you and yourself

I found this written May 16th, 1999.

You and Yourself

It is rewarding to find someone whom you like, but it essential to like yourself.
It is quickening to recognize someone as good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable.
It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect, admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.
For you cannot live in someone else.
You cannot find yourself in someone else.
Someone else cannot give you a life.
Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one, you will never leave nor lose.
To the question of your life, you are the only answer
To the problems of your life, you are the only solution.

- unknown author

Its so beautiful...

Starting to read this old journal I am able to start seeing how I have always been, what I have changed, what kind of person I was... its interesting.... what I have seen so far?

I ALWAYS see the best in people... I never see the bad...and literally don't believe the bad. I also saw that I was really busy... always doing something... and just figuring out how to get shit done.

The coolest thing I read though was that apparently a woodpecker hit my window and I ran downstairs...ok I'll write what I wrote

Thursday, May 6, 1999

And then there was today. You see yesterday I went to another day for Ananda's workshop in miracles, I manifested that 'I would meet someone profound, that would impact my life positively and someone I could relate to. "

This morning I heard a thump on my window and a squeal and I knew a bird had hit my window. I ran outside to find a woodpecker lying on the ground. I thought it's neck was broken, but I picked it up, held it in my hands and stroked it's little body, he sat p and then lay his head down. I put my hand out and he flapped his wings and flew around my shoulder, to land on my shoulder.

(as I'm reading this I'm thinking.. what the fuck? this happened to me? CRAZY!.. I actually am having a hard time believing it because I have no memory of this event.... )

I went told mom and different things happened until the bird flew away....I had met my someone...


As if I wrote that!

*****

So the weirdest things have been happening lately... honestly its scaring the shit out of me... and yet excites me.... I'm constantly being told that I have something to say that people should hear...

like really? how many people have people saying that to them? And how many people who do have it said to them maybe a handful of times in a month?

I scared fucking shitless right now....

I'm trying to keep it together.. my step dad had a stroke, a couple.. and is slurring his words and its terrifying, just finished my exams... been so worried about money... just.. well my normal life of SOOOO much stress lol... and then there's this part of me that sparkles even when my whole world feels like its crashing down all around me.

This year has taught me how to be calm in the face of calamity.

but it doesn't get rid of fear.... it just makes it more bearable.

This past week has been crazy intense for me. Really training myself in the art of accepting what life gives me and not struggling against it... but god its confusing... I think that's why all this chaos is happening and its getting closer and closer together.... cause I'm training myself to align with life... and that can only happen if I can train myself to be calm when I feel overwhelmed and depressed. To know I can step out of that... no matter how hard it is.. there it is.

The week ended with this weekend.

When I was driving back from Toronto on Friday I started thinking about T. As I do.... but this time I felt worried... it was weird... then I started a battle with myself.

my head and my heart going at it.
head: you are just trying to figure out ANOTHER way to talk to him
heart: maybe, but you have never in three months worried about him
head: you promised yourself that you wouldn't write him.. if you write him you are breaking that promise to yourself
heart: the rule served its purpose for the past three weeks... if there is one thing you know its that rules should be broken... if you listen to your heart... you know it'll never steer you wrong
head: if you write him he's going to keep thinking you are a crazy person
heart: he already does... but somewhere inside him he will appreciate the sentiment
head:you are just trying to come up with an excuse to be in communication with him... for god sakes A., you said goodbye!!!!!!!!! you are retarded.
heart: just trust that you haven't felt this way before... you do.. and so just write him and see... if he doesn't respond that's ok... just in case though... its important.... and if he thinks you are crazy for it... well so be it... he'll think you are crazy no matter what you do.


so I did... I wrote him a quick email... because I've deleted his number.. lol

it said "Hey im driving home from Toronto... Uou popped into my head.. But it was a feeling like worry. Are you ok?
Its just an odd feeling... Tge thought thay accompanied the feeling was something was wrong... More wrong than usual.
Just thought id check... Just in case you needed support"

I just hit send, and then when I got home I reread it and sent another that said

"Sorry about the spelling mistakes... Lol I know thats a pet peeve. I shouldnt have been texting while driving.
Just worried."

I was so nervous sending them because I know that he thinks that its weird... I think he pities me a little.. that I have feelings for him that he can't reciprocate and feels so bad about it he can't even talk to me... I think that maybe he doesn't write me because he's trying to protect me from myself and help me get over him. Like I'm a lustful teenager... not like these feelings are real.

But this feeling is so strong that I believe he is sooo much like me that there is a part of him that understands why I would send that message... because its something he feels sometimes.... so me having a feeling and asking about it isn't crazy...

The rest of my night kept getting more and more interesting... I spent three hours trying to convince myself to not go dancing... it was totally fucked.

For the first time in a week I finally started feeling myself again and totally in love with my life again and ended up calling a bunch of friends just to talk... I ACTUALLY got the courage to call my best friend who hasn't spoken to me since Thanksgiving... we ended up having a fight over whether I took her cigarettes...

she got SOOO mad at me over text and I was shocked... I asked her what this was really about and she couldn't tell me.... she just kept getting meaner and meaner.... I had spent the day with my friend Marc and found out his dad had cancer.. I went to my cousins and had him tell me about how hard it is with his mom having Alzheimers and then I went to my Uncles to have my cousin act like a bitch to me and have to smooth that shit over...

So I just couldn't take her shit and told her to leave me alone.

I ended up writing her an email about how we needed to sit down and talk about what was going on.... I forgot to mention this last bombardment of texts was one of many things that happened over the weekend of her being overly mad at me.

The last time we got into a fight and I sent her an email she got mad at me and told me to call.

I'm still scared to call because her husband screens her calls.

So I sent her an email.

and then I sent her another about me coming up and maybe we could go for coffee

and then I waited... until a month ago when I called her when my step dad had the heart attack and I didn't know how to handle it. She told me to sleep and eat... take my time. but was on the phone with me for maybe 3 minutes and when I asked if I could see her she made a bunch of excuses... so I left it. She hasn't called since... but I got up the courage to call on Friday night... her husband answered and I asked how he was... he said fine.. then I asked to speak to her and he said she is unavailable... I said D... Please let me speak to her... he said "no... good bye" and hung the phone up on me.

BRUTAL....

So I wrote this email to her:

"And that is why I don't call because D screens your calls and shuts me out so im not just having to figure out whats wrong but I have to feel even shittier than I already did.
I havent called you because I was scared to call you. I finally get the courage to call and now I feel like I was right not to call because exactly what I thought would happen did.
But my relationship is not with your husband... Its with you.
I was calling to make up.
I dont know what set you off that day... Because you dont talk to me anymore about whats really going on. Then you get mad and I have no context.
Im sorry for whatever I did.
when you are ready to get over this and talk to me. Im here always.
Love

......
So that hurt... but I guess we have been here so many times that I should be used to it by now.. but everytime it scares me that I am going to lose her for good... and I just get so sad... and want to fix it...even though I know I can't... I just have to let it play out.

*****

So then... I talked to an old friend of my mother's for 2 hours... it was awesome...

****
sorry just had to go dance... was getting a little overwhelmed.. lol.. I went into the bathroom and danced looking at myself in the mirror.. flabbergasted that through all the shit I've been through I have become this really great person and I am super proud of myself...I can't believe how closely I am following my heart these days and how things are really just becoming more beautiful... even the pain is becoming more bearable like a dance.... having faith like I will pass through this soon.

So ya....  the conversation with my mom's friend. It was soo interesting her take on my mother... she was saying that my mom was late for her wedding! and she was in charge of the flowers and so the flowers never arrived.. CAN YOU IMAGINE? lol... and I will confess breaking the habit of being late is one of the hardest habits to break.... when I was a kid... we were NEVER on time. I remember as a kid waiting outside the school for 2 hours after a dance waiting for my parents to pick me up. It was totally fucked... now that I am thinking about it.

anyways we talked about some interesting things.. I shared my perspective on why I think my mother died.... and how that has served me in my life....

****
hmm I wonder if this is a good place to share my analysis of my mother's death?
I think maybe it is...
I'll have to tie it in though..
***

Ok... so yesterday I was hanging out with my friend A. He's this super fucking cool guy from Jamaica who lived at both Jane and Finch and Driftwood... he's seen it all.. and he's seeing life for the truth that is... He's like me.

So he was saying that the biggest problem with people is that they are scared of death... and until they learn to accept it as a part of life they will all be scared.... and its only the people that accept their mortality that they realize they have a choice.... how to be in that life.

I completely agree.

and here is what I think of my mother's death

******

I think my mother got sick and died because she gave up on herself... she no longer had any more big goals.. she wanted for her whole life to get married....to be loved.... and she got it.

When I was 16 I was in Japan and my mother called me and asked me why she was on the planet. I remember thinking "what the fuck? you know I'm on the other side of the world right? you can't go be having a nervous breakdown on me when I'm on the other side of the freaking world." I was so mad at her.... what the fuck was she talking about? that's not for me to figure out! god! YOU SHOULD FREAKING KNOW!... I can't even tell yo how mad I was at her for burdening me with this ever so pertinent question... so my answer "to have me.... you are here to have me.... and I will change this world.. you'll see."

That's all I had.

I think she never found her path... and that her path was to have me... get married... her last wish I guess....

hmm.. writing this I am seeing the remarkable divinity in that.

I she got sick because she never dealt with her shit... and so she never found her path... and so she got sick and died...

But then on another level... I think she died because it was exactly what needed to happen for me to become this person... to be born to a woman who LOVED me more than anything in the world and encouraged me to be EXACTLY what I was.... and then, when I was at the point where I should go define myself... she died... sort of serendipitous eh?... talk about being pushed from the nest!

I can't even tell you what this life has been like for me.... 20 with no mother was INSANE.... and then have my whole family act soooo weird around me... and I was so fucked up I couldn't bear going near anyone... it was sooo painful to be loved by anyone because it reminded me of the love I lost... NO ONE'S LOVE WAS THAT GOOD... every one's love was microscopic to the love of my mother.. the people in my life were judgmental of me... and never thought I was doing the right thing for me...

but I knew they loved me... whoa I think I am figuring this out right now...

So... I pushed love away because their love seemed so fickle... but I had to come to realize that that was just their level of love.... and that I had to accept that I just loved more... and accept that I would get hurt... hmmm.. I don't think I ever realized that I would keep getting hurt.. I think I just hoped they would change.... and many times I would convince myself that I was being too sensitive or selfish when I would get hurt because I couldn't believe they would hurt me the way they did...

Mom's death forced me to believe in love above everything.. because towards the end of her life her and my relationship wasn't the greatest... not to mention her getting sick was the scariest thing in the world and I was broke so I wouldn't come home very often... anyways... turned out she didn't really write me in the will... she put her husband's kids in.. but not me. I honestly felt like a dagger went into my heart.. because her husband sort of gave that to me as evidence that my mom didn't WANT to take care of me... while he kept all the life insurance money and wouldn't let me move home when I was in an abusive relationship... It was totally FUCKED..

My life went from a loving family to everyone treating me like fucking shit... and I had to fight through that... and the major reason I did was when I was in Korea I caught myself convincing myself that no one loved me and I had no family.. and my heart whispered to me "yes you do"...

it was my friend T who changed everything for me. I met her in Toronto the year that I started this blog I think...

She saw who I was and came in like a freaking fairy god sister and loved me. Like my mom's kind of love. and when all that shit went down with surgery in Thailand and deciding to come home.. she was the only person I knew who would let me stay with her.. and get better. She loved me and I trusted her to love me and never be mean to me.

So through that.. I have started to learn how to love myself.... dedicated because I knew my mother died because she gave up on herself... I was dedicated to never giving up....

And now I am in nursing school with some of the most amazing friends in my life.... who truly love me... with random strangers telling me that what I have to say is important....

So.. I'll get back to Saturday night.... HOLY FUCK.. my train of thoughts are INSANE.. no wonder its hard for people to talk with me... I just GO... lol... ok, so back to Friday night

*******

So I fought with myself to go dancing for I swear 3 hours... I even got ready in this time..... but STILL for some reason I was trying to convince myself not to go...

tricky thing when you are listening to the head and heart its very confusing to figure out which is which.... its totally fucked.

My excuses?

that I was going to look stupid dancing by myself
what's wrong with me, I'm not going to find anyone to hang out with
that maybe I just wanted to sit at home at watch TV? (which was something I was thinking of doing)

then my heart kept saying

A., you go out ALL The time.. you ALWAYS meet people... YOU ALWAYS have fun.. and who the FUCK cares if yo don't find anyone to dance with.... WHY ARE YO SO SCARED?

and my response.... I'm scared of looking retarded. lol

so I told myself to get my shit together and just go... if I don't like it I can come home.... but if I want to go.. JUST GO.

Then I would be like.. "well you know I am tired, I went out last night.. I don't need to go out again... I Do just want to sit and watch tv and be cozy....

and then my heart would say.... "does dancing make you feel good?" "yes"
"if you had friends out would you go?" "yes"
"will you regret not going out if you stay here? because if its not good you can just come home"



This went on for literally 3 hours... not constantly, but between watching tv, talking to friends...

So it got really late and I had to make a decision ... I was still fighting with myself so I said ... you need smokes... just get ready.. go get smokes and then see if you want to keep going...

so I went out.

I felt better the second I left. I went out.

I parked the car downtown and walked up to one of the bars to say hi to this guy I met a few weeks ago... he was standing in the doorway and we hugged.. he told me he wanted to call me this week but he got a new phone and didn't have my number. So I texted him when I left....

I had this really weird feeling I was going to see T. I even checked the bar that he told he usually frequents.. and I NEVER go in there... so I went to the bar that I applied for a job at and went to last week with my friends and met all the staff..

***
so ya, I don't know if I told you... but I still haven't been able to find a job, so I got called in for an interview at this really cool bar and during the interview they stressed that they are a family and when people come in they have to be part of it.... so I decided to go in the week before and introduce myself to everyone.. and have them decide.. and talk to their boss about me.

and I think they all really liked me... I ended up hanging out with a bunch of regulars after the bar the week before... So I went back to the bar.. said hi to the bouncer... and then wen to line up... there was a line and after 10 minutes it didn't move I said fuck it...

So I went dancing... turned out the music wasn't all that great... fuck now that I am realizing it... I was totally keeping my eye out for T.... weird.. anyways I ran into some of the kids from my program who were trashed...

I danced for 15 minutes and decided to go back to the pub for the last 30 minutes... I walk in.. everyone remembers me...

and then I see him.It was totally fucked up.

I remember just telling myself to remain calm.. be myself and not be awkward... I kept looking over at him... how could he be right in front of me... how could I be at the bar where he is the day I write that email to him about being worried about him? how could this happen?

he was sitting with a girl at a table...

I ran into the people from last week who totally remembered me and loved me so started hanging out with me.... I kept looking over at T... as far as I could tell he didn't see me...

I saw another guy I had met some other time... and I looked over at T. and he looked up... I tilted my glass and smiled... he did too....

I went on with the night.. trying to figure out what the next thing I was supposed to do was... I was distracted but also present.. it was weird... the people I knew invited me back to their house... they all left and I was left with one of the guys finishing my beer... honestly... waiting to say something to T... anything.

I told the guy I was with that I was waiting to talk to T... that its the first time Im seeing him since we said goodbye and I was really nervous....

I waited for about 5 minutes hoping that people would leave around him, but at this point more people had come and he was surrounded and I told myself "well A. too bad, you're going to have to do this no matter what."

So I walked over to the table, around back and pt my hand on his back.. he was talking and I felt bad for interrupting... but I was so scared I had to do it then or I would lose the courage... so I pt my hand on his back.. he turned around and looked at me and smiled... god his fucking eyes kill me... and I said "I'm sorry for interrupting I just wanted to say hi and bye." I was warm and calm and smiled.... I just wanted to acknowledge his existence... and our history... and I wanted him to see me.... that I was really ok... he smiled and said "hi and bye." he had that perplexed look on his face that I guess he has when he is around me... I didn't know what to do next so I said "ok, well it was nice seeing you.. have a good night." I was so scared I don't even know what he said... grabbed my friends arm and walked out....

FUCK.. are you fucking kidding me I had to do that?

So we went to the party... and I ended up meeting this guy who is in his 40s and apparently has alot of friends around town and has come up from really fucked up shit. He ended up telling me that I am the smartest 30 year old he has ever met and he's met A LOT of people.. he said that he thinks I should be in public speaking... he said that I would be an amazing spokesperson for a company.. and I found myself saying "I will never represent anything other than myself" I want to say what I have to say and not change for anything, because it is in being myself that what I have to say has validity.

Only for the greater good I said... only for the greater good of humanity... he then asked me if I had any religious background that I knew all of the shit I know.. and I said nope.. just out of my own head...

he told me that he's never met anyone who speaks as quick as me about important things.. that I think faster than anyone he's ever met... I said I don't think.. I just speak.

He told me that he knows I will change the world...

I put on my facebook profile this week "I will change the world. just wait and see." and I had 9 people like it.. and two people comment and one of the comments said "strangely I believe you".

I'm going to change the world.. just by being me. its ridiculous.

****

So ya that was my Friday night... since then I have not been able to keep T out of my head... its insane... because I know in my heart there is NO way in hell he looked at me and didn't remember me... our conversations... who I am. and I looked DAMN hot that night... so I'm sure that also didn't help...

It is so fucking crazy to be in love with a man who doesn't want anything to do with me... and I have accepted that.

So I dance... and wait to learn the next lesson.. and have him learn his...

I don't know if I have confessed this yet... so I will here...

I realized that I have been telling myself for months and months that I am stupid for loving him... how could I have not learned my lesson yet and let go... etc.... but there he still remains in my heart...

so a couple of weeks ago I finally just told myself it was ok to love him.... I realized that by avoiding the feeling I was also avoiding everything that space reflected.... let me explain... its really abstract so I apologize for the lack of clarity... the person that T wants and deserves is everything I want to be... and by avoiding my feelings for him I was also avoiding the steps to become that person... so when I decided that it was ok to love him.. even from afar.. the woman that I wanted to become emerged.

I want to command my own presence... I want to be fit and athletic... I want to be organized.. I want to keep a clean house.. I want to still be able to go dancing and party.. but I want to wear clothes that are stylish but sexy... I want to have style. I want to know how to cook properly.. I have to quit smoking....

Its difficult to admit that you want to change.. and its not for him.. its for me.. but ironically it is in the same direction as him.. and if I don't just give in to this feeling I will always wonder what would have happened if I did....

who knows what will happen at the end.. I may even come to realize that he REALLY isn't the one... but I have to try and become this person first in order to see if he's standing there too....

because one other thing I have come to realize is that if he truly is my twin flame... he will be going through all this growth too... so when I get there... so will he... and if he's not I will have so much confidence that I will know its the right thing.... I had to decide that I was ok to fight for this.. to dream about this.. and try.. and fail... and if I fail it won't be a failure because it will actually be what I learned on the journey that is important.. and right now anything that will get me there is important... so I have to be willing to be wrong....but keep hope til I know for sure... something I have learned quite sufficiently over the course of my life.. to love people before they love themselves.

SO.... the fact that I saw him.. and had the courage to say hi.. touch him and not expect anything else was crazy.

you know I have never had to be in the same room with a man I love who broke my heart before. Every time I break up with someone we never run into each other ever again. So this was a whole new experience. And I am aware that I have to be completely at ease with seeing him in the future and not making him feel awkward... like he can date and go home with who ever he wants....

but I'll tell you... since seeing him I have absolutely no interest in sleeping with a stranger... maybe its cause I haven't been drunk... lol... but that night and even last night.. I think I could have... even just made out with a couple of guys.. and I have absolutely NO interest.

this love stuff is intense!

Today I have done nothing but clean my bathroom and eat a weed cookie.. dance in my kitchen, hang out with my cat... and write this... I've been writing for hours. lol.

alright I have to finish cleaning. get my shit in order for tomorrow.

****
well this is scary.. I'm going to share a true train of my thoughts. scary.
A.