At the gull - took the day of work. Really overwhelmed with leaving - have been anxious all day and having panick attacks. Thinking about the things I want to do befre I lave. Upset I won't have a home to come home t... Sad. Realized this week that CL is the only guy that I can behave like an idiot around and he'll still be around - still love im - mss im - know that I have to get over him. Talked to him last week and told him I needed to get over him - that I've spent the past 2 years hoping that he will turn around and loveme. Sad tht I'm not the girl that will crack him.
Confused about leaving - not knowing when I'll come home. pset that so mch of my stuf is in the barn - getting ruined. Sad I haven't visited mom's grav site or seen F in over a year. Realize I sabbotage myself with guys - I know sex - nothing else.
Worried about grandma's ring and mom's ring - worried about my pictures from when I was little - Japan etc.
Goin to miss my freds terribly. I reallymiss mom - hoping that I'll see and meet P (my biologicl father) - wan so much from life - not sure what next.
Growing spiritually - knowing I need to let go - realized this week hatI have a really hard time saying no to myself.
Confused - very confused. I kno that I am exactly where I need to be, but overwhelmed with it.
Ironic - that I always was worried about saying/doing something that would scareCL off - only to ealize now that he's the only guy that's still there. Loyal?
Worry about everyhing - especially what people think of me - especially when it comes to sex. Wish I had a partner - think too much - analyze too mch - can't spend time by mself - tried grounding myself during my panick attacks.
Need to move/sell my stuff. see my friends - tie off loose ends - get my visa - figure out how to pay my bills in Korea. get laptop - clothes - luggage. Feel inadequate.
Decided to go to Korea becase I have noreal roots here - at the same time overwhelmed by that truth.
Realzing having to parent myself.Not sure how - Too much thought. Way too much thought.
Wish sometimes life was simpler - but know if it was.. I would be bored.
Not sure wht to expect. Toomuch going on in my head.
Realize first time snce Banff that this change is all on my own - that no one has control but me. Africa - CL broke up wih me - Mom died - it's completely up to me to go - very weird.
Going because I WANT to and not knowing if I'm ready. Hope I am. Will I be able to handle being there? by myelf?
Excitbut have many other thigs to worry about.
Confused. Hopeful - still happy - and thankful that I CAN go anywhere.
Ungle G. said that mom was always about letting life take you wherever - maybe she really wanted this for me. Wanted to give me the freedom to do whatever I wanted.
Realization - that full body buzz I get when I'm sick - that I thought it may be a key to something geater - it comes really easily to me... i's my being - my doorwy beyond this world and when I feel this way it scares me - right now 'm feeling my inner body and it scares me because I'mnot in control - letting go is terrifying because I don't feel in control - maybe I am in contro - that its my ego that isn't - ad it's my ego that's scared - not me.
I'm reading Eckhart Tolle and its making me really think I am whole - being whole - being happy - right now it scares my ego - scares what I relate to as me.
Friday, February 08, 2013
January 9, 2008 - Eat Pray Love
So, considering I haven't written in forever I decided to journal - journal my thoughts and my revelations - not just the pain and suffering - and saw this journal half empty and it called to me to be used. Im in the process of reading a book called Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and every word she writes I find something about myself. Today I would like to start documenting my realizations
That I beat myself up constantly for who I am and what I do -as though I think I could be anyone else. That there's much to learn but I need to embrace and love everything about me, that I can become aware and responsible for what I say and do - but still follow with I love you and you are perfect.
That my not being out of love w CL is not the end of the world and to stop hating myself, but rather ask myself - is this right for you? Is this trully an expression of who you are - and that it will take time - and practice.
hat you have your own path abd on it you won't always find approval - but tha following your heart and your integriy will promote happiness - and ultimate respect.
You must follow your own heart. That you know that your forgiveness of CL and your love for him is ultimately loving yourself - but inside that letting him go is self-respect - and that above all else you must respect yourself.
That perhaps when you want a man or sex you shold ask yourself what this is REALLY about... and try to deal with it as opposed tostuffing it inside you - BUT - that when you choose that path to not hate yourself for doing it .
Only YOU know what you need.
You tell yourself this but never really embrace it. You will only find a man when you are doingwhat you love - and are up to something. SO LET GO and find someone - they will come - you are a light for someone - just TRUST in the devine. BUT be in action, allow yourself to be open Love yourself
If ever you are in doubt. Be silent - andask your mm for guidance - she will show you the way. How lucky you are to have someone in that place .. so close to you - for she can help you with some of the questions.. just love and respect her - but ultimately - ask yourself - listen to GOD within and accept the answers he/she gives you.
He is your father - she is your mother.. they will telyou but moreor - you know because they reside within you. You are god - you are love. You are everything
Just ask yourself.. and when you do.. you will find theaswers.
TRUST YOURSELF.
AJ
That I beat myself up constantly for who I am and what I do -as though I think I could be anyone else. That there's much to learn but I need to embrace and love everything about me, that I can become aware and responsible for what I say and do - but still follow with I love you and you are perfect.
That my not being out of love w CL is not the end of the world and to stop hating myself, but rather ask myself - is this right for you? Is this trully an expression of who you are - and that it will take time - and practice.
hat you have your own path abd on it you won't always find approval - but tha following your heart and your integriy will promote happiness - and ultimate respect.
You must follow your own heart. That you know that your forgiveness of CL and your love for him is ultimately loving yourself - but inside that letting him go is self-respect - and that above all else you must respect yourself.
That perhaps when you want a man or sex you shold ask yourself what this is REALLY about... and try to deal with it as opposed tostuffing it inside you - BUT - that when you choose that path to not hate yourself for doing it .
Only YOU know what you need.
You tell yourself this but never really embrace it. You will only find a man when you are doingwhat you love - and are up to something. SO LET GO and find someone - they will come - you are a light for someone - just TRUST in the devine. BUT be in action, allow yourself to be open Love yourself
If ever you are in doubt. Be silent - andask your mm for guidance - she will show you the way. How lucky you are to have someone in that place .. so close to you - for she can help you with some of the questions.. just love and respect her - but ultimately - ask yourself - listen to GOD within and accept the answers he/she gives you.
He is your father - she is your mother.. they will telyou but moreor - you know because they reside within you. You are god - you are love. You are everything
Just ask yourself.. and when you do.. you will find theaswers.
TRUST YOURSELF.
AJ
Thursday, February 07, 2013
when I realized I hated myself - May 13, 2006
It all boils down to self-hatred. When did you look to other people for acceptance.
What are the things you do to hurt yourself - or that demonstrate your lack of respect.
smoking
accessive drinking
accessive sex
not doing dishes
not cleaning my room
staying home when I say I'll meet someone.
Lavalife
no excercise - trying to skimp
not brushing my teeth
not having a shower everyday
snacking
not washing my hands all the time
What are the things you know show you love yourself?
passion about myself
get involved with things I love
pride for myself
wanting to be single
cleaning the dishes
doing laundry
cleaning/making the bed
excercising
shower everyday
brush teeth 2x a day
washing hands all the time
stop smoking
stop having sex/being promiscuous
eating healthy/regularly
sex- no rough sex
How did you feel when mom hit you? is that what made you feel unworthy -
deal with this before you are with someone who hits you to make you see your worth it and something is wrong - well that you need to deal
love you
read
run
laugh
What are the things you do to hurt yourself - or that demonstrate your lack of respect.
smoking
accessive drinking
accessive sex
not doing dishes
not cleaning my room
staying home when I say I'll meet someone.
Lavalife
no excercise - trying to skimp
not brushing my teeth
not having a shower everyday
snacking
not washing my hands all the time
What are the things you know show you love yourself?
passion about myself
get involved with things I love
pride for myself
wanting to be single
cleaning the dishes
doing laundry
cleaning/making the bed
excercising
shower everyday
brush teeth 2x a day
washing hands all the time
stop smoking
stop having sex/being promiscuous
eating healthy/regularly
sex- no rough sex
How did you feel when mom hit you? is that what made you feel unworthy -
deal with this before you are with someone who hits you to make you see your worth it and something is wrong - well that you need to deal
love you
read
run
laugh
April 4, 2006 - support from an adult
...The Gs arrived almost 2 weeks ago - they have been my saviours if youwill - they have listened - given advice - and taken me to places I needed to go mos - which has been the schools - I organized most of thir trip - set up a package for them - helped with off loading the truck and organizing boxes and then setting p packages to give to the teachers - So finaly after headaches - misdirection and confsion we set ot yesterday to visit 12 schools - everyone has brought a new smile to my face - schools that had once not had a single book - now have passing rates that have gone from 0 to 50%. They sing - and dance - and laugh - its trully why I am here - and it makes me sad that the last week I'm here - is the first time I have evperienced the real Zimbabwe - I jst hopetht perhaps my next adventure will bring with it more hands onexpriences - and that maybe one day I can create a project like the Gs - another thing that I have learned from themis how great a team a couple can be - and trully recognize the importamce of finding someone that is interested in the same things. They have travelled theorld and have given themselves wholly and together - I know that that is what I need and wan......
April 9, 2006
... Thursday night we left for the Falls - we stayed at a Lodge in Hwange that night - on our way into the park e saw giraffee - it was beautiful - - I can't believe how graceful - butit was night so we didn't take pics. Our lodge was pretty nice, the boys had cabins on stilts which was really cool. I ha my pwn lodge - I told CL and told him I wish he was there with me (on the message) it was a really romantic place - On Friday we got up at 5:30am for safari - we went for three hours and in the park we saw a herd of zebra- a couple crocs, ostrich, secretary birds - a tortoise - impala - other antelope - a kackel andlots of birds - no monkeys - no elephants - no giraffs. Then on our way out we ended up seeing a couple of families of babboons and two giraffe. They were magnificent about 15 meters from our vehicle - then after breakfast we hurried off to the falls we had missed canoeing - rafting had been cancelled - etc. So we ended up just eating lunch at the Kingdom then going to see the falls. They were so strong you could barely see anything - we ended up goingback to the hotel and had a drink - around 8 the lodge owner got a call and said that there were elephants in the neighbourhood - we left the lodge and could hear cracking down the road in the dark. The lodge manager grabbed his vehicle and when he turned the corner there were 3 huge bull elephants eating at the end of the street. ... the next morning we got up went down to town and Dan and I made a crazy decision to do the gorge swing - I cannot beleveI did it - a 70 meter free fall - very few thoughts happened - one second the guy was counting and then - there I was at the bottom of the gorge - it was stunning down there - unbelievable - so that was esentially my trip......
....M said something really moving before he left - he said "you know how we've been fighting for the kids? Now you need to go home and fight for yourself cause no one is fighting for yo - a truth I think thats hard to believe...
AJ
April 9, 2006
... Thursday night we left for the Falls - we stayed at a Lodge in Hwange that night - on our way into the park e saw giraffee - it was beautiful - - I can't believe how graceful - butit was night so we didn't take pics. Our lodge was pretty nice, the boys had cabins on stilts which was really cool. I ha my pwn lodge - I told CL and told him I wish he was there with me (on the message) it was a really romantic place - On Friday we got up at 5:30am for safari - we went for three hours and in the park we saw a herd of zebra- a couple crocs, ostrich, secretary birds - a tortoise - impala - other antelope - a kackel andlots of birds - no monkeys - no elephants - no giraffs. Then on our way out we ended up seeing a couple of families of babboons and two giraffe. They were magnificent about 15 meters from our vehicle - then after breakfast we hurried off to the falls we had missed canoeing - rafting had been cancelled - etc. So we ended up just eating lunch at the Kingdom then going to see the falls. They were so strong you could barely see anything - we ended up goingback to the hotel and had a drink - around 8 the lodge owner got a call and said that there were elephants in the neighbourhood - we left the lodge and could hear cracking down the road in the dark. The lodge manager grabbed his vehicle and when he turned the corner there were 3 huge bull elephants eating at the end of the street. ... the next morning we got up went down to town and Dan and I made a crazy decision to do the gorge swing - I cannot beleveI did it - a 70 meter free fall - very few thoughts happened - one second the guy was counting and then - there I was at the bottom of the gorge - it was stunning down there - unbelievable - so that was esentially my trip......
....M said something really moving before he left - he said "you know how we've been fighting for the kids? Now you need to go home and fight for yourself cause no one is fighting for yo - a truth I think thats hard to believe...
AJ
the first time I realized my brain told me something different from reality - March 19, 2006 (Zimbabwe) -
Well today I had a conversation with D that was very revealing in many ways, it was what I needed although now a lot has been lost in the day - alot still remains. For certain he told me that I talk a lot about CL, FH and my mother - and that it dismisses a lot of what people are saying. Also it closes the conversation and possibility. We also talked about how being vulnerable is the awkward moments in life and not necessarily those things you think you are vulnerable in. We also talked about how I always want to find the solutions to things - but the solutions take time - and if suurgery were performed right now on development - without the knowledge of how to support the system - people- the system will die.
Finally - we aso talke about the idea that the world is conspiring for you. A concept I had never put into words - or maybe even thought of. Howeverin oder to use you guides - you have to know where you want to go. - this concept makes a lot of sense - however where I think about it most is with CL.
We talked the othr night - more open and honestly than since we broke up - inside him telling me how much he wants to sleep with me - a couple of things were said - first I asked if he thought I was hot - yes he replied - I asked him why he had never told me - that it would have been niceto know and easier - he responded by elling me that he didn't want to be blamed for my insecurities - I wasn't - but told him how convinced I was tat he didn't find me attractive - whether he said it or not - I heard him saying - of I was - and am - I was with you! - something that would seem obvous to everyone but me - that he was with me - and found me attractive.
Another tings was doing things that would have ensured a better sex life - they were as crazy as him coming home and me being naked waiting - even though I convince myself today that I tried - the honest answer is I can hear myself worrying about bothering him - making a fool of myself - not getting what I wanted - being a burden or imposing - something I find I do everything to avod here too - but it was interesting to hear similar things inside both of these conversations. Finally I had asked C. L. whe he wanted so badly to break up with me - he said because he wanted to be alone and single. thinking it was about me was being full of myself. Although I was hrt that he said that - and I said that he was selfish cause whether or not he liked it - his decision impacted me - cause - I was there too - BUT..I did hear his answer - and although he had said it before - I got that it REALLY isn't about me - I asked him if he could see us getting back together - he said he didn't think so - why - he didn't say - I would like to know sometime - but nonetheless it was interesting and revea ling - that everything isn't awayls about me - and I conduct life like it is - and hurt a lot because of it - can you imagine having the knowledge to have known that CL was attracted to me the whole time and never second guessing myself.
And F - I know none of this stuff is about me - but its still hard in a weird way that it isn't. However - I suppose there is some peace in knowing that it isn't about me - and maybe focusing on issues that more effect me - I know I crave drama - but maybe its good to start looking at my life in a less dramatic way being more confident and progressive And - maybe going into my next relationship without drama that he doesn't like me - the whole time - Can you imagine? I was convinced - and still find my brain trying to convince myself that he didn't like me - even though he was withme - a very weird notion. Maybe I can find my peace in that.
AJ
Finally - we aso talke about the idea that the world is conspiring for you. A concept I had never put into words - or maybe even thought of. Howeverin oder to use you guides - you have to know where you want to go. - this concept makes a lot of sense - however where I think about it most is with CL.
We talked the othr night - more open and honestly than since we broke up - inside him telling me how much he wants to sleep with me - a couple of things were said - first I asked if he thought I was hot - yes he replied - I asked him why he had never told me - that it would have been niceto know and easier - he responded by elling me that he didn't want to be blamed for my insecurities - I wasn't - but told him how convinced I was tat he didn't find me attractive - whether he said it or not - I heard him saying - of I was - and am - I was with you! - something that would seem obvous to everyone but me - that he was with me - and found me attractive.
Another tings was doing things that would have ensured a better sex life - they were as crazy as him coming home and me being naked waiting - even though I convince myself today that I tried - the honest answer is I can hear myself worrying about bothering him - making a fool of myself - not getting what I wanted - being a burden or imposing - something I find I do everything to avod here too - but it was interesting to hear similar things inside both of these conversations. Finally I had asked C. L. whe he wanted so badly to break up with me - he said because he wanted to be alone and single. thinking it was about me was being full of myself. Although I was hrt that he said that - and I said that he was selfish cause whether or not he liked it - his decision impacted me - cause - I was there too - BUT..I did hear his answer - and although he had said it before - I got that it REALLY isn't about me - I asked him if he could see us getting back together - he said he didn't think so - why - he didn't say - I would like to know sometime - but nonetheless it was interesting and revea ling - that everything isn't awayls about me - and I conduct life like it is - and hurt a lot because of it - can you imagine having the knowledge to have known that CL was attracted to me the whole time and never second guessing myself.
And F - I know none of this stuff is about me - but its still hard in a weird way that it isn't. However - I suppose there is some peace in knowing that it isn't about me - and maybe focusing on issues that more effect me - I know I crave drama - but maybe its good to start looking at my life in a less dramatic way being more confident and progressive And - maybe going into my next relationship without drama that he doesn't like me - the whole time - Can you imagine? I was convinced - and still find my brain trying to convince myself that he didn't like me - even though he was withme - a very weird notion. Maybe I can find my peace in that.
AJ
msgs from friend before Zimbabwe
A.,
It was a pleasure to know you. I have to say you're one of the kindest most real, most beautiful people I've met. You need to take care of yourself though. Iknow you're going to have a blast and really shine over in sunny Zimbabwe. Who knows, maybe you'll catch a sligh jungle fever? I'll be sure to check in with your blog often because I'm very interested in your endeavors. Just remember to "keep it real" and "take care of you"
please keep intouch
S.
********************************
Well, I resent not being the FIRST to write in your journal, but I'll forgive you :)
A., I've told you before and I'll tell you again - I'm so proud of you. You are an incredibly strong, boldly powerful, beatiful, giving and inspiring woman. It excites me to know that you will inevitaby blossom more... WOW!
Have a fantastical adventure sweetheart.... tak pictres (!), be SAFE, spread the light and love wherever you venture, and stay strong and healthy and l trust your instincts - you'll conquer all obstacles you face, no doubt about it!
See you on the other side, l love you!
K.
:)
January 18, 2006
January 18, 2005
I know its an odd day to begin a new journal. No significance no new year... not even then end of another journal, as I have so many unfinnished laying around. No, today I put C. on a plane to Moncton, for one week. It seems sort of silly that not seeing him for a week would upset me, I guess that's change. It's incredible how much one's life can change in a year....or two. Even a moment without him fills me with heart ache. I race home after school and work just to see him smile. Sometimes I wish we could just become one body and then I wouldn't ever have to spend a minute apart from him. It's weird, I don't have a bed time without him around. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch even though I know I'm tired and he's going to be a while on the computer. I just can't bear to fall asleep without him next to me. Even when I'm frustrated o mad with him, I'd pick laying next to him with our backs to eachother,than laying anywhere else.
Sometimes, though it bothers me that I can't talk to him about my mom...It's not that he doesn't listen, is that I feel silly, or that he doesn't care. Sometimes I feel so sad, but don't feel like I should tell anyone. Most of the time I'm fine. I barely think about it, but sometimes it ctches me off guard, it seems surreal. I don't think my body can competely capacitate that I have't heard her voie in almost a year and a half. I just wish sometimes that I could have a mom hug. She was the best hugger.
It's so bizarre that my life really divided on the day she died. There was the 2 months in between her death and the birth of the relationship with CL, but I trully feel like I have a completely different life. It's amazing how much you can change and what love does to you.
Somtimes I think that I would give up all my dreams to travel and explore the world, just to have a family and CL beside me forever. Hemakes me laugh....sometimes 'til my tummy hurts.
Do you think mom can tell how much I love him? Do you think she knows how much I love her? or miss her?
Do you think C. knows the depth of my love for him? I sometimes think he doesn't let it in. I hope he knows how much he is worth and how much I would give for his eternal affection. I think about my life, think about the drinking and sex, how many women play the scene well into their late 20's or early 30s, maybe I'm an old soul, like so many have said. I'm searching for something bigger than this.
I think I'm crazy to want a family at my age, bt then I think my mom mst hve been crazy and felt so inadequate, scared and alone, but she did it!
So, right now I am laying in bed, with an emptiness in the space beside me. I invited Max (the dog) and Woodley (the cat) to sleep wih me for comfort. Funny how a year and a half ago I went to the bar ad woke up beside whomever the next morning. Sometimes no one, with a faint memory of the night before. Now there is no part of me that won't wake up tomorrow hoping that CL is miraculously beside me.
Anyways. I don't want to seem crazy, just in love.
AJ
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
The shift to self care
Today was really interesting. I felt tangential this morning, and I ended up sitting in the parking lot at school for an hour and a half.. and just couldn't go in. I was feeling overwhelmed and sad.
I have realized that I have tis amazing foundation of love and nutrition from my mother.. that she truly was the smartest most interesting person I have ever met.. but through moving to my step dads place, her being misunderstood my whole life and her subsequent death.. I have been angry and confused about who she was and who I am.
I feel like my taking care of myself has correlated with my accepting her, and myself fully.
I received some money, finally,this week... and today I found myself looking up vegetarian recipes and going back to hot yoga. I feel like my lack of taking care of myself has been that the way I know how to take care of myself has been so controversial over the years that I have spressed myknowledge... and finally the world isn't so scared of that knowledge anymore.. and I need to embrace it.
I think, ultimately... its been this whole thing with Q and T. I think that meeting two of the loveliest men I have ever met in my life.. and have them be at points in their life where they like me... but are unable to give me any love or care has stripped me down and made me feel like it isn't my fault anymore...
Its weird.. its almost like I don't care about attracting any other men.. because if they are fucked up... then there's no hope in meeting anyone who isn't.
Its not a conscious effort.. its just as though my inner radar has shifted away from men... to myself.. which ultimately is probably the whole point of the universe giving me these men.... to teach me to focus on myself.
I have a goal of losing 2 lbs by summer... for the first time in my life I want to be able to put on a bikini and be proud of my body...
I made a vegetarian sheppards pie tonight... folded my laundry and did the dishes. I am supr proud of myself today.... quiet is coming over me. Satisfaction with the little things... here's to hoping it sticks :)
I have realized that I have tis amazing foundation of love and nutrition from my mother.. that she truly was the smartest most interesting person I have ever met.. but through moving to my step dads place, her being misunderstood my whole life and her subsequent death.. I have been angry and confused about who she was and who I am.
I feel like my taking care of myself has correlated with my accepting her, and myself fully.
I received some money, finally,this week... and today I found myself looking up vegetarian recipes and going back to hot yoga. I feel like my lack of taking care of myself has been that the way I know how to take care of myself has been so controversial over the years that I have spressed myknowledge... and finally the world isn't so scared of that knowledge anymore.. and I need to embrace it.
I think, ultimately... its been this whole thing with Q and T. I think that meeting two of the loveliest men I have ever met in my life.. and have them be at points in their life where they like me... but are unable to give me any love or care has stripped me down and made me feel like it isn't my fault anymore...
Its weird.. its almost like I don't care about attracting any other men.. because if they are fucked up... then there's no hope in meeting anyone who isn't.
Its not a conscious effort.. its just as though my inner radar has shifted away from men... to myself.. which ultimately is probably the whole point of the universe giving me these men.... to teach me to focus on myself.
I have a goal of losing 2 lbs by summer... for the first time in my life I want to be able to put on a bikini and be proud of my body...
I made a vegetarian sheppards pie tonight... folded my laundry and did the dishes. I am supr proud of myself today.... quiet is coming over me. Satisfaction with the little things... here's to hoping it sticks :)
When can you speak your truth?
Its a question I have been silently searching for for my whole life.. when is it safe to be myself? When is it safe to speak my truth?
I grew up with a mother who was incredibly intuitive and intelligent 50 years ahead of her time.
The things we are speaking about right now as a collective ... I was learning about as a child.
#1 we are one
#2 god is love
#3 when you have emotions let them out... if you don't they will eat away at you
#4 touch is essential for the soul
#5 love everyone... even the ones that hurt you
#6 believe anything is possible... even when the circumstances say they aren't
#7 dance
#8 play music
#9 be who ever you are
#10 follow your dreams
I learned these values from my mother.... I have been trying to figure out how I got all screwed up.... if my mom was so loving and encouraging towards me... and what happened is she couldn't be herself.
I watched throughout my life how my mother was constantly misunderstood, judged, rediculed, hated..... I heard it from family members, from friends, from parents of friends.... and I got scared.
I got really scared that the world was not safe for peple like my mother... and subsequently I internalized that the world was not safe for me.
I have been exponentially hurt by everyone I have ever deeply loved as a child... except for the two girl friends I have, whose mothers were as "crazy" as my own.
so.... in order to survive I have played the game... I have played along with everyone's rules for my life... in order to make sure I have a roof over my head, food, an education..... I have played by the rules...
and the rules are subtle... people give you rules by telling you not to cry and getting mad if you do... by not wanting to listen to what you have to say... or worse.. humiliating you for saying something they don't agree with.... by avoiding you when they hurt you..... people teach you how to treat them... and sbsequently yourself... and it goes on silently... and no one is aware... until I woke up.
I am in the midst of it.. of coming to comeplete clarity... its scary... but it has to happen.
So when does someone speak their truth?
WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.
Through suffering. Through seeing the other side of life..... through recognizing that something has to change... and that the fight for that is worth more than perpetuating the bullshit.
I have not cared for myself for a very long time... I feel like this blog is a complete testement to that suffering... to the pain I received from others.. and the subsequent pain I inflicted on myself.
I believe in people.. I root for their very core... but I do it without wanting to hurt them...
I made a promise to myself after my mom died... that I would never compare my own suffering to another... and that no one can understand the gravity of the pain I have experienced until they too have been through it... so their worst day would still feel like their worst day... even if its that their dog died.... that that pain to them, is as painful as losing my own mother.
It was a good resolve for the subsequent experiment ofmy life... where I then lived a life full of compassion.... but I believe that in making that choice I didn't respect the degree to which I was hurt.
Now... I'm starting to see who I really am... and in order t do that I've had to really look at my life and the people in it... and evaluate them.....and our relationships.
My pain allowed me to see how broken people are... and how easy it is to be broken... that when I didn't deal with the loss of my mother... when I was scared to be myself.... I hurt myself... I lost faith in life... in love... I judged and was annoyed by my mother... and so I subsequently judged and was annoyed with myself....
being able to finally allow myself to accept the pain... I can look at her as a person.... and all the things she taught me.. and all the things she was bad at.... and recognize that everyone ELSE was WRONG about my mother...
and they are wrong about me.
So when do you speak your truth? when your truth is more valuable than the lie. When I realize that I ca't live being afraid to piss people off. I can't be afraid to be controversial.... I just have to do it from love... from speaking to the inner beauty in all people... to let them know who they really are.
The truth is bubbling up inside me..... the truth I have been hiding. ME.
I am no longer willing to put up with people who are mean to me. and I am not going to stay quiet about why.... I will never be deleberately mean.. and I will speak from my heart... with no judgement.. simply the truth.
You made me feel like I was the left over garbage. You never considered how I might be feeling. Yo have never once, in 12 years called me, you got mad at me everytime I did anything wrong....
you rediculed my mother and told lies about her... you didn't support her when she needed you.... you didn't appreciate her properly.
you got frstrated at me when I didn' come home when mom was sick, but you never offered me money to pay the rent... even though you knew that I couldn't afford to come home.. and you had money in the bank.
On the night my mother died you had a tantrum.. and instead of worrying about my mother.. I was worrying about whether or not you would feel guilty for the rest of your life.
You stole that money from me... my mother trusted you to take care of me...and you didn't... she would be ashamed of you....
You took my heart and didn' give a shit about how I felt.
You broke my heart.
You hurt me.... when you...
ignored me...
didn't offer to help me out when I didn't have a job and couldn't find one and couldn't pay rent
you supported J when he wrote the meanest letter to me ever.
instead of offering me money when I am struggling this semester.... you suggested I drop out of school.
you didn't value me
all you cared about was what you got out of it... not me as a human being.
that's my truth so far... now I just have to find the courage... through remembering all the trauma I have been through and that I am still alive.... I can handle anything.
I grew up with a mother who was incredibly intuitive and intelligent 50 years ahead of her time.
The things we are speaking about right now as a collective ... I was learning about as a child.
#1 we are one
#2 god is love
#3 when you have emotions let them out... if you don't they will eat away at you
#4 touch is essential for the soul
#5 love everyone... even the ones that hurt you
#6 believe anything is possible... even when the circumstances say they aren't
#7 dance
#8 play music
#9 be who ever you are
#10 follow your dreams
I learned these values from my mother.... I have been trying to figure out how I got all screwed up.... if my mom was so loving and encouraging towards me... and what happened is she couldn't be herself.
I watched throughout my life how my mother was constantly misunderstood, judged, rediculed, hated..... I heard it from family members, from friends, from parents of friends.... and I got scared.
I got really scared that the world was not safe for peple like my mother... and subsequently I internalized that the world was not safe for me.
I have been exponentially hurt by everyone I have ever deeply loved as a child... except for the two girl friends I have, whose mothers were as "crazy" as my own.
so.... in order to survive I have played the game... I have played along with everyone's rules for my life... in order to make sure I have a roof over my head, food, an education..... I have played by the rules...
and the rules are subtle... people give you rules by telling you not to cry and getting mad if you do... by not wanting to listen to what you have to say... or worse.. humiliating you for saying something they don't agree with.... by avoiding you when they hurt you..... people teach you how to treat them... and sbsequently yourself... and it goes on silently... and no one is aware... until I woke up.
I am in the midst of it.. of coming to comeplete clarity... its scary... but it has to happen.
So when does someone speak their truth?
WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.
Through suffering. Through seeing the other side of life..... through recognizing that something has to change... and that the fight for that is worth more than perpetuating the bullshit.
I have not cared for myself for a very long time... I feel like this blog is a complete testement to that suffering... to the pain I received from others.. and the subsequent pain I inflicted on myself.
I believe in people.. I root for their very core... but I do it without wanting to hurt them...
I made a promise to myself after my mom died... that I would never compare my own suffering to another... and that no one can understand the gravity of the pain I have experienced until they too have been through it... so their worst day would still feel like their worst day... even if its that their dog died.... that that pain to them, is as painful as losing my own mother.
It was a good resolve for the subsequent experiment ofmy life... where I then lived a life full of compassion.... but I believe that in making that choice I didn't respect the degree to which I was hurt.
Now... I'm starting to see who I really am... and in order t do that I've had to really look at my life and the people in it... and evaluate them.....and our relationships.
My pain allowed me to see how broken people are... and how easy it is to be broken... that when I didn't deal with the loss of my mother... when I was scared to be myself.... I hurt myself... I lost faith in life... in love... I judged and was annoyed by my mother... and so I subsequently judged and was annoyed with myself....
being able to finally allow myself to accept the pain... I can look at her as a person.... and all the things she taught me.. and all the things she was bad at.... and recognize that everyone ELSE was WRONG about my mother...
and they are wrong about me.
So when do you speak your truth? when your truth is more valuable than the lie. When I realize that I ca't live being afraid to piss people off. I can't be afraid to be controversial.... I just have to do it from love... from speaking to the inner beauty in all people... to let them know who they really are.
The truth is bubbling up inside me..... the truth I have been hiding. ME.
I am no longer willing to put up with people who are mean to me. and I am not going to stay quiet about why.... I will never be deleberately mean.. and I will speak from my heart... with no judgement.. simply the truth.
You made me feel like I was the left over garbage. You never considered how I might be feeling. Yo have never once, in 12 years called me, you got mad at me everytime I did anything wrong....
you rediculed my mother and told lies about her... you didn't support her when she needed you.... you didn't appreciate her properly.
you got frstrated at me when I didn' come home when mom was sick, but you never offered me money to pay the rent... even though you knew that I couldn't afford to come home.. and you had money in the bank.
On the night my mother died you had a tantrum.. and instead of worrying about my mother.. I was worrying about whether or not you would feel guilty for the rest of your life.
You stole that money from me... my mother trusted you to take care of me...and you didn't... she would be ashamed of you....
You took my heart and didn' give a shit about how I felt.
You broke my heart.
You hurt me.... when you...
ignored me...
didn't offer to help me out when I didn't have a job and couldn't find one and couldn't pay rent
you supported J when he wrote the meanest letter to me ever.
instead of offering me money when I am struggling this semester.... you suggested I drop out of school.
you didn't value me
all you cared about was what you got out of it... not me as a human being.
that's my truth so far... now I just have to find the courage... through remembering all the trauma I have been through and that I am still alive.... I can handle anything.
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
How do you get to happiness?
So.. I've just spent the past 3 days in this space of confusion.. and now all these thoughts are pouring out of me.... so this maybe all over the place but I have to get them out...
yesterday I was walking down the drive way and thinking about what I am most excited for when I have a little extra money... because for the past two months I have had only enough for rent, gas and food....
my answers?
david's tea .... I have 4 flavors from them that I absolutely love and when I have a little extra money I splurge on tea.... tea is comforting. read my lips, love potion #7 ,jessie's tea and mother's little helper.... they sooth my heart...
organic vegetables....I just feel better when I have organic veggies around... especially because I like to juice
yoga - I started doing hot yoga in the fall and it made me feel better about myself
healthy soap, so shampoo and conditioner that is free of parabens and is friendly to the evironmnent; dish soap and laundry detergent that is biodegradable and isn't tested on animals.
gluten free bread - its so expensive but delicious
anything organic - anything that I eat, I feel better when I eat organic things...
What I am most looking forward to having/doing/buying when I have money?
A kayak and a canoe
A tent and camping equipment
A really good camera
new clothes that fit
cute underwear
get a tattoo
make my own wine
having proper winter clothes
having a good computer
having environmentally friendly makeup
TRAVEL - I need to get on the road again... feel the earth and the world... meet new people... try new foods - its when I feel most alive
Fulfilling my bucket list
**************************
My bucket list
learning the guitar
learning how to can my own produce
learning how to garden
learning how to turn over in a kayak
kayaking down the west coast of canada
sailing around the world
setting foot in every country in the world
learning spanish
learning italian
learning tibetan
learning sanscrit
public speaking
getting the nobel peace prize
building my own house
the gibbon experence in Laos
seeing the pyramids
swimming with dolphins
seeing the pyramids in as many countries as possible
going to a secluded waterfall with a large pool with a man I love
seeing base camp everest
learning yoga in India
visiting Dharamsala
visiting the salt flats - bolivia
visiting the gorges in Norway
going on a wine/food tour of Italy
running my hands along prayer wheels in Nepal
learning to surf
learning to rock climb
learning to sew costumes
owning a trampoline
having a swimming pool so I can swim laps
writing a book
owning a potters wheel and making my own plates
learning how to paint
soooooo... if that's what makes me happy... if those are the things I wantin my life... then what makes up happiness?
I asked myself why do I have to be poor? or what has being poor given me?
I now know what I want... I know what makes me excited to have when I don't have.
I know what I really want because I dream about it all the time. Poverty has shown me what I value most. A roof over my head, food, gas in my car, and my education. Close friends. clothes without holes. being able to go for sushi dinner once in a while. being able to buy people gifts - I'll be honest.. this is the hardest thing about poverty... not being able to give the people I love special gifts from me.
So what is happiness?
Happines is free from worry
free of concerns
free of stress
free of feeling empty
free of feeling lonely
free of anger
free of hatred
free of longing
free of missing
free of sadness
free of hunger
free of insecurity
free of judgement
free of guilt
free of shame
access to nature
time to spend with the people we love
freedom
Happiness is not a destination... happiness is inside of us when we remove all the negatives.
Imagine if we lived in a world that was not concerned with profits or money in anyway?
Imagine when you went to the hospital you got the best care for you... not the most efficient.. but the best care?
Imagine when you went to the super market you got the healthiest food?
Imagine you got the most environmentally friendly clothes?
Imagine your kids were taken care of when you needed them to be?
Imagine you got to travel when you wanted?
Imagine you got to fulfill your own bucket list?
Imagine or government consisted of a person from every demographic? Imagine our government was in fact the heads of all the NGOs in Canada? Or atleast the largest ones? All the organizations that had the country's true best interests at heart?
Imagine how much it would free up people if they didn't have to worry about school debt, a home or food? Imagine every person was given enough money to go back to school and learn anything they wanted?
there's a good question?
If you had enough time and money to go back to school for anything... what would it be?... just to see?
I have this idea of making a website where it asks a question and uses your camera to record your answers....just a huge compilation of answers from around the world
Some of the questions I would ask
well I guess 1. would be if you had enough time and money and making money after wasn't a concern... what would you go to school for?
Whats on your busket list?
What do you think happens when you die?
I want to ask the oldest, healthiest people in the world their philosophy on life and what they think has allowed them to be healthy for so long
What are the top 3 most important things you have learned in your life?
What are the consistant patterns in your life?
What is the most beautiful place you have ever been?
If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
What are your top 3 pieces of advice to anyone?
What is the order you dry yourself off when you get out of the shower?
What is your go to favorite food?
How do you eat your oreo cookie?
When you are in a hospital what are the things you are most concerned with?
What hurt you the most in your life?
What frustrates you the most?
What do you think needs to change most in the world?
What do we need to change to accomplish peace?
****************************************************
In my world, in my experience happiness is letting go of judging... its trusting the universe to take care of you through listening to your heart... trusting your heart is in alignment with the universe...letting go of having to control things.... realizing that the way people talk to you, or about you is the way they talk to themselves.... that it has nothing to do with you...that's why we are all mirrors to eachother.
I am now seeing.... I find men that ignore me.. because I ignore myself.
and that is why I needed the train of thought... to get here.... fucking mirrors.
yesterday I was walking down the drive way and thinking about what I am most excited for when I have a little extra money... because for the past two months I have had only enough for rent, gas and food....
my answers?
david's tea .... I have 4 flavors from them that I absolutely love and when I have a little extra money I splurge on tea.... tea is comforting. read my lips, love potion #7 ,jessie's tea and mother's little helper.... they sooth my heart...
organic vegetables....I just feel better when I have organic veggies around... especially because I like to juice
yoga - I started doing hot yoga in the fall and it made me feel better about myself
healthy soap, so shampoo and conditioner that is free of parabens and is friendly to the evironmnent; dish soap and laundry detergent that is biodegradable and isn't tested on animals.
gluten free bread - its so expensive but delicious
anything organic - anything that I eat, I feel better when I eat organic things...
What I am most looking forward to having/doing/buying when I have money?
A kayak and a canoe
A tent and camping equipment
A really good camera
new clothes that fit
cute underwear
get a tattoo
make my own wine
having proper winter clothes
having a good computer
having environmentally friendly makeup
TRAVEL - I need to get on the road again... feel the earth and the world... meet new people... try new foods - its when I feel most alive
Fulfilling my bucket list
**************************
My bucket list
learning the guitar
learning how to can my own produce
learning how to garden
learning how to turn over in a kayak
kayaking down the west coast of canada
sailing around the world
setting foot in every country in the world
learning spanish
learning italian
learning tibetan
learning sanscrit
public speaking
getting the nobel peace prize
building my own house
the gibbon experence in Laos
seeing the pyramids
swimming with dolphins
seeing the pyramids in as many countries as possible
going to a secluded waterfall with a large pool with a man I love
seeing base camp everest
learning yoga in India
visiting Dharamsala
visiting the salt flats - bolivia
visiting the gorges in Norway
going on a wine/food tour of Italy
running my hands along prayer wheels in Nepal
learning to surf
learning to rock climb
learning to sew costumes
owning a trampoline
having a swimming pool so I can swim laps
writing a book
owning a potters wheel and making my own plates
learning how to paint
soooooo... if that's what makes me happy... if those are the things I wantin my life... then what makes up happiness?
I asked myself why do I have to be poor? or what has being poor given me?
I now know what I want... I know what makes me excited to have when I don't have.
I know what I really want because I dream about it all the time. Poverty has shown me what I value most. A roof over my head, food, gas in my car, and my education. Close friends. clothes without holes. being able to go for sushi dinner once in a while. being able to buy people gifts - I'll be honest.. this is the hardest thing about poverty... not being able to give the people I love special gifts from me.
So what is happiness?
Happines is free from worry
free of concerns
free of stress
free of feeling empty
free of feeling lonely
free of anger
free of hatred
free of longing
free of missing
free of sadness
free of hunger
free of insecurity
free of judgement
free of guilt
free of shame
access to nature
time to spend with the people we love
freedom
Happiness is not a destination... happiness is inside of us when we remove all the negatives.
Imagine if we lived in a world that was not concerned with profits or money in anyway?
Imagine when you went to the hospital you got the best care for you... not the most efficient.. but the best care?
Imagine when you went to the super market you got the healthiest food?
Imagine you got the most environmentally friendly clothes?
Imagine your kids were taken care of when you needed them to be?
Imagine you got to travel when you wanted?
Imagine you got to fulfill your own bucket list?
Imagine or government consisted of a person from every demographic? Imagine our government was in fact the heads of all the NGOs in Canada? Or atleast the largest ones? All the organizations that had the country's true best interests at heart?
Imagine how much it would free up people if they didn't have to worry about school debt, a home or food? Imagine every person was given enough money to go back to school and learn anything they wanted?
there's a good question?
If you had enough time and money to go back to school for anything... what would it be?... just to see?
I have this idea of making a website where it asks a question and uses your camera to record your answers....just a huge compilation of answers from around the world
Some of the questions I would ask
well I guess 1. would be if you had enough time and money and making money after wasn't a concern... what would you go to school for?
Whats on your busket list?
What do you think happens when you die?
I want to ask the oldest, healthiest people in the world their philosophy on life and what they think has allowed them to be healthy for so long
What are the top 3 most important things you have learned in your life?
What are the consistant patterns in your life?
What is the most beautiful place you have ever been?
If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
What are your top 3 pieces of advice to anyone?
What is the order you dry yourself off when you get out of the shower?
What is your go to favorite food?
How do you eat your oreo cookie?
When you are in a hospital what are the things you are most concerned with?
What hurt you the most in your life?
What frustrates you the most?
What do you think needs to change most in the world?
What do we need to change to accomplish peace?
****************************************************
In my world, in my experience happiness is letting go of judging... its trusting the universe to take care of you through listening to your heart... trusting your heart is in alignment with the universe...letting go of having to control things.... realizing that the way people talk to you, or about you is the way they talk to themselves.... that it has nothing to do with you...that's why we are all mirrors to eachother.
I am now seeing.... I find men that ignore me.. because I ignore myself.
and that is why I needed the train of thought... to get here.... fucking mirrors.
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