letting go

Its so hard to let go.. and this one is by far the hardest...

On my birthday I finally deleted T's phone number from my phone... I just realized that if he couldn't even get himself to be kind to me when I needed someone who understood me the most.. that I just couldn't torture myself anymore....

then two nights ago when I was having a panic attack about money, my inner voice told me to be quiet... get really quiet... and in htat space I started thinking about the feelings I have not allowed myself to feel.. and dissapointment poured over me... sadness... about my family... and out of that space I got this thought that I should send T an email trying to find out if he too had the same feelings about his parents.. that maybe if everything else about us is the same.. then maybe his biggest issue with his parents is the same.. and thinking back about all the things he shared with me about them.. remembering back I could remember the hurt I could sense off him, the dissapointment... the lack of love... but he didn't believe me when I told him it was their lack of self love....

So I wrote him this letter about whether he could identify with me.... I'll be honest.. part of the reason I realized this about myself was I asked myself why I constantly look for men that don't reciprocate the love I have for them.. and then saw that reflection in my family... and so part of me wondered if T. behaved from the same place.... because his parents maybe did the same thing...

here's the letter

Is this how your parents have treated you over the years? You just love them and love them and love them and they just ignore you? They don't recognize how difficult it has been for you to love them? That they've done so many fucked up things you have a trunk full of reasons you could have given up on them... but you try and understand... and give them the benefit of the doubt... but still they continue to dissapoint you...

Until you just stop caring so much...cause it hurts too much to be constantly rejected by the people you love more than anything in the world.

That you would do anything for the people you love and you don't understand how they won't for you... that they don't seem to love you the way you love them... and maybe you've thought a few times in your life maybe its you that's fucked up? And you question how much you love people because it seems like there is no one else on the face of the planet that loves as deeply and authentically as you?

That if you actually feel that feeling... that it feels like immense dissapointment and that if you could actually have them realize how much you love them you'd tell them that its been really really difficult ... that they Really have done just about everything in their power to push you away... to make it so you can't really love them the way you want to? Because they just won't let you? Because they are too closed off... they just keep pushing you away... silently?

Then since I wrote that... I have gone through the anxiety of no money.... am back a little more in trusting again... and I found myself writing this letter:


So since I sent that email to you I have realized that I have been completely conditioned to love people who dont know how to love me back.

That I beg for them to love me...and it seems normal to me.

Theres nothing wrong with it... Except its not trusting the universe... It has me not knowing how to be receptive...

I see now how my texts and my emails to you are just another facet of that addiction.... To love someone who doesnt love me back and to hope to the point where all evidence points towards giving up.

I dont know how to let things just be.

I have learned so much about muself in trying to figure you out over the past 3 months... I wouldnt change anything...but I see where I still struggle with trusting the universe that I actually am worthy of someone loving me without having to work so hard at proving myself.

So with this I say goodbye. Not like the last times where I hoped you would turn around and beg me to stay in your life... But rather.. I believe that you have come in to my life to show me everything I have learned about myself... And that there is no more to learn from thinking about you... Or wanting to help.. Or support.. Or prove myself....

So I thank you for being true to your heart and giving me the opportunity to learn about how I interact with men without getting my heart too broken..

Weird how the universe works.

Much love and light


*****

I feel good about it.. and then I think of how I felt when I looked into his eyes and for the only time in my entire life felt completely understood and completely loved. it just boggles my mind... its so difficult for me to tell myself it wasn't what I really felt... that's the hardest thing on this journey... is trying to convince myself that he isn't right.... but I guess its that I have to learn how to be more receptive... that's sooooo difficult for me... I don't trust that things will flow easily.. I always feel like I am in crisis... and things are difficult. I need to learn that I really am worthy of having a man court me... although I'll be honest.. that scares the shit out of me! lol...

receptivity.... allowing life to flow.

next stop... who knows.

A.