There are moments in our lives where
the truth of life is so blatantly obvious that it can't be denied.
This is one of those moments.
Feelings are difficult to express in the best of times – and although I typically wouldn't say I have difficulty expressing myself – this occasion was one where I was left relatively speechless.
As this unfolded I was left almost in shock - I was trying to figre out how I could adequately express how I felt and feel - and the only thing I could think of was honesty and context - So I offer this letter with humblest gratitude and I hope it shed light on how important your gestre means.
Your generosity plays into a story way
bigger than the circumstances and I would like to share a portion of
it with you – because it is the story that makes the best part –
and it is the story of people's lives that we get to live on in –
and you will go on as a part of my story – forever in my heart.
My name is A.J. I was born to a single mother in Toronto and grew up on
welfare – my mother was so loving but never had much to give –
and so I was raised believing the most important thing you could give
to anyone is unconditional love.
We moved into my mother's boyfriend's
house on 100 acres up near Ottawa in grade 6 – a huge change from
Toronto for a 12 year old – but living in a small town taught me
about community. He took care of us until my mother's death in 2003.
Since her death I have experienced what
feels like a thousand lives – always striving to find why it all
happened to me and what my purpose is.
Which is where L. came into the
picture.
This year has been the turning point in
my life where I finally see how the suffering I have endured has
given me a level of love and compassion only obtained through knowing
what loneliness and despair feels like.
This year is the first year where I
have really begun to see how it all had to happen exactly as it did
in order for me to become this person.
L. is my hairstylist. When I moved to
Peterborough for nursing school I wanted to help someone locally and
saw the sign outside of her house – which is how we met.
The first day – it was like we knew
each other forever – I met her brother that day and found out that
they had been raised in foster care, that their brother had committed
suicide a few years ago and L.had experience dealing with a
relationship similar to the one I was in – she was critical in me
being able to leave mt boyfriend, believing that I deserved better and to trust my heart.
When we broke up I had 10$ in my bank
account, no car, lived in the country and no way to pay rent –
within a week I had a car and just before I was to move out my
landlords dropped rent by 200$ and the son of a friend of my mother's
(who had also passed away from ALS) offered to lend me 300$/month to get me
through til I was done nursing school. 500$/month in rent was doable
with my OSAP.
This fall has been one difficult thing
after another... coupled with not being able to find a job it has
been incredibly stressful – me just having to believe that its
happening just as it should I called L. on November 1st,
hoping that I could help her work a trade show to make a little extra
money to get me through until I found a job.
November1st, 2012 changed my life –
the call I made resulted in L. telling me that the night before, on
her way to take her brothers trick or treating – 5 minutes from
home - C.'s car lost control in the rains of Hurricane Sandy and
was struck by a bus.
How do you respond to that? What do you
say to someone in the most traumatizing moment of their lives? All I
heard in my head was just be yourself.
My response? “Oh my god L.– that's
totally messed up, I'm so sorry :(”
I cried and offered any support I
could.
When I got home I convinced myself to go over and just give her a hug. I didn't want to impose – but I remembered for me – hugs made me feel a little better – human contact. So I went over just to give her a hug and offer anything I could.
That night she texted me to ask me if I
could check on her brother, J., and drive him to O. – where
she was staying with her aunt and cousin. I went over with a bag of
healthy food along with all the typical coping vices – smokes,
coffee and a joint.
He couldn't leave that night because his son was coming by in the morning, so I just kept him company during one of the darkest nights of his life. The next day after clinical I drove him to O. and ended up hanging out with the family that night – just allowing them to tell me stories about C., smile, laugh and cry – just encouraging them to be okay with whatever emotion they were experiencing.
They asked me to come to the wake on
Sunday and so I drove Jason to the wake on Sunday and spent the day
getting people water, snacks, conversation, hugs and just human contact while they were numb.
It's an interesting thing to have
experienced something traumatizing like my mother dying – and not
having had the support I needed – spending ten years trying to
figure out what had been missing for me and healing those broken
parts – seeing that it is in not accepting what has happened that
causes suffering.
It is in not allowing ourselves to feel our own experiences that leave us numb to the world.
In my own recent realization that every
thing happens to teach us what we need to know to carry ourselves
forward – I saw that most of us push our feelings so far down that
we avoid all things that trigger the pain because we don't want to
accept the situation – it has been through my own experience of
finally having to accept my life for what it is, embrace it – and dare I say
be thankful for all of it – the bad along with the good that has left me calmer and more at peace then I have experienced before.
My life gave me the life experiences I
needed to be able to be the support L. and her family needed on
that weekend and it was an honour to have been able to. I was 20 when
my mom died and C. was 20 when she died – so L. and I are
living the opposite experience.
That weekend changed my life - I had to be completely present and just listen to my heart - calmness took me over and grounded me in trusting the universe to be taking care of us even when we don't believe it.
Since that weekend we have become fast
friends – and her faith in life – in everything happening just as
it should – has brought me a sense of validation and peace I have
never felt before.
Which leads us to two weeks ago. It
took me 3 hours to convince myself to go out that night and grab a
drink and go dancing – it was a stupid argument with myself where I
felt foolish going out by myself – but eventually convinced myself
that I always have fun – I always meet people and to stop being so
self conscious.
I went out – had one drink and then
headed to hang out with people I had met the week before that had
been at Spanky's. And then I ran into R..
I had no idea that the moment would be
so auspicious.
Two days later L. left my house and within 5 minutes had texted me to tell me her car had died – she had coasted into the gas station.
I went to pick her and the boys and all we could do was laugh – between the two of s we had maybe 300$ - she had just paid her rent and bought a couple Christmas gifts for the boys – so basically we knew only a miracle could fix this.
It's the moment where you throw your
hands up and say I give up and laugh at the joke – that no matter how
much you want to control life – it always throws things at you that
you can't prepare for – so with a laugh we left the car at the gas
station and headed home for a drink.
We both didn't have CAA so I decided to
text a few guys I had met randomly in Peterborough and ask if they
knew anyone with a tow truck. R. texted back, but I had already
found one. He asked what was going on and I told him the synopsized
version of this story – and he told me to keep him posted.
When we found out on Monday it was the transmission I texted R. to let him know that we were just going to leave the van at the local auto shop and I was going to drive L. around til it sorted itself out. R. said “leave it with me”.
Within two days R. had found ---- to tow the van to Mr. transmission where the owners had offered to fix the transmission at cost. By the end of the day he had found 6 of you to donate.. by the second day there was a total of 14 of you – random strangers – that found a special place in your hearts to help out L. and her kids at the most important time you could have.
Texting R. and hearing one by one as you each offered to help was overwhelming – how do I process something like that – it was above and beyond anything I had ever been part of in my life.
I have never had much to offer in my life – but my unconditional love and loyalty.
Through my own journey I have learned that it is in being our authentic, flawed selves that we have the most to offer.
If I wasn't the type of person that meets random strangers and shares who I am with them I would have never met L. or R. - it truly is in living authentically that I have the chance to be part of this.
Life is full of the good and the bad – the
struggles that change us – we have no control over – it is only
our reaction to those events that matter to our lives.
When we accept
these events and recognize how lucky we were to have those we love in
our lives and let them go with love and appreciation for whatever
they gave us in the time they were with us – we are able to be
thankful for all of what life hands us – believing that we do not
understand the bigger reason – but it is all happening just as it
should.
The value of one's life is found in how they left people feeling for having met us.
C., although I never met her, was clearly the kind of person that changed people's lives just for having met her, was clearly the kind of person that changed people's lives jst for having met her.
When I was at her wake I told L. that C. obviously made a difference while she was alive and she will continue to make a difference in her death – through her short life she was able to impact more people than most people do in their entire long lives – if we can all be more like C. the world would know peace.
So I continue this
journey living into C.'s legacy – my mother's legacy
andoffer my own life lessons as my gift, my thank-you.
The truth about life is your capacity of generosity, appreciation, courage, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, support and love.
We have to forgive ourselves – love ourselves and recognize that our lives give us a finite number of experiences to teach us and it takes us living to learn – that we couldn't have known more than we have.
Forgive those we love that have wronged us knowing that they didn't know any better either.
Forgive the universe, forgive life, for having life experiences be both good and bad.
We need to let go of judging our lives and be thankful for the experiences that have shown us how STRONG AND RESILIENT we truly are.
We are all
perfectly flawed and it is in our flaws that we find the special
thing that we have to offer the world. - mine is that I talk too much - not that you haven't figured that out already :) lol. It has been in my struggling
that I am able to offer support that cannot be taught from a
book...only learned through life experience...
What determines
your success is your capacity to relate to other people – recognizing
that we all struggle – but we struggle together and together we can
CHANGE THE WORLD :)
Your kindness in helping L. and her family represents the authentic good on all of you... it is something that can't be bought – but is fostered through life.
When I met R. he saw somethig in me - he trusted me and recognized that I was authentically good - I told him that we only recognize that in another person when we are the same way - that he was like me - even if he didn't believe it.
I never knew how true that was when I said it.
The fact that he went out of his way to call of you and organize this without even thinking twice is remarkable.
The fact that he has fostered relationships with all of you who trusted him and supported him is really special and I want to acknowledge the depth of character required to organize a feat like this.
I also want to acknowledge each of you - So please take a moment to recognize the same in yourselves – that we only recognize the greatness in others when we are the same way - recognize your inherent humanity – the good in you that exists and is represented in your kindness and love.
I wouldn't have survived my life and be where I am.. without the love of strangers – the support of strangers – who became friends – because if there is one thing I know about myself its that if you cross my path – you have me for life – so the offer is passed back. If you are ever in need – I will always have my love, compassion and friendship to offer.
I had a dream to change the world since I was a child – a dream I still believe in – so know – as I change the world – you go along in my story of having faith in love – in the goodness in all human beings – that if you always act from love, from your authentic self – then everything will eventually work out.
I carry you in my story. My humblest gratitude.
On this, Christmas eve, you have all touched my heart in a profound way – that you gave me the opportunity to help when all I had to give was love. You are part of what Christmas is all about – love and light – hope, compassion and joy.
C. had a dream to help set up schools in Africa. I did my first degree in International Development and volunteered in Zimbabwe in 2006, so in the new year we are going to set up a foundation in her name, and her and my same dream will come true. It will be called the -- Rainbow Foundation for Africa.
May the highest
good be in your heart.
As my mum would say
Angels on your pillow
love and light
Merry Christmas,
Happy New Year, Happy Holidays and Happy anything else you celebrate
A. J.
Om Mani Padme Hum.
December 24th, 2012
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