unrequited love

Unrequited love.

Love is the most confusing emotion I encounter. I completely understand why we all get so resigned about it. Love requires both parties.

I understand why in fairytales no spell can control love – because unless it is freely given it isn't love.

This past year has been unbelievably difficult.... I feel at times I want to understand my life so badly I analyze it so much... I avoid the feelings that accompanies the analysis.

Losing J. was unbelievably painful... but I can barely even remember – part of me thinks its because it hurts so deeply that I avoid it.. and the other part of me feels that I just moved forward and accepted that it was meant to happen exactly as it did.

Losing T. on the other hand... is totally fucked. J never made me feel the way T. did... not in a year and a half did I feel understood.

Every time I say to myself 'enough' I think about him even more... everytime I keep hoping it hurts... nothing I do takes away the frustration of having a man like that not reciprocate my feelings...

to be so sure – to see more clearly than I have ever felt before – and then it strip me down – strip me down so much that I feel resigned to love.

Its one of those things that I just can't understand... and there is a part of me that resents the universe for putting him in my life only to take him away.

I don't know if T. was there to show me what else I could have so that I could let go of J. easier and faster... I don't know if I was deluded when I met him... I don't know if he was just trying to protect me from himself... I don't know if he did just really not like me... I just don't understand.. and with no explanation – with no relatedness on his part I have been left in completely limbo.

I've been here before... with Matt. I was shocked to figure out he really wasn't the one.... and I guess the same is true for T.... but god.. its so difficult to believe that...

Its difficult to understand how I could fall so desperately in love with him so quickly... to let myself fall... knowing that I was going to get hurt... to be so sure that he felt the same way... to be so wrong.

I know everything happens for a reason.. but god.. this fucking sucks...

I keep trying to remind myself that someone is out there.. that will click with me like T. did... but this time reciprocate my feelings... but to be honest... I don't know if I believe that... we clicked in so many ways.. it was weird... and exciting... I guess its having faith that if it happened once... it could happen twice.

I caved and wrote him just before Christmas “coffee? Peace?”

I thought he would no doubt say yes... that after seeing me in the bar – would want to see me again...and remove this tension between us... but no... nothing.

I told myself... no more.. but then on Christmas day I wrote to say Merry Christmas... and then... last night... when I was sooooo frustrated and I just wanted to talk to him I got his number from a friend (who has been keeping it after I deleted it) and wrote him “are you free for a drink tonight?”

This is where I have no idea about human beings... I have never ignored anyone intentionally.. and so many people I have encountered have this technique down pat... its painful to be cut out of someones life... right now my best friend is also using this technique on me.. and I swear... it makes me go crazy..

trying to figure out how I can break the silence. Feeling like there is nothing I can do.... and yet wanting to so desperately... writing letters hoping that the other person will have some level of compassion that they will write me back.. and just let me know where they are at... just even a check in – like – hey, I'm sorry I am just still trying to process this... I will be in touch soon.” anything...

I want to just forget about both of them... pretend like it doesn't hurt.. and tell myself that I don't give a shit... but that isn't me. I hate this feeling.. and so I would never do it to someone else. But really.. I don't know what hurts more... being the person trying to get attention from someone and having them so coldly ignore you... or being the person who is so closed off that they can't even talk.

I'd like to say I don't give a shit about T... but if I said that I would be ignoring how I felt over the past 3 months.... I can't not give a shit about someone I love.

UGH

So.. a thought that recently occurred to me was that the universe may not be giving me what I want because I don't seem to know what I want...

I was looking at how I was processing the whole T thing and I noticed that as the course of time progressed I kept wanting less and less in a relationship... ok with just friends... being ok with just letters at the very least... I found myself being ok that he had children... to accepting that if I was with him I wouldn't be able to have my own...

Forcing myself to let him go found me feeling like I don't even know if I really want children.. and I don't even know if I want have the relationship I once thought I did....

Kids scare the shit out of me. I don't even have enough organizational skills to take care of myself – let alone a child.... I still think I would fuck them up.. which is totally rediculous.

I have just found that in order to accept what I have in front of me... I keep letting go of the things I have wanted since I was really young.

What I WANT?

I want a man to look at me and think that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met, inside and out. That he feels astonishingly lucky to have me.... and I feel the same way about him. I want to feel like I came home.. to a man that makes me feel safe, understood and loved unconditionally.

I want a relationship where we don't play games... but just talk about what is going on for us.. and help each other out of the dark times instead of hiding.

I want to be madly, ridiculously in love.. and carefree about the future... just being so happy in the moments we get to spend together.... we don't care what will happen. I want to find my exact match, me in a man's body.

I want children – I want to love little people and give them hope.

I want a fairytale love... and I won't accept anything less...

and it scares the shit out of me that I will never have it.... and then be alone because I believed in fairytales...

writing that makes me realize that I really believe in that...and that I cannot become resigned.... that it has to happen.. because I have earned my wings.

I have earned my wings..... and I want someone to share my life with... I know we are always alone... but I really really really want someone to share my life with... to look at when I wake up... kiss, touch, love... I want to love someone so desperately and treat them the way they deserve.... take care of them while they take care of me.

But then I have these moments of convincing myself that that is asking for too much.... and because of T.... faith is fleeting.. because I never knew you could feel like that in a day.... and how he could not want that feeling is absolutely beyond me... so I am left more confused than I have ever been.

He loves me back... but can't have me around him... its totally fucked and it hurts more than I could possibly explain... to have someone look in my eyes and tell me that I was the most beautiful woman they have ever met, inside and out... to tell me he just wanted to hold me... to tell me he understood how lonely life could be.. and how lonely I must be... to kiss me and tell me that I want to do this but doesn't know if he knows how to be loved... To run.

And leave me trying to be the strong one.... while my heart is breaking... trying to keep it together... trying to understand.. trying to keep faith... when I've become a nothing in his life.

Its completely fucked up and I don't know what to do about it.. literally.. every time I try to do anything... there he is in my head.. in my heart and it makes me hate my heart... honestly.. it hurts so much I find myself resenting myself for loving and wanting him so badly.

Maybe its that what he said represented what I don't give myself... and I want to have someone who tells me that.. who understands to validate how I have felt over the past 30 years of my life.


I feel like I have been trying to keep my head above water for 30 years.. I swear... I feel like I'm always trying to prove myself to keep people around me... always worried about money.. always worried about how I am going to pay rent.. how I am going to succeed in life.. how I can prove myself to men so I will be loved... its fucked... I have never felt like there is a safety net under me... well since my mother died...

I feel like no one knows how to take care of me.. and I just want to be taken care of... supported. Loved. Even my friends don't quite understand me... T was the first time in my life that I felt completely understood.

I can't believe I understand life to the extent that I do.... and yet this shit just makes no sense.

So I just sit in this feeling.... recognizing that there is nothing I can do about it.... unrequited love is a bitch.