giving in.

So... I have had a really interesting weekend... and past couple of weeks...

but last night I ended up having a really interesting conversation with my best friend... who is also on a similar journey as me. She just met this man that she fell instantly in love with... and he said he didn't want to have children and she has since had to accept that she cannot sell out on herself.. and so subsequently had to break up with him... I see so much of me and T. in her relationship...

where she is him and this guy is more like me.... but talking to her, I have come to accept that she is doing the right thing for her... and he doesn't know himself well enough to let go.... accept himself fully... and be ok with his own decision and hers...

I see myself in him, because I still am not at a place where I feel secure enough in who I am that I see myself even capable of letting a relationship go that isn't exactly what I want.

I have felt more comfortable sharing about my feelings towards T with her, now that she understands how when you meet someone who resonates on the same frequency.. how quick you can fall in love with them....

I realized something last night.... that for three months I have been beating myself up for having these emotions.... telling myself constantly how stupid I am.. how rediculous this is to not let a guy go when he hasn't even responded to me in a month and a half.... I feel rediculous.. like I'm missing something.. and then our conversation flickered light into a space in my heart that felt so dark and confused....

she asked me, if I felt this way about T. and I knew that if I knew that my lack of athleticism was one of the main complaints he had.... why I didn't start working out every day since.... it was an interesting question..and ironically I had thought the same thing yesterday earlier.

One thing about us, I realized is that what really kept us apart is that our deepest struggles. My weight is my biggest.... its almost like I can't admit it to myself... because admitting it is saying I don't love myself... and its so daunting.... its not something that I can fix overnight.

Its like I, unconsciously don't want to put the effort in... just incase I fail... I have struggled with the excuses I come up with my whole life. I have lost a lot of weight, but recently I have put my health again on the back burner...

in the conversation I allowed myself to for a split second stop beating myself up.. and said "maybe I should just accept that I am rediculously in love with this guy.. and put the effort I need to into myself in order to become this woman I want to be... with the hopes that we find eachother again... something to look forward to.... maybe in that process I will come to realize that I don't even want to be with him... but right now I am stagnant... I am resisting how I am feeling and it has left me in this space where I am not progressing externally... " for a split second... allowing myself to not feel guilty for feeling this way about him I felt a sense of relief... like I didn't need to fight any more....

it seems so counter intuitive to allow myself to love a man that doesn't love me back... and make the changes I need to make to see if I can become the woman he needs me to be.... because I don't want to change for a man... but then, I can't deny the relief, the sense of calm and the excitement of being able to actually do something about the situation instead of sitting back and feeling ripped off.... like I'm not good enough....

because really its what I want for me too...

not to mention its not just the losing the weight.. its knowing that I can accompish ANYTHING I put my mind to.. its knowing my own resolve, knowing my own strength ... becoming a woman and no longer a girl who expects things to just come to her without putting the effort in. This is something that spreads throughout so many areas of my life.

I play small... its so difficult to push myself out of that space.... it really requires me to move out of my head and into my heart and accepting how much I want this and not self sabbotaging myself... because I am scared... its really putting myself in the space of creator..

they say what you resist, persists.... I think this is one of those things.... I can't change how I feel about him.. I can't make myself stop thinking about him.. I can't force myself to not remember... so I have to accept that I feel this way.. and do something for myself.. that will hopefully empower me to move through this feeling and beyond it.

I want to be able to look down at my body and be proud of what I have accomplished....

I will tell you, my weight is so hard to admit that I don't like because everyone says you should love yourself.. that you shouldn't judge yourself...its easy to buy into that.. and think that its not loving yourself to want to change.. but authentically it is completely the opposite... I need to love myself enough to be honest about how I feel about myself..and make the changes necessary to feel as whole and beautiful as I know I can be...

and hopefully if I can actually do this.. the process may actually allow me to see my greatness.... give me the confidence I need to make the changes in the world I really want to make.

so here's to hoping.... giving in to the emotions.. and no longer resisting that I am not designed any other way.. this is my journey.. and no matter how much I try to deny it.. there it is.. looking myself in the mirror every day.

wish me luck.
A

its so difficult to actually admit that you want to change for not only yourself... but for someone else.. it feels very unnerving and out of control... because who wants to want to change for someone else...thats so vulnerable.. what if I become that woman and he doesn't want me still? or worse, I don't want him.. after all the letters...all the hoping?

but I guess its just the game of life... I won't know unless I try... give it my all.. and see what happens. I certainly would want him to want to change for me....

The other thing is I have realized that I am not at a place in my life where I feel worthy enough yet.. where I could stay true to what I want yet... so in an interesting way I feel blessed that we never did end up getting together... because it would be so easy for me to just compromise on myself... just to keep him.. and if anything does happen in the future.. after pushing me away for so long.. I have to be at a place where he has to prove himself to me... or anyone for that matter... instead of just accepting the minimum... I need to feel worthy of having everything.. and be the kind of person that allows a man to fight for me... show me that he wants no one else but me.. and no longer feel so insecure about being abandoned.

That's my biggest karmic barrier.... abandonment. I know I am on the right path to breaking that cycle... but man its so difficult to figure out what I need to do in order for me to get through that fear. This scares the shit out of me... admitting this is even scary... especially because he may even read this one day... and being comepletly honest about what I still struggle with... the fear of failing... is all very trying.

Who knew tackling my biggest demon, my weight,  is the only way I will overcome my fear of abandonment... they seem so far from eachother.. and yet.. there they are... self sabbotage... maybe its because its way easier to accept someone doesn't like me for my weight.. than for who I am...

ugh. I really don't want to have to do this! lol.

Another thing I have recently realized is I really don't know what I want. I had come to this feeling of not wanting to be in a relationship.. a traditional relationship.. that I don't even know if I want to have kids... but I don't know.... because of this experience with T. watching my friend and her decision... I can't deny that there is a large part of me that wants to be married and have a family of my own. I think maybe I just have lost hope that I could have it all.. and its easier to simply accept that its not going to happen.. instead of wanting it and being dissapointed.

Working really hard for something and then not getting it I think plagues most of us.... fear of failing instead of embracing the journey.. that I will never be the same person again.. regardless of the outcome.. I will learn about myself.. I will become someone I don't know yet... and maybe that's what scares me the most.

not having any more excuses for having the life I want.

Fuck this following your dreams is confronting. No wonder its so difficult to get to happiness... you really have to deal with everything in your life that keeps you from it.

A