately wanting to call my mother. Trying to figure out who else I could call for moral support. I wanted a man to comfort me. I texted J, T and Q. And eventually got the courage to call Q. I left a message appologizing for the inconvenience, but wanting moral support.

The emotions that came up were of utter despair, of lonliness and of abandonment. None of them responded.

I was desperately sad that I felt I had no men in my life that cared enough, that were local.

When I got home I called JM, the man who had visited a few times in January, and who I had decided to break things off with because of the shift that occured in me around sex.

We spoke for quite sometime... crying... the ever sea of emotions bubbling up inside me.

The next day I was immediately in a space of asking why this had happened. I woke to discover that Q had deleted me and blocked me off facebook.

Among the pain of my ankle, the day before my friend JR and I broke up. She has always been quite mean in her expression of concern for me... and although her intentions come from a place of wanting to help, she judges me and makes me feel like shit about myself.... something that I have desperately fought with.... allowing myself to accept who I am and who I have been and accepting the journey, no matter how repetitive it is.... she pushes me away.... like so many people do.

A friend of mine came to bring me pain killers and show me love... and as I looked around the apartment at the chaos surrounding me... after she left I realized that in order to feel better I had to clean. No matter how long it took me. To just be with every moment.

I didn't turn on any music... and spent the day cleaning... present to the pain, to my actions, with my mind surprisingly on silent.

The physical pain brought up memories of my emergency surgery in Thailand, how unbelievably scared I was, and how alone I felt.... accepting that I could die in surgery.... but thankful that it had happened on that day,of all days, or I would have been dead.

The only people I spoke to didn't know how to comfort me... didn't understand me....the same way I feel in most of my life.

The emotional pain, coupled with the physical pain, and the loss of both JR and Q all at the same time... along with having 2 papers due this week, plus 2 assigments.... was too much for me... and in order to not fall apart, I had to silent my brain... not give it any energy....

Over the weekend, in my silence I came to realize the depth of myself....

I cut off all my hair... and I saw how I handle emotional and physical pain .. along with understanding how fragile the mind is.. and how easily one could have a nervous breakdown and end up institutionalized.

I am different.

I have a wisdom inside me that I have pushed away and covered with destructive behaviours, with the hope that I can hide.. and yet I talk a lot... always looking for attention and approval.

I have to let it go.

I ended up remembering my friend had sent a digital copy of the tibetan book of living and dying on Friday and so spent the day today reading it. It was interesting reading it, and realizing that I know of all of the wisdom it presents, without ever really having a teacher. My teacher has been life...and random authors,channelers, movies, friends and experiences... but I have come to know the truth of life.... and it scares the shit out of me.

I have come to realize my mother was one of the smartest, most compassionate people I have ever met...and that I too am the same. That I have struggled against the knowledge that is inside me, for fear of being wrong... but now, this year... as I have faced more sadness and fear than I ever have before... I am recognizing who I truly am. Who I was as a child.... and the gift my life can ultimately give others.

I am also coming to terms with the fact that I cannot save everyone... that people see what they see... through their own filter... and that I cannot judge where they are at... and not take things personally.

I finally wrote the letter to my biological father....

****************************

Patrick,

It's takn me 2 monhs to figure out what I wanted to write you... patiently I've waited for the words to creep up inside me. Patience is not normally something that comes easy to me... but with you I somehow feel unrushed.

I've had an interesting 24 hours, week, month, year. Today I cut off al my hair.I've had long hair for a while now - a couple years- and it hasn't been this short since I was probably 22? I've been dying it since I was about 16.. every colour - every style. Most ey its ben blonde with the occasional pink accent when I really want to express myself.

The last time I dyed it was last March - and its been gowing out ever since... I decided I wanted to see my natural colour again before it all gos gray - and today I felt like cutting off all tht remaind of the blond - I am me - more me today thaan I have ever been.

Last night I sprained my ankle. Iwas embarrassed and frustrated - but then decided to figure out why it happene to e. Why now?
I s in so much pain I can't even tell you = and the teasrs just flowed.

The physical pain released memories long pushed away - experiences of my life that I am unaware of.

I talk alot. I think it may be to get me to this point. Where I feel like I finally have foundme.

The past year has put me trough the ringer - painful experiences pilled one on top of the other - the desire to be happy, t figure life out = to finish school driving me.

I feel ike I've been on a tread wheel forever - begging it to stop - wondering how to get off - tosimply realize its getting out of my head - being present - accepting life's experiences that is the answer.

My apartment wasa disaster - and I spent the day cleaning it - slowly. I've never been one to keep my place clean - in fact keeping my place clean is one of the many tasks to take care of myself that I haven't had much experience in.
But now I can't handle my place being very messy - it feels chaotic, when all I want is peace.

So I took it slow - an cleaned. Not getting frustrated, not rushing myself - jut enjoying the experince - reminding myself about how wonderful I'll feel when it's done.

This is the first apartment I've ever had that really feels like home. I finally have all my things in one place. My space is a reflection of me - and there's rainbow coloured lights everywhere - candles, inspiring quots and colour. It's nice to have such a joyous space.

The physical pain last night brought up all sorts of emotions - well mainly sadness - it's been a long time since I have experienced physical pain. Not since Thailand.

I had finished up a year of teaching english in Korea and I had been waiting to go to Thailand, Cambodia, Laos and Vietnam. I was so excited and hadn't decided what I was going to so next - but mytrip had been a dream for a long time. I had 3 weeks where  had planned on visiting Laos and Cambodia before I as to meet a man who had  sailboat. Like I said, I had always anted to learn how to sail - and we were to sail down the coast of Thailand - me learning along the way. ...

*****

I'll have to finish this some other time. I can't keep my eyes open.

AJ

you do not have to be good.... mp3 that saved me.

link David Whyte Poetry of self compassion

a little sunshine to brighten your day.

Anxiety takes over - February 12,2008

At the gull - took the day of work. Really overwhelmed with leaving - have been anxious all day and having panick attacks. Thinking about the things I want to do befre I lave. Upset I won't have a home to come home t... Sad. Realized this week that CL is the only guy that I can behave like an idiot around and he'll still be around - still love im - mss im - know that I have to get over him. Talked to him last week and told him I needed to get over him - that I've spent the past 2 years hoping that he will turn around and loveme. Sad tht I'm not the girl that will crack him.

Confused about leaving - not knowing when I'll come home. pset that so mch of my stuf is in the barn - getting ruined. Sad I haven't visited mom's grav site or seen F in over a year. Realize I sabbotage myself with guys - I know sex - nothing else.

Worried about grandma's ring and mom's ring - worried about my pictures from when I was little - Japan etc.

Goin to miss my freds terribly. I reallymiss mom - hoping that I'll see and meet P (my biologicl father) - wan so much from life - not sure what next.

Growing spiritually - knowing I need to let go - realized this week hatI have a really hard time saying no to myself.

Confused - very confused. I kno that I am exactly where I need to be, but overwhelmed with it.

Ironic - that I always was worried about saying/doing something that would scareCL off - only to ealize now that he's the only guy that's still there. Loyal?

Worry about everyhing - especially what people think of me - especially when it comes to sex. Wish I had a partner - think too much - analyze too mch - can't spend time by mself - tried grounding myself during my panick attacks.

Need to move/sell my stuff. see my friends - tie off loose ends - get my visa - figure out how to pay my bills in Korea. get laptop - clothes - luggage. Feel inadequate.

Decided to go to Korea becase I have noreal roots here - at the same time overwhelmed by that truth.

Realzing having to parent myself.Not sure how - Too much thought. Way too much thought.

Wish sometimes life was simpler - but know if it was.. I would be bored.

Not sure wht to expect. Toomuch going on in my head.

Realize first time snce Banff that this change is all on my own - that no one has control but me. Africa - CL broke up wih me - Mom died - it's completely up to me to go - very weird.

Going because I WANT to and not knowing if I'm ready. Hope I am. Will I be able to handle being there? by myelf?

Excitbut have many other thigs to worry about.

Confused. Hopeful - still happy - and thankful that I CAN go anywhere.

Ungle G. said that mom was always about letting life take you wherever - maybe she really wanted this for me. Wanted to give me the freedom to do whatever I wanted.

Realization - that full body buzz I get when I'm sick - that I thought it may be a key to something geater - it comes really easily to me... i's my being - my doorwy beyond this world and when I feel this way it scares me - right now 'm feeling my inner body and it scares me because I'mnot in control - letting go is terrifying because I don't feel in control - maybe I am in contro - that its my ego that isn't - ad it's my ego that's scared - not me.

I'm reading Eckhart Tolle and its making me really think I am whole - being whole - being happy - right now it scares my ego - scares what I relate to as me.

January 9, 2008 - Eat Pray Love

So, considering I haven't written in forever I decided to journal - journal my thoughts and my revelations - not just the pain and suffering - and saw this journal half empty and it called to me to be used. Im in the process of reading a book called Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and every word she writes I find something about myself. Today I would like to start documenting my realizations

That I beat myself up constantly for who I am and what I do -as though I think I could be anyone else. That there's much to learn but I need to embrace and love everything about me, that I can become aware and responsible for what I say and do - but still follow with I love you and you are perfect.

That my not being out of love w CL is not the end of the world and to stop hating myself, but rather ask myself - is this right for you? Is this trully an expression of who you are - and that it will take time - and practice.

hat you have your own path abd on it you won't always find approval - but tha following your heart and your integriy will promote happiness - and ultimate respect.

You must follow your own heart. That you know that your forgiveness of CL and your love for him is ultimately loving yourself - but inside that letting him go is self-respect - and that above all else you must respect yourself.

That perhaps when you want a man or sex you shold ask yourself what this is REALLY about... and try to deal with it as opposed tostuffing it inside you - BUT - that when you choose that path to not hate yourself for doing it .

Only YOU know what you need.

You tell yourself this but never really embrace it. You will only find a man when you are doingwhat you love - and are up to something. SO LET GO and find someone - they will come - you are a light for someone - just TRUST in the devine. BUT be in action, allow yourself to be open  Love yourself

If ever you are in doubt. Be silent - andask your mm for guidance - she will show you the way. How lucky you are to have someone in that place .. so close to you - for she can help you with some of the questions.. just love and respect her - but ultimately - ask yourself - listen to GOD within and accept the answers he/she gives you.

He is your father - she is your mother.. they will telyou but moreor - you know because they reside within you. You are god - you are love. You are everything

Just ask yourself.. and when you do.. you will find theaswers.

TRUST YOURSELF.

AJ

when I realized I hated myself - May 13, 2006

It all boils down to self-hatred. When did you look to other people for acceptance.

What are the things you do to hurt yourself - or that demonstrate your lack of respect.

smoking
accessive drinking
accessive sex
not doing dishes
not cleaning my room
staying home when I say I'll meet someone.
Lavalife
no excercise - trying to skimp
not brushing my teeth
not having a shower everyday
snacking
not washing my hands all the time

What are the things you know show you love yourself?

passion about myself
get involved with things I love
pride for myself
wanting to be single

cleaning the dishes
doing laundry
cleaning/making the bed
excercising
shower everyday
brush teeth 2x a day
washing hands all the time
stop smoking
stop having sex/being promiscuous
eating healthy/regularly

sex- no rough sex



How did you feel when mom hit you? is that what made you feel unworthy -

deal with this before you are with someone who hits you to make you see your worth it and something is wrong - well that you need to deal

love you
read
run
laugh

April 4, 2006 - support from an adult

...The Gs arrived almost 2 weeks ago - they have been my saviours if youwill - they have listened - given advice - and taken me to places I needed to go mos - which has been the schools - I organized most of thir trip - set up a package for them - helped with off loading the truck and organizing boxes and then setting p packages to give to the teachers - So finaly after headaches - misdirection and confsion we set ot yesterday to visit 12 schools - everyone has brought a new smile to my face - schools that had once not had a single book - now have passing rates that have gone from 0 to 50%. They sing - and dance - and laugh - its trully why I am here - and it makes me sad that the last week I'm here - is the first time I have evperienced the real Zimbabwe - I jst hopetht perhaps my next adventure will bring with it more hands onexpriences - and that maybe one day I can create a project like the Gs - another thing that I have learned from themis how great a team a couple can be - and trully recognize the importamce of finding someone that is interested in the same things. They have travelled theorld and have given themselves wholly and together - I know that that is what I need and wan......


April 9, 2006

... Thursday night we left for the Falls - we stayed at a Lodge in Hwange that night - on our way into the park e saw  giraffee - it was beautiful - - I can't believe how graceful - butit was night so we didn't take pics. Our lodge was pretty nice, the boys had cabins on stilts which was really cool. I ha my pwn lodge - I told CL and told him I wish he was there with me (on the message) it was a really romantic place - On Friday we got up at 5:30am for safari - we went for three hours and in the park we saw a herd of zebra- a couple crocs, ostrich, secretary birds - a tortoise - impala - other antelope - a kackel andlots of birds - no monkeys - no elephants - no giraffs. Then on our way out we ended up seeing a couple of families of babboons and two giraffe. They were magnificent about 15 meters from our vehicle - then after breakfast we hurried off to the falls we had missed canoeing - rafting had been cancelled - etc. So we ended up just eating lunch at the Kingdom then going to see the falls. They were so strong you could barely see anything - we ended up goingback to the hotel and had a drink - around 8 the lodge owner got a call and said that there were elephants in the neighbourhood - we left the lodge and could hear cracking down the road in the dark. The lodge manager grabbed his vehicle and when he turned the corner there were 3 huge bull elephants eating at the end of the street. ... the next morning we got up went down to town and Dan and I made a crazy decision to do the gorge swing - I cannot beleveI did it - a 70 meter free fall - very few thoughts happened - one second the guy was counting and then - there I was at the bottom of the gorge - it was stunning down there - unbelievable - so that was esentially my trip......

....M  said something really moving before he left - he said "you know how we've been fighting for the kids? Now you need to go home and fight for yourself cause no one is fighting for yo - a truth I think thats hard to believe...
AJ

the first time I realized my brain told me something different from reality - March 19, 2006 (Zimbabwe) -

Well today I had a conversation with D  that was very revealing in many ways, it was what I needed although now a lot has been lost in the day - alot still remains. For certain he told me that I talk a lot about  CL, FH and my mother - and that it dismisses a lot of what people are saying. Also it closes the conversation and possibility. We also talked about how being vulnerable  is the awkward moments in life and not necessarily those things you think you are vulnerable in. We also talked about how I always want to find the solutions to things - but the solutions take time - and if suurgery were performed right now on development - without the knowledge of how to support the system - people- the system will die.

Finally - we aso talke about the idea that the world is conspiring for you. A concept I had never put into words - or maybe even thought of. Howeverin oder to use you guides - you have to know where you want to go. - this concept makes a lot of sense - however where I think about it most is with CL.

We talked the othr night - more open and honestly than since we broke up - inside him telling me how much he wants to sleep with me - a couple of things were said - first I asked if he thought I was hot - yes he replied - I asked him why he had never told me - that it would have been niceto know and easier - he responded by elling me that he didn't want to be blamed for my insecurities - I wasn't - but told him how convinced I was tat he didn't find me attractive - whether he said it or not - I heard him saying - of I was - and am - I was with you! - something that would seem obvous to everyone but me - that he was with me - and found me attractive.

Another tings was doing things that would have ensured a better sex life - they were as crazy as him coming home and me being naked waiting - even though I convince myself today that I tried - the honest answer is I can hear myself worrying about bothering him - making a fool of myself - not getting what I wanted - being a burden or imposing - something I find I do everything to avod here too - but it was interesting to hear similar things inside both of these conversations. Finally I had asked C. L.  whe he wanted so badly to break up with me - he said because he wanted to be alone and single. thinking it was about me was being full of myself. Although I was hrt that he said that - and I said that he was selfish cause whether or not he liked it - his decision impacted me - cause - I was there too - BUT..I did hear his answer - and although he had said it before - I got that it REALLY isn't about me - I asked him if he could see us getting back together - he said he didn't think so - why - he didn't say - I would like to know sometime - but nonetheless it was interesting and revea ling - that everything isn't awayls about me - and I conduct life like it is - and hurt a lot because of it - can you imagine having the knowledge to have known that CL was attracted to me the whole time and never second guessing myself.
And F - I know none of this stuff is about me - but its still hard in a weird way that it isn't. However - I suppose there is some peace in knowing that it isn't about me - and maybe focusing on issues that more effect me - I know I crave drama - but maybe its good to start looking at my life in a less dramatic way being more confident and progressive And - maybe going into my next relationship without drama that he doesn't like me - the whole time - Can you imagine? I was convinced - and still find my brain trying to convince myself that he didn't like me - even though he was withme - a very weird notion. Maybe I can find my peace in that.

AJ

msgs from friend before Zimbabwe

A.,
It was a pleasure to know you. I have to say you're one of the kindest most real, most beautiful people I've met. You need to take care of yourself though. Iknow you're going to have a blast and really shine over in sunny Zimbabwe. Who knows, maybe you'll catch a sligh jungle fever? I'll be sure to check in with your blog often because I'm very interested in your endeavors. Just remember to "keep it real" and "take care of you"
please keep intouch
S.
********************************

Well, I resent not being the FIRST to write in your journal, but I'll forgive you :)

A., I've told you before and I'll tell you again - I'm so proud of you. You are an incredibly strong, boldly powerful, beatiful, giving and inspiring woman. It excites me to know that you will inevitaby blossom more... WOW!

Have a fantastical adventure sweetheart.... tak pictres (!), be SAFE, spread the light and love wherever you venture, and stay strong and healthy and l trust your instincts - you'll conquer all obstacles you face, no doubt about it!

See you on the other side, l love you!

K.

:)

January 18, 2006

January 18, 2005

I know its an odd day to begin a new journal. No significance no new year... not even then end of another journal, as I have so many unfinnished laying around. No, today I put C. on a plane to Moncton, for one week. It seems sort of silly that not seeing him for a week would upset me, I guess that's change. It's incredible how much one's life can change in a year....or two. Even a moment without him fills me with heart ache. I race home after school and work just to see him smile. Sometimes I wish we could just become one body and then I wouldn't ever have to spend a minute apart from him. It's weird, I don't have a bed time without him around. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch even though I know I'm tired and he's going to be a while on the computer. I just can't bear to fall asleep without him next to me. Even when I'm frustrated o mad with him, I'd pick laying next to him with our backs to eachother,than laying anywhere else.

Sometimes, though it bothers me that I can't talk to him about my mom...It's not that he doesn't listen, is that I feel silly, or that he doesn't care. Sometimes I feel so sad, but don't feel like I should tell anyone. Most of the time I'm fine. I barely think about it, but sometimes it ctches me off guard, it seems surreal. I don't think my body can competely capacitate that I have't heard her voie in almost a year and a half. I just wish sometimes that I could have a mom hug. She was the best hugger.

It's so bizarre that my life really divided on the day she died. There was the 2 months in between her death and the birth of the relationship with CL, but I trully feel like I have a completely different life. It's amazing how much you can change and what love does to you.

 

Somtimes I think that I would give up all my dreams to travel and explore the world, just to have a family and CL beside me forever. Hemakes me laugh....sometimes 'til my tummy hurts.

 

Do you think mom can tell how much I love him? Do you think she knows how much I love her? or miss her?

 

Do you think C. knows the depth of my love for him? I sometimes think he doesn't let it in. I hope he knows how much he is worth and how much I would give for his eternal affection. I think about my life, think about the drinking and sex, how many women play the scene well into their late 20's or early 30s, maybe I'm an old soul, like so many have said. I'm searching for something bigger than this.

 

I think I'm crazy to want a family at my age, bt then I think my mom mst hve been crazy and felt so inadequate, scared and alone, but she did it!

 

So, right now I am laying in bed, with an emptiness in the space beside me. I invited Max (the dog) and Woodley (the cat) to sleep wih me for comfort. Funny how a year and a half ago I went to the bar ad woke up beside whomever the next morning. Sometimes no one, with a faint memory of the night before. Now there is no part of me that won't wake up tomorrow hoping that CL is miraculously beside me.

 

Anyways. I don't want to seem crazy, just in love.

 

AJ

The shift to self care

Today was really interesting. I felt tangential this morning, and I ended up sitting in the parking lot at school for an hour and a half.. and just couldn't go in. I was feeling overwhelmed and sad.

I have realized that I have tis amazing foundation  of love and nutrition from my mother.. that she truly was the smartest most interesting person I have ever met.. but through moving to my step dads place, her being misunderstood my whole life and her subsequent death.. I have been angry and confused about who she was and who I am.

I feel like my taking care of myself has correlated with my accepting her, and myself fully.

I received some money, finally,this week... and today I found myself looking up vegetarian recipes and going back to hot yoga. I feel like my lack of taking care of myself has been that the way I know how to take care of myself has been so controversial over the years that I have spressed myknowledge... and finally the world isn't so scared of that knowledge anymore.. and I need to embrace it.

I think, ultimately... its been this whole thing with Q and T. I think that meeting two of the loveliest men I have ever met in my life.. and have them be at points in their life where they like me... but are unable to give me any love or care has stripped me down and made me feel like it isn't my fault anymore...

Its weird.. its almost like I don't care about attracting any other men.. because if they are fucked up... then there's no hope in meeting anyone who isn't.

Its not a conscious effort.. its just as though my inner radar has shifted away from men... to myself.. which ultimately is probably the whole point of the universe giving me these men.... to teach me to focus on myself.

I have a goal of losing 2 lbs by summer... for the first time in my life I want to be able to put on a bikini and be proud of my body...

I made a vegetarian sheppards pie tonight... folded my laundry and did the dishes. I am supr proud of myself today.... quiet is coming over me. Satisfaction with the little things... here's to hoping it sticks :)

When can you speak your truth?

Its a question I have been silently searching for for my whole life.. when is it safe to be myself? When is it safe to speak my truth?

I grew up with a mother who was incredibly intuitive and intelligent 50 years ahead of her time.

The things we are speaking about right now as a collective ... I was learning about as a child.
#1 we are one
#2 god is love
#3 when you have emotions let them out... if you don't they will eat away at you
#4 touch is essential for the soul
#5 love everyone... even the ones that hurt you
#6 believe anything is possible... even when the circumstances say they aren't
#7 dance
#8 play music
#9 be who ever you are
#10 follow your dreams

I learned these values from my mother.... I have been trying to figure out how I got all screwed up.... if my mom was so loving and encouraging towards me... and what happened is she couldn't be herself.

I watched throughout my life how my mother was constantly misunderstood, judged, rediculed, hated..... I heard it from family members, from friends, from parents of friends.... and I got scared.

I got really scared that the world was not safe for peple like my mother... and subsequently I internalized that the world was not safe for me.

I have been exponentially hurt by everyone I have ever deeply loved as a child... except for the two girl friends I have, whose mothers were as "crazy" as my own.

so.... in order to survive I have played the game... I have played along with everyone's rules for my life... in order to make sure I have a roof over my head, food, an education..... I have played by the rules...

and the rules are subtle... people give you rules by telling you not to cry and getting mad if you do... by not wanting to listen to what you have to say... or worse.. humiliating you for saying something they don't agree with.... by avoiding you when they hurt you..... people teach you how to treat them... and sbsequently yourself... and it goes on silently... and no one is aware... until I woke up.

I am in the midst of it.. of coming to comeplete clarity... its scary... but it has to happen.

So when does someone speak their truth?

WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.

Through suffering. Through seeing the other side of life..... through recognizing that something has to change... and that the fight for that is worth more than perpetuating the bullshit.

I have not cared for myself for a very long time... I feel like this blog is a complete testement to that suffering... to the pain I received from others.. and the subsequent pain I inflicted on myself.

I believe in people.. I root for their very core... but I do it without wanting to hurt them...

I made a promise to myself after my mom died... that I would never compare my own suffering to another... and that no one can understand the gravity of the pain I have experienced until they too have been through it... so their worst day would still feel like their worst day... even if its that their dog died.... that that pain to them, is as painful as losing my own mother.

It was a good resolve for the subsequent experiment ofmy life... where I then lived a life full of compassion.... but I believe that in making that choice I didn't respect the degree to which I was hurt.

Now... I'm starting to see who I really am... and in order t do that I've had to really look at my life and the people in it... and evaluate them.....and our relationships.

My pain allowed me to see how broken people are... and how easy it is to be broken... that when I didn't deal with the loss of my mother... when I was scared to be myself.... I hurt myself... I lost faith in life... in love... I judged and was annoyed by my mother... and so I subsequently judged and was annoyed with myself....

being able to finally allow myself to accept the pain... I can look at her as a person.... and all the things she taught me.. and all the things she was bad at.... and recognize that everyone ELSE was WRONG about my mother...

and they are wrong about me.

So when do you speak your truth? when your truth is more valuable than the lie. When I realize that I ca't live being afraid to piss people off. I can't be afraid to be controversial.... I just have to do it from love... from speaking to the inner beauty in all people... to let them know who they really are.

The truth is bubbling up inside me..... the truth I have been hiding. ME.

I am no longer willing to put up with people who are mean to me. and I am not going to stay quiet about why.... I will never be deleberately mean.. and I will speak from my heart... with no judgement.. simply the truth.

You made me feel like I was the left over garbage. You never considered how I might be feeling. Yo have never once, in 12 years called me, you got mad at me everytime I did anything wrong....

you rediculed my mother and told lies about her... you didn't support her when she needed you.... you didn't appreciate her properly.

you got frstrated at me when I didn' come home when mom was sick, but you never offered me money to pay the rent... even though you knew that I couldn't afford to come home.. and you had money in the bank.

On the night my mother died you had a tantrum.. and instead of worrying about my mother.. I was worrying about whether or not you would feel guilty for the rest of your life.

You stole that money from me... my mother trusted you to take care of me...and you didn't... she would be ashamed of you....

You took my heart and didn' give a shit about how I felt.

You broke my heart.

You hurt me.... when you...

ignored me...
didn't offer to help me out when I didn't have a job and couldn't find one and couldn't pay rent
you supported J when he wrote the meanest letter to me ever.
instead of offering me money when I am struggling this semester.... you suggested I drop out of school.

you didn't value me
all you cared about was what you got out of it... not me as a human being.

that's my truth so far... now I just have to find the courage... through remembering all the trauma I have been through and that I am still alive.... I can handle anything.

How do you get to happiness?

So.. I've just spent the past 3 days in this space of confusion.. and now all these thoughts are pouring out of me.... so this maybe all over the place but I have to get them out...

yesterday I was walking down the drive way and thinking about what I am most excited for when I have a little extra money... because for the past two months I have had only enough for rent, gas and food....

my answers?
david's tea .... I have 4 flavors from them that I absolutely love and when I have a little extra money I splurge on tea.... tea is comforting. read my lips, love potion #7 ,jessie's tea and mother's little helper.... they sooth my heart...

organic vegetables....I just feel better when I have organic veggies around... especially because I like to juice

yoga - I started doing hot yoga in the fall and it made me feel better about myself

healthy soap, so shampoo and conditioner that is free of parabens and is friendly to the evironmnent; dish soap and laundry detergent that is biodegradable and isn't tested on animals.

gluten free bread - its so expensive but delicious

anything organic - anything that I eat, I feel better when I eat organic things...

What I am most looking forward to having/doing/buying when I have money?

A kayak and a canoe

A tent and camping equipment

A really good camera

new clothes that fit

cute underwear

get a tattoo

make my own wine

having proper winter clothes

having a good computer

having environmentally friendly makeup

TRAVEL - I need to get on the road again... feel the earth and the world... meet new people... try new foods - its when I feel most alive

Fulfilling my bucket list
**************************
My bucket list

learning the guitar
learning how to can my own produce
learning how to garden
learning how to turn over in a kayak
kayaking down the west coast of canada
sailing around the world
setting foot in every country in the world
learning spanish
learning italian
learning tibetan
learning sanscrit
public speaking
getting the nobel peace prize
building my own house
the gibbon experence in Laos
seeing the pyramids
swimming with dolphins
seeing the pyramids in as many countries as possible
going to a secluded waterfall with a large pool with a man I love
seeing base camp everest
learning yoga in India
visiting Dharamsala
visiting the salt flats - bolivia
visiting the gorges in Norway
going on a wine/food tour of Italy
running my hands along prayer wheels in Nepal
learning to surf
learning to rock climb
learning to sew costumes
owning a trampoline
having a swimming pool so I can swim laps
writing a book
owning a potters wheel and making my own plates
learning how to paint


soooooo... if that's what makes me happy... if those are the things I wantin my life... then what makes up happiness?

I asked myself why do I have to be poor? or what has being poor given me?

I now know what I want... I know what makes me excited to have when I don't have.
I know what I really want because I dream about it all the time. Poverty has shown me what I value most. A roof over my head, food, gas in my car, and my education. Close friends. clothes without holes. being able to go for sushi dinner once in a while. being able to buy people gifts - I'll be honest.. this is the hardest thing about poverty... not being able to give the people I love special gifts from me.

So what is happiness?
Happines is free from worry
free of concerns
free of stress
free of feeling empty
free of feeling lonely
free of anger
free of hatred
free of longing
free of missing
free of sadness
free of hunger
free of insecurity
free of judgement
free of guilt
free of shame
access to nature
time to spend with the people we love
freedom

Happiness is not a destination... happiness is inside of us when we remove all the negatives.

Imagine if we lived in a world that was not concerned with profits or money in anyway?
Imagine when you went to the hospital you got the best care for you... not the most efficient.. but the best care?
Imagine when you went to the super market you got the healthiest food?
Imagine you got the most environmentally friendly clothes?
Imagine your kids were taken care of when you needed them to be?
Imagine you got to travel when you wanted?
Imagine you got to fulfill your own bucket list?


Imagine or government consisted of a person from every demographic? Imagine our government was in fact the heads of all the NGOs in Canada? Or atleast the largest ones? All the organizations that had the country's true best interests at heart?

Imagine how much it would free up people if they didn't have to worry about school debt, a home or food? Imagine every person was given enough money to go back to school and learn anything they wanted?

there's a good question?

If you had enough time and money to go back to school for anything... what would it be?... just to see?

I have this idea of making a website where it asks a question and uses your camera to record your answers....just a huge compilation of answers from around the world

Some of the questions I would ask

well I guess 1. would be if you had enough time and money and making money after wasn't a concern... what would you go to school for?

Whats on your busket list?

What do you think happens when you die?

I want to ask the oldest, healthiest people in the world their philosophy on life and what they think has allowed them to be healthy for so long

What are the top 3 most important things you have learned in your life?

What are the consistant patterns in your life?

What is the most beautiful place you have ever been?

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?

What are your top 3 pieces of advice to anyone?

What is the order you dry yourself off when you get out of the shower?

What is your go to favorite food?

How do you eat your oreo cookie?

When you are in a hospital what are the things you are most concerned with?

What hurt you the most in your life?

What frustrates you the most?

What do you think needs to change most in the world?

What do we need to change to accomplish peace?

****************************************************
In my world, in my experience happiness is letting go of judging... its trusting the universe to take care of you through listening to your heart... trusting your heart is in alignment with the universe...letting go of having to control things.... realizing that the way people talk to you, or about you is the way they talk to themselves.... that it has nothing to do with you...that's why we are all mirrors to eachother.

I am now seeing.... I find men that ignore me.. because I ignore myself.

and that is why I needed the train of thought... to get here.... fucking mirrors.

Hell.... the bottom of everything...pure confusion...just breathe, just believe, just be.

I cannot tell you how much I am avoiding writing... avoiding thinking... avoiding feeling. The past 40 minutes I finally started asking myself how I was feeling... of course its happening during a time where I have a paper tomorrow, an exam on tuesday, an assignment due tomorrow night... I have to pay my phone bill and figure out things with my bank account. There's just so much going on... and here I am in emotional turmoil... AGAIN! Ugh.

I suppose this is what I get from being spontaneous and living from my heart... I get to always live on the edge... lol... awe man the ledge is scary... its scary to stay calm when my emotions are bubbling up inside me.

Ive been feeling completely disconnected from my body and my brain... On Saturday morning I was confused and incoherent... I felt like I was just babbling for the sake of babbling... I ended up talking to a friend of mine for a few hours and it felt like I sorted out some things in my heart....but then again today... I'm being confronted... and so no matter how inconvenient it is for me to have all this due, be 2:45 in the morning, when I have shit loads to do... I have to look at this.. or I will never get through the next two weeks... I will be distracted so I don't have to look.

All I've been feeling in the past couple of days.. whenever I go to do ANYTHING... my heart says... just be. Be quiet. Be receptive. Be available. Be present.... BUT ITS SO HARD... I'm always going.. doing something... trying to avoid....

How can I possibly just be.

Its ironic that I got just breathe, just believe, just be on my wrist... its my mantra... and here I am... at the cornerstone of my life... and those three things are the answer.

So just when I finally let go of the two men in my life that have occupied my heart, my mind and my attention... the two men that I have loved over the past year.... when I realize that I have to do the same with my family... I meet someone.

Completely by surprise... I met Q.

Ok... now that I am actually writing... and asking myself how I felt... wow.. this is really hard.

I met him at the very end of the night last Saturday. It was weird. I wanted to go out.. I ended up texting this guy I had met twice before who was really cool and asked him if he wanted to go for a beer. He told me he was at a house party, I asked if it was intimate or if anyone could come. He said I should come. I went.

When I got there it was a really funky group of people... and I found myself.. just being myself... and found that the vast majority of the people there were drawn to me... without me doing anything.. they listened to what I had to say.. and wanted to be near me... it was a really cool feeling.

But there was a part of me that really wanted to go dancing.... so by 1am... even though I was having a lot of fun... I decided to pull myself away and go dancing.

Two of the guys came with me.

We danced for an hour.. they left and I stayed for the end of the night.

I ran into a group of people that I run into all the time dancing and they invited me to a house party they were having.

I turned around and there was this man behind me. Lets just say he was probably the most handsome man I have ever seen in my entire life. Just standing there.

I promised I wouldn't pick up anyone that night.. that I wasn't going to get attention.. I was going for me... but I found myself wanting to know who he was.. and why the hell he was standing there at the end of the night.. by himself.

I walked up to him and asked him his story. Turned out he was waiting for a friend. It was the first time he went out without his wife who he was breaking up with. He is from South Africa. Immediately we had a connection... I was really honest with him and him with me. I don't even remember everything that was said... but we quickly found ourselves out on the sidewalk mutually trying to figure out how we could continue the conversation. We were going to go to a local restaurant... but then he found out his wife was there... so I asked if he wanted to walk me back to my car... not that I was going to drive it.... he said yes... I remember us both being relatively anxious to keep talking.

We got to my car and I ended up telling him the entire story of L and C. and the car and the newspaper... it took forever.. and I occupied the entire conversation.... at one point he kept texting.. and he didn't want to stay distracted.. so he told me that it was his wife asking him if he would grab a cab with her... I told him that I would prefer if he stayed.. but he has to follow his heart. He told me he didn't want to cause problems and that he should go...

but before he left he said that I was so awesome.. so alive...and asked me if I would go for coffee with him sometime. Absolutely I responded. And then he asked if he could kiss me... absolutely he could. So he kissed me.. and it was the most perfect first kiss ever.. it was hot, and relaxed, sensual and present... it was perfect :) man... writing it and remembering it makes me smile :)

I asked to kiss him again before he got out of the car... he asked me for my phone number.. told me he would call for sure and we would definitely go for the coffee. He was nervous... he was nervous leaving... but he promised.

I ended up needing to go to the bathroom, and so went back to where the party had been.. only to find the host, M. still awake. I haven't mentioned him yet, but when I got to the party he greated me.. he was lovely... and his apartment was quirky, he was quirky and I would totally be lying if I didn't say that I thought about his potential in terms of dating. He writes and produces his own one man play.. and he's smart... he has really good energy about him... and he was totally in to me.

So after Q left, I ended up going back there.... I'm not sure why, peeing was only an excuse.. I knew that he was attracted to me.. we had something buzz between us...

I ended up staying for an hour or so.. and we too were really honest with each other.. I ended up telling him about Q and we talked about relationships... I said that I was ready to find love... but that I needed a man to be bold and confident.. and that I usually don't have faith that men are competent and courageous enough to actually say what they feel... but I need a man who does.. who tells me hes interested in me and doesn't keep me confused.

M. ended up telling me that he thought I was beautiful and cool and would date me. I smiled. I was going to stay.. but then I felt like I should really go to my friend's who had set up a bed in her place for me. I left and M. told me he would call me really soon.

The next day I ended up hanging out with my friend's room mates. They were lovely and I talked most of the time. We ended up all going skating and I left relatively early because I wanted to get caught up on school work so I wouldn't feel behind.

While we were skating M. called me... it was so nice and I was super happy... not scared and not knowing how I felt.. just feeling happy.

Q. didn't call.

The whole day I thought he may have lost my number.. now that I think about it I was worried all day... I hadn't checked it... but I kept telling myself... if its meant to be... he will have the number.. there is nothing I can do about it now.

Then he texted me.

I was so excited.

Hmm.. this is interesting.. I can't remember the sequence of events now... because I've supressed them... probably because of what's happened. This is why I have to write more frequently.. then I can't forget.

We texted that night.. and he told me that we would definitely go for that coffee sometime.. but he felt like it should happen after everything calmed down with his wife moving out. I completely agreed... and was super proud of myself for being ok with just letting it be. Everytime we said good bye... we kept talking...

M called me that day and we ended up having a really good conversation.

The next day Q and I texted.... and then he ended up texting me that she got home so he had to stop.

It was so weird.

The next day, Tuesday, M. called, and invited me to go to a movie. I decided to decline because I had so much school work.....

Q and I texted again.. this time the ended up telling me he had just spent the day helping his wife move out. .

I was shocked. I had thought it was happening in a month...

Finding out it happened that day?

That night I ended up calling Q... and seeing how he was doing. I was going to write a note telling him I think that he shouldn't worry about me or trying to impress me.. that he had to properly close this chapter of his life and that I thought he just needed me to be a friend for right now... but then I decided just to call. I was worried about him.. and I wanted to know that he was ok... it never occurred to me that it may be inappropriate.. I was just concerned. All I could think of was that it would be scary the first night being on my own after 10 years of being with the same person. We ended up talking for atleast an hour...

Wednesday M. called again.. we ended up having a really long conversation... which ended up in a very frank conversation about what we felt about eachother...

I was vague, I didn't know..I thought he was cool, and interesting and attractive.. but when push came to shove...when he flat out asked me what I wanted.... my heart said just friends.

It was weird... It wasn't that I wouldn't sleep with him.. it wasn't that I didn't think he was cool.. he just wasn't the right person... and I didn't want to hurt him.. in that moment I felt what T. must have felt.... a little different because there wasn't that initial intensity... but similar...where I just didn't know why.. Ijust didn't want to be with him... and I didn't want to get his hopes up if he was going to fall in love with me.

That night I got ready for clinical, I had to be p at 5am.... but Q and I were texting... it was light all day... but back and forth... light hearted and friendly...

My assignment took forever to complete... and I had to stop texting but before I went to sleep I texted him... he answered.. I called.

We ended up chatting for a little bit and then he asked me if I would skype.. it was SOOOO late.. but I coulnd't say no... I couldn't wait to see what he looked like again.

And my memory served me right... he was so fucking adorable.. and so hot... He was sitting there with his dog.. and he wanted to see me :) Right away he made a comment about how beautiful I was...one thing lead to another and we were alluding to being sexual... I didn't think it was appropriate until we saw eachother again.. but all the things he said to me turned me on so much...

He told me that I just do something to him... and he wanted to see me naked... I told him.. no way! That that couldn't happen til we were in the same room. He was incorrigeable... at one point I went to the bathroom... and when I came back he didn't have a shirt on anymore. And he is crazy hot.

I convinced him to come help me take care of my friend's kids the next night... and we laughed and chatted and turned each other on...I felt like a million dollars... him telling me that I just do something to him... that he wants me so badly.

I had to get off the phone. It was late... but I will tell you.. getting off the phone I felt completely at ease.. and turned on.. and ok to be honest.

I ended up texting him kissing faces and shit.. like goofy things... that I would never even dare text someone I had just met before.. but that's how we were.

We ended up texting some more and he told me he wanted to hear me breathe.

I wanted to.. but I was worried.. I was worried he was going to feel guilty the next day.. and disappear. I made him promise that he was of sound mind... that he would come help me babysit the next day... and then let him call me.

I let him listen to me breathe.. as I listened to him breathe.. it was fantastically hot.

The next day I texted him...and he didn't respond.. it wasn't like him.

Finally I called on my lunch break... and he told me he felt like he had to pass coming that night. To be honest I was so dissapointed.... I told him I knew he was going to feel guilty... and he said he didn't, but that he didn't want to cause any problems with his wife... and he just didn't think it was a good idea. At first I was arguing.. but then I realized I just wanted him to feel comfortable.. it wasn't supposed to feel weird... Told him to think about it and get back to me.

He texted later to say he had decided to pass. I was totally bummed out, but had to respect where he was at.

I ended up texting him that night and we texted back and forth and I then asked if he was still awake when I was driving home from taking care of the boys.

I was on my way home and realized that I had a really good night... and that I had been scared to take care of the boys by myself because I didn't trust myself with them... I had noticed that I have a short temper with them and had thus been avoiding them since Christmas, trying to deal with myself... becoming calmer so that I wouldn't react poorly to them.

I wanted Q to come because I thought it would be nice to see him in a no pressure place... that it might lift his spirits to be around kids... and also.. that I thought he would be better with them. But having to embrace going by myself... ensuring that I remained calm... I had a wonderful night and ended up falling asleep with the boys.

It was another moment of seeing how when I let life happen it works.

I wanted to talk to Q. but he wasn't awake still.

The next day we texted a little... and then I texted him that night.. and I could still feel him being off.... I invited him out.. and he said no... and fell asleep.

I ended up hanging out with my friend for the night... and texted him drunk texts twice...

The next morning, yesterday I felt discombobulated. Like my brain was in malfunction...

I was really uncomfortable and I didn't know why.

I ended up calling my friend and we spent two hours on the phone... figuring shit out.

This is what I figured out by the end of the conversation.

1. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone... (tonight I realized that in fact I was wrong to make that statement.. but that's how I felt at the time.

Friday night I found myself behaving like I normally behave.. but in the morning feeling uncomfortable.... like I don't want to date anyone unless he is awesome.. I don't want to sleep with anyone who isn't awesome...

2. There's this letter that has been bubbling up inside me for a decade to my step dad.. and I haven't written it yet... but this whole letting go of these men in my life is pushing me towards the strength of letting go of him, as well as the other members of my family that have made me feel like crap

My friend got me to explain to myself that I was hurt, and its their karma to hear it.. that they hurt me and they deserve to hear that they hurt me.

The idea makes me feel so uncomfortable.

3. That I have been trying to get them to love me forever... and I do the same with men.

4. I don't want a relationship and yet its hard to break habit.... So I am left in this space of being completely confused, caught between what I want and how I act.... HELL.

I felt much less confused after our conversation...

I ended up calling Q later that day... and we talked...

He told me that he felt like he just had to focus on him.. and I said I just had to focus on me.. He told me he thought I was a test...which hurt my feelings a little... but I had to convince myself to not take it personally, because clearly he is attracted to me... clearly he likes me.. he just has to focus on himself right now.... and figure out who he is.

In the conversation I realized that we were coming to the same place from two different spaces. He was coming to wanting to be on his own from being in a relationship where he felt completely confined and looking forward to it for a couple of years... and I was coming at it from a place where all I wanted was to be in a relationship... but now I realized that I would rather be alone and in love with myself then in a relationship where I felt like I had to change anything about myself.

It was difficult for him to articulate how he felt...and I helped him out.. now that I'm thinking about it..I maybe should let him speak more and sort out his emotions rather than making suggestions.. lol... But then again.. I think I understand him..

Its so ironic that I just went through this thing with T... the whole married thing... just to find another man who is also getting a divorce.... but now I have been exhausted.

I asked Q. How he feels so sure of his heart.... and he told me about this woman..who has helped him out a lot with her guided meditations and books.

I realized while talking to him that I am always trying to please men..do what they want me to do.. be what they want me to be and I am sick and tired of it. I saw how I was starting to do that with him... instead of just being myself.. I was trying to figure out what he wanted.. which wasn't fair...

I told him that I really wanted to just be his friend for right now....he seemed hesitant...but confronting.

The end of the conversation felt awkward... I guess it was sort of like goodbye... without actuallly saying good bye... just that he's unavailable...and to be honest I don't want to have to go through that again.. waiting... trying to be what he wants.... stressed.

At one point he said “I just don't want to analyze anymore.. or talk about my emotions...I just want to be.”

I felt the same thing.

I ended up texting him last night and he didn't respond.. and so I haven't written him today. Its been excruciating I guess... I haven't been that aware of my agony... until now. When I decided to put my essay down, and smoke a bowl and go have a bath...

2 things came to me.... when I asked myself again what I wanted to write to Frank, it came back “everything you have ever wanted to say but were scared to.” While I started thinking about what are all of the things that I've wanted to say... I started looking at my life more closely.. looking at the effect he and his daughter had on me...and what came up was just how hurt I am, how much I feel like an outsider, unloved, and nappreciated. That they have made me feel like there was something wrong with me... and that I can't be true to myself... because they just don't like it. I think a lot of the things they have done are wrong... and I have spent the past 0 years trying to repair all the parts of me they broke.

That I had no idea how to take care of myself and my space because whenever I did anything I got into trouble..and anytime I didn't do anything I got into trouble..I just stopped caring.

That they set me up to fail...that I wasn't allowed to have parties.. because my brother had had a party 20 years prior.... and it had gotten out of hand.... but my step dad didn't take into account my personality..... I didn't even know people that would have a party get out of hand.

I started to look at how mean he has been to me.... and the voice again said.. “you don't have to do anything.”.

Then I thought about what I said to Q. Whether I want a relationship or not... and the answer? I actually do. I just want it to be with the one. And maybe he's not forever.. but that its completely easy....

Just before I started to write my essay tonight I was begging the universe to explain to me how I stop obsessing... all day I was obsessing over Q. Looking at his fb, thinking about him, wondering if he was going to call..trying to figure out what to say to him... I know its an addiction to male attention... and I wanted to know how to break it...

the answer?

FAITH.

That I have to just believe that he's out there.. that I believe that I am good enough to attract him and to hold my head high... and realize that if he's worth it...he'll come to me.. and that I don't have to do anything. That I just have to believe.

Why is it so difficult to believe.

I have to shift my reality where I think he is better than me.. to where I realize my own value and that if he doesn't see it.. if he is not scared of losing me.... then he's not the right one.. and I don't want to waste my time... and that's why I had to write...

Since then my ego is taking me down.. trying to fight to find out what I need to say to make him feel comfortable again... meanwhile.. I feel uncomfortable... I'm disappointed..and I'm hiding my feelings...

I want to be what he wants... cause I like him.

But my truth is that he isn't right unless he feels the same way... and it sucks that he is so caught up in the logistics of everything but that truly is the situation.. I can't change it.. so I have to move on.. let go....oh but I feel like I'm being torn from my very roots.... my interpretation is completely shifting.

Can I just tell you its so hard to shift your attention away from something that has captivated me my entire life... seeking male attention has been my entire existence... it has me distracted from my inner being.... I mean, obviously it has gotten me here... and that every relationship has been a mirror, pushing me to come to know myself.... pushing me to want more...

but now I want it all. And in my heart I don't think I need to be any better.... I just need to find a man who all he wants to do is encourage me to be me... so that I don't have to worry about losing myself... that we can learn things together... but that we bring ourselves out in eachother.. and that doesn't have to wait... I'm whole now. I am complete now.

That voice is so clear.. every way I turn.. everything I think to say or do.. it keeps coming back. Don't do anything...let whoever he is come to you...all you have to do is be yourself... you don't have to beg anyone for their attention.. either they give it to you freely... or they don't.

And even though Q. is super sexy and interesting and cool...he hasn't written you back.. so he's not worth your time.... I have to get myself over this hump of feeling like he's better than me and I would be lucky to have him... and shift it to.. I am amazing and he would be so lucky to have me.

It seems like it is right there.. but it feels like it is a million miles away. The infamous JUST... all I have to do is JUST change my thoughts to I'm amazing and he would be the luckiest man in the world to have me.... JUST... when I have never felt that way about a man that I love... ever. Shift it to feeling like if he wants me he has to prove that hes going to take care of me... and my heart... and that he will either have that already in him.. or he's not the right one for me.

JUST. ha.

This is the root.... This is where all my insecurities lie. Here. Hell.

Spending my whole life trying to prove myself... I said to the universe that I agreed that their opinions were worth anything... that I valued what they said.. even if what they said was absolutely wrong.... I never wanted to take a stance. I never wanted to say that the way people treated me was wrong... but it was wrong. I will say it now..it was wrong... really really wrong.

Its like as a kid I tried to navigate everyone so not to get into trouble.. case it hurt my heart so much... so I always tried to see their perspective.... and in so doing.. I never saw my own. I never respected how I felt.. because I was scared... I couldn't leave as a child.. I had to agree with them... or I would get yelled at... I would emotionally hurt.

So coming here is literally a turning in... a being in.... actually looking at the world from my own perspective.. not tainted by any other thoughts... only my own...

My ego is still questioning me... trying to force me out of this space of centeredness... because that place is a place where I say whatever I feel.... but not out of anger, simply out of truth.... and the addiction of caring about other people's opinions... worrying that if I don't I will cut myself off from the world... from safety...that I won't be able to take care of myself....

But its that cutting off that will actually allow me to only listen to truth... that up until now.. I have a lot of different voices in my head.. always with opinions.... and I attempt to navigate through them.. trying to dicipher my own voice...

and here I am...knowing what my own voice wants to say... but scared of getting into trouble.. scared of cutting my ties with people... scared of losing people I love... whose opinions are those that have steered me away from my own path.... that I have to step into only the things that allign with my truth.... nothing else. So that I live my own truth and don't have to worry about the opinions of those that don't matter. Anything that is against my own truth is against me.. and therefor must be ignored.

I have preserved myself.. somehow through all of this.. I have risen above.. and become more of who I am... more true to myself... and myself scares the shit out of me.

Who I am scares the fucking shit out of me...because its not anything that is tangible... its who I am that makes me special..its my truth that brings the light in my heart. Its my truth that is the truth of existance.... that I am aligning with the truth of existance... and that is a bold statement.. one that is very easily convinced to be blasphamous to be crazy. But I know it to be true.. because its my full self, being expressed. It is simply who I am.. not what I am doing.

Sitting here, writing this I kept getting this sensation around my head... I've been experiencing random moments of feeling my energy lately... its been exhillerating and terrifying. There have been three times in the past week that I was laying in bed.. trying to fully relax.. and trying to see if I could let go of the attachent I have to my body and see if I could actually feel my soul... 3 times it happened.. and before anything else could happen I got scared and sunk back into my body.

I know I am coming to a place where I am letting go of all my fears..... but man its scary.... its scary to see if what I believe in is true.. and the only way I can find out.. is if I see for myself.. if I truly let go, and just be... trust.. and see where the journey takes me inside.

It really is a shift in being.. not doing.

My internal voice is telling me to go to bed...

and just breathe, just believe, just be.

I'm fising the formatting on this post and I thnk I just came up with the solution to this siuation with Q. To thinking about similar situations.

 

I asked myself... why did you like him?

because I was myself completely and didn't even have to think.

 

What did you like most about the experience?

That I got to be intense, sexual and playful without having to worry about scaring him off.

 

Is he still making you feel that way?

No

 

How is he making you feel now?

like I've done something wrong.. that what we experienced is wrong?

 

Does that make you feel good?

No

 

Then he's not who you think....not yet...and there's got to be someone who is. Who makes you feel all those things... but is also emotionally available.

 

just breathe, just believe, just be.