At the end of every year I sit down and reflect on the year...
I am leaving in the morning for my oldest and best friend's house... for her wedding in which I have been asked to be her maid of honour. a true honour. I never thought anyone would ask me to be their maid of honour. I felt that in my whole life no one was that close to me- no one felt that I was their best friend... so to be asked is truly an honour - one that has made me feel relatively inadequate.
I haven't understood why I haven't been able to feel the excitement... perhaps its because I just don't know what to say... I am so happy for her.. and so proud that she chose me as her maid of honour.. but don't feel like I deserve it.
My life has taught me many things... but being worthy was never one of them. I have spent the majority of my life hoping, praying that people will like me.. that a man will like me.. love me and prove to me that I really am worth it.
Its a belief.. that is so strong in me... and well my mother didn't even write me in the will.. so really, at the end of the day... the person I trusted more than anything in the world.... didn't look out for me...and so its hard to fight with that belief.... its so deep I barely know its there... my unworthiness.
I want to be a good person. but I want so desperately to love myself. its terrifying the things I have to do to honour myself....
This was the year of learning how to really loving myself..although loving myself felt excruciating at times... I have to say this was the year that I finally listened to my heart.
I have looked back on my relationship with J and realized that I behaved in that relationship exactly as I should have... I stood up for myself whenever he would hurt my feelings... and yet I was compassionate, forgiving and kind.
Being hit was literally the scariest thing I have ever experienced... to have the man I love disconnect like that... it was weird... I'd never seen anything like that before.... or atleast not since I was a little kid... but to see in his eyes...emptiness.... and then to watch how he denied it had happened.... I had such compassion for him... but made him talk about it... feel what had happened... accept what happened.. as I did.
I promised myself that I would break up with him when I felt like he didn't care anymore... and I stayed true to my word.. even though it killed me inside.
I was unhappy and scared... and the life I was living was no longer the life I wanted for myself....
its funny how it all happened... I didn't even have to do anything.. it just happened. and I never cried less over anything in my life. I was so hurt... so deeply pissed off that he would be so cruel... and so thankful that I was no longer in the relationship.... that I felt free...
Feeling free was relative... because at first I felt so proud of myself... like I came out of the fires of freaking hell... and then I was worried about money - about my apartment...
at the same time all this shit happened with some girls at school and I basically hid the entire time.. spending most of my days alone.. to be honest I am not exactly sure what I did in that time.. watched TV, read and slept....
there were days in there that were unbearably sad... thank god my room mate was there... honestly.. thank god for facebook and being able to keep in touch with good people that kept encouraging me...and I gave everything to God. I couldn't bear it... so I got up every day.. did what I had to do and went back to sleep. I couldn't do anything more.
I loved the summer though...I would spend days out on the lawn just soaking up the sun... I loved watching the fireflies come out in the valley and listening to the birds come back.
This farm is what kept me sane during everything.. that when I felt like everything was falling apart... the beauty outside my doors made me feel like it was some how bearable.
When I found out Cody had cancer and was going into the hospital... I was overwhelmed with grief... and fear.... I didn't know what to do, or say.... but I did what I thought was the right thing to do. And in the end.. I think I did. I sent my love.. and support. I did what I thought I would want in that same situation.
Cody dying impacted me... I remember thinking that weekend that I wish I could be more rediculous like Cody - he was always making a fool out of himself and I loved that he just didn't care what people thought... I knew he did... but I liked that in a way he didn't... I vowed to be more relaxed and to not take life too seriously.. which by the way.. I have been failing at recently... lol
and then I met T. It honestly gave me hope...and I guess that's really all it was meant to do. I fell in love with T... because of all the ways he was like me... in the three months that I have analyzed what happened.. I have learned more about myself than ever before. I truly admire the person I have become... I mean, I still need to make money and be able to support myself... and I need smarter clothes... but I value myself in a way I have never felt before.
its hit or miss sometimes... but the biggest difference between how I feel about T and how I felt about Matt was T, I never once thought he didn't like me... like I had done something wrong... and that has changed everything in my heart. Everytime I ask myself if I did anything wrong.. the answer is nope.. you just followed your heart. and there is never anything wrong with that... I didn't know where the road was going to take me... and its taken me here.... its been a doozy... but I was myself from day one... I wanted him to love me.... but I wasn't going to change...
it's a funny thing realizing that you really like yourself... because there are a lot of people that don't agree... it's difficult being self critical and wanting to truly know myself... and yet not internalizing all the bullshit.
The hardest thing about letting go of T. is that I felt the only reason it all fell a part, was not that he didn't feel the same way as me.. but rather I represented all that he wanted but was scared to have... I represented his mother... and the part he loved so much about her was also the part he hated about her... and so he couldn't possibly want me... if he didn't like that about his mom.
I wanted to teach him to love himself... but we are all on different journeys... and I am so tired of having men in my life that aren't ready for love. But then I guess I have not been ready for love either.... scared of the person I am.. I am intense. that I am sure of... and although a lot of people criticize me for it.. I feel it is one of my best qualities... in fact.. it was something I truly loved about T.... he was just as intense as me... I learned to honour and love myself.. I learned that I am addicted to people who can't love me back.. andeven though I know that... it's difficult to break the addiction.
To not feel sorry for myself... but rather choose to step away. I have to.
It's crazy how many other things happened this fall, with school being incredibly intense... no job... finding out about J's new girlfriend (which btw I found out he proposed to her on Christmas eve)... to Carissa dying.
It's fucked. this year has been totally fucked.
This fall I started off well, joined yoga and kung fu.. was eating properly and waking up early... but I quickly lost my fire. I seriously can't believe I got through this semester.
C. dying changed me. It taught me what it felt like to really be there for someone... to be able to handle the most difficuly of situations with grace, love and compassion. I was honoured to be able to help L. and her family out and thankful that I had the life experience that taught me how.
This year was the year I became thankful for my own life. and realized that the people that do not support me, don't know how... because they have never walked in my shoes... and those that have.. those are the most compassionate.
This year taught me strength beyond measure.. and perseverence... I cannot begin to believe that I even passed my courses.
To finally.. having my step father have the heart attack and strokes... and rebuilding bridges between me and my family.
The best thing that happened to me this year was the letters from my biological father. What a treat...in the midst of all the chaos.. a little girl's dream came true.
Finding out J. is engaged.... is interesting.. 6 months ago it would have destroyed me... but now I can only be happy for the man I was once in love with.. and accept that that was NOT my path.
and so I go into the new year with hope. Hope that I have gained unsumountable strength for whatever life has in store for me.. that I am capable, strong and resilient.
This year taught me that I will survive. That I looked back on my life and I was thankful.. I am thankful for everything good and everything bad.. and have finally accepted it for what it truly is.
life.
2012 changed my life.
and now I am heading into 2013 with my oldest friends... women that I have shared my entire life with... with our mothers.... although my mother cannot be there in body... I know she will be there in spirit.. we will drink and dance the night away... celebrating the start of 2013 with love... and thankfulness for all the beauty life has bestowed upon us.
namaste.
A.
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