The first page in a journal I just found :
To my unborn children,
I started this book a difficult time in my life. It is a time when I am looking at myself and my life. I am going through a period where I am facing loss in my life and it is very difficult for me. I write you now because I want to make sure you are given something that I was not. When I should die, because there will be a day, and you find this. I grant you permission to read any of my journals, look at any pictures and keep anything of mine you need. I want you to see me for who I am. My faults and my successes. My legacy is my life - know that your mother was just human and struggled as you do. No matter what happens to me, know that all I want is a family, that I love you even though I do not know you yet and that you are what keeps me going. I cannot speak of your father yet because I do not know him, but who ever he turns our to be, know that he must be a great man. I'm sorry I will not be here to guide you through my life - but I am here in spirit - loving you through it all. And if the unthinkable happens and you lose me at a young age, like my own mother - know that I have given you all the knowledge I can by having you. And you need to look only inside to know the answer - I am in your bones and blood - in your heart. I am you and you are me. Love always and forever. Mum.
Dear mum,
I miss yo so much - it hurts, its debilitating. I loe you so much. Life is so trying lately I just wish I had you to call. I miss your hugs - I miss your smile - your love. Since you died I have been scared of eerything. I worry. I livve a small life and I find it hard to be alone. I hide from myself - ALWAYS. I'm so lost without yo. I dont want to do this alone. I met a really nice guy. His name is.... - he has kind eyes. But I am scared. The second I a vlnerable with him I shut off. I cannot feel anything and hide in my head. Its hard for me to acknowledge that C. didn't want me and doesn't. I miss him - Its hard to let him go and move forward - he's safe - He's what distracted me from myself for so long- and still does. Realizing you are gone hurts - I think about you dying - holding your hand - the moment that defines me. You leaving me - defines the life I lead -
March 6, 2007
But I am a strong and better person for it - I LOVE YOU EVERYDAY for eternity -- I remember the night we sat on the front step and I looked up at Haley's comet and the stars and promised that if I forget everything, I would remember that night with you.. and I do.
A
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