I love you more than you love yourself.

Ha.

The most amazing thing just happened to me. I was talking to my friend J. And I finally saw myself for who I really am... its funny because in the last post I was writing about how I am starting to realize that I have this incredible capacity to forgive.... I forgive you before you forgive yourself.... I love you before you love yourself.

You ask anyone I have ever met - and they would say.. if there is one thing I know about A.. its that she'll always be there.

*****
Last summer I had a friend skype me that I hadn't spoken to in 3 years.

We broke up - she is the only person in my entire life that I have ever really and truly broken up with. She was so mean to me.. and we'd break up constantly.. until finally one year I snapped on her.... we didn't speak for a year and then she sent me a message on facebook.

I told her that she was a very angry person, that I know she has shit from her childhood but that she has to figure it out because she was so mean to me.... she wanted to put it behind us and I told her she had to apologize for how she treated me... and she couldn't... so I said good bye.

She called me last summer in crisis and told me that I was the only person she knew who wouldn't judge her and would always be there....

and we talked for a few hours... I helped her and told her she was way better than what she was putting herself through.... she thanked me and told me I sounded really different - really good.

I haven't heard from her since.

so I'm that person.

****

So I was talking to my friend... and then all this crazy wisdom came out of me I will try and remember -

Change happens. We need to learn how to accept change - we get so ahead of ourselves based on this desire to live a cozy life - a safe life - STABILITY is all we desire in our lives - and yet stability is boring - stability, safety... is not where life exists... life exists inside of being willing to change... being willing to change the job when you are unhappy, being willing to change the car when you want a new one... being willing to move to another country because you think it would be interesting... or taking the savings you have and take the whole family on a six month trip to Asia - life is where change happens.. and unless we as a culture learn to accept change we will suffer -

I said - I think its interesting now, that the life, we as a society has set up for ourselves... for this stability is finally starting to collapse... and people who have had comfy jobs for 30 years are being forced to change - life celebrates change - and we resist it... but if there is one thing that is certain... things are going to change :)

we were talking about relationships and this is what I had to say:

When you live into a future where everything is painted the way you want... you will accept nothing else...nothing else will do.... so you ignore the things that come.. you cut love off because it doesn't look exactly the way you painted in your head - or you hold on to love too long because you are holding on to that dream....

When you have a picture you decide what is going to happen before it happens... you are playing ahead of the speed of life - you decide what is going to happen.. and so make decisions based on that - for example what happened with T.

He was so scared of hurting me down the road.. he hurt me right away.. he didn't even let us go on one date before he pulled the brakes... all because of the fear... that ironically happened anyways.. because let me tell you - if we had dated for 6 months and then we realized that we didn't quite match I would have understood breaking up then.. far more than right away... it was like his reality wasn't really reality - we hadn't even gone on a freaking date! and I didn't handle this whole thing very well - I mean I have been devastated because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just give me a few dates to enjoy ourselves....

and so I was telling my friend who is going through a similar thing in which she broke up with this awesome guy because he said he doesn't want to have kids....

that she's dated assholes her whole life.. she has never let someone love her back... and this guy does... so what if you break up in six months...what ever you are supposed to learn from each other - you will learn.. and you will feel even better - because you have survived breakups before - you can survive them again - and why not enjoy the time you have together before you decide its not right.... its ok to let yourself get to know someone... its ok to date someone you don't know if you want to be with forever .. love is about always having the choice to leave - its about always asking yourself if you want this.. and always answering yes.... and if that changes.. if that answer becomes no.. honouring the person.. and letting each of you part... happy to have had the time together.... loving the person for gracing yor life with what ever lessons they were supposed to teach us.

Look at me and J. That relationship was fucked... but I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I told him at the start of the relationship that I would stay with him until I felt he no longer cared.. and that's exactly what I did... and every time we got into a really big fight.. and we were talking about staying together.. I always asked myself "are you ok with continuing knowing that you are going to get hurt even more the next time.. because now something has happened and you have evidence to leave.... so you are not only going to be hurt but you are going to feel guilty for not knowing better... and every time I would answer - I forgive myself for no knowing better.. and I accept that I am going to get more hurt - and so I did... quite a few times.. until I felt he no longer cared.. and we broke up. It was excruciating - but it had to happen... it was the right thing to happen.. and had either of us been scared to change - we wouldn't have done the right thing for ourselves.. and since he has met his perfect match.. and I have been dealing with falling in love with a guy that is scared to hurt me. lol.

As we accept change we also start to accept that people come in and out of our lives - it is inevitable.... I have travelled the world.. and made some pretty profound friends, especially in Japan and Korea - people that I know to this day ... I made profound connections with people I knew would leave... but I didn't stop myself from making friends before we parted... I enjoyed every second we had with each other... we don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, let alone 3 years down the road.. and you are allowed to change your mind...

you are allowed to break up with someone when you no longer feel its right.. without any guilt... which leads us back to learning to love yourself... you have to honour your feelings... and not be scared of them.

you can't live into a future you don't know about - you will miss out on great loves.. or great moments....

you know at the end of the day.. if I were to be very honest - every man in my life that I have been sexual with.. always started with the hope of it being something great. Even if for a night....

I was reading today in an old journal about this guy I had met in Korea at the mudfest - I met him and found out quite quickly his brother had died... I kissed him and hugged him and asked him to have the night with me... we hung out all day.. laughing and drinking and making out....hanging out with our friends... and then I lost him...some how I found him on the beach 5 hours later and he was so excited to see me... he hugged me and said "how... out of 10,000 people did you find me again?... its fate" we watched the best fireworks display of my life... and he told me that he wished he could call his mom... I told him to use my phone... he didn't want to but I told him "if I could I would.. so please call." he looked at me and I said "I know what its like to lose your best friend". He kissed me and called his mom... I even have pictures of that phone call... and told her that he loved her...

we spent the whole night together.. and had sex in the ocean... he crashed on the floor of our hotel room and in the morning was super sweet to my friends.

As we were walking back to the beach the next day I thanked him for the night and he said "no thank you, it was a privilege.. it was so nice to be with you. "

before I left he told me that "no matter who you meet, always show them who you really are, never change who you are A... now kiss me." I kissed him and said good bye.

****

he changed my life.

I even write how he was the first guy who really made me feel good about myself... I felt love from him.. and it was one night in my life...

I knew it would only be.. and that was ok.

and funny thing - that wouldn't had happened unless I had had all those other experiences with one night stands and accepted them as being ok.

so let yourself love... let yourself live.. and change.. and don't feel guilty for wanting to change... because life gets WAAAY better when you embrace that you are capable of anything... so long as you accept shit happens... the bad with the good.. what are all the other adages we have heard a thousand times in our lives?

when you limit change - you limit your emotions.. when you limit your emotions you are terrified of experiencing those emotions so you run your life trying to avoid anything that even remotely triggers those emotions... and how the hell can you follow your dreams if you are scared of getting hurt? hurt comes... EMBRACE THE HURT - the hurt is what got you here in the first place... the hurt is what made you finally decide to change.. that change is good... the HURT is what got you to change... so feel the hurt - accept that you have been being a complete retard your whole life and continuously sold out on yourself because you were terrified of experiencing life - experiencing loss - experiencing love and devestation - calamity will happen. I ASSURE YOU CALAMITY WILL HAPPEN - no matter how much you try and avoid it - life seems to make sure you will experience shit at one point in your life - so embrace that fact - and ride the wave of your own life... get in tune with who you really are and make no apologies - people will survive - but you are not alive - you are dead and its no ones fault but your own....

courage is walking into fear.

every breakdown there is a breakthrough

people only change when they are stretched - stretching only happens through pain....

suffering is only important until it isn't.


****

At the end of my conversation with J. I said... I love you more than yo have loved yourself... it has been my job to show you what love is... to be here... waiting, watching... so that there would come a time where I could tell you about why you hurt me.. because I have watched you... and been here waiting.. and finally you are ready to hear what I have seen...

and then I realized... whoa she was listening.. whoa she was really calm and really vlnerable.. and I started laughing and cheering and I was like " Oh my god J... you are vulnerable! Omg you are listening and not getting defesive... omg I think you may love yourself... and in that moment.... I realized that because she finally was loving herself... she was finally capable of loving me back... it was a profound moment for me on the phone.... that she loved me back the way I have loved her...

and I said "you finally get it... I'm never going to leave.. that's what true love is... and you finally see.... how mch I love you. :)

****

I have finally realized what I have been searching for so long.... no one can love me the way I love them ntil they love themself.. so it has been my journey to love people more than I love myself.. and it has been learning to love myself that I have realized what I have been doing all along... it is in honouring myself that I am able to finally recognize how compassionate I truly am.. and maybe? start to look at why I have qestioned myself for 30 years.... because.... I have wondered why people can't love me back.... and thought it was me... meanwhile... it had nothing to do with me...

****

Tonight I realized where this may have all come from.... my father left before I was born.... and yet.. I am so happy to be alive... that I couldn't have asked for anything more in life... life.. was all I wanted.. all I needed from him....

my father abandoned me.. and I was not agry or hurt.. I was just curious about him.... and so.... throughout my life I have felt - if I don't hate him.... my father....for leaving me.... then I can't possibly hate you. ... nothing was worse... and then since my mother died... that has been the hardest thing to come to terms with.. and it is in recognizing her death happened to catapult me into all this self reflection.. all this inqiry... accepting her death as part of me.. as part of a devine plan for my growth.. that I am finally able to start accepting life for the beatifl tapestry it is.... and love is my thread.

I love people the way jesus loved people. unconditionally. If I can forgive people, and understand why people are the way they are.... then anyone can.. we jst have to be eachother's cheering squad, encouraging each and everyone of s to learn to love ourselves... its in encouraging others... that we find the love we've bee searching for....

you free yourself... because yo love yourself enough to be vulnerable... to accept that people are going to hurt you.. bt only because they don't know why they do what they do... and we all need help figring out what and why we behave the way we do... heal old wounds... and learn to trust ourselves again..

It is not to have learned the lesson to not be vulnerable.. it is the actual lesson we were supposed to learn... being vulnerable is what causes us to get hurt - but hurt causes us to grow - and growth causes s to be vulnerable again... it is in embracing vulnerability... that we free ourselves from the shackles of the rules we have put in front of us in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt...in order to protect those we love from getting hurt by us.... don't worry. I will survive... I just want to be able to know you.. before we part... and part from you, having known our love.

give me the gift of you loving me... by first loving yourself... we all have something special to share.... we all have something to contribute to the whole... it is in your very existence that you are special... so you get to decide whether you want to be proud of yourself.. and go out and honour who you are and follow your heart.. live in the uncertainty.. and die feeling like you REALLY lived.

Its ok to be scared.. its ok to be any emotion you are... because you are feeling... give yourself a freaking break for not knowing any better.... and doing your best.. even though your best wasn't perfect.. it was all you knew at the time... so forgive yourself and go forth with the new knowledge and the recognition that you only hurt others based on how mch you love yourself... on how much you let yourself feel.... so let yourself feel... let yourself be loved.... and love yourself the way your parents should have.. the way everyone in your life that has ever dissapointed you should have...

let me tell you... its difficult learning to love yourself without anyone who loves you as much as I do.... but you have me. Even if you are reading this blog and will never met me... just get that I love you.. through time and space.. I love you... and what ever you are going through, what ever you ahve done.... I know I would forgive you.... I would just keep loving you.. hoping that one day you will learn that you are only hurting yourself... it is your choice to keep love at bay... it is in keeping yourself scared that you stay small.. and don't play the game of life...

so flap your wings... and believe that if there is only one person... that you need to know you are loved by. that's me.

and just so you know.... you can walk outside and realize that all of natre loves you.. all of life loves you.. and its been secretly conspiring just for you.... trying to get you to see.... My love is simply a reflection of the love the entire universe has for each living being.. because life is a miracle... and you were no mistake. nature doesn't make mistakes.

Angels on your pillow.
xoxoxox
A.