2012 - the year that changed everything

At the end of every year I sit down and reflect on the year...

I am leaving in the morning for my oldest and best friend's house... for her wedding in which I have been asked to be her maid of honour. a true honour. I never thought anyone would ask me to be their maid of honour. I felt that in my whole life no one was that close to me- no one felt that I was their best friend... so to be asked is truly an honour - one that has made me feel relatively inadequate.

I haven't understood why I haven't been able to feel the excitement... perhaps its because I just don't know what to say... I am so happy for her.. and so proud that she chose me as her maid of honour.. but don't feel like I deserve it.

My life has taught me many things... but being worthy was never one of them. I have spent the majority of my life hoping, praying that people will like me.. that a man will like me.. love me and prove to me that I really am worth it.

Its a belief.. that is so strong in me... and well my mother didn't even write me in the will.. so really, at the end of the day... the person I trusted more than anything in the world.... didn't look out for me...and so its hard to fight with that belief.... its so deep I barely know its there... my unworthiness.

I want to be a good person. but I want so desperately to love myself. its terrifying the things I have to do to honour myself....

This was the year of learning how to  really loving myself..although loving myself felt excruciating at times... I have to say this was the year that I finally listened to my heart.

I have looked back on my relationship with J and realized that I behaved in that relationship exactly as I should have... I stood up for myself whenever he would hurt my feelings... and yet I was compassionate, forgiving and kind.

Being hit was literally the scariest thing I have ever experienced... to have the man I love disconnect like that... it was weird... I'd never seen anything like that before.... or atleast not since I was a little kid... but to see in his eyes...emptiness.... and then to watch how he denied it had happened.... I had such compassion for him... but made him talk about it... feel what had happened... accept what happened.. as I did.

I promised myself that I would break up with him when I felt like he didn't care anymore... and I stayed true to my word.. even though it killed me inside.

I was unhappy and scared... and the life I was living was no longer the life I wanted for myself....

its funny how it all happened... I didn't even have to do anything.. it just happened. and I never cried less over anything in my life. I was so hurt... so deeply pissed off that he would be so cruel... and so thankful that I was no longer in the relationship.... that I felt free...

Feeling free was relative... because at first I felt so proud of myself... like I came out of the fires of freaking hell... and then I was worried about money - about my apartment...

at the same time all this shit happened with some girls at school and I basically hid the entire time.. spending most of my days alone.. to be honest I am not exactly sure what I did in that time.. watched TV, read and slept....

there were days in there that were unbearably sad... thank god my room mate was there... honestly.. thank god for facebook and being able to keep in touch with good people that kept encouraging me...and I gave everything to God. I couldn't bear it... so I got up every day.. did what I had to do and went back to sleep. I couldn't do anything more.

I loved the summer though...I would spend days out on the lawn just soaking up the sun... I loved watching the fireflies come out in the valley and listening to the birds come back.

This farm is what kept me sane during everything.. that when I felt like everything was falling apart... the beauty outside my doors made me feel like it was some how bearable.

When I found out Cody had cancer and was going into the hospital... I was overwhelmed with grief... and fear.... I didn't know what to do, or say.... but I did what I thought was the right thing to do. And in the end.. I think I did. I sent my love.. and support. I did what I thought I would want in that same situation.

Cody dying impacted me... I remember thinking that weekend that I wish I could be more rediculous like Cody - he was always making a fool out of himself and I loved that he just didn't care what people thought... I knew he did... but I liked that in a way he didn't... I vowed to be more relaxed and to not take life too seriously.. which by the way.. I have been failing at recently... lol

and then I met T. It honestly gave me hope...and I guess that's really all it was meant to do. I fell in love with T... because of all the ways he was like me... in the three months that I have analyzed what happened.. I have learned more about myself than ever before. I truly admire the person I have become... I mean, I still need to make money and be able to support myself... and I need smarter clothes... but I value myself in a way I have never felt before.

its hit or miss sometimes... but the biggest difference between how I feel about T and how I felt about Matt was T, I never once thought he didn't like me... like I had done something wrong... and that has changed everything in my heart. Everytime I ask myself if I did anything wrong.. the answer is nope.. you just followed your heart. and there is never anything wrong with that... I didn't know where the road was going to take me... and its taken me here.... its been a doozy... but I was myself from day one... I wanted him to love me.... but I wasn't going to change...

it's a funny thing realizing that you really like yourself... because there are a lot of people that don't agree... it's difficult being self critical and wanting to truly know myself... and yet not internalizing all the bullshit.

The hardest thing about letting go of T. is that I felt the only reason it all fell a part, was not that he didn't feel the same way as me.. but rather I represented all that he wanted but was scared to have... I represented his mother... and the part he loved so much about her was also the part he hated about her... and so he couldn't possibly want me... if he didn't like that about his mom.

I wanted to teach him to love himself... but we are all on different journeys... and I am so tired of having men in my life that aren't ready for love. But then I guess I have not been ready for love either.... scared of the person I am.. I am intense. that I am sure of... and although a lot of people criticize me for it.. I feel it is one of my best qualities... in fact.. it was something I truly loved about T.... he was just as intense as me... I learned to honour and love myself.. I learned that I am addicted to people who can't love me back.. andeven though I know that... it's difficult to break the addiction.

To not feel sorry for myself... but rather choose to step away. I have to.

It's crazy how many other things happened this fall, with school being incredibly intense... no job... finding out about J's new girlfriend (which btw I found out he proposed to her on Christmas eve)... to Carissa dying.

It's fucked. this year has been totally fucked.

This fall I started off well, joined yoga and kung fu.. was eating properly and waking up early... but I quickly lost my fire. I seriously can't believe I got through this semester.

C.  dying changed me. It taught me what it felt like to really be there for someone... to be able to handle the most difficuly of situations with grace, love and compassion. I was honoured to be able to help L. and her family out and thankful that I had the life experience that taught me how.

This year was the year I became thankful for my own life. and realized that the people that do not support me, don't know how... because they have never walked in my shoes... and those that have.. those are the most compassionate.

This year taught me strength beyond measure.. and perseverence... I cannot begin to believe that I even passed my courses.

To finally.. having my step father have the heart attack and strokes... and rebuilding bridges between me and my family.

The best thing that happened to me this year was the letters from my biological father. What a treat...in the midst of all the chaos.. a little girl's dream came true.

Finding out J. is engaged.... is interesting.. 6 months ago it would have destroyed me... but now I can only be happy for the man I was once in love with.. and accept that that was NOT my path.

and so I go into the new year with hope. Hope that I have gained unsumountable strength for whatever life has in store for me.. that I am capable, strong and resilient.

This year taught me that I will survive. That I looked back on my life and I was thankful.. I am thankful for everything good and everything bad.. and have finally accepted it for what it truly is.

life.

2012 changed my life.

and now I am heading into 2013 with my oldest friends... women that I have shared my entire life with... with our mothers.... although my mother cannot be there in body... I know she will be there in spirit.. we will drink and dance the night away... celebrating the start of 2013 with love... and thankfulness for all the beauty life has bestowed upon us.
namaste.
A.

unrequited love

Unrequited love.

Love is the most confusing emotion I encounter. I completely understand why we all get so resigned about it. Love requires both parties.

I understand why in fairytales no spell can control love – because unless it is freely given it isn't love.

This past year has been unbelievably difficult.... I feel at times I want to understand my life so badly I analyze it so much... I avoid the feelings that accompanies the analysis.

Losing J. was unbelievably painful... but I can barely even remember – part of me thinks its because it hurts so deeply that I avoid it.. and the other part of me feels that I just moved forward and accepted that it was meant to happen exactly as it did.

Losing T. on the other hand... is totally fucked. J never made me feel the way T. did... not in a year and a half did I feel understood.

Every time I say to myself 'enough' I think about him even more... everytime I keep hoping it hurts... nothing I do takes away the frustration of having a man like that not reciprocate my feelings...

to be so sure – to see more clearly than I have ever felt before – and then it strip me down – strip me down so much that I feel resigned to love.

Its one of those things that I just can't understand... and there is a part of me that resents the universe for putting him in my life only to take him away.

I don't know if T. was there to show me what else I could have so that I could let go of J. easier and faster... I don't know if I was deluded when I met him... I don't know if he was just trying to protect me from himself... I don't know if he did just really not like me... I just don't understand.. and with no explanation – with no relatedness on his part I have been left in completely limbo.

I've been here before... with Matt. I was shocked to figure out he really wasn't the one.... and I guess the same is true for T.... but god.. its so difficult to believe that...

Its difficult to understand how I could fall so desperately in love with him so quickly... to let myself fall... knowing that I was going to get hurt... to be so sure that he felt the same way... to be so wrong.

I know everything happens for a reason.. but god.. this fucking sucks...

I keep trying to remind myself that someone is out there.. that will click with me like T. did... but this time reciprocate my feelings... but to be honest... I don't know if I believe that... we clicked in so many ways.. it was weird... and exciting... I guess its having faith that if it happened once... it could happen twice.

I caved and wrote him just before Christmas “coffee? Peace?”

I thought he would no doubt say yes... that after seeing me in the bar – would want to see me again...and remove this tension between us... but no... nothing.

I told myself... no more.. but then on Christmas day I wrote to say Merry Christmas... and then... last night... when I was sooooo frustrated and I just wanted to talk to him I got his number from a friend (who has been keeping it after I deleted it) and wrote him “are you free for a drink tonight?”

This is where I have no idea about human beings... I have never ignored anyone intentionally.. and so many people I have encountered have this technique down pat... its painful to be cut out of someones life... right now my best friend is also using this technique on me.. and I swear... it makes me go crazy..

trying to figure out how I can break the silence. Feeling like there is nothing I can do.... and yet wanting to so desperately... writing letters hoping that the other person will have some level of compassion that they will write me back.. and just let me know where they are at... just even a check in – like – hey, I'm sorry I am just still trying to process this... I will be in touch soon.” anything...

I want to just forget about both of them... pretend like it doesn't hurt.. and tell myself that I don't give a shit... but that isn't me. I hate this feeling.. and so I would never do it to someone else. But really.. I don't know what hurts more... being the person trying to get attention from someone and having them so coldly ignore you... or being the person who is so closed off that they can't even talk.

I'd like to say I don't give a shit about T... but if I said that I would be ignoring how I felt over the past 3 months.... I can't not give a shit about someone I love.

UGH

So.. a thought that recently occurred to me was that the universe may not be giving me what I want because I don't seem to know what I want...

I was looking at how I was processing the whole T thing and I noticed that as the course of time progressed I kept wanting less and less in a relationship... ok with just friends... being ok with just letters at the very least... I found myself being ok that he had children... to accepting that if I was with him I wouldn't be able to have my own...

Forcing myself to let him go found me feeling like I don't even know if I really want children.. and I don't even know if I want have the relationship I once thought I did....

Kids scare the shit out of me. I don't even have enough organizational skills to take care of myself – let alone a child.... I still think I would fuck them up.. which is totally rediculous.

I have just found that in order to accept what I have in front of me... I keep letting go of the things I have wanted since I was really young.

What I WANT?

I want a man to look at me and think that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met, inside and out. That he feels astonishingly lucky to have me.... and I feel the same way about him. I want to feel like I came home.. to a man that makes me feel safe, understood and loved unconditionally.

I want a relationship where we don't play games... but just talk about what is going on for us.. and help each other out of the dark times instead of hiding.

I want to be madly, ridiculously in love.. and carefree about the future... just being so happy in the moments we get to spend together.... we don't care what will happen. I want to find my exact match, me in a man's body.

I want children – I want to love little people and give them hope.

I want a fairytale love... and I won't accept anything less...

and it scares the shit out of me that I will never have it.... and then be alone because I believed in fairytales...

writing that makes me realize that I really believe in that...and that I cannot become resigned.... that it has to happen.. because I have earned my wings.

I have earned my wings..... and I want someone to share my life with... I know we are always alone... but I really really really want someone to share my life with... to look at when I wake up... kiss, touch, love... I want to love someone so desperately and treat them the way they deserve.... take care of them while they take care of me.

But then I have these moments of convincing myself that that is asking for too much.... and because of T.... faith is fleeting.. because I never knew you could feel like that in a day.... and how he could not want that feeling is absolutely beyond me... so I am left more confused than I have ever been.

He loves me back... but can't have me around him... its totally fucked and it hurts more than I could possibly explain... to have someone look in my eyes and tell me that I was the most beautiful woman they have ever met, inside and out... to tell me he just wanted to hold me... to tell me he understood how lonely life could be.. and how lonely I must be... to kiss me and tell me that I want to do this but doesn't know if he knows how to be loved... To run.

And leave me trying to be the strong one.... while my heart is breaking... trying to keep it together... trying to understand.. trying to keep faith... when I've become a nothing in his life.

Its completely fucked up and I don't know what to do about it.. literally.. every time I try to do anything... there he is in my head.. in my heart and it makes me hate my heart... honestly.. it hurts so much I find myself resenting myself for loving and wanting him so badly.

Maybe its that what he said represented what I don't give myself... and I want to have someone who tells me that.. who understands to validate how I have felt over the past 30 years of my life.


I feel like I have been trying to keep my head above water for 30 years.. I swear... I feel like I'm always trying to prove myself to keep people around me... always worried about money.. always worried about how I am going to pay rent.. how I am going to succeed in life.. how I can prove myself to men so I will be loved... its fucked... I have never felt like there is a safety net under me... well since my mother died...

I feel like no one knows how to take care of me.. and I just want to be taken care of... supported. Loved. Even my friends don't quite understand me... T was the first time in my life that I felt completely understood.

I can't believe I understand life to the extent that I do.... and yet this shit just makes no sense.

So I just sit in this feeling.... recognizing that there is nothing I can do about it.... unrequited love is a bitch.

Christmas Miracle

There are moments in our lives where the truth of life is so blatantly obvious that it can't be denied.

This is one of those moments.

Feelings are difficult to express in the best of times – and although I typically wouldn't say I have difficulty expressing myself – this occasion was one where I was left relatively speechless.

As this unfolded I was left almost in shock - I was trying to figre out how I could adequately express how I felt and feel - and the only thing I could think of was honesty and context - So I offer this letter with humblest gratitude and I hope it shed light on how important your gestre means.

 

Your generosity plays into a story way bigger than the circumstances and I would like to share a portion of it with you – because it is the story that makes the best part – and it is the story of people's lives that we get to live on in – and you will go on as a part of my story – forever in my heart.

My name is A.J. I was born to a single mother in Toronto and grew up on welfare – my mother was so loving but never had much to give – and so I was raised believing the most important thing you could give to anyone is unconditional love.

We moved into my mother's boyfriend's house on 100 acres up near Ottawa in grade 6 – a huge change from Toronto for a 12 year old – but living in a small town taught me about community. He took care of us until my mother's death in 2003.

Since her death I have experienced what feels like a thousand lives – always striving to find why it all happened to me and what my purpose is.

Which is where L. came into the picture.

This year has been the turning point in my life where I finally see how the suffering I have endured has given me a level of love and compassion only obtained through knowing what loneliness and despair feels like.

This year is the first year where I have really begun to see how it all had to happen exactly as it did in order for me to become this person.

L. is my hairstylist. When I moved to Peterborough for nursing school I wanted to help someone locally and saw the sign outside of her house – which is how we met.

The first day – it was like we knew each other forever – I met her brother that day and found out that they had been raised in foster care, that their brother had committed suicide a few years ago and L.had experience dealing with a relationship similar to the one I was in – she was critical in me being able to leave mt boyfriend, believing that I deserved better and to trust my heart.

When we broke up I had 10$ in my bank account, no car, lived in the country and no way to pay rent – within a week I had a car and just before I was to move out my landlords dropped rent by 200$ and the son of a friend of my mother's (who had also passed away from ALS) offered to lend me 300$/month to get me through til I was done nursing school. 500$/month in rent was doable with my OSAP.

This fall has been one difficult thing after another... coupled with not being able to find a job it has been incredibly stressful – me just having to believe that its happening just as it should I called L. on November 1^st, hoping that I could help her work a trade show to make a little extra money to get me through until I found a job.

November1st, 2012 changed my life – the call I made resulted in L. telling me that the night before, on her way to take her brothers trick or treating – 5 minutes from home - C.'s car lost control in the rains of Hurricane Sandy and was struck by a bus.

How do you respond to that? What do you say to someone in the most traumatizing moment of their lives? All I heard in my head was just be yourself.

My response? “Oh my god L.– that's totally messed up, I'm so sorry :(”

I cried and offered any support I could.

When I got home I convinced myself to go over and just give her a hug. I didn't want to impose – but I remembered for me – hugs made me feel a little better – human contact. So I went over just to give her a hug and offer anything I could.

That night she texted me to ask me if I could check on her brother, J., and drive him to O. – where she was staying with her aunt and cousin. I went over with a bag of healthy food along with all the typical coping vices – smokes, coffee and a joint.

He couldn't leave that night because his son was coming by in the morning, so I just kept him company during one of the darkest nights of his life. The next day after clinical I drove him to O. and ended up hanging out with the family that night – just allowing them to tell me stories about C., smile, laugh and cry – just encouraging them to be okay with whatever emotion they were experiencing.

They asked me to come to the wake on Sunday and so I drove Jason to the wake on Sunday and spent the day getting people water, snacks, conversation, hugs and just human contact while they were numb.

It's an interesting thing to have experienced something traumatizing like my mother dying – and not having had the support I needed – spending ten years trying to figure out what had been missing for me and healing those broken parts – seeing that it is in not accepting what has happened that causes suffering.

It is in not allowing ourselves to feel our own experiences that leave us numb to the world.

In my own recent realization that every thing happens to teach us what we need to know to carry ourselves forward – I saw that most of us push our feelings so far down that we avoid all things that trigger the pain because we don't want to accept the situation – it has been through my own experience of finally having to accept my life for what it is, embrace it – and dare I say be thankful for all of it – the bad along with the good that has left me calmer and more at peace then I have experienced before.

My life gave me the life experiences I needed to be able to be the support L. and her family needed on that weekend and it was an honour to have been able to. I was 20 when my mom died and C. was 20 when she died – so L. and I are living the opposite experience.

That weekend changed my life - I had to be completely present and just listen to my heart - calmness took me over and grounded me in trusting the universe to be taking care of us even when we don't believe it.

Since that weekend we have become fast friends – and her faith in life – in everything happening just as it should – has brought me a sense of validation and peace I have never felt before.

Which leads us to two weeks ago. It took me 3 hours to convince myself to go out that night and grab a drink and go dancing – it was a stupid argument with myself where I felt foolish going out by myself – but eventually convinced myself that I always have fun – I always meet people and to stop being so self conscious.

I went out – had one drink and then headed to hang out with people I had met the week before that had been at Spanky's. And then I ran into R..

I had no idea that the moment would be so auspicious.

We got to talking about my philosophy on life and he mentioned that I should consider getting into public speaking and said he might beable to help me out – so we exchanged numbers.

Two days later L. left my house and within 5 minutes had texted me to tell me her car had died – she had coasted into the gas station.

I went to pick her and the boys and all we could do was laugh – between the two of s we had maybe 300$ - she had just paid her rent and bought a couple Christmas gifts for the boys – so basically we knew only a miracle could fix this.

It's the moment where you throw your hands up and say I give up and laugh at the joke – that no matter how much you want to control life – it always throws things at you that you can't prepare for – so with a laugh we left the car at the gas station and headed home for a drink.

We both didn't have CAA so I decided to text a few guys I had met randomly in Peterborough and ask if they knew anyone with a tow truck. R. texted back, but I had already found one. He asked what was going on and I told him the synopsized version of this story – and he told me to keep him posted.

When we found out on Monday it was the transmission I texted R. to let him know that we were just going to leave the van at the local auto shop and I was going to drive L. around til it sorted itself out. R. said “leave it with me”.

Within two days R. had found ---- to tow the van to Mr. transmission where the owners had offered to fix the transmission at cost. By the end of the day he had found 6 of you to donate.. by the second day there was a total of 14 of you – random strangers – that found a special place in your hearts to help out L. and her kids at the most important time you could have.

Texting R. and hearing one by one as you each offered to help was overwhelming – how do I process something like that – it was above and beyond anything I had ever been part of in my life.

I have never had much to offer in my life – but my unconditional love and loyalty.

Through my own journey I have learned that it is in being our authentic, flawed selves that we have the most to offer.

If I wasn't the type of person that meets random strangers and shares who I am with them I would have never met L. or R.  - it truly is in living authentically that I have the chance to be part of this.

Life is full of the good and the bad – the struggles that change us – we have no control over – it is only our reaction to those events that matter to our lives.

When we accept these events and recognize how lucky we were to have those we love in our lives and let them go with love and appreciation for whatever they gave us in the time they were with us – we are able to be thankful for all of what life hands us – believing that we do not understand the bigger reason – but it is all happening just as it should.

The value of one's life is found in how they left people feeling for having met us.

C., although I never met her, was clearly the kind of person that changed people's lives just for having met her, was clearly the kind of person that changed people's lives jst for having met her.

When I was at her wake I told L. that C. obviously made a difference while she was alive and she will continue to make a difference in her death – through her short life she was able to impact more people than most people do in their entire long lives – if we can all be more like C. the world would know peace.

So I continue this journey living into C.'s legacy – my mother's legacy andoffer my own life lessons as my gift, my thank-you.

The truth about life is your capacity of generosity, appreciation, courage, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, support and love.

We have to forgive ourselves – love ourselves and recognize that our lives give us a finite number of experiences to teach us and it takes us living to learn – that we couldn't have known more than we have.

Forgive those we love that have wronged us knowing that they didn't know any better either.

Forgive the universe, forgive life, for having life experiences be both good and bad.

We need to let go of judging our lives and be thankful for the experiences that have shown us how STRONG AND RESILIENT we truly are.

We are all perfectly flawed and it is in our flaws that we find the special thing that we have to offer the world. - mine is that I talk too much - not that you haven't figured that out already :) lol.  It has been in my struggling that I am able to offer support that cannot be taught from a book...only learned through life experience...

What determines your success is your capacity to relate to other people – recognizing that we all struggle – but we struggle together and together we can CHANGE THE WORLD :)

Your kindness in helping L. and her family represents the authentic good on all of you... it is something that can't be bought – but is fostered through life.

When I met R. he saw somethig in me - he trusted me and recognized that I was authentically good - I told him that we only recognize that in another person when we are the same way - that he was like me - even if he didn't believe it.

I never knew how true that was when I said it.

The fact that he went out of his way to call of you and organize this without even thinking twice is remarkable.

The fact that he has fostered relationships with all of you who trusted him and supported him is really special and I want to acknowledge the depth of character required to organize a feat like this.

I also want to acknowledge each of you - So please take a moment  to recognize the same in yourselves – that we only recognize the greatness in others when we are the same way - recognize your inherent humanity – the good in you that exists and is represented in your kindness and love.

I wouldn't have survived my life and be where I am.. without the love of strangers – the support of strangers – who became friends – because if there is one thing I know about myself its that if you cross my path – you have me for life – so the offer is passed back. If you are ever in need – I will always have my love, compassion and friendship to offer.

I had a dream to change the world since I was a child – a dream I still believe in – so know – as I change the world – you go along in my story of having faith in love – in the goodness in all human beings – that if you always act from love, from your authentic self – then everything will eventually work out.

I carry you in my story. My humblest gratitude.

On this, Christmas eve, you have all touched my heart in a profound way – that you gave me the opportunity to help when all I had to give was love. You are part of what Christmas is all about – love and light – hope, compassion and joy.

C. had a dream to help set up schools in Africa. I did my first degree in International Development and volunteered in Zimbabwe in 2006, so in the new year we are going to set up a foundation in her name, and her and my same dream will come true. It will be called the -- Rainbow Foundation for Africa.

May the highest good be in your heart.

As my mum would say
         Angels on your pillow

love and light

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays and Happy anything else you celebrate

A. J.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

December 24th, 2012

I love you more than you love yourself.

Ha.

The most amazing thing just happened to me. I was talking to my friend J. And I finally saw myself for who I really am... its funny because in the last post I was writing about how I am starting to realize that I have this incredible capacity to forgive.... I forgive you before you forgive yourself.... I love you before you love yourself.

You ask anyone I have ever met - and they would say.. if there is one thing I know about A.. its that she'll always be there.

*****
Last summer I had a friend skype me that I hadn't spoken to in 3 years.

We broke up - she is the only person in my entire life that I have ever really and truly broken up with. She was so mean to me.. and we'd break up constantly.. until finally one year I snapped on her.... we didn't speak for a year and then she sent me a message on facebook.

I told her that she was a very angry person, that I know she has shit from her childhood but that she has to figure it out because she was so mean to me.... she wanted to put it behind us and I told her she had to apologize for how she treated me... and she couldn't... so I said good bye.

She called me last summer in crisis and told me that I was the only person she knew who wouldn't judge her and would always be there....

and we talked for a few hours... I helped her and told her she was way better than what she was putting herself through.... she thanked me and told me I sounded really different - really good.

I haven't heard from her since.

so I'm that person.

****

So I was talking to my friend... and then all this crazy wisdom came out of me I will try and remember -

Change happens. We need to learn how to accept change - we get so ahead of ourselves based on this desire to live a cozy life - a safe life - STABILITY is all we desire in our lives - and yet stability is boring - stability, safety... is not where life exists... life exists inside of being willing to change... being willing to change the job when you are unhappy, being willing to change the car when you want a new one... being willing to move to another country because you think it would be interesting... or taking the savings you have and take the whole family on a six month trip to Asia - life is where change happens.. and unless we as a culture learn to accept change we will suffer -

I said - I think its interesting now, that the life, we as a society has set up for ourselves... for this stability is finally starting to collapse... and people who have had comfy jobs for 30 years are being forced to change - life celebrates change - and we resist it... but if there is one thing that is certain... things are going to change :)

we were talking about relationships and this is what I had to say:

When you live into a future where everything is painted the way you want... you will accept nothing else...nothing else will do.... so you ignore the things that come.. you cut love off because it doesn't look exactly the way you painted in your head - or you hold on to love too long because you are holding on to that dream....

When you have a picture you decide what is going to happen before it happens... you are playing ahead of the speed of life - you decide what is going to happen.. and so make decisions based on that - for example what happened with T.

He was so scared of hurting me down the road.. he hurt me right away.. he didn't even let us go on one date before he pulled the brakes... all because of the fear... that ironically happened anyways.. because let me tell you - if we had dated for 6 months and then we realized that we didn't quite match I would have understood breaking up then.. far more than right away... it was like his reality wasn't really reality - we hadn't even gone on a freaking date! and I didn't handle this whole thing very well - I mean I have been devastated because I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just give me a few dates to enjoy ourselves....

and so I was telling my friend who is going through a similar thing in which she broke up with this awesome guy because he said he doesn't want to have kids....

that she's dated assholes her whole life.. she has never let someone love her back... and this guy does... so what if you break up in six months...what ever you are supposed to learn from each other - you will learn.. and you will feel even better - because you have survived breakups before - you can survive them again - and why not enjoy the time you have together before you decide its not right.... its ok to let yourself get to know someone... its ok to date someone you don't know if you want to be with forever .. love is about always having the choice to leave - its about always asking yourself if you want this.. and always answering yes.... and if that changes.. if that answer becomes no.. honouring the person.. and letting each of you part... happy to have had the time together.... loving the person for gracing yor life with what ever lessons they were supposed to teach us.

Look at me and J. That relationship was fucked... but I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I told him at the start of the relationship that I would stay with him until I felt he no longer cared.. and that's exactly what I did... and every time we got into a really big fight.. and we were talking about staying together.. I always asked myself "are you ok with continuing knowing that you are going to get hurt even more the next time.. because now something has happened and you have evidence to leave.... so you are not only going to be hurt but you are going to feel guilty for not knowing better... and every time I would answer - I forgive myself for no knowing better.. and I accept that I am going to get more hurt - and so I did... quite a few times.. until I felt he no longer cared.. and we broke up. It was excruciating - but it had to happen... it was the right thing to happen.. and had either of us been scared to change - we wouldn't have done the right thing for ourselves.. and since he has met his perfect match.. and I have been dealing with falling in love with a guy that is scared to hurt me. lol.

As we accept change we also start to accept that people come in and out of our lives - it is inevitable.... I have travelled the world.. and made some pretty profound friends, especially in Japan and Korea - people that I know to this day ... I made profound connections with people I knew would leave... but I didn't stop myself from making friends before we parted... I enjoyed every second we had with each other... we don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, let alone 3 years down the road.. and you are allowed to change your mind...

you are allowed to break up with someone when you no longer feel its right.. without any guilt... which leads us back to learning to love yourself... you have to honour your feelings... and not be scared of them.

you can't live into a future you don't know about - you will miss out on great loves.. or great moments....

you know at the end of the day.. if I were to be very honest - every man in my life that I have been sexual with.. always started with the hope of it being something great. Even if for a night....

I was reading today in an old journal about this guy I had met in Korea at the mudfest - I met him and found out quite quickly his brother had died... I kissed him and hugged him and asked him to have the night with me... we hung out all day.. laughing and drinking and making out....hanging out with our friends... and then I lost him...some how I found him on the beach 5 hours later and he was so excited to see me... he hugged me and said "how... out of 10,000 people did you find me again?... its fate" we watched the best fireworks display of my life... and he told me that he wished he could call his mom... I told him to use my phone... he didn't want to but I told him "if I could I would.. so please call." he looked at me and I said "I know what its like to lose your best friend". He kissed me and called his mom... I even have pictures of that phone call... and told her that he loved her...

we spent the whole night together.. and had sex in the ocean... he crashed on the floor of our hotel room and in the morning was super sweet to my friends.

As we were walking back to the beach the next day I thanked him for the night and he said "no thank you, it was a privilege.. it was so nice to be with you. "

before I left he told me that "no matter who you meet, always show them who you really are, never change who you are A... now kiss me." I kissed him and said good bye.

****

he changed my life.

I even write how he was the first guy who really made me feel good about myself... I felt love from him.. and it was one night in my life...

I knew it would only be.. and that was ok.

and funny thing - that wouldn't had happened unless I had had all those other experiences with one night stands and accepted them as being ok.

so let yourself love... let yourself live.. and change.. and don't feel guilty for wanting to change... because life gets WAAAY better when you embrace that you are capable of anything... so long as you accept shit happens... the bad with the good.. what are all the other adages we have heard a thousand times in our lives?

when you limit change - you limit your emotions.. when you limit your emotions you are terrified of experiencing those emotions so you run your life trying to avoid anything that even remotely triggers those emotions... and how the hell can you follow your dreams if you are scared of getting hurt? hurt comes... EMBRACE THE HURT - the hurt is what got you here in the first place... the hurt is what made you finally decide to change.. that change is good... the HURT is what got you to change... so feel the hurt - accept that you have been being a complete retard your whole life and continuously sold out on yourself because you were terrified of experiencing life - experiencing loss - experiencing love and devestation - calamity will happen. I ASSURE YOU CALAMITY WILL HAPPEN - no matter how much you try and avoid it - life seems to make sure you will experience shit at one point in your life - so embrace that fact - and ride the wave of your own life... get in tune with who you really are and make no apologies - people will survive - but you are not alive - you are dead and its no ones fault but your own....

courage is walking into fear.

every breakdown there is a breakthrough

people only change when they are stretched - stretching only happens through pain....

suffering is only important until it isn't.


****

At the end of my conversation with J. I said... I love you more than yo have loved yourself... it has been my job to show you what love is... to be here... waiting, watching... so that there would come a time where I could tell you about why you hurt me.. because I have watched you... and been here waiting.. and finally you are ready to hear what I have seen...

and then I realized... whoa she was listening.. whoa she was really calm and really vlnerable.. and I started laughing and cheering and I was like " Oh my god J... you are vulnerable! Omg you are listening and not getting defesive... omg I think you may love yourself... and in that moment.... I realized that because she finally was loving herself... she was finally capable of loving me back... it was a profound moment for me on the phone.... that she loved me back the way I have loved her...

and I said "you finally get it... I'm never going to leave.. that's what true love is... and you finally see.... how mch I love you. :)

****

I have finally realized what I have been searching for so long.... no one can love me the way I love them ntil they love themself.. so it has been my journey to love people more than I love myself.. and it has been learning to love myself that I have realized what I have been doing all along... it is in honouring myself that I am able to finally recognize how compassionate I truly am.. and maybe? start to look at why I have qestioned myself for 30 years.... because.... I have wondered why people can't love me back.... and thought it was me... meanwhile... it had nothing to do with me...

****

Tonight I realized where this may have all come from.... my father left before I was born.... and yet.. I am so happy to be alive... that I couldn't have asked for anything more in life... life.. was all I wanted.. all I needed from him....

my father abandoned me.. and I was not agry or hurt.. I was just curious about him.... and so.... throughout my life I have felt - if I don't hate him.... my father....for leaving me.... then I can't possibly hate you. ... nothing was worse... and then since my mother died... that has been the hardest thing to come to terms with.. and it is in recognizing her death happened to catapult me into all this self reflection.. all this inqiry... accepting her death as part of me.. as part of a devine plan for my growth.. that I am finally able to start accepting life for the beatifl tapestry it is.... and love is my thread.

I love people the way jesus loved people. unconditionally. If I can forgive people, and understand why people are the way they are.... then anyone can.. we jst have to be eachother's cheering squad, encouraging each and everyone of s to learn to love ourselves... its in encouraging others... that we find the love we've bee searching for....

you free yourself... because yo love yourself enough to be vulnerable... to accept that people are going to hurt you.. bt only because they don't know why they do what they do... and we all need help figring out what and why we behave the way we do... heal old wounds... and learn to trust ourselves again..

It is not to have learned the lesson to not be vulnerable.. it is the actual lesson we were supposed to learn... being vulnerable is what causes us to get hurt - but hurt causes us to grow - and growth causes s to be vulnerable again... it is in embracing vulnerability... that we free ourselves from the shackles of the rules we have put in front of us in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt...in order to protect those we love from getting hurt by us.... don't worry. I will survive... I just want to be able to know you.. before we part... and part from you, having known our love.

give me the gift of you loving me... by first loving yourself... we all have something special to share.... we all have something to contribute to the whole... it is in your very existence that you are special... so you get to decide whether you want to be proud of yourself.. and go out and honour who you are and follow your heart.. live in the uncertainty.. and die feeling like you REALLY lived.

Its ok to be scared.. its ok to be any emotion you are... because you are feeling... give yourself a freaking break for not knowing any better.... and doing your best.. even though your best wasn't perfect.. it was all you knew at the time... so forgive yourself and go forth with the new knowledge and the recognition that you only hurt others based on how mch you love yourself... on how much you let yourself feel.... so let yourself feel... let yourself be loved.... and love yourself the way your parents should have.. the way everyone in your life that has ever dissapointed you should have...

let me tell you... its difficult learning to love yourself without anyone who loves you as much as I do.... but you have me. Even if you are reading this blog and will never met me... just get that I love you.. through time and space.. I love you... and what ever you are going through, what ever you ahve done.... I know I would forgive you.... I would just keep loving you.. hoping that one day you will learn that you are only hurting yourself... it is your choice to keep love at bay... it is in keeping yourself scared that you stay small.. and don't play the game of life...

so flap your wings... and believe that if there is only one person... that you need to know you are loved by. that's me.

and just so you know.... you can walk outside and realize that all of natre loves you.. all of life loves you.. and its been secretly conspiring just for you.... trying to get you to see.... My love is simply a reflection of the love the entire universe has for each living being.. because life is a miracle... and you were no mistake. nature doesn't make mistakes.

Angels on your pillow.
xoxoxox
A.

A daughter's first communication with her father in 29 years.

So.....

I want to share about my father....

I was born to a single mother... when I was younger I went through varrying stages of understanding the situation... first I didn't think I had a father... then the time came where I found out that was impossible...

I remember being about 5, sitting in the back seat of my mom's friend's car with her two kids, who were 2 years older than me and they asked me who my father was. I said I didn't have a father... they explained that was impossible....

the first story I heard was that I did, but he left before I was born.. that's all I knew

I went through stages, thinking that he had left my mom when he found out she was pregnant, thinking that they just broke up before she knew she was pregnant (she found out she was pregnant at 4 months, they broke up at 3 months... I don't know if this is true, but its what she told me)... I was then told that she had written him a letter about me, but never heard back from him.... and then finally when I was 19 I found out that she had written him when she was pregnant and he wrote back... there was a letter... I asked to see it... she said when she dies.... how fucked is that? - a year later she was dead... and before my step father burned every piece of paper she had saved over the course of her life... I demanded to see that letter... he fought me on it and told me that it was none of my business... I fought back and told him it was completely my business.... turned out there were 4 letters.

Now the story of trying to find him goes like this... Christmas Eve of grade 6 my mother told me that she had his brother's phone number, so if I wanted to call I could. So I did. I remember asking for my uncle... and then said "hi, my name is A.J., I think ... is my father and I was wondering if you knew where I could find him." my mother had warned me that he may not know. .. she also ttold me that she tried calling a couple of times, but no one ever aswered....

his response "I'm sorry A. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years. "

My uncle ended up coming to visit me that spring....

he got me in tough with my "brother"... and the following year my brother came to meet me.

Now this is all fcked, because when my father had left, he left for the west coast - to live on a boat....

my brother had lived out there and he would see our father from time to time but he wasn't a good father....

Over the years my brother and I have kept in touch... but only have seen eachother maybe 7 or 8 times.... and every time I saw him I wanted to know about my father....

I finally got to the point where I started getting pretty upset and desperate that he hadn't told him about me yet... it was excruciating... I asked him on numerous occasions... at one point, before I left for Korea he said he would write or father a letter, but that he wanted to say we just met... I told him that was unacceptable and that he could omit when we met, but that it wasn't ok if he lied to him.. that I don't like lying.

He told me we wrote the letter.. and then nothing... over a few months I got the impression the letter never happened.

so I started to get mad... I threatened to hire a private investigator... and that our dad wold find out either way.. so it would be best for him to just confess he knew me... NOTHING.

I hired a private investigator when I got back from Korea... nothing. He couldn't find him. So I gave up....

Then last year I had this moment of clarity... and I wrote the following email to my brother:

******

Jan 15, 2012

Hey,

I hope you are doing well... I was talking to my friend tonight about you, and about my biological father... and I started to think about alot of things.. and well I guess I felt like I should write you.

I obviously feel like you obviously have a very different perspective on our relationship considering you were an adult when we met.. but as a child and movng into my adult years, things have been, I'm sure different...first off, I'm sorry that I haven't been adequately in touch over the years.... I mean, you are the only blood sibling I have and I haven't really paid very much attention to you.. I was dissapointed I wasn't invited to your wedding when I was younger.. and understood it was the year my mom died, but I was so happy for you... and it would have been nice to celebrate something that you were really excited about...

second... I honestly don't remember what emails I sent to you over the years regarding Patrick, but I know a couple of them weren't very nice.... they were at such diifferent times in my life.. I can't even begin to explain myself.. cause I honestly would have no idea where my mind was at that point... but now, where I'm at in my life, I think I can tell you how I really feel.

You should know that 3 years ago I hired a private investigator to find Patrick.... and nothing came from that.

I guess you don't really know me... so this is what you need to know.

I am really sad that you talk to your dad a few times ayear and have never mentioned me... this fact is the hardest thing for me... I have reconciled in my brain that you were trying to protect me... but now 14 years have passed and you haven't mentioned anything.. so how the hell would you be able to explain that now?... I know that this must be very difficult for you.. but eveyr year that passes.. is another year that he doesn't have the choice whether he wants to know me... or not.. and to be honest.. that's what keeps me from wanting to get close to you... I think you are a really cool person.. and I really would love to have you part of my life... but its really hard for me knowing that you talk to Patrick and you don't mention me.. because I feel like you are embarrassed.. or something.. and I feel like we can't really be real with each other.. because there is this secret hanging over our heads...

as for Patrick... I think you need to know that I have come to terms with the fact that I may never meet him... I'm ok with that I guess... life happens exactly how its supposed to... but to be honest with you... I still would like to know who he is.

From the hints you have dropped over the years.. he doesn't sound all that great.. and well considering you have been protecting me for 14 years... he must not be all that great.. so I guess, really? what do I lose?

but in the end.. I am just interested... imagine.. being me? your whole life you have no idea what your biological father is like...then your mom dies... and you are more curious.. you want to know what your other parent was like... I just want to know if we have ANYTHING in common.. if we look alike AT all... and if we could have anything in common! I honestly have been just curious....

in the end though I am ok with never meeting him...

you should know though.. if I haven't previously told you...that I have 4 letters he wrote my mother when he found out my mother was preganant with me... and other than the fact that he seemed very confused... he wasn't an ass hole... he tried to be understanding.. and supportive.. in the only way he knew how.. but in the end he just seemed to be lost and scared... and well I'm sure my mom was too...

in the end, any person would have remorse about what happened.. any man would feel bad for not being able to be there... and any man would never feel like they could ever reconcile for that.... and I can only imagine the guilt... I can only imagine how aweful the guilt would be knowing that you left your son at what 2??? and then never met your daughter? that would eat you up inside....

from his letters it seemed like Patrick was in fact.. a very sensitive person.. and maybe the person you knew wasn't... but I have my suspicions that was him trying to hide from the fact that he is so sensitive... but that's only my hypothesis... obviously you would know better than me...

anyways.. from my hypothesis.... life hasn't been all that great for your father.. and the guilt from leaving you.. and the guilt from leaving me.. and the guilt from never really accomplishing much in his life... must be pretty bad..

and so... in the end I ask you this... my mother died 9 years ago.. I understand that we are mortal more than you know... and so I ask you this favor... that the next time you talk to him.. that you tell him that I just recently found you.. and I asked you if you were Patrick's son... and that I asked you to pass a message on to him... you never have to tell him that we met 14 years ago, you never have to give him my information... just please pass this message on to him... and then he has a choice.

Dear Patrick,

I don't know who you are... or what you have done in your life.. what your dreams were, and what you regret... all I know is that its hard growing old with regrets... and I feel like you should know that I am fine. I have no resentment towards you in any way... I simply thank you for giving me life... I am happy, I have been so blessed with love... and I am thankful that I have had the life I have... and anything different would have changed who I became.. and I am pretty thankful for the person I have become... so thank you... for what ever role you played in that.... I just feel like you should go through the rest of your life not feeling guilty.... and if you ever want to talk to me... I am open to that... in fact, I would love that.. but if not.. I completely understand.. but to say thanks for the gift of life you gave me.. wanted to make sure you knew I didn't hate you...

if you do want to reach me, my phone number is ---- and my email is ----- and my written address is ----.. I should warn you that I don't pick up all the time.. and sometimes my mailbox is full... so please don't just try once if you don;t get a hold of me....

if you, however, for what ever reason don't feel like you want to get to know me, I send you love and light... and all the best.. and I will understand.

I hope that you are well, and that you are happy what ever you are doing.

much love.

your daughter,

A.

--- honestly, it's always been so difficult for me to tell you how I feel because I didn't want to put you into an awkward position.. I can only imagine how uncomfortable this whole thing has been for you... what meeting me must have been totally fucked up! you have been so kind to me... and again I am sorry that I have always held you at arms legth its just been hard because I haven't understood why you never told Patrick..

I have hypothesized why.. and the only logical explanation has been that you were trying to protect me from him.. and protect him from himeself.. but in the end... you can't save everyone..

I am sorry that I have seemed forceful in the past... I just didn't know what else to do..

I don;t want anything from Patrick... it would just be nice to know who he is before he dies as well.... cause well I know what that's like already.

so... if you could please pass along the note to him, I think that atleast you could do that.. and make him get older knowing that I am ok... and if you don't feel comfortable telling him you have known me for 17 years.. just give him the note and I will be ok telling him I only recently found you....

whatever you need.

,

I hope --- is well and you had a lovely holiday.

I am in love, doing really well in nursing school (85% avg) and super happy.

I hope you understand.

love always,

your sister,

A.

 

and then I waited

----

 

he responded and agreed to send the letter......

 

so I waited.

 

My brother told me that I shouldnt expect anything and that he probably wouldn't write...

 

and then I got a card.

 

It was a beatiful card with a painting on the front with orca whales....

 

this is what it said :

 

*********************

 

 

Feb. 1, 2012

 

Hi A.,

 

---forwarded me your wonderflly succinct, yet very informative letter.

 

It wold appear that I could be your biological father, especially if your mom told you so. I am sorry to hear of her death.

 

You seem to haev already accomplished some of yor goals, and seem well grounded, with a sense of direction. However other than satisfying a sense of  curiosity - which I can understand - I do not see how I can contribute to your well-being.

 

Guilt is a very relative and conditioned response and having been raised in a strongly Roman Catholic family I had more than enough. It is not an emotion I cater to. I live on a boat, which could indicate the desire to hae a moat around me. To me it is a lifestyle with a sense of freedom and enjoyment that I have not found elsewhere. I am reasonably comfortable in my own being, my accomplishments and lifestyle.

 

As you probably have understood already, my connection with family is rather tenuous. I have, most often, not lived up to the expectations and requirements of the family millieu. This has often lead to dissapointment, emotional distress and sometimes even bitterness. I try to stay away.

 

I se the phone sparingly, and although it is ubiquitous, I do not accomodate computer technology in my personal life other than as a navigational aid, so you hae to resort to snail mail. I promise to respond, however tradily I may be

 

go n-eiri an bhothar trat -( in gaelic)

 

patrick

 

****

 

The translation is "may the road rise to meet you" :)

 

So I wrote back.

 

**********************

 

Febrary 8, 2012

 

Dear Patrick,

 

I received you letter yesterday - what a beatiflly nice srprise. I had had a feeling over the past few days that there may be a letter and when I opened the mailbox to find your letter I felt a recognition that my intuition is beautiflly aligned with the world.

 

To be honest I was qite ervous - a letter from you is something I hae thought about from time to time over the entire course of my life. Always wondering what you would say.

 

Opening the letter - the card - and seeing the beautifl painting of the Orca whales, put my heart at ease. Orca whales are my favorite animal - I had a border in my room when I was a teenager of orcas jumping out of the water, a good memory I have of my mother and I putting it up and painting my room. So thank you for that.

 

You said in your letter you don't know how you can contribute to my well being - you alread hae. Yor honesty and subsequent vlnerability is more than I could have ever asked for. I feel like a part of me has come home.

 

The choices you have made in yor life have been yours to make, and I have spent much of my adult years attempting to embrace the life I have been given - we all have our journey - and our lessons - and only we know what's right for us.

 

I have had a lot of joy in my life and a lot of heartache. Mom's passing has been the defining contribution to my life - its difficlt being an only child to a single parent and have her leave - but I trly believe that she gave me everything she needed to and through her death she gave me freedom.

 

It's interesting to see how the expectations of family truly dictate the course of so many people's lives - and I do not have that - that freedom provides me with the space to listen to my heart without having things get in the way. Although I'm sure had my mom been alive she would have encouraged me to follow my heart it has made it easier.

 

Through her life I have learned so much, and through her death so much more. I am sitting at my dining room table with the sun streaming in the window on this page and I feel calm - these past few months I feel calmer and more at peace than ever before - I have a new sense of self worth - and as you said - grounding. I am trusting myself more these days - and to be honest, what a beautiful result of that internal growth.

 

From the letter your sent mom all those years ago and from the letter you sent me - I can imagine that you can understand that its difficult being different in this crazy world.

 

I have always felt misnderstood.

 

I can understand your love for the water and for living on a boat - living up to expectations when you just want to be free - a boat would be a pretty beatiful place to find that. I have always had a dream to learn how to sail. There is something ery special about being on the water - being at one with the earth.

 

Patrick - I have travelled the world - I have seen the most beautiful things - experienced the craziest things -I have felt incredibly lonely in my life - and yet I have always held hope in my life.

 

Your letter - and your willingnedd to correspond with me - is the greatest gift you could ever give me. I hae always been crious about who you are and the life you live - and if you are willing to share - well, that's all I really could ever ask for.

 

You have made me so happy.

 

I do have qestions - but I feel like when and if y ou are willing and ready to answer them, you will share.

 

Thank you again for writing back - and for the beautiful card.

I feel like somehow - across time and space we speak and listen to the same language.

 

much love

A.J.

 

om mani padme hum.

 

*********************

 

and I waited.

 

It was interesting waiting - I thought a thousand times I wanted to write him... everytime I talked to my brother he'd ask if I had received a letter - He told me every time he talked to Patrick he would bug him...

 

its interesting actually - Patrick also wrote him a letter.... and I think there was a small amount of healing that went on there... a little stressed relieved.

 

So I waited.... I will be honest... I am NOT a patient person... I want things NOW .. I mean look at me with T. I totally went retarded.... lol... I rush things.. and I sometimes forget to soak up the moments in between - the journey... but this time... I just waited... and every time I talked to my brother and he would express his frstration with Patrick... I would always reassure him and tell him it will all work out... he'll write back.... :)

 

and he did :)

 

this is the most recent letter...

 

I'm beaming :)

 

**************************

 

Dear A.,

 

My sincere apologies for not recognizing your 30th birthday, and for not writing you sooner. It seems procrastination is one of my stronger traits - one, I hope that you have not inherited. It is not that you have not been in my thoughts. you have - almost daily!

 

(are you kiddin me... do you know how this made me feel? that he acknowledged that I was actually his kid.... and that he thinks about me :) )

 

I was recently in the U.S. looking for our next boat, and thoght that I had found a suitable motor-sailer. Unfortunately it turned out not to be so. I thought it rather unusal to be looking at a sailboat after receiving your letter, in which you express your interest in learning to sail. We crrently have a power-boat, which I have pretty much completely rebuilt. It is a very comfortable home but we need a better sea-boat as we intend to do a lot more cruising when --- retires in a couple of years. The crrent one only has one berth and I would like to be able to have a cabin for a guest. Although we have looked at lots of boats, we have not found the right one yet. The search continues.

 

I have not called --- in months. Last time I spoke with him, he elicited a promise from me to write to you. Since I had not done so until now, I knew he woul be on my case (He and -- seem to hold you in high regard.

 

Re-reading yor letter as I write this brings up emotions that I cannot qite express. Emotions have never been very well developed in my life. I grew up with the philosophy that "big boys don't cry". Love, Joy, Closeness, Sadness, were not well received. Anger was allowed under certain circmstances, but I never did figure out exactly when. All very confusing.

 

The west coast, the water, boats, have enabled me to feel capable and self-sufficient in may ways, and of course gives me a feeling of having a "moat". For a long time, I never felt "good enough", but as I have aged and mellowed, learned new skills and lived on the water, I have accepted myself more.

 

I hope this finds you well and happy.

 

I look forward to hearing from you and promise not to leave it so long between correspondence.

 

Good thoughts from the west coast.

Patrick.

 

***********************

 

ha.

 

see when you follow your heart - you get what your heart desires.

 

I can't even begin to quite express what this all feels like... what this second letter means to me.. what I think about what he wrote... its overwhelming...

 

you know funny thing... the fact that when I got the first letter I didn't get crazy excited was when I started to really see how I was holding my feelings back..... it was maybe? a catalyst to me finally delving inside me and figuring out how I actually felt about things.... and letting myself finally feel the sorrow of my mom dying...

 

I'm not sure if I told you but over the past few years I noticed I was forgetting more and more from my childhood.... it got so bad that I realized that I barely remembered anything from before my mom died.

 

I realized that it was the fact that I was avoiding the memory of her dying that I was avoiding even thinking about her... and as a result I had forgotten my entire childhood.... and so I forced myself to feel her death.. recognize that I had experienced that kind of pain.... and srvived.... it was through that that I realized I am WAAAAAY stronger than I have ever given myself credit for... that by avoiding the feeling I stayed scared of everything... that I did it to cope - but walking through the pain - walking through the anguish ad recognizing that I am still alive allowed me to open up again.... and since I have started recognizing all the crazy things I have been through - seeing how strong I am .. how somehow everything works out- has been one of the main reasons I have come so far in the past year - my confidence has grown exponentially.

 

and now I remember much more of my childhood and memories are starting to flood back... its in avoiding thoughts that we box ourselves in - its in avoiding recognizing ourselves for how strong - how amazing we truly are - that keeps us scared..... we are all WAAAAYYYY stronger than any of us gievs ourselves credit for.... its accepting the past - recognizing it has forced us into wheerever we are to finally look back and have to accept in order to free ourselves from the limitations of avoiding looking back in our life - it keeps all th good memories at bay - we forget all the beautiful things that have happened in our lives because all we do is focus on the bad - because we do everything to avoid remembering that feeling...

 

I remember laying in my bed this summer and I walked myself through the night my mother died... I tried to recal the few weeks leading up to it... how I felt... what was going on... and I didn't just remember.. I forced myself to feel the emotions I had kept at bay dring that time.. just trying to survived as my mother died...

 

it was excruciating... I remembered her pressure ulcer that got so bad it was black and had tunneled into her back

 

I remembered changing her diapers

 

holding her hand listening to the song that was my lullaby on the record player

 

the last thing she ever said to me. "I love you baby"

 

to singing "leaving on a jet plane and I will remember you" to her - two songs I have avoided ever since.....or felt very sad around when I heard them

 

that's another thing I noticed - there was such sadness around her that I couldn't remember all the great things about her because it was easier - it was easier to avoid remembering her at all because I missed her so profoundly---

 

I'm not sure if I can possibly express what it is like for me - inside...

 

I am incredibly different.... I have in the past weeek started to realize that its my capacity for forgiveness, compassion and unconditional love.

 

I forgive people before they forgive themselves

I have compassion for every single living thing on this planet - I do not believe anyone is better than anyone else and that we are all on our own journey - fighting with our own demons - so I don't judge that anyone does things intentionally to hurt other people - they do it for their own benefit - yes - and they know they may be hurting others - but those people are hurting sooo much that they can't even let themselves feel - they are numb - so they are numb to others pain too... I recongize that everyone is inherantly good.... love...

 

So - you can see I am different - no one sees things like me.... and that has been really weird.

 

I have always felt weird.

 

like how can I actually be the only one? but it appears that out of every single person I have ever met.. I am the only one who has never kept a grudge. I just understand people - and no one understands me.

 

my mother understood me - because we were the same.

 

and she died.

 

the only person on the face of the planet who had the same kind of love I did... died.

 

and so I have felt unbelievably lost for the past 10-12 years.... and I haven't understood why ... until now. :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I want in a man - October 17, 2006

a lover - love, making love, romance
tall. handsome. generous. adventurer. nice smile. beautiful eyes. wants to get married. wants to have babies. motivated. kind. understanding. spontaneous. educated. travelled. has dreams. sharing. strong. active - can help motivate me to be more active. likes to cuddle. tells me I'm beautiful. loves to kiss. great lover. great partner. supportive. passionate. giver. wants to have home in country. likes the outdoors. loves camping. good family. good listener. likes wine. talkative. understands what spending time together means. fair. intoxicating. can cook. trustworthy. tells me he loves me EVERYDAY. understands me. wants to travel the world.

March 6, 2007
I think I just had a breakthrough about men talking to T. tonight. I think that I have a tendency to go for the jock, the smart jock even - but really that's not what I want and maybe its time to decide really what I want. Above all else - what is always missing in my life is love, loyalty, courage and passion - I want a man who isn't a challenge, who I can say homeopathy, naturopathy, home birth, things that are fundamental to who I am as a human being and not be slighted or questioned. I want a man who loves all of me - who cares about my strength, who is proud of me and who I can be proud of. A. you will not settle til you find this EVER.

Jan. 15, 2008

I want to let go of C.
Oh lord - please give me the strength to move on and let go of C.

'its not up to me anymore, if you want me in your life, your life, you'll find a way to put me there'

July 3, 2008

I don't want to fall for a guy just because he's male and give me attention. I want to have standards - I want to be able to say no - you are NOT for me - I deserve to have that - love - that you can't imagine life without me love.


a few pages later.. there are little check marks next to the things I know I am.

More of what I want it a man

athletic, world conscious, intelligent, university educated, world traveller, taller than 6', giver, romantic, successful, adventurous, spontaneous, blue eyes(this is crossed out and " '08" is written above it) healthy, polite, driven, understanding, helpful, can cry, affectionate, romantic, thoughtful, plans trips, planner, good father, loves movies, loves sports, good group of friends, loyal, spiritual, open minded, likes country music, positive, contributor, gardner, successful, musician, tolerant, loyal, respectful, patient

sings - if you could only see.

August 29, 2007

I cannot believe how much I've changed in the past year. I finally have a feeling that I know what I want. I know what I believe and no one will prevent me from accomplishing that. I stood p to F. - I know my mother wold have wanted my education paid for - and for the first time I put everything on the line - to get what I know is right. The greatest rewards in life come out of the greatest risks - I stand up for myself now. It's a great feeling.
A.

June 22, 2008

Wow, writing that date made me realize that its 6 years since mom's wedding and its the summer solstice.
It's interesting that I would pick up this journal today, and that I would decide that I needed to write in the spirituality section.
This year has been eye opening and revealing for me with regards to my own spirituality. After countless 'coincidences' like finding M. in Korea, running into A, having my cell phone found from that bar owner - I cannot deny that there is something more than me at work. Call it Karma, or god, or mum. But I am unequivocally convinced that life works out for a purpose. I believe right now it is in order to eventually rise to a higher consciousness that life is a series of lessons, we must learn these lessons before we may move to the next realm and that death is just a way of restarting the stop watch of growth.

I forget what I believe sometimes and constantly have to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life - and that every time I experience something I don't like - with men, or experience - once I remember I tell myself that it is just as it should be.

It's hard though sometimes to be betrayed or have a man not call, or change his attitude towards me, and be okay with it. Because of course my pride is hurt.

But when I do remember it brings me to a place where I realize that without Resistance, without attachment to something different than what is, the suffering and sadness disappear.

I want to get a new tattoo that says "just breathe, just believe, just be"

As a result of my new found beliefs I have been being called more and more into Buddhism. In fact, I just remembered this weekend of my mom's friend that lives in Kyoto - that perhaps I'll do a retreat there -

thinking about being around people that know my mother through the Dharma brings this peace to me - and this safety. I don't know why - I think its also pride. That I'm finally understanding much of what I couldn't as a child.

I want to go on retreat, in fact I've been thinking about perhaps staying in a temple or ashram in India for a while next year - learning more about Tibetan Buddhism. But - what ever I do, that where I am today, on the day my mother got married in Stewart Park, and I gave her away.
A.

- I just reread what I wrote in Sept '06, I'm not living a small life anymore! That make me proud.

*****

I am so proud of myself - of who I am and what I've accomplished in this life. I've been thinking a lot of what I want to do when I' done here in Korea and I feel that I need to write down some of my ideas so as to not forget them - many of these are just things I really want to do at one point.

- work on a tall ship
- live an learn from Tibetan monks
- live in central/South America
- travel South East Asia
-teach in Italy, Thailand or Latin America

WHAT I HAVE DONE
- climber Mt. Fuji/ lived in Japan for 1 year
- climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower
- lived in a farm - milked cows
- Gone on Safari - seen wild Elephants/Giraffes
- jumped off the gorge in Vic Falls
-Driven a Motorbike in Thailand
- Rode an Elephant in Thailand
- taught English in S. Korea
- lied in Banff - walked the Athabasca Ice Field
-Gone down hill skiing
- Seen the sun set and rise New Years Eve 2000 in Osaka, Japan.
- worked for an NGO in Africa
- played with bubbles on a beach in Korea
- had sex in the back of a car
- catered parties
- survived my love cheating on me
-survived my mom dying
- learned how to cross stitch
-learned French/Japanese
- Lived in the beached in Toronto
- sat on a roof top and watched the starts (L.)
-gone skinny dipping
- Climbed to the top of Dreamer's Rock (Manitoulin Island)
- Canoed and Kayaked
- Learned how to ride a horse
- danced at the ROM
- gone to a leadership conference
-gotten my University degree
- Gradated high school as an Ontario Scholar
- Worked in the financial district
- Experienced an earth quake (Japan and Zim)
-seen the cemeteries in Normandy
- Seen the ------ tapestry
- walked across the quick sand at Mt. St. Michel.

Children should know who you really are. September 24, 2006

The first page in a journal I just found :

To my unborn children,

I started this book a difficult time in my life. It is a time when I am looking at myself and my life. I am going through a period where I am facing loss in my life and it is very difficult for me. I write you now because I want to make sure you are given something that I was not. When I should die, because there will be a day, and you find this. I grant you permission to read any of my journals, look at any pictures and keep anything of mine you need. I want you to see me for who I am. My faults and my successes. My legacy is my life - know that your mother was just human and struggled as you do. No matter what happens to me, know that all I want is a family, that I love you even though I do not know you yet and that you are what keeps me going. I cannot speak of your father yet because I do not know him, but who ever he turns our to be, know that he must be a great man. I'm sorry I will not be here to guide you through my life - but I am here in spirit - loving you through it all. And if the unthinkable happens and you lose me at a young age, like my own mother - know that I have given you all the knowledge I can by having you. And you need to look only inside to know the answer - I am in your bones and blood - in your heart. I am you and you are me. Love always and forever. Mum.

Dear mum,

I miss yo so much - it hurts, its debilitating. I loe you so much. Life is so trying lately I just wish I had you to call. I miss your hugs - I miss your smile - your love. Since you died I have been scared of eerything. I worry. I livve a small life and I find it hard to be alone. I hide from myself - ALWAYS. I'm so lost without yo. I dont want to do this alone. I met a really nice guy. His name is.... - he has kind eyes. But I am scared. The second I a vlnerable with him I shut off. I cannot feel anything and hide in my head. Its hard for me to acknowledge that C. didn't want me and doesn't. I miss him - Its hard to let him go and move forward - he's safe - He's what distracted me from myself for so long- and still does. Realizing you are gone hurts - I think about you dying - holding your hand - the moment that defines me. You leaving me - defines the life I lead -

March 6, 2007

But I am a strong and better person for it - I LOVE YOU EVERYDAY for eternity -- I remember the night we sat on the front step and I looked up at Haley's comet and the stars and promised that if I forget everything, I would remember that night with you.. and I do.

A

you and yourself

I found this written May 16th, 1999.

You and Yourself

It is rewarding to find someone whom you like, but it essential to like yourself.
It is quickening to recognize someone as good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable.
It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect, admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.
For you cannot live in someone else.
You cannot find yourself in someone else.
Someone else cannot give you a life.
Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one, you will never leave nor lose.
To the question of your life, you are the only answer
To the problems of your life, you are the only solution.

- unknown author

Its so beautiful...

Starting to read this old journal I am able to start seeing how I have always been, what I have changed, what kind of person I was... its interesting.... what I have seen so far?

I ALWAYS see the best in people... I never see the bad...and literally don't believe the bad. I also saw that I was really busy... always doing something... and just figuring out how to get shit done.

The coolest thing I read though was that apparently a woodpecker hit my window and I ran downstairs...ok I'll write what I wrote

Thursday, May 6, 1999

And then there was today. You see yesterday I went to another day for Ananda's workshop in miracles, I manifested that 'I would meet someone profound, that would impact my life positively and someone I could relate to. "

This morning I heard a thump on my window and a squeal and I knew a bird had hit my window. I ran outside to find a woodpecker lying on the ground. I thought it's neck was broken, but I picked it up, held it in my hands and stroked it's little body, he sat p and then lay his head down. I put my hand out and he flapped his wings and flew around my shoulder, to land on my shoulder.

(as I'm reading this I'm thinking.. what the fuck? this happened to me? CRAZY!.. I actually am having a hard time believing it because I have no memory of this event.... )

I went told mom and different things happened until the bird flew away....I had met my someone...


As if I wrote that!

*****

So the weirdest things have been happening lately... honestly its scaring the shit out of me... and yet excites me.... I'm constantly being told that I have something to say that people should hear...

like really? how many people have people saying that to them? And how many people who do have it said to them maybe a handful of times in a month?

I scared fucking shitless right now....

I'm trying to keep it together.. my step dad had a stroke, a couple.. and is slurring his words and its terrifying, just finished my exams... been so worried about money... just.. well my normal life of SOOOO much stress lol... and then there's this part of me that sparkles even when my whole world feels like its crashing down all around me.

This year has taught me how to be calm in the face of calamity.

but it doesn't get rid of fear.... it just makes it more bearable.

This past week has been crazy intense for me. Really training myself in the art of accepting what life gives me and not struggling against it... but god its confusing... I think that's why all this chaos is happening and its getting closer and closer together.... cause I'm training myself to align with life... and that can only happen if I can train myself to be calm when I feel overwhelmed and depressed. To know I can step out of that... no matter how hard it is.. there it is.

The week ended with this weekend.

When I was driving back from Toronto on Friday I started thinking about T. As I do.... but this time I felt worried... it was weird... then I started a battle with myself.

my head and my heart going at it.
head: you are just trying to figure out ANOTHER way to talk to him
heart: maybe, but you have never in three months worried about him
head: you promised yourself that you wouldn't write him.. if you write him you are breaking that promise to yourself
heart: the rule served its purpose for the past three weeks... if there is one thing you know its that rules should be broken... if you listen to your heart... you know it'll never steer you wrong
head: if you write him he's going to keep thinking you are a crazy person
heart: he already does... but somewhere inside him he will appreciate the sentiment
head:you are just trying to come up with an excuse to be in communication with him... for god sakes A., you said goodbye!!!!!!!!! you are retarded.
heart: just trust that you haven't felt this way before... you do.. and so just write him and see... if he doesn't respond that's ok... just in case though... its important.... and if he thinks you are crazy for it... well so be it... he'll think you are crazy no matter what you do.


so I did... I wrote him a quick email... because I've deleted his number.. lol

it said "Hey im driving home from Toronto... Uou popped into my head.. But it was a feeling like worry. Are you ok?
Its just an odd feeling... Tge thought thay accompanied the feeling was something was wrong... More wrong than usual.
Just thought id check... Just in case you needed support"

I just hit send, and then when I got home I reread it and sent another that said

"Sorry about the spelling mistakes... Lol I know thats a pet peeve. I shouldnt have been texting while driving.
Just worried."

I was so nervous sending them because I know that he thinks that its weird... I think he pities me a little.. that I have feelings for him that he can't reciprocate and feels so bad about it he can't even talk to me... I think that maybe he doesn't write me because he's trying to protect me from myself and help me get over him. Like I'm a lustful teenager... not like these feelings are real.

But this feeling is so strong that I believe he is sooo much like me that there is a part of him that understands why I would send that message... because its something he feels sometimes.... so me having a feeling and asking about it isn't crazy...

The rest of my night kept getting more and more interesting... I spent three hours trying to convince myself to not go dancing... it was totally fucked.

For the first time in a week I finally started feeling myself again and totally in love with my life again and ended up calling a bunch of friends just to talk... I ACTUALLY got the courage to call my best friend who hasn't spoken to me since Thanksgiving... we ended up having a fight over whether I took her cigarettes...

she got SOOO mad at me over text and I was shocked... I asked her what this was really about and she couldn't tell me.... she just kept getting meaner and meaner.... I had spent the day with my friend Marc and found out his dad had cancer.. I went to my cousins and had him tell me about how hard it is with his mom having Alzheimers and then I went to my Uncles to have my cousin act like a bitch to me and have to smooth that shit over...

So I just couldn't take her shit and told her to leave me alone.

I ended up writing her an email about how we needed to sit down and talk about what was going on.... I forgot to mention this last bombardment of texts was one of many things that happened over the weekend of her being overly mad at me.

The last time we got into a fight and I sent her an email she got mad at me and told me to call.

I'm still scared to call because her husband screens her calls.

So I sent her an email.

and then I sent her another about me coming up and maybe we could go for coffee

and then I waited... until a month ago when I called her when my step dad had the heart attack and I didn't know how to handle it. She told me to sleep and eat... take my time. but was on the phone with me for maybe 3 minutes and when I asked if I could see her she made a bunch of excuses... so I left it. She hasn't called since... but I got up the courage to call on Friday night... her husband answered and I asked how he was... he said fine.. then I asked to speak to her and he said she is unavailable... I said D... Please let me speak to her... he said "no... good bye" and hung the phone up on me.

BRUTAL....

So I wrote this email to her:

"And that is why I don't call because D screens your calls and shuts me out so im not just having to figure out whats wrong but I have to feel even shittier than I already did.
I havent called you because I was scared to call you. I finally get the courage to call and now I feel like I was right not to call because exactly what I thought would happen did.
But my relationship is not with your husband... Its with you.
I was calling to make up.
I dont know what set you off that day... Because you dont talk to me anymore about whats really going on. Then you get mad and I have no context.
Im sorry for whatever I did.
when you are ready to get over this and talk to me. Im here always.
Love

......
So that hurt... but I guess we have been here so many times that I should be used to it by now.. but everytime it scares me that I am going to lose her for good... and I just get so sad... and want to fix it...even though I know I can't... I just have to let it play out.

*****

So then... I talked to an old friend of my mother's for 2 hours... it was awesome...

****
sorry just had to go dance... was getting a little overwhelmed.. lol.. I went into the bathroom and danced looking at myself in the mirror.. flabbergasted that through all the shit I've been through I have become this really great person and I am super proud of myself...I can't believe how closely I am following my heart these days and how things are really just becoming more beautiful... even the pain is becoming more bearable like a dance.... having faith like I will pass through this soon.

So ya....  the conversation with my mom's friend. It was soo interesting her take on my mother... she was saying that my mom was late for her wedding! and she was in charge of the flowers and so the flowers never arrived.. CAN YOU IMAGINE? lol... and I will confess breaking the habit of being late is one of the hardest habits to break.... when I was a kid... we were NEVER on time. I remember as a kid waiting outside the school for 2 hours after a dance waiting for my parents to pick me up. It was totally fucked... now that I am thinking about it.

anyways we talked about some interesting things.. I shared my perspective on why I think my mother died.... and how that has served me in my life....

****
hmm I wonder if this is a good place to share my analysis of my mother's death?
I think maybe it is...
I'll have to tie it in though..
***

Ok... so yesterday I was hanging out with my friend A. He's this super fucking cool guy from Jamaica who lived at both Jane and Finch and Driftwood... he's seen it all.. and he's seeing life for the truth that is... He's like me.

So he was saying that the biggest problem with people is that they are scared of death... and until they learn to accept it as a part of life they will all be scared.... and its only the people that accept their mortality that they realize they have a choice.... how to be in that life.

I completely agree.

and here is what I think of my mother's death

******

I think my mother got sick and died because she gave up on herself... she no longer had any more big goals.. she wanted for her whole life to get married....to be loved.... and she got it.

When I was 16 I was in Japan and my mother called me and asked me why she was on the planet. I remember thinking "what the fuck? you know I'm on the other side of the world right? you can't go be having a nervous breakdown on me when I'm on the other side of the freaking world." I was so mad at her.... what the fuck was she talking about? that's not for me to figure out! god! YOU SHOULD FREAKING KNOW!... I can't even tell yo how mad I was at her for burdening me with this ever so pertinent question... so my answer "to have me.... you are here to have me.... and I will change this world.. you'll see."

That's all I had.

I think she never found her path... and that her path was to have me... get married... her last wish I guess....

hmm.. writing this I am seeing the remarkable divinity in that.

I she got sick because she never dealt with her shit... and so she never found her path... and so she got sick and died...

But then on another level... I think she died because it was exactly what needed to happen for me to become this person... to be born to a woman who LOVED me more than anything in the world and encouraged me to be EXACTLY what I was.... and then, when I was at the point where I should go define myself... she died... sort of serendipitous eh?... talk about being pushed from the nest!

I can't even tell you what this life has been like for me.... 20 with no mother was INSANE.... and then have my whole family act soooo weird around me... and I was so fucked up I couldn't bear going near anyone... it was sooo painful to be loved by anyone because it reminded me of the love I lost... NO ONE'S LOVE WAS THAT GOOD... every one's love was microscopic to the love of my mother.. the people in my life were judgmental of me... and never thought I was doing the right thing for me...

but I knew they loved me... whoa I think I am figuring this out right now...

So... I pushed love away because their love seemed so fickle... but I had to come to realize that that was just their level of love.... and that I had to accept that I just loved more... and accept that I would get hurt... hmmm.. I don't think I ever realized that I would keep getting hurt.. I think I just hoped they would change.... and many times I would convince myself that I was being too sensitive or selfish when I would get hurt because I couldn't believe they would hurt me the way they did...

Mom's death forced me to believe in love above everything.. because towards the end of her life her and my relationship wasn't the greatest... not to mention her getting sick was the scariest thing in the world and I was broke so I wouldn't come home very often... anyways... turned out she didn't really write me in the will... she put her husband's kids in.. but not me. I honestly felt like a dagger went into my heart.. because her husband sort of gave that to me as evidence that my mom didn't WANT to take care of me... while he kept all the life insurance money and wouldn't let me move home when I was in an abusive relationship... It was totally FUCKED..

My life went from a loving family to everyone treating me like fucking shit... and I had to fight through that... and the major reason I did was when I was in Korea I caught myself convincing myself that no one loved me and I had no family.. and my heart whispered to me "yes you do"...

it was my friend T who changed everything for me. I met her in Toronto the year that I started this blog I think...

She saw who I was and came in like a freaking fairy god sister and loved me. Like my mom's kind of love. and when all that shit went down with surgery in Thailand and deciding to come home.. she was the only person I knew who would let me stay with her.. and get better. She loved me and I trusted her to love me and never be mean to me.

So through that.. I have started to learn how to love myself.... dedicated because I knew my mother died because she gave up on herself... I was dedicated to never giving up....

And now I am in nursing school with some of the most amazing friends in my life.... who truly love me... with random strangers telling me that what I have to say is important....

So.. I'll get back to Saturday night.... HOLY FUCK.. my train of thoughts are INSANE.. no wonder its hard for people to talk with me... I just GO... lol... ok, so back to Friday night

*******

So I fought with myself to go dancing for I swear 3 hours... I even got ready in this time..... but STILL for some reason I was trying to convince myself not to go...

tricky thing when you are listening to the head and heart its very confusing to figure out which is which.... its totally fucked.

My excuses?

that I was going to look stupid dancing by myself
what's wrong with me, I'm not going to find anyone to hang out with
that maybe I just wanted to sit at home at watch TV? (which was something I was thinking of doing)

then my heart kept saying

A., you go out ALL The time.. you ALWAYS meet people... YOU ALWAYS have fun.. and who the FUCK cares if yo don't find anyone to dance with.... WHY ARE YO SO SCARED?

and my response.... I'm scared of looking retarded. lol

so I told myself to get my shit together and just go... if I don't like it I can come home.... but if I want to go.. JUST GO.

Then I would be like.. "well you know I am tired, I went out last night.. I don't need to go out again... I Do just want to sit and watch tv and be cozy....

and then my heart would say.... "does dancing make you feel good?" "yes"
"if you had friends out would you go?" "yes"
"will you regret not going out if you stay here? because if its not good you can just come home"



This went on for literally 3 hours... not constantly, but between watching tv, talking to friends...

So it got really late and I had to make a decision ... I was still fighting with myself so I said ... you need smokes... just get ready.. go get smokes and then see if you want to keep going...

so I went out.

I felt better the second I left. I went out.

I parked the car downtown and walked up to one of the bars to say hi to this guy I met a few weeks ago... he was standing in the doorway and we hugged.. he told me he wanted to call me this week but he got a new phone and didn't have my number. So I texted him when I left....

I had this really weird feeling I was going to see T. I even checked the bar that he told he usually frequents.. and I NEVER go in there... so I went to the bar that I applied for a job at and went to last week with my friends and met all the staff..

***
so ya, I don't know if I told you... but I still haven't been able to find a job, so I got called in for an interview at this really cool bar and during the interview they stressed that they are a family and when people come in they have to be part of it.... so I decided to go in the week before and introduce myself to everyone.. and have them decide.. and talk to their boss about me.

and I think they all really liked me... I ended up hanging out with a bunch of regulars after the bar the week before... So I went back to the bar.. said hi to the bouncer... and then wen to line up... there was a line and after 10 minutes it didn't move I said fuck it...

So I went dancing... turned out the music wasn't all that great... fuck now that I am realizing it... I was totally keeping my eye out for T.... weird.. anyways I ran into some of the kids from my program who were trashed...

I danced for 15 minutes and decided to go back to the pub for the last 30 minutes... I walk in.. everyone remembers me...

and then I see him.It was totally fucked up.

I remember just telling myself to remain calm.. be myself and not be awkward... I kept looking over at him... how could he be right in front of me... how could I be at the bar where he is the day I write that email to him about being worried about him? how could this happen?

he was sitting with a girl at a table...

I ran into the people from last week who totally remembered me and loved me so started hanging out with me.... I kept looking over at T... as far as I could tell he didn't see me...

I saw another guy I had met some other time... and I looked over at T. and he looked up... I tilted my glass and smiled... he did too....

I went on with the night.. trying to figure out what the next thing I was supposed to do was... I was distracted but also present.. it was weird... the people I knew invited me back to their house... they all left and I was left with one of the guys finishing my beer... honestly... waiting to say something to T... anything.

I told the guy I was with that I was waiting to talk to T... that its the first time Im seeing him since we said goodbye and I was really nervous....

I waited for about 5 minutes hoping that people would leave around him, but at this point more people had come and he was surrounded and I told myself "well A. too bad, you're going to have to do this no matter what."

So I walked over to the table, around back and pt my hand on his back.. he was talking and I felt bad for interrupting... but I was so scared I had to do it then or I would lose the courage... so I pt my hand on his back.. he turned around and looked at me and smiled... god his fucking eyes kill me... and I said "I'm sorry for interrupting I just wanted to say hi and bye." I was warm and calm and smiled.... I just wanted to acknowledge his existence... and our history... and I wanted him to see me.... that I was really ok... he smiled and said "hi and bye." he had that perplexed look on his face that I guess he has when he is around me... I didn't know what to do next so I said "ok, well it was nice seeing you.. have a good night." I was so scared I don't even know what he said... grabbed my friends arm and walked out....

FUCK.. are you fucking kidding me I had to do that?

So we went to the party... and I ended up meeting this guy who is in his 40s and apparently has alot of friends around town and has come up from really fucked up shit. He ended up telling me that I am the smartest 30 year old he has ever met and he's met A LOT of people.. he said that he thinks I should be in public speaking... he said that I would be an amazing spokesperson for a company.. and I found myself saying "I will never represent anything other than myself" I want to say what I have to say and not change for anything, because it is in being myself that what I have to say has validity.

Only for the greater good I said... only for the greater good of humanity... he then asked me if I had any religious background that I knew all of the shit I know.. and I said nope.. just out of my own head...

he told me that he's never met anyone who speaks as quick as me about important things.. that I think faster than anyone he's ever met... I said I don't think.. I just speak.

He told me that he knows I will change the world...

I put on my facebook profile this week "I will change the world. just wait and see." and I had 9 people like it.. and two people comment and one of the comments said "strangely I believe you".

I'm going to change the world.. just by being me. its ridiculous.

****

So ya that was my Friday night... since then I have not been able to keep T out of my head... its insane... because I know in my heart there is NO way in hell he looked at me and didn't remember me... our conversations... who I am. and I looked DAMN hot that night... so I'm sure that also didn't help...

It is so fucking crazy to be in love with a man who doesn't want anything to do with me... and I have accepted that.

So I dance... and wait to learn the next lesson.. and have him learn his...

I don't know if I have confessed this yet... so I will here...

I realized that I have been telling myself for months and months that I am stupid for loving him... how could I have not learned my lesson yet and let go... etc.... but there he still remains in my heart...

so a couple of weeks ago I finally just told myself it was ok to love him.... I realized that by avoiding the feeling I was also avoiding everything that space reflected.... let me explain... its really abstract so I apologize for the lack of clarity... the person that T wants and deserves is everything I want to be... and by avoiding my feelings for him I was also avoiding the steps to become that person... so when I decided that it was ok to love him.. even from afar.. the woman that I wanted to become emerged.

I want to command my own presence... I want to be fit and athletic... I want to be organized.. I want to keep a clean house.. I want to still be able to go dancing and party.. but I want to wear clothes that are stylish but sexy... I want to have style. I want to know how to cook properly.. I have to quit smoking....

Its difficult to admit that you want to change.. and its not for him.. its for me.. but ironically it is in the same direction as him.. and if I don't just give in to this feeling I will always wonder what would have happened if I did....

who knows what will happen at the end.. I may even come to realize that he REALLY isn't the one... but I have to try and become this person first in order to see if he's standing there too....

because one other thing I have come to realize is that if he truly is my twin flame... he will be going through all this growth too... so when I get there... so will he... and if he's not I will have so much confidence that I will know its the right thing.... I had to decide that I was ok to fight for this.. to dream about this.. and try.. and fail... and if I fail it won't be a failure because it will actually be what I learned on the journey that is important.. and right now anything that will get me there is important... so I have to be willing to be wrong....but keep hope til I know for sure... something I have learned quite sufficiently over the course of my life.. to love people before they love themselves.

SO.... the fact that I saw him.. and had the courage to say hi.. touch him and not expect anything else was crazy.

you know I have never had to be in the same room with a man I love who broke my heart before. Every time I break up with someone we never run into each other ever again. So this was a whole new experience. And I am aware that I have to be completely at ease with seeing him in the future and not making him feel awkward... like he can date and go home with who ever he wants....

but I'll tell you... since seeing him I have absolutely no interest in sleeping with a stranger... maybe its cause I haven't been drunk... lol... but that night and even last night.. I think I could have... even just made out with a couple of guys.. and I have absolutely NO interest.

this love stuff is intense!

Today I have done nothing but clean my bathroom and eat a weed cookie.. dance in my kitchen, hang out with my cat... and write this... I've been writing for hours. lol.

alright I have to finish cleaning. get my shit in order for tomorrow.

****
well this is scary.. I'm going to share a true train of my thoughts. scary.
A.