12.12.12

I had to start this post on 12. 12. 12.  I have to write something to tell myself where I was and what I did on this day... I know I'll want to remember someday.... and what a wonderful day it truly was.

I have been pretty depressed since Saturday when I found out that my step dad had a stroke last week and no one told me. When I talked to him he was slurring his words... and this was the first I had heard of anything so I wasn't prepared... I totally lost it on the phone and instead of understanding he told me that he would hang up the phone if I didn't stop crying..... I stopped and told him that I am just scared and I love him and he's allowed to hear that I love him... I told him that I knew he'd get through this, but I was allowed to be scared and sad. By the end of the conversation I was feeling relieved that he was ok, but pissed no one told me.

I talked to my step brother... when I asked hi how I was feeling he said "fine" when I asked "no really, how are you feeling?"
"fine, I don't need counselling"
"I'm not trying to give you counselling I am trying to gauge how scared I should be based on how scared you are."
so he went through a run down of being sad about this
scared about that
worried about this
thankful for that...

and then said "is that what you were looking for?" and I said yes then went through down a run down of mine.... one of which was that I have no money for gas to go visit him.

he didn't offer.

he makes a lot of money I should add.

at the end of the conversation I asked him to please keep me up to date
he said that I would have to put a little effort in too.
I said "fine I'll call"

I felt like he was alluding to the fact that I don't really call him any more... but he's never asked me why.

If he did, he would know that when J sent me that letter last year, and I sent it to the people I love most in the world and I thought loved me back, he actually told me had I done that to him he would have disowned me... and that was when I stopped going to him for any kind of love and support.... my boyfriend took me back and my brother said he wouldn't... pretty quick to figure out who loves you more.

So I've kept my distance for a year.... being nice, when he calls always being receptive, but not calling him for anything.... so the comment pissed me off because no matter if I call him or not I should be being informed about what is going on with my step dad...

anyways, I was sooo upset after these conversations that I broke down..... ended up talking to my really good friend who just couldn't understand why I was so upset that my brother didn't offer to help me out to go visit, and talked to me as though it was my fault that I didn't know....

She was so unsupportive that I had to actually get off the phone with her and tell her that I couldn't talk to her til I was a little less fragile.

That night I went out and got wasted.. danced my ass off, ended up partying with some new people I met, and got home at 7am.

The next day I went for breakfast, slept most of the day away...

By Monday I was fucked, I was super depressed and couldn't leave the house... I just couldn't find myself.... and was sleeping the day away, and then I had this moment where I realized that when I dance I find myself... I feel like I can breathe... even when the world is caving in around me.... dancing keeps me alive..... its why I smoke its why I am over weight.... that dancing makes me feel like my lungs the way smoking does.... that dancing makes me feel my body.. and feel the emotion, but let it go at the same time... that for years I have felt like I have to have a space, have shoes, have an outfit.... I have denied myself the one thing I need to feel alive... I just needed my kitchen.... P.S. my kitchen is huge and for the first time in my life I refuse to have a dining room table so I can dance.. and with the music that's on the radio these days there's so much great music to dance to...

 so I danced for 2 hours in my kitchen.. woke up the next day with my whole body hurting.. the good hurt though...

but still I had no idea how to handle the family thing... and was so overwhelmed with what to do.... for all of Tuesday I slept.... I was maybe up for 6 hours in total.... just hoping that it would come to me.... emotionally exhausted.... physically......

I forced myself last night to watch the slides for my exam today.... falling asleep every 30 minutes, waking up and watching some more...

I woke up this morning to my neighbour who stopped by with a freezy :) and a better perspective... she reminded me that they "know not what they do" that I have to believe that I know better and that its not going to do anything for me to be angry. .... that I just got to love... like I always do.... thank god for her reminding me of who I am...

I went to my exam... I know I passed... miraculously... I know I passed this semester....

and so I can breathe a sigh of relief... which was about the time my aunt called... who I had asked to borrow money from around my birthday.. I wrote her this long email about how embarrassed I was but I couldn't find a job, I was literally desperate... without snow tires on my car, no way of paying rent and 100$ in my bank account .. I apologized for not calling but I was scared and embarrassed and I didn't know what else I should do.... at which point she wrote me that it was inappropriate to talk about this over email and she was leaving in 2 days for a month long trip....

So obviously I took that as a pretty clear "fuck off" so I ended up borrowing money from friends.... and she called today for the first time since that email to check in on me.... funny.

She saw that my step dad had a heart attack and a stroke and wanted to know how he was and that I was ok.... when I told he I haven't been doing well... that I spent the past two days completely fucked up and am barely keeping it together... that I have been borrowing money from friends... that I have no idea what's going to happen next.. that I am emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted.... she asked about my getting a job... and then after a little chit chat she suggested that maybe I will have to drop out of school and work til I can pay for it.... I honestly couldn't believe it... how unsupportive.... and in the end she actually told me to take care of myself.... as if she ACTUALLY gave a shit..

I don't know about you... but how this whole love thing works is when someone ACTUALLY needs you... you show up... you don't abandon them at their WORST and expect them to be there for you. Its crazy.

So I got off the phone and talked to my housemate and told her... pissed.. and she said "you always tell me that I shouldn't get upset at people for not being like me.... you do it alot too... you get upset that people don't love as deeply as you, but they don't .. people don't know how to love like you do... how to support people like you do.... you can't be mad at them for that." perfectly... I felt better.

After that I talked to this woman who I met because I was serving her table one day and she said she would like to mentor me, as she is a nurse, she's lovely and we haven't met up but we were supposed to tonight... I was calling to cancel, but then through our conversation I felt better... I told her what my aunt said and she said "at the very least you can borrow money from me... you are not not finishing this program. " a complete stranger believes in me more than my own family. Its fucked.

So I went to tutoring. Then after called this friend of mine that I met last month... actually the story is fucked. I had one day working at this place and him and I went for a smoke.... then when I was leaving he had just left and I asked if he wanted a ride home.

I ended up driving him home and hung out with him for like 3 hours... he told me all this crazy shit about himself.. and I told him it was all ok.... wee talked about so much and he told me that I completely changed his life.. and texted me the next day to never leave. "I said never."

So I haven't seen him in a month.. ended up losing the job and told him"well I must have just had the job for a day to meet you :)"

He wrote me a couple of days ago and apologized for being out of touch... and told me he was really doing bad....

So I called him tonight and asked if he wanted me to come over.... and he said sure.. so I went over.

and he ended up telling me his deepest darkest secret.... he cried.. and I just kept my hand on his back and told him it was completely ok. we would figure it out...

he cried for like an hour...

apparently it was the first time he has cried in 3 years.

I told him that the universe puts these really fucked up things in our way to see how much we love ourselves.. and we have to learn to love ourselves through it all.. and the fact that he was even talking to me and crying means he loves himself more than most. God look at my family.

I told him that I love him.. and hugged him really tight and told him I would be his cuddle buddy... that I would fill the lonely-void any time he needed.. and I will always give him hope. If he ever needs hope... he can always call me... cause if I can come out of the depths of misery... then anyone can. If I can believe... ANYONE can believe.

I left him feeling rejuvenated... like I understood finally... this is all a test to see if I would give up on me.... NOPE. NEVER. And the answer to my question was "do nothing.. just love"

I got a letter on Monday from my biological father. Its the second one I have ever received. Its almost been a year since the last one.. the first one of my entire life... and in this one he told me he's sorry he procrastinates, something he wishes I didn't inherit - which I totally did.. lol... but just by saying that he was honouring the fact that I am his daughter.

Then he told me he was looking at sail boats... and how interesting it was looking for one after reading that I was interested in learning how to sail...

That he thinks about me almost daily.

He told me that rereading up my letter brings up emotions he doesn't even know how to express.. that feelings and emotions were not well recognized in his family and it has left him very confused over the years....

He told me that he has always felt unworthy... and that over the years hes started to accept himself more....

that he was looking forward to hearing from me and that h promises it won't be longer between correspondence....

ahhhh....

the truth? I feel more like him than anyone I know.... wanting to run away from it all because no one understands you... I think my father has always represented everything I admire... following your heart and making no apologies.... obviously he did it for the wrong reasons.. and we'll have to do a lot of healing... but he's represented the adventurer in me... and I am so grateful for that.

I have never been so patient for anything in my life.... I wanted to write him so many times... but I knew I just had to let him be... just wait. and I knew... someday... he would write back.

Reminds me of T.... I just hadn't learned the lesson yet. just be patient... just wait and take care of yourself and it will all work out.... believe... never give up hope.

I got home tonight feeling free again... I am not going to let anything get in the way of my success.. of my happiness...

so I danced in the kitchen... that's my 12.12.12

I believe.
it's all just happening as it should... I just need to get out of the way... and stop judging it.

A