I want to share about my father....
I was born to a single mother... when I was younger I went through varrying stages of understanding the situation... first I didn't think I had a father... then the time came where I found out that was impossible...
I remember being about 5, sitting in the back seat of my mom's friend's car with her two kids, who were 2 years older than me and they asked me who my father was. I said I didn't have a father... they explained that was impossible....
the first story I heard was that I did, but he left before I was born.. that's all I knew
I went through stages, thinking that he had left my mom when he found out she was pregnant, thinking that they just broke up before she knew she was pregnant (she found out she was pregnant at 4 months, they broke up at 3 months... I don't know if this is true, but its what she told me)... I was then told that she had written him a letter about me, but never heard back from him.... and then finally when I was 19 I found out that she had written him when she was pregnant and he wrote back... there was a letter... I asked to see it... she said when she dies.... how fucked is that? - a year later she was dead... and before my step father burned every piece of paper she had saved over the course of her life... I demanded to see that letter... he fought me on it and told me that it was none of my business... I fought back and told him it was completely my business.... turned out there were 4 letters.
Now the story of trying to find him goes like this... Christmas Eve of grade 6 my mother told me that she had his brother's phone number, so if I wanted to call I could. So I did. I remember asking for my uncle... and then said "hi, my name is A.J., I think ... is my father and I was wondering if you knew where I could find him." my mother had warned me that he may not know. .. she also ttold me that she tried calling a couple of times, but no one ever aswered....
his response "I'm sorry A. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years. "
My uncle ended up coming to visit me that spring....
he got me in tough with my "brother"... and the following year my brother came to meet me.
Now this is all fcked, because when my father had left, he left for the west coast - to live on a boat....
my brother had lived out there and he would see our father from time to time but he wasn't a good father....
Over the years my brother and I have kept in touch... but only have seen eachother maybe 7 or 8 times.... and every time I saw him I wanted to know about my father....
I finally got to the point where I started getting pretty upset and desperate that he hadn't told him about me yet... it was excruciating... I asked him on numerous occasions... at one point, before I left for Korea he said he would write or father a letter, but that he wanted to say we just met... I told him that was unacceptable and that he could omit when we met, but that it wasn't ok if he lied to him.. that I don't like lying.
He told me we wrote the letter.. and then nothing... over a few months I got the impression the letter never happened.
so I started to get mad... I threatened to hire a private investigator... and that our dad wold find out either way.. so it would be best for him to just confess he knew me... NOTHING.
I hired a private investigator when I got back from Korea... nothing. He couldn't find him. So I gave up....
Then last year I had this moment of clarity... and I wrote the following email to my brother:
******
Jan 15, 2012
Hey,
I hope you are doing well... I was talking to my friend tonight about you, and about my biological father... and I started to think about alot of things.. and well I guess I felt like I should write you.
I obviously feel like you obviously have a very different perspective on our relationship considering you were an adult when we met.. but as a child and movng into my adult years, things have been, I'm sure different...first off, I'm sorry that I haven't been adequately in touch over the years.... I mean, you are the only blood sibling I have and I haven't really paid very much attention to you.. I was dissapointed I wasn't invited to your wedding when I was younger.. and understood it was the year my mom died, but I was so happy for you... and it would have been nice to celebrate something that you were really excited about...
second... I honestly don't remember what emails I sent to you over the years regarding Patrick, but I know a couple of them weren't very nice.... they were at such diifferent times in my life.. I can't even begin to explain myself.. cause I honestly would have no idea where my mind was at that point... but now, where I'm at in my life, I think I can tell you how I really feel.
You should know that 3 years ago I hired a private investigator to find Patrick.... and nothing came from that.
I guess you don't really know me... so this is what you need to know.
I am really sad that you talk to your dad a few times ayear and have never mentioned me... this fact is the hardest thing for me... I have reconciled in my brain that you were trying to protect me... but now 14 years have passed and you haven't mentioned anything.. so how the hell would you be able to explain that now?... I know that this must be very difficult for you.. but eveyr year that passes.. is another year that he doesn't have the choice whether he wants to know me... or not.. and to be honest.. that's what keeps me from wanting to get close to you... I think you are a really cool person.. and I really would love to have you part of my life... but its really hard for me knowing that you talk to Patrick and you don't mention me.. because I feel like you are embarrassed.. or something.. and I feel like we can't really be real with each other.. because there is this secret hanging over our heads...
as for Patrick... I think you need to know that I have come to terms with the fact that I may never meet him... I'm ok with that I guess... life happens exactly how its supposed to... but to be honest with you... I still would like to know who he is.
From the hints you have dropped over the years.. he doesn't sound all that great.. and well considering you have been protecting me for 14 years... he must not be all that great.. so I guess, really? what do I lose?
but in the end.. I am just interested... imagine.. being me? your whole life you have no idea what your biological father is like...then your mom dies... and you are more curious.. you want to know what your other parent was like... I just want to know if we have ANYTHING in common.. if we look alike AT all... and if we could have anything in common! I honestly have been just curious....
in the end though I am ok with never meeting him...
you should know though.. if I haven't previously told you...that I have 4 letters he wrote my mother when he found out my mother was preganant with me... and other than the fact that he seemed very confused... he wasn't an ass hole... he tried to be understanding.. and supportive.. in the only way he knew how.. but in the end he just seemed to be lost and scared... and well I'm sure my mom was too...
in the end, any person would have remorse about what happened.. any man would feel bad for not being able to be there... and any man would never feel like they could ever reconcile for that.... and I can only imagine the guilt... I can only imagine how aweful the guilt would be knowing that you left your son at what 2??? and then never met your daughter? that would eat you up inside....
from his letters it seemed like Patrick was in fact.. a very sensitive person.. and maybe the person you knew wasn't... but I have my suspicions that was him trying to hide from the fact that he is so sensitive... but that's only my hypothesis... obviously you would know better than me...
anyways.. from my hypothesis.... life hasn't been all that great for your father.. and the guilt from leaving you.. and the guilt from leaving me.. and the guilt from never really accomplishing much in his life... must be pretty bad..
and so... in the end I ask you this... my mother died 9 years ago.. I understand that we are mortal more than you know... and so I ask you this favor... that the next time you talk to him.. that you tell him that I just recently found you.. and I asked you if you were Patrick's son... and that I asked you to pass a message on to him... you never have to tell him that we met 14 years ago, you never have to give him my information... just please pass this message on to him... and then he has a choice.
Dear Patrick,
I don't know who you are... or what you have done in your life.. what your dreams were, and what you regret... all I know is that its hard growing old with regrets... and I feel like you should know that I am fine. I have no resentment towards you in any way... I simply thank you for giving me life... I am happy, I have been so blessed with love... and I am thankful that I have had the life I have... and anything different would have changed who I became.. and I am pretty thankful for the person I have become... so thank you... for what ever role you played in that.... I just feel like you should go through the rest of your life not feeling guilty.... and if you ever want to talk to me... I am open to that... in fact, I would love that.. but if not.. I completely understand.. but to say thanks for the gift of life you gave me.. wanted to make sure you knew I didn't hate you...
if you do want to reach me, my phone number is ---- and my email is ----- and my written address is ----.. I should warn you that I don't pick up all the time.. and sometimes my mailbox is full... so please don't just try once if you don;t get a hold of me....
if you, however, for what ever reason don't feel like you want to get to know me, I send you love and light... and all the best.. and I will understand.
I hope that you are well, and that you are happy what ever you are doing.
much love.
your daughter,
A.
--- honestly, it's always been so difficult for me to tell you how I feel because I didn't want to put you into an awkward position.. I can only imagine how uncomfortable this whole thing has been for you... what meeting me must have been totally fucked up! you have been so kind to me... and again I am sorry that I have always held you at arms legth its just been hard because I haven't understood why you never told Patrick..
I have hypothesized why.. and the only logical explanation has been that you were trying to protect me from him.. and protect him from himeself.. but in the end... you can't save everyone..
I am sorry that I have seemed forceful in the past... I just didn't know what else to do..
I don;t want anything from Patrick... it would just be nice to know who he is before he dies as well.... cause well I know what that's like already.
so... if you could please pass along the note to him, I think that atleast you could do that.. and make him get older knowing that I am ok... and if you don't feel comfortable telling him you have known me for 17 years.. just give him the note and I will be ok telling him I only recently found you....
whatever you need.
,
I hope --- is well and you had a lovely holiday.
I am in love, doing really well in nursing school (85% avg) and super happy.
I hope you understand.
love always,
your sister,
A.
and then I waited
----
he responded and agreed to send the letter......
so I waited.
My brother told me that I shouldnt expect anything and that he probably wouldn't write...
and then I got a card.
It was a beatiful card with a painting on the front with orca whales....
this is what it said :
*********************
Feb. 1, 2012
Hi A.,
---forwarded me your wonderflly succinct, yet very informative letter.
It wold appear that I could be your biological father, especially if your mom told you so. I am sorry to hear of her death.
You seem to haev already accomplished some of yor goals, and seem well grounded, with a sense of direction. However other than satisfying a sense of curiosity - which I can understand - I do not see how I can contribute to your well-being.
Guilt is a very relative and conditioned response and having been raised in a strongly Roman Catholic family I had more than enough. It is not an emotion I cater to. I live on a boat, which could indicate the desire to hae a moat around me. To me it is a lifestyle with a sense of freedom and enjoyment that I have not found elsewhere. I am reasonably comfortable in my own being, my accomplishments and lifestyle.
As you probably have understood already, my connection with family is rather tenuous. I have, most often, not lived up to the expectations and requirements of the family millieu. This has often lead to dissapointment, emotional distress and sometimes even bitterness. I try to stay away.
I se the phone sparingly, and although it is ubiquitous, I do not accomodate computer technology in my personal life other than as a navigational aid, so you hae to resort to snail mail. I promise to respond, however tradily I may be
go n-eiri an bhothar trat -( in gaelic)
patrick
****
The translation is "may the road rise to meet you" :)
So I wrote back.
**********************
Febrary 8, 2012
Dear Patrick,
I received you letter yesterday - what a beatiflly nice srprise. I had had a feeling over the past few days that there may be a letter and when I opened the mailbox to find your letter I felt a recognition that my intuition is beautiflly aligned with the world.
To be honest I was qite ervous - a letter from you is something I hae thought about from time to time over the entire course of my life. Always wondering what you would say.
Opening the letter - the card - and seeing the beautifl painting of the Orca whales, put my heart at ease. Orca whales are my favorite animal - I had a border in my room when I was a teenager of orcas jumping out of the water, a good memory I have of my mother and I putting it up and painting my room. So thank you for that.
You said in your letter you don't know how you can contribute to my well being - you alread hae. Yor honesty and subsequent vlnerability is more than I could have ever asked for. I feel like a part of me has come home.
The choices you have made in yor life have been yours to make, and I have spent much of my adult years attempting to embrace the life I have been given - we all have our journey - and our lessons - and only we know what's right for us.
I have had a lot of joy in my life and a lot of heartache. Mom's passing has been the defining contribution to my life - its difficlt being an only child to a single parent and have her leave - but I trly believe that she gave me everything she needed to and through her death she gave me freedom.
It's interesting to see how the expectations of family truly dictate the course of so many people's lives - and I do not have that - that freedom provides me with the space to listen to my heart without having things get in the way. Although I'm sure had my mom been alive she would have encouraged me to follow my heart it has made it easier.
Through her life I have learned so much, and through her death so much more. I am sitting at my dining room table with the sun streaming in the window on this page and I feel calm - these past few months I feel calmer and more at peace than ever before - I have a new sense of self worth - and as you said - grounding. I am trusting myself more these days - and to be honest, what a beautiful result of that internal growth.
From the letter your sent mom all those years ago and from the letter you sent me - I can imagine that you can understand that its difficult being different in this crazy world.
I have always felt misnderstood.
I can understand your love for the water and for living on a boat - living up to expectations when you just want to be free - a boat would be a pretty beatiful place to find that. I have always had a dream to learn how to sail. There is something ery special about being on the water - being at one with the earth.
Patrick - I have travelled the world - I have seen the most beautiful things - experienced the craziest things -I have felt incredibly lonely in my life - and yet I have always held hope in my life.
Your letter - and your willingnedd to correspond with me - is the greatest gift you could ever give me. I hae always been crious about who you are and the life you live - and if you are willing to share - well, that's all I really could ever ask for.
You have made me so happy.
I do have qestions - but I feel like when and if y ou are willing and ready to answer them, you will share.
Thank you again for writing back - and for the beautiful card.
I feel like somehow - across time and space we speak and listen to the same language.
much love
A.J.
om mani padme hum.
*********************
and I waited.
It was interesting waiting - I thought a thousand times I wanted to write him... everytime I talked to my brother he'd ask if I had received a letter - He told me every time he talked to Patrick he would bug him...
its interesting actually - Patrick also wrote him a letter.... and I think there was a small amount of healing that went on there... a little stressed relieved.
So I waited.... I will be honest... I am NOT a patient person... I want things NOW .. I mean look at me with T. I totally went retarded.... lol... I rush things.. and I sometimes forget to soak up the moments in between - the journey... but this time... I just waited... and every time I talked to my brother and he would express his frstration with Patrick... I would always reassure him and tell him it will all work out... he'll write back.... :)
and he did :)
this is the most recent letter...
I'm beaming :)
**************************
Dear A.,
My sincere apologies for not recognizing your 30th birthday, and for not writing you sooner. It seems procrastination is one of my stronger traits - one, I hope that you have not inherited. It is not that you have not been in my thoughts. you have - almost daily!
(are you kiddin me... do you know how this made me feel? that he acknowledged that I was actually his kid.... and that he thinks about me :) )
I was recently in the U.S. looking for our next boat, and thoght that I had found a suitable motor-sailer. Unfortunately it turned out not to be so. I thought it rather unusal to be looking at a sailboat after receiving your letter, in which you express your interest in learning to sail. We crrently have a power-boat, which I have pretty much completely rebuilt. It is a very comfortable home but we need a better sea-boat as we intend to do a lot more cruising when --- retires in a couple of years. The crrent one only has one berth and I would like to be able to have a cabin for a guest. Although we have looked at lots of boats, we have not found the right one yet. The search continues.
I have not called --- in months. Last time I spoke with him, he elicited a promise from me to write to you. Since I had not done so until now, I knew he woul be on my case (He and -- seem to hold you in high regard.
Re-reading yor letter as I write this brings up emotions that I cannot qite express. Emotions have never been very well developed in my life. I grew up with the philosophy that "big boys don't cry". Love, Joy, Closeness, Sadness, were not well received. Anger was allowed under certain circmstances, but I never did figure out exactly when. All very confusing.
The west coast, the water, boats, have enabled me to feel capable and self-sufficient in may ways, and of course gives me a feeling of having a "moat". For a long time, I never felt "good enough", but as I have aged and mellowed, learned new skills and lived on the water, I have accepted myself more.
I hope this finds you well and happy.
I look forward to hearing from you and promise not to leave it so long between correspondence.
Good thoughts from the west coast.
Patrick.
***********************
ha.
see when you follow your heart - you get what your heart desires.
I can't even begin to quite express what this all feels like... what this second letter means to me.. what I think about what he wrote... its overwhelming...
you know funny thing... the fact that when I got the first letter I didn't get crazy excited was when I started to really see how I was holding my feelings back..... it was maybe? a catalyst to me finally delving inside me and figuring out how I actually felt about things.... and letting myself finally feel the sorrow of my mom dying...
I'm not sure if I told you but over the past few years I noticed I was forgetting more and more from my childhood.... it got so bad that I realized that I barely remembered anything from before my mom died.
I realized that it was the fact that I was avoiding the memory of her dying that I was avoiding even thinking about her... and as a result I had forgotten my entire childhood.... and so I forced myself to feel her death.. recognize that I had experienced that kind of pain.... and srvived.... it was through that that I realized I am WAAAAAY stronger than I have ever given myself credit for... that by avoiding the feeling I stayed scared of everything... that I did it to cope - but walking through the pain - walking through the anguish ad recognizing that I am still alive allowed me to open up again.... and since I have started recognizing all the crazy things I have been through - seeing how strong I am .. how somehow everything works out- has been one of the main reasons I have come so far in the past year - my confidence has grown exponentially.
and now I remember much more of my childhood and memories are starting to flood back... its in avoiding thoughts that we box ourselves in - its in avoiding recognizing ourselves for how strong - how amazing we truly are - that keeps us scared..... we are all WAAAAYYYY stronger than any of us gievs ourselves credit for.... its accepting the past - recognizing it has forced us into wheerever we are to finally look back and have to accept in order to free ourselves from the limitations of avoiding looking back in our life - it keeps all th good memories at bay - we forget all the beautiful things that have happened in our lives because all we do is focus on the bad - because we do everything to avoid remembering that feeling...
I remember laying in my bed this summer and I walked myself through the night my mother died... I tried to recal the few weeks leading up to it... how I felt... what was going on... and I didn't just remember.. I forced myself to feel the emotions I had kept at bay dring that time.. just trying to survived as my mother died...
it was excruciating... I remembered her pressure ulcer that got so bad it was black and had tunneled into her back
I remembered changing her diapers
holding her hand listening to the song that was my lullaby on the record player
the last thing she ever said to me. "I love you baby"
to singing "leaving on a jet plane and I will remember you" to her - two songs I have avoided ever since.....or felt very sad around when I heard them
that's another thing I noticed - there was such sadness around her that I couldn't remember all the great things about her because it was easier - it was easier to avoid remembering her at all because I missed her so profoundly---
I'm not sure if I can possibly express what it is like for me - inside...
I am incredibly different.... I have in the past weeek started to realize that its my capacity for forgiveness, compassion and unconditional love.
I forgive people before they forgive themselves
I have compassion for every single living thing on this planet - I do not believe anyone is better than anyone else and that we are all on our own journey - fighting with our own demons - so I don't judge that anyone does things intentionally to hurt other people - they do it for their own benefit - yes - and they know they may be hurting others - but those people are hurting sooo much that they can't even let themselves feel - they are numb - so they are numb to others pain too... I recongize that everyone is inherantly good.... love...
So - you can see I am different - no one sees things like me.... and that has been really weird.
I have always felt weird.
like how can I actually be the only one? but it appears that out of every single person I have ever met.. I am the only one who has never kept a grudge. I just understand people - and no one understands me.
my mother understood me - because we were the same.
and she died.
the only person on the face of the planet who had the same kind of love I did... died.
and so I have felt unbelievably lost for the past 10-12 years.... and I haven't understood why ... until now. :)
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