Day 1.

I realize that I am in complete and utter denial about how I treat myself. I have no clue what I am doing to myself... and I perpetuate all the negative things in my life because of the way I am being. I am constantly looking inside and trying to figure out WHY, what causes me to be the way I am and how to fix myself.... I talk to avoid... and I don't REALLY want to see what's going on or change... I get something out of it that I'M not even really clear about right now, and its terrifying.

I've been single for 5 years. 5 Years, and I have completely convinced myself that that is ok. I have completely convinced myself that my behaviour with men is ok and that I don't really care what they think of me.... I am in so much denial, I can't even see it.. but I know its there, and for that I am so thankful.

I constantly seek the attention of men, whether its positive or negative, and I don't even notice myself doing it....

This weekend, I talked to a really good friend of mine that is going through a similar transformation and the clarity that I am getting is profound...

I was telling her a story of the most recent guy I slept with.... we had slept together in the spring and ran into eachother, and one thing lead to another, I was heading home to sleep with him. Completely straight up, knew what was going to happen... we had good sex, soft, sensual sex... and then in the morning when he drove me home I asked if we were going ot exchange numbers. H told me that he wouldn't take mine, but he would give me his... he didn't want to take my number because "I'm just in a spot in my life where I know I won't call you"... ok.... "well I'll take yours then and call you sometime for a booty call.. deal?" "ok"... he gave me his number... to which I texted that night and the next day, only to find out it was the wrong number.

In the past I would have been sooo upset, so yes I have been making some progress... but told myself it must have been a mistake.... on thursday night I ran into him at the bar... walked right over to him and said "did you purposfully give me the wrong number"
"no"
"ok, well I've been texting the wrong number"
"oh" awkward silence
"well can I get your right number"
"no"
"so did you intentionally give me the wrong number"
"no, but I thought about it after and I don't want anything else ot happen between us."
"ok? you know I just want to sleep with you right? nothing more?"
"ya, but.."
"so that's it?"
awkward silence
"I'm going back to my friends now, ok?"
"ok... bye"

I told my friend this, and she says "why don't y ou walk around back of yourself and kickyourself in the back?"

"What?" I replied...

I didn't see it... I thought here I was not taking crap from another guy.. and she was like... yes you are.. you totally put yourself in a position where he was treating you like crap.. you made him, to your face tell you he wasn't interested...

I couldn't see it, I still can barely see it, I completel rationalize it away in my head....

The rest of the weekend was continuously talking about self love, and getting real with yourself...

At the end of the time with her I felt like there is no way I can go home after spending the whole weekend talking about this shit and go back to the same old bull shit... that I Have to make a chage... and my ego is going crazy right now.

every mean thing it could say is being said
"there's no way you can succeed"
"you need to have a guy in your life"
"there's nothing wrong with having sex and it not matter"
"you can never go 6 months without any male attention"
blah blah blah

and then there's this tiny little voice hidden behind it all that says"you can do this, I'm so excited for you... we can have fun again!" its like my inner child jumping up and down and the excitement of being able to live again and be free...

I'm terrified.

I've decided to not listen to my ego and go 6 months without sleeping with any guys... and after talking to my room mate... that means, not even seeking attention from guys... to take it one day at a time... one day...and just try.

I have no idea how I am going to do this... I totally equate male attention with my own value, and if I'm not seeking it, if I am not looking for it, or accepting it... I have no idea where that value is going to come from... but I am determined to get off this fucking roller coaster ride.... and I know the only answer is to love myself... and treat myself with respect, take care of myself and not allow myself to equate my own worth to whether someone is paying attention to me...

so. tomorrow is day one.

I have gone through my phone and facebook and deleted all the men that I would call for a booty call.... or just to get attention from. Most guys were fine.. but a couple of them. Its so hard, because I want them to want me.. I want them to like me... and I know that when I delete them, I will never hear from them again.

I am hiding my plenty of fish account.... because I am not ready to delete it...

I am terrified, I am scared that I can't do this.. that in 2 days I am going to text some one or invite someone over. I don't think I am strong enough to do this. I am scared that at the end of this.. if I put 100% and actually get to 6 months/year without sleeping, or even kissing a single man, nothing will have changed. I will still be exactly here, and still single. That it will all be in vain.... deep down I know that won't be the truth, but that's how I feel right now... I feel like its the biggest mountain EVER! I am so overwhelmed... how the fuck am I going to do this.

I'm going to try my best to document this journey....
INTENSE.
A.