What would you say to a friend who is dying? A letter to Cody.

For some reason I started watching some of the videos I had made this fall going through the break up with J... and then I came across the ones I did when I found out C. was dying, how I felt about what I could do.. being scared to want to help but not want to cross boundaries... to the letter I finally got the courage to write.

To be honest it is one of the most beautifully succinct letters I have ever written, and since C. has died... I have learned so much from that experience, along with all the other things that have happened in the past 3 months, and so I share this letter with you.. in the hopes that my words can offer you comfort if you too are facing such a crisis.

Namaste

C. my love. Alright, so I am afraid to write you this message, I am scared that I am going to upset you, I am scared that I am crossing lines in our relationship.. I am scared that I am not giving you the support you want... I am scared that you are going to get mad at me... I am most afraid that I am assuming I know what you need in terms of support and I know NOTHING.. so that I am giving you the wrong support... but in my heart I believe that when you know the TRUTH you have to speak the TRUTH. and well I wanted to do this in person.. but I figured I would just write you a note then you can digest and you can call me with any questions you have.

FIRST things first. If you want me to back off. you HAVE to tell me. You will not offend me. I will not take it personally. I need to know what YOU need. if that's just someone who talks about the weather.. then I will.. if that's someone who moves to Guelph to help you.. I will.. If that's just doing research and passing along the information then I will.. if that's me just holding your hand and being silent I will. If that is you want to cuddle and laugh.. I WILL.... I know when I am suffering, there are things I do not ask for because I am worried that I am a burden, I worry that I am asking too much, and I know that the people around me have their own lives and I don't want to impose.... YOU are NOT imposing on my life in ANYWAY. It is my honour to be of service to you and your soul's journey and I need you to get really present with what you want. I am intense.. and I know that sometimes I cross lines with what people can handle. So if I am. please tell me and know that I am so sorry.

First. we both know how today was going to go. The prognosis I am sure is really terrible. I am sure you are in a state of shock and convincing yourself that its all going to be fine... first things first. IT WILL BE FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE RIGHT NOW. Whatever you are going through right now, you have to stop being "strong" you have to honour your body. Honour your soul, and recognize how you feel.. yo have to STOP worrying about EVERYONE else.... you have to start LOVING yourself more than you ever thought possible.... and acknowledge your fears... let the wall comedown around you and be naked to the love around you. There are so many people that love you.... you have to let them.

You are a lot like me C., always with a smile, always looking and feeling like everything is ok... which is good... but stuffing emotions down is what causes sickness. Stress causes illness... and when your body is fighting as hard as it can, added stress will just exacerbate the problem. So first thing is you have to stand up to that little voice in your head that says that you have to be stoic, have to be strong, have to be positive.. you just have to be YOU.... YOU ARE PERFECT... just the way you are.

I believe that you are very very sick. I also believe you still can beat this. Whole heartedly I believe that... but it scares me to tell you that.. because of course I have no idea... I just believe in my heart that you can... but the question then falls on you...

If you want to beat this C. its honestly going to take every last little bit of you.. it requires a complete reversal of mental and physical strength.. its going to require a fight like you have never seen before. It's 90% mental and 10% physical. The mind has the capacity to change everything...

But I will tell you that in my experience... in my life its difficult to change the way you think... it has taken my whole life to start really embracing what I feel on the inside, because I am worried what everyone around me will think.... In order to heal your body you are actually going to have to put yourself FIRST. no questions. You are going to have to say to the universe... I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY WORLD.. and for a selfless, loving, kind person like you.... its going to be difficult because you've been conditioned that thinking you are the most important thing in the world means that you are SELFISH>

C. what I have come to realize in the past year is that loving yourself is SELF LOVE... its not selfish, because when you LOVE YOURSELF... when you are all filled up with love... then you are free to give that away, but you can't give that away unless you are FULL....

C. , I know your heart. Your heart is as big as they come.. and although I do not know you very well I know that most likely you have spent the past 6 years taking care of the people around you and not so much yourself.

This experience you are going through is forcing you to take care of yourself.. and to let the love in around you.

When I was in Korea I realized that I had cocooned myself into a world where I wouldn't let people love me... I think I did it because after mom died I was so worried to love, and to feel love because when you let yourself feel love.. you experience loss.

feeling love requires a vulnerability that is really really uncomfortable. It requires you to say YES to anything and everything people offer you.. it requires you to figure out what you want and ask for it... it requires you to find your voice and make NO apologies for yourself. It requires you to completely shift how you perceive the world.

I've been trying to do it for ten years now and really... I struggle everyday with trying to be myself.. and worrying what everyone is going to think of me... hence this letter.

So basically for me I watched mom die from cancer... and she tried alternative medicine.. so I have spent the past 10 years really investigating whether I believe in alternative medicine... and what I believe causes cancer.

Being in nursing school has confirmed my suspicions. STRESS causes CANCER. that is emotional, physical, energetic relational, nutritional. Stress causes cancer.

We live in a world where people do not get the proper support... I think its because no one really knows how to give it... I know in the past 10 years there are very few people who know that I need a phone call once in a while asking if I'm ok...

This is going to be a super long email and I apologize.. but I have to just get it out of my heart. I apologize if it upsets you, that is not my intention... my intention is to just give you my knowledge and let you do what you will with it. There is no time for me to be scared.

So... the number one goal in life.. I believe is to learn how to really and truly LOVE YOURSELF.

This requires an understanding of the body that is far from conventional. It requires you to recognize that you are a spirit living the human experience. you are MORE than the sum of your parts. and there is a voice inside you that you know.. its your intuition that speaks the truth to you.. and THAT is your SOUL.

Healing requires you to TRULY..believe that YOU HOLD THE POWER over your life. That's number #1. This is a scary notion, because well what if you are wrong? the way I see it is... it's scary to be wrong.. I am scared right now that telling you all this is wrong and that I should just shut up.. but... my heart tells me that I have to share and you will do with the knowledge how you please.

So in order to learn how to love yourself you have to be willing to look at how you've been treating yourself... whether you have been honouring yourself... and sometimes that means... telling people to fuck off. (lol... I may just be the first person you tell to fuck off.. and if that is the case.. well at least you are making progress :)) If you are tired you need to sleep.. if you are awake you need to exercise.

Moving your body is ESSENTIAL. you have to stretch, feel your toes.. feel every part of your body... and feel the pain. Recognize your body is in crisis.. that it is you.. and that you have the power to heal. The only way to heal the body is by honouring its complexity, honouring its uniqueness, and honouring the life you have been given. You got the shitty end of the stick with your dad dying... I also heard you were supposed to go to New Zealand.. and didn't... these two things are an enormous stressful burden on your heart, your head, your body and your soul...

Healing will require you to heal your sadness from all the trauma you have faced in your life... accepting it as the gift it was to teach you the lessons you needed to learn.. and this cancer that you are experiencing is the same thing... in its messed up way it is a gift... to see yourself as PERFECT.. that life happens, and we as humans try to control it, try to make ourselves feel better... but in the end we know very little about what is really going on.

So healing is going to require a physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and nutritional shift... it is going to be very very difficult. But dying is going to be painful. You have to get really straight with yourself about your feelings around death. and not just let it happen. If you choose to not fight.. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE... you have failed NO ONE... sometimes that is the choice you have to make. and C.... it is OK to make that choice too... you are at a cross roads right now... and what ever decision you make you have to make it with POWER... because your mind controls everything.

If you want to fight to live.. I will do everything in my power to help. If you want to die... then I will do everything in my power to make sure that I help you with that journey. Whether that is making videos for the people you love.. or recording conversations.. or making a scrapbook.... you need to figure out in your heart what you wish your father had done for you and your family in a sentimental way.. and do that for yours.

You know everyone will be ok. But the world will be empty without you C.... truly. your heart is so unique.. and special that I don't want you to die... I want you to live.. but I understand that may not be your journey this time around. Death is scary. Its really really scary.

I do not know what you believe, but I will share what I believe. I believe in reincarnation. I believe that we live our lives learning lessons and we keep coming back to learn those lessons... we grow as we are learning... and we only grow when shitty things happen. It s a weird juxtaposition... but I know in my life.. all the trauma I have experienced has shaped me into the person I am. and I wouldn't be the person I am without having suffered... and I think that I am a pretty nice, kind, open, non judgemental person. I walk around and see all the angry people in the world.. and I see that I am different... and I see that YOU ARE DIFFERENT... I think that is why I am writing you.. because people come in your life and you don't really feel connected.. but then there are a few that really impact you... and when I think of you C., I think of laughing and smiling and hugging I think of how good a soul you are.. how kind and generous... there are so few of your kind on the planet.. that I notice.

So.. sickness, because I believe that life is a series of lessons I believe that sickness is the biggest one. Most of the western world believes that illness is a problem.. an inconvenience... but anyone who has truly fought for their life and has survived... knows that their entire outlook on life has changed. It has shifted their perspective... and has shifted the perspective around them. Illness, when taken on full force has the power to heal the very depths of your soul... because you have the opportunity to learn how to love yourself. To do the little things for yourself that you need to.

Death is just coming to the end of a cycle... it is scary, only in that we spend our lives trying to control everything we do, everything around us.. and we live in a constant state of anxiety that something bad is going to happen to us.. death is letting go of all expectations.. letting go of all control and really giving ourselves to the earth.. to nature... to the powers that be.. whatever power you believe in. Its becoming one with everything. Our problem is that we are one in our bodies too.. we just don't recognize it.. and its difficult when everyone around us believes we are separate too.

There is not alot of support around death. I am sure you know that with your father.

I believe that our society is all fucked up. we should be talking about death our whole lives.. not out of fear, but so we are NOT afraid and we know what to do. I know that after my mom died I wished that she had written me a letter I could hold about how she felt about me.. I wish that I knew of a place she would want to go... so I could visit her. I wish that we had talked about her life and what she learned... and what she wanted for me... but we didn;t because she didn't want to talk about death.. and as a result it came.. without me being prepared.. and it was terrifying.. and has been terrifying since. I wish that someone had been able to mediate between us, so that she could have said what she wanted to say to me.. and I could to her... but I didn't want to bring it up.. and she didn't either. I don't feel like there were things left unsaid.. because I know in my heart she loved me dearly... but there are things that make a difference in the lives of the people we leave behind. And the way I see it now is had she just talked to me about those things... if she had gotten better well then no harm! and knowing that she died.. it would have made all the difference in the world.. and to be honest part of me feels that not talking about her fears was just another way that she suppressed her heart.. suppressed herself to fit an idea of the way she thought it SHOULD go.. as opposed to how it IS GOING.

C., we spend our entire lives trying to make everyone happy around us.. trying to plan and figure out how we are SUPPOSED to behave. the joke is.. you are not SUPPOSED to behave any way.. you are just SUPPOSED to be YOURSELF. If that means laughing at inappropriate things.. well then laugh at inappropriate things! lol.

Listen, I am sorry to be so heavy... but I felt the need to pass along the information I have. I do not know if it is the truth. But in my life I have found it to serve me very well.

As far as your recovery. Like I said.. you need to get REALLY straight with yourself about the battle you are about to face... truly get deep inside you.. and figure out what you REALLY Want and you are SCARED To say OUTLOUD.. once you figure out what you REALLY WANT.. you have to SAY IT OUTLOUD every chance you get and make NO apologies. I CHOOSE to LIVE.. or I CHOOSE to DIE.

Either way... I have your back. Either way you honour yourself.. your heart, your body and your spirit.. and I believe that is the lesson here. For you to learn how to truly LOVE YOURSELF.

alright my love. that's enough of my intensity in your world. Because I know what I just wrote is incredibly different than most people's perspectives, I also understand that you may now just think I am crazy.. and want me to stay at a distance.

If this is the case then know that I love you.. and support you in whatever you are going through. give me a call when you want to talk or have any questions.
lots of love.. I love you from the end of your toes to the top of your soul.
xoxoxox
A.
as my mom would say, Angels on your pillow.