He texted.

I don't know if I should write this here.. I wanted to just write in my diary.. and keep this for myself... but this whole blog has been about this lately... so I figred I owed it to myself to share what was really going on.... for the few of you that read this.

he texted.

it happened and I have never been happier for anything in my whole life. its weird. I sat here and actually said out loud. "this is happening" "this just happened... oh my god this is happening. " with the biggest smile on my face.

I really had just lost all hope. I was texting him over the past week... beating myself up constantly... it was excruciating... just wanting so badly for him to write back.. agonizing about what I could possibly say for him to feel comfortable....

I guess I got to the point where I realized that if we are as alike as I think.. then I must know how he feels.. somewhere inside me I have to be able to figure it out.

what I figured out... and its completely my hypothesis.. but I think I may actually be right... is that I didn't really wait and pay attention to where he was at in his life. He told me... but I guess I didn't listen... or thought it wasn't a big deal.. or wanted him so badly that I couldn't see the truth... I have no idea... but whatever it was I couldn't see it.... it was all about me.

He is dealing with a divorce... in fact I think he may not even be divorced yet and just separated... he had vowed to always stay married because of what he saw in his own life and how he was so hurt from his parents breaking up that he never wanted to do that to his kids.... so he sort of must feal a little like a failure.... so not only did what he wanted more than anything in his life not work out.. but she cheated on him and ended up staying with the guy..meanwhile shes a complete bitch to him.. let me tell you the things I have fantasized about saying to her... lol

He has these two little girls that he is desperately trying not to fuck up and hes scared shitless about taking care of them. Plus he has this job that is incredibly unfulfilling... but gives him some form of security when everything around him feels unstable. His mom isn't supportive.. and she's this crazy hippy who pretends to not be.... and is all broken and avoids being loved.... he loved teaching but lost it and doesn't really know if its what hes supposed to do... but hes like me and has wanted to change the world... known deep down inside that he's meant to change the world.... but in his eyes can't see the whole plan yet and its scaring the shit out of him. I think he feels like a failure... and so doesn't really have much to give himself.. let alone anyone else...

he was dating casually, but nothing serious.. and seemed like he was beating himself up for that too.. he even said to me once that he wants to stop because thats not the kind of guy he is.. as though its somehow wrong to want to have sex once your heart is broken... he's unorganized and doesn't know what he wants becase everything he thought he wanted turne out to be wrong.... he's trying to see it... understand why its all happening.. but hes in the thick of it and then I showed up.

I realized I was like a bomb in his life when he couldn't handle anything.... needing attention.. demanding attention.. and not understanding where he was.... expecting to just jump into something when I didn't even know how his days go...and he didn't expect me... he wasn't looking for me.. and I can be full fledge INTENSE.

I'm not mad at myself... I feel like it had to all happen the way it did.... but I got to this point this week where I just... I can't go on the rest of my life without talking to him ever again. I just can't. I need to talk to him. I need him in my life. however he needs to be. I need him. I have learned so much about myself over the past 3 months... and I know that I wasn't ready for a relationship.. in fact I don't think I still am.. there is alot I still need to work on in myself to become the person I really want to be.

But when I met him... the love was so strong I just couldn't back down.. and I wanted him to love me for me.... so I had to be true to myself... and lets be honest... he pretty much knows all my crazies now lol. I totally have become stronger and more understanding.... and realize that when I get ahead of life it doesn't work...only when I am here.. in the moment is it on fire... everything works. and so... over the past two weeks I have kept writing him.... every time I do I beat myself up for being so persistent.... feeling like I am a retard.. everytime I write him its this spontaneous thing... I cringe at the thought.. and then tell myself... well he already thinks your crazy... so really at this point you have nothing to lose... and these are the texts.

so first I sent him an email

December 23, 2012

coffee? peace?
A.

December 25th, 2012

I woke up in the morning on Christmas and alll I could think of was him.. hoping that he got to see his kids.. hoping he wasn't alone, I had wanted to ask him but knew he wouldn't respond... and so I simply wrote

T. I hope you and --- and --- have a lovely Christmas. All the best in the new year :)
A.

Then on December 28th, 2012 Igot this weird feeling like maybe I could catch him spontaneously.... and really at the end of the day... how could he not just see me for a freaking drink... that I just wanted to see him. make peace and be ok with whatever between us. I called my friend N. who I had given his number too when I had deleted it the first time.. and asked her to send it to me. The first time I texted him since my birthday.

I texted

Hi. Its A.J. Would you be free to go out for a drink tonight?

NOTHING.

I felt stupid.. but then just told myself it was ok... New Years came and I really just let go.... I met this musician at the wedding and had the time of my life.. I was so honoured to be the maid of honour for my best friend... and I felt like I finally came home. I told the girls at the end of the night.. "I know yo lost me for the past decade... bt I really want to come back." Kris said "the door is always open."

I am so freaking lucky to have those girls.. loving me through everything.

JM, the musician and I ended up going back to the hotel with some other people, hanging out and playing msic....

actually it was interesting that night... we danced together and then would split up.. I would look for him and would get that anxiety like I do sometimes at the bar when I meet someone I like... that he's going to dissapear and I am going to lose my chance.... bt then I would just tell myself.... let it be.. whatever happens is what is spposed to happen.

it was weird... no attachment.. just fun.

We shared a bed that night.... honestly? because we are both retarded.. well I am a retard and didn't realize I needed to find a place to sleep.... until the day of the wedding.. I'm not exacctly sure how I didn't know that... I mean its a pretty obvious thing. but i didn't... I couldn't tell Kris cause I didn't want to stress her out soI just told myself it would work out... then a girl at the wedding that I knew told me I could sleep in her room... so I was relieved... then I met JM and he hadn't planned to stay either... so he didn't have a place to stay.. so when this couple invited us to party with them I asked if it would be ok if we stayed in their room and they said yes.

So JM and I shared a bed and it was so much fun...
we ended up making out and it was so innocent because we were in the same room as this couple who was being very generous.... so we were like teenagers.... so much fun!

The next day we ended up getting our cars back.. and then going for breakfast where we saw both the bride and groom's parents.... it was lovely.. and we just chatted and hung out and ate... the grooms parents ended up telling s the story about how they met and it was an awesome story.... then JM and I just sat out in the car for hours talking.. it was weird... he ended up telling me all about these crazy things in his life... we talked about past relationships and sex... and just alot of our shit.... and we totally turned eachother on.

we ended up going for a drive up the escarpment and then making out in the car on the side of the road. I ended up asking him if he would want to come visit and he said yes... basically I really wanted to have sex with him.

I got home that night and the next afternoon I was in and out of catching up on sleep and I ended up having that feeling again where I want to write T. and so I wrote

January 2, 2013

3:05 pm.
hope your new years was good. How are your feelings on getting together and making peace... and starting off the year with a clean slate?

NOTHING.

3:32pm
I know you may think I am crazy for even wanting to talk to you still after ignoring me for two months. But I would prefer nor being intimidated and awkward around you when I run into you... And I believe everyday is a new day to be different. I wasn't going to ask but I figured Id give you the benefit of the doubt again.

I didn't want to sound pissed off... but I wanted to convey that this is really hard.... to keep hoping.. and really I just don't want to be awkward... I just want to make peace... that's it.

NOTHING.

so the next day... I randomly texted JM and asked if he wanted to be spontaneous and come up that night.... and he did.

We had the best time.... and I had so mch sex. lol... it felt amazing. We spent the entire day in bed the first day... he played music for me and told me he really liked my smile.

BUT. he had some weird fantasies.... it was interesting though.. because I .. for the first time inmy life wasn't thinking about dating this guy.... simply put.. he didn't even begin to wave a candle at how T made me feel.... and so I knew it wasn't a long term thing... but I was ok with whatever it was for the moment and so thats how I treated it.. whatever happened happened... no judgement.... so he shared his fantasies.. and I played along.. and I had great sex... lol

We ended up randomly going to Ottawa together and walking around it was awesome... we even went skating.

I haven't been skating in a decade. I even got my skates sharpened the night he came. The skates I haven't worn since I was 18 visiting my mother in Ottawa and I would skate the canal by myself.... I haven't touched those skates since she died... and I put them back on in Ottawa... it was like I was making peace with my past....

and ironically because JM shared all these fantasies with me.. I shared mine with him.. and I realized that I have literally been sexual since I was born... things I have never told anyone I was telling him about kissing tag with the boys and touching this boys penis... about how he was my neighbor and we would hide nder my blankets and I asked him if I could see his penis and touch it... I remember he was way more nervous and weirded out than me.... I was always facinated.

I even remember showing the boys in my preschool my vagina and what? maybe 4?

I told him about the first time I was fingered... in the bar in Japan.. how my first kiss was with this random brazillian guy... that I had thought my first kiss would be this romantic kiss with someone who loved me..but by 16 I just didn't care anymore...it was Christmas eve.. I was 17... . and how I kissed 8 guys that new years eve.

I told him about how I never had a boyfriend or anything in highschool.... and it made me crazy.. and so I went to banff and I actually went a little crazy.. I told him about making out with this one guy on a bench over looking the water.. and another guy in an ally....about the first time a guy went down on me...

about what it felt like when I went to university.. making out with guys.. but never having sex.... wanting to save it... and knowing that the second I had sex... nothing would stop me....and thats what happened. about how my first bf chated on me.. and the next guy I slept with was in the back of his car outside my dorm .. he asked me for my number after and I looked at him and said "you just fucked me in the back of your car. why would I want to give you my number? you don't respect me!"

I even got so true with myself that I told him weird fantasies that I have had in my life.. and related them to how I was feeling about myself at the time.... I understood.. and didn't judge and through that I started remembering who I am is really sexal and I was born this way... I think I made peace with my sexuality.

When we got home from Ottawa we had sex again... he played for a few hours while I lay in bed and then said he wanted to leave that night. I was shocked... and dissapointed.. I wanted to cuddle more... lay in bed and slked a little. He came in and asked what was wrong and I told him that I was dissapointed.. but nderstood and to just give me a couple minutes I will get over it.

The coversation I had with myself was really interesting. I asked myself why I was so upset.... that he was leaving... but I didn't want to date him... and the whole time was lovely because it was spontaneous.. that I couldn't guilt him into staying and that we hada lovely time..and if he was ready to leave then I needed to be too.

He wanted to cook food before he left so i lay in bed and told him what to cook and how to cook it... so he made dinner.. I finally got out of bed to enjoy the last few minutes with him and have his company. He left.

and I was happy. before he left I told him that it was so nice to have him.. that I feel like I made peace with parts of me.. and it was nice to just hang out with no expectations.... lol at one point I actually said " so when you want to get laid again give me a call..."  realized what I had said and then said "well isn't that telling about what I think of men.. lol.... "

he texted when he got home.... that he made it to the farmers market and that he was going to sleep.

I woke up around 10:30 and lay in bed... and then the voice inside me said "get the fuck up.. T is at the farmers market... I wanted to ignore it.. but I couldn't

I got out of bed and got ready and went to the farmers market.

I looked for him... but nothing... in fact I sat in the parking lot for an hour after wondering if he would randomly show up.... the feeling was so strong...

and by 12 I was sitting in my car and I wrote

January 5th, 2012
12:02pm
"Is there anything I could say to make you feel comfortable. "

I was lost. I realized there I was waiting to see him..bump into him... I just can't let this go... and I would do anything.. anything to talk to him again.

he made me feel amazing when I was around him... and I can't not have him in my life.

NOTHING.

4:27 pm
"why am I so scary?"

at this point I just couldn't understand.... how he could not want to talk to me... why he was so scared of me..I was so confused... which is when I really started to understand... that I hadn't seen that he had nothing to give me. He was either protecting himself.. or protecting me.... whichever it was... he didn't have to and I needed to show him that he didn't need to be scared. That I had come to a point where I was ok with whatever... I just know that I want him as a friend.

by 9:44 I was desperate.
I wrote

"I don't know how you can do this... I don't know if you are trying to protect me.. Or protect yourself bt your silence hurts and denies everything we talked about... Everything we shared. I know I cant do anything more. Bt I feel incredibly powerless and its very difficult to just let it be. Everytime I say goodbye.. It hurts and everytime I'm vlnerable and put myself out there  hoping you will change your mind and talk to me.. just to be ignored it hurts... I don't know what to do.

I was completely vlnerable. naked in my confusion.. in my frustration.

I went to a party that night.... I had so much fun.. and then ended up downtown randomly.... met a bunch of people.. talked to a bunch of people... and came home at 4am.

Today was a crazy random day trying to get to my car.. my charger was in my car so my phone was dead.. my friend was supposed to come visit but couldn't remember the address... so she ended up driving the whole way and then driving home because I didn't have my phone... it was fucked.

I ended up going for a walk trying to find my cat... which by the way hasn't returnedyet and I am getting worried... man I love that cat.
and on my walk I was beating myself up again for texting him and then I heard myself say "no A..... you were invented this way... yo couldn't be any different.. there are no mistakes in this.... its happening exactly as it needs to.. just accept it...

I got home
at 3:42 today I wrote this:

"we;;. Ive grown a lot in the past few months... I realize now that I wasn't ready to be receptive and I didn't respect where you were at in life. I know it would be difficlt to believe but I really just want to be a friend... respect that you don't want to date me and not have me react poorly to that. I really just want to chat... You were the best conversation I have ever had and it would just be nice to have you in my life and forgive me for being an emotional girl and contributing to the chaos. If you change your mind I'd like to invite you to the farm... We can go for a walk and catch up.. We don't even have to talk about what happened between us... just start from scratch. If not well I guess I have to find the strngth to accpet this and see you when I see you. Please just say hi so I don't feel like a parriya.

At this point I finally realized what I wrote at the start of this entry... that he has broken pieces.. and I didn't listen... I wanted to be loved so much... I couldn't really and trully love him... but all the growth I have gone through has brought me to a place where I really can accept what is... and what is is that he does not want to date me... for whatever reason that is.. he has a lot of shit and if I want him in my life I have to not contribute to the burden.

friends. thats it.

then tonight i start watching this movie called "what's your number" and it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. It was me in a movie. half way through I was laughing so hard I had to tell my girlfriends... so I paused it and texted or called them.... then I got the text.

I can't even tell you what it felt like.. I was literally shaking seeing his name. I couldn't even believe it and it simply said :

Janaury 6, 2013

Hi. We can start slowly I'mopen to that. My lifeis in a total flux. I can't handle much beyond getting up each day and getting through it. So added stress is not something I want. Nor any pressre on any level. I honestly don't even have much time for friendships. So take it for what its worth. Don't be offended or weird if it takes time for me to respond.

I have never been happier in my whole life. For something so small. communication. Thankful for communication. that's all I wanted....

it alsobroke my heart a little that he's suffering so much... and doesn't sound happy. and so... with all my might I simply wrote back

"ok. deal. :)"

and I wait.

I've never cared for another human being in my whole life. Where I am actually not thinking about myself... but rather entirely him... actually.. ironically it seems like I am going through the same thing with my biological father right now.

I have written 2 letters now that i have stopped writing because I feel like I am being too intense.. that I have to remember that he is fragile too.

and so I have to give them both only what they can handle...

the only reason I can is because I finally love myself enough that I am not looking for love... I can give it now.

I have to learn how to be receptive.. and this friendship has to happen at T's pace... only T's pace. and so I wait... til tomorrow, or maybe next week.. or maybe next month.... but that I have to keep myself in check.... because when I don't... we won't talk. I will lose him again.

So.. I've learned how to be present... realized that when I get a head of life... I freak out.. and when I am in the moment.... waiting for the next moment... I am available for life... for whatever my beautiful life has in store for me...and what an adventure it is :)

I'm so proud of myself for not giving up... for accepting myself for who I am. and for learning to love myself so I can love those around me.. and hopefully.. if he lets me.. I can atleast be a friend while he is going through all this.. and not want for anything more than to give..

crazy.

school starts tomorrow and I also beat a fear of mine down.. Ive been debating whether I should take the second pharm course. The first one almost killed me... you need a 65 in it to take the second and the only way to do acute in consolidation is to do the second pharm.. bt I've been scared... I haven't wanted to do acute cause it scares the shit out of me... and I don't want to take pharm cause it scares ths shit out of me... but I found myself telling myself that I have never ever closed a door on anything in my life.. and that I can't now. I may not do acute or even want to.. but I need to make sre I atleast have the option.. pls its good to learn all about the drugs. I won't get this kind of education anywhere else... and to not be scared... I got 70 in pharm.. somehow I did it... and so I can do this too..... I have to believe in myself. more......

so that's my day. now its getting late. I need to go to sleep and be ready for tomorrow. properly. :)